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I have always had a hard time figuring out Tracy Morgan’s success.  I have never liked his stand up comedy – it is that magical combination of vulgar and irrelevant, with a splash of outdated hackiness.  I never understood why people found him funny on SNL.  And his movies speak for themselves (e.g. Cop Out).  But he found magic on 30 Rock and I will give the Devil his due.  He is funny on that show.  I think that is primarily because Tina Fey must be the Vulgar Hack Whisperer because it is her and her staff’s words that bring Tracy Morgan’s Tracy Jordan to life.  But the success as Tracy Jordan has undoubtedly brought Tracy Morgan’s wealth, fame and exposure to new heights.  With that has brought a new scrutiny to his stand up.  And all of it is misplaced.

He said some things that were hurtful to gay people – stabbing his son to death if he turned out to be gay.  Then he made some jokes about “retard strength” at Caroline’s this weekend in New York City (by the way – this has been a common joke for as long as I’ve been watching comedy, let alone performing it).  I would like to first say that I think everything he said is fair game at a comedy show.  The only thing in recent memory I would call out of bounds was Michael Richard’s impression of Howard Dean as Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.  That was out of bounds because it was meant to offend only.  It was not said within the context of jokes (bad jokes should be protected).  And after watching all 9 seasons of Seinfeld recently I am ready to forgive Kramer (damn good on that show).

The problem is that Tracy Morgan is not a good enough or respected enough comedian to become the free speech martyr/test case for comedy.  Some may not be aware of this, but Rosa Parks was not an accident (yes I am drawing a very loose parallel here to Rosa Parks).  The plan was for another woman to test the bus seating rules, but the original woman had a child out of wedlock, if I remember correctly, so she did not make a perfect test case.  However, Rosa Parks was a sweet woman without blemish so she made the perfect person to take a seat on the front of the bus and be the title of an Outkast song; only a pure racist could raise issue with Rosa Parks’ right to sit where she wanted.

Similarly to the failed Rosa Parks, Tracy Morgan is not an artful or brilliant enough comedian to be the one to stand up for free speech in comedy.  But the reason he is in this case in the first place is because his success and fans come from his non-stand up exploits.  Guys like Patrice O’Neal and Louis C.K. say many things that you would not want to hear in polite company, but they are so skilled at their craft that they are both good enough to attract big crowds and only attract real comedy fans who know, understand and appreciate the rules of the game.  Tracy Morgan attracts lots of people that want Tracy Jordan and are very shocked and offended when they don’t get that.  Some of his fans are the fame-fuckers that I have repeatedly argued will hurt comedy and true to my words these are the people that want to sanitize comedy when it is not the comedy they want.  Sadly, the comedy business wants their money so the comedians-in-title-only will be here to stay as long as the business model encourages more Tracy Morgans and fewer Patrice O’Neals.

I have said things at open mics and in bars and clubs that I would not say outside of the club (at least the way I phrased things), but I have the knowledge and comfort that when I say things on a stage that I can be given leeway, not on the humor quality, bit on the delivery.  99.9% of the things said on stage should be judged on humor only.  If we chill that ability then great on-the -edge comedy will die.  Some black people were offended by Chris Rock’s Classic “Niggas vs. Black People” bit as he worked it out across the country.  Had the outcry been bigger would comedy be better off if he had caved to pressure?  Of course not.  I am not saying that Tracy Morgan was working out classic bits, but if casual comedy fans are allowed to inject their agenda whenever they are offended, great comedians will eventually suffer the same fate as Tracy Morgan.  Also, as the Tracy Morgans grow in number and begin to fill more and more weekends at comedy clubs and the fans continue to show up for their comedy the misguided complaints will continue to make headlines.  It will feed itself.

So instead of having meetings to help the healing with whatever community is offended this week, just stay the fu*k out of comedy clubs.  That goes for Tracy Morgan and the people he offended.

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon begins with a Forrest Gump-like altering of the moon landing.  In the Michael Bay version of the moon landing, Neil Armstrong & Co. were actually on the moon to investigate an alien aircraft (i.e. Transformer) that crashed on the moon, the dark side to be exact.  What was odd about the historical footage about the moon landing, the scientific discovery, the sense of national pride, the image of a giddy Walter Cronkite, was how there was both a sense of real human accomplishment and a sense of justified national pride.  The irony could not be thicker watching Transformers 3.  It was a movie filled with the most obvious patriotic propaganda since Rocky IV and the usage of computer technology has never been used for something so inane.  On the plus side, it is better than Transformers 2, which was one of the worst movies of the last 5 years.

 

The Good of Transformers 3

On the plus side the effects are excellent and the 3-D is pretty good as well. And once again it is better than Transformers 2.  OK now that I have discussed the good, on to the bad.

The Bad of Transformers 3

THE CAST

A lot was made of Megan Fox being replaced by some Victoria Secret’s Model.  Even though most women will try to hate on the woman for being extremely hot by saying her acting is horrible, she is actually not awful.  The problem with her is that she actually looks more unrealistic as Shia LaBeouf’s girlfriend than Megan Fox did.  I prefer Megan Fox to the VSM because she has something resembling hips, but Fox at least resembled someone height appropriate for Mr. LaBeouf.  And she looked like she came from the same planet as Mr. LaBeouf (barely).  The VSM (I feel no need to learn her name because her film career is almost over unless she lets boyfriend Jason Statham impregnate her, thus guaranteeing her access to his inexplicably long lasting film career), on the other hand, looks like she could only date a billionaire or James Bond.  She is that tall, striking and foreign.  I could not even see her dating a rich athlete.  She would be the one dating the team owner.  It was laughable looking at her and Mr. LaBeouf be in a relationship.  The woman is too striking to play someone with a soul that might slum it with Mr. LaBeouf.

As for the rest of the cast, Michael Bay has replaced the notorious Autobots in blackface from Transformers 2 with another black actor for Tyrese Gibson to interact with during battle scenes.  Naturally they provide lots of “Why the Decepticons (the bad robots) have the good shit?!!!” type comments, so if you were afraid Michael Bay could not still tap the nerve of ignorant Americans who crave pathetic black dialogue, rest assured – it is still here in less offensive form than Transformers 2.

Oscar winner Frances McDormand is not awful as the token bureaucrat, but she loses her way when, like many women, she attempts to be funny.  John Malkovich and John Turturro are completely wasted and lastly, is Ken Jeong’s time almost up?  He was hilarious in his first few films, but nothing is worse than an artist who becomes self-aware of why people like him.  His cameo offers the hilarity of a small Asian man acting aggressively as well as… wait for it… a bathroom scene with Mr. LaBeouf where it appears that they have been having sex, but in actuality it’s just a big misunderstanding.  HAHAHAHA

The Robots are fine.

THE SCRIPT

Here was one of my favorite exchanges:

Guy 1: How are we going to do this?

Guy 2: We have to get closer to the pillar.

Guy 3: No, we need to get higher.

Guy 4: But we only have one shot.

It is as if the person writing the movie was unaware that there would be a camera filming the movie, which could spell out some of the action and tension.  The dialogue is atrocious in this movie.  I feel at this point they should just rename Optimus Prime George W. Bush or Ronald Reagan.  Not since Rocky IV have I seen a movie with so much overt and non-organic Patriotism (I expected Optimus to tell the Decepticons that “everyone can change”).  Tattered flags and impromptu speeches about the human spirit stand as such a forced contrast to the opening footage of the movie of genuine and justified patriotism.

THE AUDIENCE

Approximately 17 applause breaks during the movie.  I am not sure if more needs to be said, but I will continue.  I understand that seeing the first show of a sure-fire blockbuster will attract an interesting, over-zealous crowd, but this was obscene.  The crowd looked like a gay bar had children with a Game Stop, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but combining gay culture with video game store loser-enthusiasm guarantees you an 11 on the excitement scale.  But 17 applause breaks?  It literally became every slow motion action sequence (about 9) warranted an applause break, which by hour 2 of the movie expanded to every time someone said or did anything that was not completely passive or required less than four words.  But then I realized – this is the ultimate American movie!

• The stars are non human, just like our lives are centered around eliminating human presence, from the ATM at the bank to your smart phone that you are currently buried in.
• It never stops moving and throwing action at us to satisfy our inability to focus.
• It is filled with token Patriotic values that make no sense, but make people feel badass and clap and cheer loudly (even though Transformers are immigrants)
• The humor is terrible, which gets huge laughs (see CBS comedy)

In sum, the movie has great special effects, but after an incredibly long two and half hours I just wanted to get away from this dumb movie and the dumb people clapping for it.  But roughly paraphrasing A.O. Scott of the NY Times, “it is the best 3D sequel ever made about giant toy robots from outerspace.”

GRADE: C- (barely)

A couple of months ago I wrote a post about feature work.  For those of you who read my site, but do not know the terminology, the “feature” is the middle performer on comedy shows – a bridge from the introductory remarks of the emcee and the main event of the headliner.  The bulk of the post concerned my feelings working in and observing the comedy business across America the last few years and how I feel that the changing business model of stand up comedy will in time, have a negative impact on the quality and growth of the art of stand up comedy.  I made some forceful points, as I tend to because, although I love performing stand up comedy, I have little love for the business of stand up comedy.  Agree or disagree with me I am doing it so I have a somewhat valid first person experience to draw on when I write complaints.

Well, on the post a man named “Bob Hellener” introduced himself to me – here was his first comment:

Have you stopped to think that perhaps you haven’t gotten very far because you’re not as funny as you think you are?  There are plenty of comedians who’ve been doing comedy for much less than eight years who are setting the world on fire.

Now I approved his comment because, despite the lack of social graces in the first part I thought that maybe it was someone with a valid point to share and I did not want to censor dialogue in the name of saving face.  What then occurred was a sad man who had no outlet for his own frustrations or jealousies and he began to pour forth comments and insults with increasing hostility, never able to actually provide support or evidence for any of his statements (he still has yet to name one inexperienced comedian “setting the world on fire,” one of a dozen unsubstantiated claims he made).  Here is one of the key ones:

You have no idea who I am.  But, for purposes of this discussion, that is of no importance.  What’s truly sad, but in this case laughable, is that without changing your material one iota, you could be much more successful – artistically, financially, and by any criteria that you could want.  But instead, because of your sanctimonious, holier than thou, arrogant attitude, you will unfortunately never be able to break out of the cellar of comedy.  You clearly have a tremendous amount of time on your hands.  It’s truly unfortunate that you spend it criticizing other, highly successful artists and attempting to dictate what kind of art they should produce, instead of improving your own.  You could change your attitude, and be more successful, but you won’t.  You know too much, but not enough.  You are unteachable.  You will be gone from the comedy scene within a year.  And, quite honestly, that will be good riddance.

For a more complete idea of just how absurd this was refer to the link below:

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2304

As the weeks went on “Bob” continued to post comments on my blogs (including posts that were already a couple of weeks old) on things ranging from my shows to my weight – it was like arguing with a teenage girl with special needs.  I then offered to meet “Bob” at a comedy show and allow him to perform to teach me the finer points of being a comedian (because you know a guy who anonymously posts on blogs certainly is brave enough to take some really exciting chances on stage).  If he did not show up, however (and this was not an invitation to violence) I promised I would spam all his future comments.  Well, he did not show up so I kept my word.  But that did not stop “Bob” from posting comments on new and old posts.  Here are some of his comments that never saw the light of day outside of my spam folder that he still insisted on posting:

“How dare you block my comments you coward!” – posted at 5:55 am on a Sunday

“Savor it because it will never happen again” – in response to my joy at having 5 great shows in Philly

I wracked my brain to figure out who it could be and most comedians kept coming up with the same name as to who Bob Hellener actually was:  a mental patient named Dan Nainan.

THE CASE AGAINST DAN NAINAN

If you are a comedian in NYC or DC or a tech company with a terrible sense of humor you probably know the name Dan Nainan.  He is a comedian who defines sour grapes.  And for the purposes of this argument I will accept all that Dan says to be true about his comedy career.  Dan is a successful corporate comedian who consistently gets paid very well by doing shows, the overwhelming majority of which appear to be for tech companies in Asia, which, as everyone knows, is a sector of the globe notorious for their sense of humor and advancement of comedy.  The reason I am aware of Dan’s exploits is because he sends comedians that he deems have insulted or offended him occasional e-mails that brag about how much he is getting paid halfway around the world to do comedy.  He is like a modern day Roman Polanski – forced into exile for raping Americans’ sense of humor.

Here are the two main topics he mentions, like a boilerplate document, in his e-mails:

• comedians in NY are fighting for cheap spots at cocaine-riddled comedy club
• He is living a life of luxury around the globe performing his comedy

But in a recent string of e-mails to a friend of mine he recently wrote too much.  The words read too much like a comedy villain I was all too familiar with:

My bookings in Singapore and Malaysia last week, and Dubai, Hong Kong, Trinidad, Tobago earlier this year, and India, Japan, Aruba, Netherlands, South Africa and elsewhere, have all came about because of my YouTube and my Internet presence, not because of some chimp like Roger Paul or Jason Steinberg.  Steinberg tried for a year to get me to sign with him – yeah right, pay him 15 percent of a $15,000 corporate show that he didn’t even get me, just so he can get me on Craig Ferguson.  Please. (I was on Ferguson and Hellener kept trying to diminish it)

As I’ve mentioned, my YouTube video has gotten me booked all over the United States and the globe for high-paying shows.  What do the TV credits get your friends?  Hosting spots at Wisecrackers in Scranton, Pennsylvania? Unbelievable. (I’m featuring in Scranton in August and I have the aforementioned TV credit)

For every chump like you, there are many who contact me for advice – comedy has been fantastic to me and as a result I feel the obligation to give back.  You can’t possibly imagine how many aspiring comedians I have helped.  There’s so much you don’t know about this business that you could, but you and your buddies are so closed off and you think you know everything – you know too much but not enough – you are unteachable.  Fine – less competition for me. (reads almost like a cut and paste job from the Hellener comment I posted above)

Given these quotes, among others, it is pretty damn obvious that Bob Hellener is actually Dan Nainan.  Or there are two dumb, unfunny assholes separated at birth.

He has e-mailed many other comedians using different e-mails and I guess Bob Hellener is his newest.  He signs off his e-mails “sent from my ridiculously overpriced iPad 2” – there are literally millions of teenage girls and Porsche drivers who are more secure about themselves than Dan Nainan.  If you come off as insecure to a roomful of comedians there is something truly wrong with you.  So with a guilty verdict of Dan Nainan I thought it appropriate for me to write him a victim impact statement.  It will probably not affect his sentencing because he is already an exiled comedian in America, but here it is anyway:

Dear Dan Bob Hellener Nainan,

The last couple of months you have caused me a decent amount of frustration,  first, with your inability to argue points coherently on my website because you simply had an agenda to eventually insult me and second, with your false identity.  But now that we know who you are I feel it is necessary to tell you a few things.

Comedy is an art form first, and a business second.  Every great comedian in America came up the tough way.  From Lenny Bruce to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to Jerry Seinfeld to Chris Rock to Louis CK to Patrice O’Neal, they all did it a certain way.  They hustled, struggled and fought their way up by simply becoming great comedians in the greatest comedy market in the world.  America may not export as much today as it once did in many industries, but in comedy we are still king.  The crucible of American comedy is not for the faint of heart.  It is frustrating and disappointing.  And I will say what you will inevitably say – I will probably not achieve the level of success I hope for.  But at least I am trying and fighting.  My ceiling is Chris Rock.  It is lofty at best and completely delusional at worst.  But you have already set your comedy ceiling at David Hasselhoff.  You have fled to foreign markets (and markets not really known for their depth or wealth of humor) to avoid being a disappointed and unsuccessful loser.  Because American comedy has already spit you out.

Perhaps you will claim to be a clean comedian and that has hurt you.  Jerry Seinfeld was clean an he did alright.

Perhaps you will say the business is too bitter and jaded to accept someone who haters call a “hack.”  Bill Engvall seems to be doing alright.

The truth is you are the worst thing a comedian can be – a coward – and no amount of money or filet mignon can change that.  You anonymously write on blogs, you’ve told the same jokes your entire career (I may have some multi-racial humor in my set, but even in my first weeks of performing comedy in 2003 I knew not to write something as awful as your “I am Indian and Japanese, so I buy my sushi at 7-11” gem), and you brag to people who are financially less secure than you (assuming you tell the truth, which is sometimes hard to believe from someone with multiple Internet identities) to validate yourself for basically becoming a corporate lackey with Power Point instead of an artist.

Your comedy reminds me of the show Alf.  I thought it was hysterical when I was young, but as I matured it turns out I no longer found it funny.  And then as more time went on I realized I did not even think it was that funny when I was young.  You have every excuse for why you are not embraced by the American comedy community but the two main ones are you are not funny and you are a terrible, possibly unstable, person.  So continue to bring up gigs or tv spots as weapons against me and other comedians who are fighting the good fight.  You wreak of sour grapes.   People openly speak about your e-mail harassment of Eddie Brill (the Letterman booker) and of Marc Maron (the booker of the WTF podcast) so don’t act like you do not want to be part of, and embraced by, the comedy community.  You just know that between your shitty routine and your cowardly form of bridge burning you never will be.

You may get paid well, you may have legions of fans in places where comedy is an afterthought and you may have the word comedian on every one of your YouTube videos, but you are no comedian.  You are a coward.  I will never mention you or your pseudonyms on anything I write ever again because I don’t want you to infect actual comedy fans as a result of something I do.  You are someone with real mental problems beyond a lame sense of humor.  Many comedians (in between bouts of laughter) have said that you have threatened them physically (from the safety of the Internet), you sent one comedian a video of you cutting a steak to prove how awesome your life is and you create false identities to criticize people.  I’d be meaner in this post but even I can recognize when someone is too pathetic to insult.

But for everyone who is still curious about Dan I will post one more thing on his behalf.  Below is the link for a mentorship/teaching offer he has for aspiring comedians.  Turns out Dan subscribes to that old saying, “Those that can’t do, teach.”

http://vocationvacations.com/DreamJobHolidays/dan-nainan.php

Bad Teacher is like an almost really good comedy that didn’t put in all the work to be really good.  As the title suggest, perhaps by accident, the movie is about 50% School of Rock and 50% Bad Santa.  It is largely enjoyable, but never feels much better than decent.

 

There is some great news about the movie though, at least for Alex Rodriguez.  There had been rumors that he and Bad Teacher star Cameron Diaz were breaking up, but they have actually been home shopping together.  My guess is that A-Rod, who is a star-fu*ker because deep down I think he wishes he was a Hollywood actress, realized that Diaz is likely to be nominated for a Golden Globe for this role and he could at least hold on until February for a chance to walk down an A-list red carpet.

Diaz is very funny, channelling her inner-Billy Bob Thornton and Jason Segel is good at doing his cool loser routine, but Justin Timberlake was not up to what could have been a funnier character.  Besides shouldn’t he record another album already?  Future Sex/Love Sound was damn good.

The plot, if you have not seen the previews, is about a teacher, whose engagement falls apart when her spouse-to-be realizes she is a gold digger and is forced to return to teaching.  Because she hates teaching she makes it her goal to bed the new substitute teacher (Timberlake), who is independently wealthy.  But to do that she feels she needs breast implants.  Various financial, incentive-based opportunities present themselves to our educating anti-hero and hilarity ensues.

The movie was only 90 minutes, but it actually felt longer than that (not Apatow long, but still a little too long).  Like many comedies, even decent ones, the movie is long on jokes, but short on a satisfying, somewhat realistic conclusion.  Movies like this feel more like expanded sitcoms, where you laugh along the way, but the conclusion wraps up far more tidy than any form of reality would allow.   But it is a comedy so it mainly accomplishes its goal, but more by making me smile a lot rather than laugh a lot.  For only $6 I am happy I saw it, but I don’t think it is worth much more than that.

Grade: B-

It is not as bad as A Bug’s Life, but this is probably the second worst Pixar movie of all time.  Of course, that is like saying a woman is the second ugliest Playboy Playmate of all time.

The movie’s plot centers on an international racing competition, as well as a promotion for a new alternative fuel source (those green liberal pussies at Pixar!).  So I suppose to offset Red State anger at being told that cartoon cars need an alternative energy source they came together, sort of like a bipartisan solution in Congress if those existed, and made Mater (voiced by Larry The Cable Guy) the centerpiece of the movie.  Perhaps that is all it would take in Congress.  Every time the Republicans refuse to budge on any issue besides bombing brown people and lowering taxes, the Democrats bring in Larry to entertain their fears away.

I saw the movie in 3-D because of an accident by the theater and because the film is so visually excellent I guess I can endorse 3-D in this case (I’m still scarred by the awful bullsh*t 3-D of Clash of the Titans).  But if anyone is expecting another Pixar classic you will be disappointed.

Grade:  B-

Bad Teacher review tomorrow.

The conclusion of the television season has two clear winners for best new shows.  HBO’s Game of Thrones and Comedy Central’s Onion Sports Dome.  But only one has survived.

Game of Thrones

There were a few new dramas I enjoyed this television season.  I thought Boardwalk Empire was close to excellent.  The Killing on AMC was very solid, though a little up and down and The Event, which sadly was cancelled, was the most surprising good new drama, being that it was on NBC and was attempting to evoke Lost, two big drama negatives as far as I am concerned.  There were a ton of dramas that sort of sucked (Hawaii Five-O comes to mind), but only one show this season has the quality to potentially join my upper tier of shows.  And that show is  Game of Thrones.

 

A friend of mine recently told me that if I keep comparing shows to Breaking Bad then I will never be happy.  I told him, we should assume that I am unhappy to begin with so comparing things to Breaking Bad will not increase or decrease my happiness.  Just like I now compare comic book movies to The Dark Knight, I will always compare dramas on television to my Top 5 dramas (Six Feet Under, The Wire, Breaking Bad, The Sopranos and The West Wing).  That is why shows like Sons of Anarchy or Dexter, although much better than its premiere season over the years, will always be entertaining distractions, because they lack the gravitas and quality of the Top 5.

Game of Thrones had a few things working against it before it started.  It struck me as something of a cross between Rome (HBO’s well done, but too expensive two season drama) and True Blood.   I was afraid that Game of Thrones could easily go the route of Rome, which seemed to have as its goal to appeal directly to the id of heterosexual males and sacrifice some of the quality of the story (for the most perverse example of this please Netflix Spartacus: Blood and Sand – the worst drama I have ever seen).  Similarly, True Blood, which for me has been on a rapid decline since a very strong first season, seems to be geared towards the id of young women and gay men.  For both shows it felt like the shows did excessive focus group work after initial success and realized respectively, “hey dudes dig tits and blood” and “chicks and gay dudes like pecs, androgony and excessive smoldering looks.”  If I want tits and blood I will go back to dating on Craig’s List.  But for quality television I demand more.

So the test for Game of Thrones, which certainly had its share of gratuitous nudity and violence (two horses beheaded – take that Godfather, and a 10 year old breast feeding – how is that not child pornography?), but it was also the best fantasy epic  piece of entertainment since The Lord of the Rings.  The show is beautiful, the cast is without weak spots and the story has held no character sacred or untouchable (not to mention the opening score is Last of the Mohicans-esque awesome).  Although a show needs at least three seasons before it can make the “Shows J-L Incessantly Praises While No One Listens” list, Game of Thrones has made a strong statement with its first season.  But it has to tread carefully now.  Because on either side of the fine line it has drawn is an HBO show that lost its way.

Onion Sports Dome

I was convinced that Onion Sports Dome had the potential to join Arrested Development and Eastbound and Down as the Holy Spirit in my trilogy of great comedies of the last ten years.  It did what I always want a comedy to do – it compromised nothing.  The humor was sophisticated and clever and it was coupled with an intimate knowledge of sports.  In other words – if you like comedy and know sports it was nothing short of brilliant.  If you didn’t possess one of these qualities then the show was not made for you.  Unfortunately ratings were not strong and the show has not been picked up for a second season.  Neither was Norm MacDonald’s Sports Show, but that is no great loss.  The people who praise MacDonald’s show all seem to be pre-existing Normphiles.  The truth is the show was not that good, except for the first episode.  Onion Sports Dome, however, is a major loss.  Every episode (except the first, which I thought was mediocre) was an A+.  But in an industry that is constantly on the lookout for the next twelve Zach Galifianakis look-a-likes yelling non-sequiturs in funny voices, I guess I should have known a brilliant, hilarious, sports-themed comedy show would be DOA.  The comedy business is revenge on jocks, not a celebration of them, even if in jest.

Well at least the geeks and me can agree on Game of Thrones.

In a year with two green superheros, who thought that Seth Rogan and the Green Hornet would receive better reviews that the Green Lantern with Ryan Reynolds?  It is all how you frame the argument.  The big story about the Green Hornet was how Seth Rogan had lost weight for the role.  Even if it is a big piece of sh*t, the stories about that film had a positive/optimistic tone.  Meanwhile, the only pre-production headline I remember about the Green Lantern was that Ryan Reynolds beat out Justin Timberlake, among some other metrosexual B list talent for the lead role.  Ominous…

I had been so optimistic when I saw The Dark Knight, that Christopher Nolan had raised the bar so high on comic book movies that writers and studios would at least raise their game because of raised expectations.  Instead, the studios seem to have said, “Well, sh*t!!! We can’t beat that one so let’s just aim for somewhere between Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer and Daredevil.”

And from those murky waters emerges the Green Lantern, a barely entertaining movie that makes the digitally overdosed Thor, released earlier this season, look like it was filmed before the invention of the computer.   The plot involves aliens and other planets (which, like Thor, I think automatically renders your comic book second or third tier and not really worthy of a movie adaptation).  It is as if someone asked, “What if we made a 2009-2011 Nicholas Cage movie, but got Dane Cook, or the closest thing Hollywood has to Dane Cook, to star in the lead role.”  It is that mediocre.  And I will never understand why Reynolds, who is buff in this movie, was actually at his most buff when he played a married father in the re-make of The Amityville Horror.  You’d think a superhero in 2011 would be more swollen than a Dad in the 1970s.

The movie basically is a cosmic battle between the good force of will (green guys) versus the bad force of fear (yellow and black stuff – sort of like the intergalactic Pittsburgh Steelers I suppose), which apparently turns Peter Sarsgaard’s character into Eric Stoltz from Mask when exposed to it. Blake Lively plays a fighter pilot with the believability that Denise Richards once played a nuclear scientist in a James Bond film.  Green Lantern must overcome fear issues that stem from his father’s death and his inability to commit to a chick that has managed to turn Leonardo DiCaprio back to monogamy.  You know, problems that affect us all.  There is the plot.  I am sure you can guess how it turns out.

My favorite moment of the Green Lantern experience was, obviously its conclusion when, upon leaving the theater, a member of the theater staff said “Thank you for coming to AMC have a nice day!”  A man standing behind me said to the staff member, “How you gonna waste my time with that sh*t!”  Now he is a moron twice because a) she did not make the movie and b) how could you not know that it would suck?  But as the old saying goes, “Even a rude, unemployed guy with good expectations for a Ryan Reynolds movie is right twice a day.”

Grade: C-

Most sports comedies start with some sort of historical context, either real of fictional, dealing with some sort of tragedy or woe that has befallen a team or city.  Then the team gets together and commits a series of blunders and near successes.  Then after some magical moment, of either forced racial harmony or the emergence of a collective enemy to rally against, the team begins to play well.  In a series of montages, with some humor, the team begins to play great with each member showcasing the specific talent that they had shown potential for all along.  By the conclusion of the movie there is some obstacle that the team must overcome and thanks to some clutch performance the team achieves their goal and has a big celebration.  Major League is the best example of this, both because it follows the formula perfectly and for extra irony, took place in Cleveland, the city Lebron James left.

With the conclusion of the NBA Finals last night it became clear to me that the Miami Heat’s season was literally the reversal of a sports comedy.  And LeBron James was the star.

Before examining the most fascinating story line in the NBA since Magic Johnson announced that he had HIV, some credit needs to be given to the Dallas Mavericks.  And me.  I had had a big debate with Knick fan friends about the future of the NBA.  They all panicked with the advent of the Big 3 in Miami and declared that the NBA was now exlusively a superstar arms race.  Ignoring teams like the 2003 Spurs and the 2004 Detroit Pistons, my friends assured me that the Knicks, built around Amar’e Stoudemire with a slew of potential super role players could not compete in the NBA and that the acquisition of Carmelo Anthony for half of their roster was necessary.  What followed was the disappearance of Amar’e Stoudemire and an early exit for the NY Knicks.  If one team has the two best individual players (Wade and Lebron) in the game it makes no sense to try to out-star power them.  The Mavericks have proven that the Hakeem Olajuwon/early Tim Duncan model can work.  Get a dominant superstar and build super role players around him.  This is a great tribute to Dirk Nowitzki’s will and talent and a relief to NBA fans who were afraid that the league would automatically become 6 super teams and a bunch of teams wasting their time.  But back to the anti-sports comedy.

The Beginning Is The End

So after The Decision, which apparently now outranks OJ murdering his ex wife and a waiter as the worst crime ever committed by an athlete if one reads the Twitter feeds of most basketball fans, the Heat had a celebration in front of their fans in Miami.  This was obviously premature being that it was the first, rather than the last, thing they did as a group (the Big 3 at least).  By the way, if you Google “The Decision,” the first result is Lebron James’ announcement.  The second is “the decision to drop the atomic bomb.”  This could not more perfectly illustrate America’s misplaced priorities and anger towards Lebron.

Tough Finish Is Tough Start Instead

The Heat went 9-8 in their first 17 games, much to the glee of most NBA fans.  In the proper order of a sports comedy this would be the tense finish, barely eeking out a victory in the end.  Instead they struggled to open the season and despair seemed to be reigning in Miami.  Dwayne Wade was injured (sports comedies often have a late injury that forces everyone else to step up their game, so naturally the reverse has an early injury), which also led to their early struggles.

The Success Montage

This part of the film would basically last from late December to the beginning of June.  It would show the Heat rolling, there might be some comedy clips of Joel Anthony hitting free throws, as the audience laughs and says, “Hahahaha – even THAT guy is doing work!”  LeBron and Wade would provide oohhh and ahhhhh moments for the audience.  The only difference is that in the sports film the montage would start with a big win against Dallas and then end with a thrashing of the champion Lakers, leading to the tense, final third of the movie.  Instead, this montage began with a Christmas win against the Lakers and finished with a solid win against the Mavericks in Game 3 of the NBA Finals.

The Rick Vaughn In Reverse Moment

In the aforementioned Major League, a major turning point for the Indians is when their talented, but erratic pitcher, Rick Vaughn, finally learns that he needs glasses.  From that moment on, he meets his potential and dominates.  But before that moment he is a bumbling idiot and it is not clear why.  That was LeBron James in the last three games of the playoffs.  It was an inexplicable display on par with Vaughn, who could throw 100mph, but was nowhere near the plate.  Whether you hate him or love him, the fact is Lebron had delivered tremendous performances both consistent and clutch for the first three rounds of the playoffs.  He even played well in the first three games of the NBA Finals.  And then, in this reverse sports comedy, he lost his metaphorical glasses.  It did not look like someone quitting consciously.  It looked more inexplicable.  Like someone stole his soul.   Meanwhile the last three games became worse and worse displays by the Heat that would have been comedic if they weren’t so sad.  Too many passes, too much Mario Chalmers, too much celebrating by Deshawn Stevenson (in a sports comedy a doofus like Stevenson would open the movie talking garbage and then get served late in the movie or at least during the heroic montage part), Dwyane Wade dribbling off his foot, Chris Bosh crying (hey at least he cares), etc.

The Historical Tragedy Is Epilogue, Not Prologue

I have maintained throughout this whole Heat spectacle, but I wanted Lebron to stay in Cleveland.  Everyone likes the hometown hero story.  And Cleveland has had it tough with their sports teams.  And the city felt betrayed.  I famously wrote (famous meaning to the 13 people who read the post) that I would root for Kobe this year, which was up until The Decision was unimaginable to me.  But then three things happened.  One, I watched Kobe again and realized he’s Diet Jordan and it is impossible for me to be a fan of a cover band with a rape allegation.  Two, NY Knick fans, who surround me, were the most awful people in the Lebron fiasco.  They were ready to suck Cleveland’s soul as long as Lebron came to NYC.  But when he opted for South Beach, Knick fans became the most self-righteous bunch of fans in America.  Hypocrisy reigned supreme in NYC.  Much like the steroid scandal in baseball, America, led by the NY fan base, had turned into a bunch of people who could not wait to trash someone else.  America is a bunch of cheats, whether it is on your spouse, your taxes or your math test, but show us some people living a life we are jealous of and we will annihilate them once they don’t live up to standards we don’t hold ourselves to.

As a friend mentioned to me yesterday, how many people have left Cleveland for better cities or better job opportunities that were born there?  I know comedians from Cleveland.  Could you not make it on to Letterman while living in Cleveland?  Why not?  There are clubs and open mics in Cleveland.  Maybe you should have just worked harder.  An interesting point in the very least.  But Lebron got to go to South Beach with his buddies and live a dream life.  So we went overboard.  And that is the third thing that cemented me rooting for Lebron again.  The hi-tech lynching that occurred.

Yes, I know I am using the term made infamous by Clarence Thomas in his 1991 confirmation hearings, but in this case it is actually true.  Lebron did one thing that annoyed people – he had a television special to announce that he was going to Miami.  He did not murder anyone.  He did not rape anyone.  He did not take drugs.  He made one decision and handled it in a less than gracious manner.  What he incurred (speaking to everyone not in or from Cleveland), however, was on par with the Tea Party’s response to President Obama.  Following on Facebook and Twitter, people who I never knew even knew what basketball was or had ever made a comment about sports, let alone basketball, were all too ready to bash LeBron James and wish ill will upon him.  It felt like a cyber posse that became a cyber lynch mob – people just seemed to know that they were supposed to hate Lebron.  And about 1% of the comments I read were from people in Cleveland.

And this is not just how some people hate on brash wide receivers in football for being cocky (and backlash). This was deeper and angrier.  Something about LeBron has made Americans angrier than they should be.  Is it the fact that he has been blessed with gifts that we will never have and he doesn’t use them to their full capacity?  That is what bothers me or at least perplexes me.  I feel like watching Lebron is like watching a superhero who sometimes randomly decides that he doesn’t want to be a superhero.  Is it the fact that a young, rich black man held the NBA hostage with a televised special, foolishly wielding his power without realizing the backlash that would ensue?  Will there be the same hatred and bile for the whole league and the vast majority of white owners when they manifest a lockout next season?  Or is that fair business?  And to be fair the hatred is not just from white people, the same way black cops can mistreat black suspects.  But it is unlike anything a white athlete has ever faced.

Even today, his post-game press conference remarks are being twisted and turned into some sort of “I’m rich and you’re poor” sour grapes speech, which seems to be a stretch to say the least.  But maybe this is just part of the American pop culture playbook.  We built up a high school athlete because he had incredible talent.  Then we begin tearing him down as an arrogant Frankenstein that if true, means we bear significant responsibility in creating his image.  Now all that is left is the redemption story.  But judging from past examples, only history will view him more favorably.

That is, unless he shows that has learned his “proper place,” but after seeing this season in action and the vitriol spewed last night against him, hopefully he never learns it.

There are some movies that are so good at showcasing an individual performer that I become an irrationally loyal fan of that person.   School of Rock with Jack Black would be a great example of that.  Another example would be Hamlet 2 and its star Steve Coogan.  A British comedy actor, he is a little better known as the director in Tropic Thunder and a corrupt business man in The Other Guys.   But Hamlet 2 was one of the funniest movies I have ever seen and his performance was off the charts great.  So I was happy to hear good things about his newest starring vehicle The Trip.

The film centers around two actors playing themselves (Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon) going on a food tour of England because Steve is writing some article for some publication.  The food tour is really just a chance to explore the two different personalities of these two actors on a road trip.  They are constantly battling each other for who is the better actor, singer, and impersonator of Michael Caine and James Bond.  The movie felt like Sideways to me, but a lot more funny and a lot less pretentious.

The movie should appeal greatly to anyone who has ever been on a road trip with comedians, but I believe it will appeal well beyond that.  It also explores the different dynamic between a performer who is happy with his life and career and one who seems destined to undermine his potential through perpetual dissatisfaction.  Coogan and Brydon are both great as the unhappy and happy, respectively.

The movie is funny and seems to build in humor the more intimately you know the characters.  By the end of it you feel like you have been on a trip with two funny and fun guys, with all the enjoyment and annoyance that brings.

Grade: A-

JJ Abrams is best known as the creator and intellectual cock tease behind one of television’s most overrated shows of all time -Lost, which also described the writing style of the show after the first season.  Lost was basically a ponzi scheme for the brain.  Instead of delivering on many of the secrets and teases in each episode it merely kept doubling down, promising more and more to deflect from the fact that it could not possibly have satsifying answers and returns on the investment people had made in the show.  That’s right, JJ Abrams was the Bernie Madoff of television.

But movies for JJ Abrams have actually been more satisfying.  I enjoyed Cloverfield and was pleasantly surprised by the Star Trek reboot.  Mission Impossible 3 was not good, but as Meat Loaf said, two out of three ain’t bad.  So with Super 8 coming out I felt confident that it would be more Cloverfield and less mystery island.  Well, it is both.

The movie, which follows a group of kids who are making a film on their Super 8 camera, who then witness a devastating train wreck (the standard for great train wreck scenes is The Fugitive – this one is loud and overbearing – it feels like the train had about 200 cars all which exploded in CGI glory.  All I was struck by watching the first hour of the movie, which was entertaining, thought the humor only felt one grade above Michael Bay-level shtick, was how JJ Abrams was making an homage to Spielberg movies, largely ET with a touch of Close Encounters of the Third Kind.  But it sort of feels like going one step beyond homage.  It feels like someone who is mildly obsessed – like instead of Single White Female, JJ Abrams could star in Married Jewish Filmmaker.

The movie goes along revealing little details about the mysterious creature/government secret/alien/etc. that appears to be wreaking havoc on the small town that is being policed by Coach Eric Taylor of Friday Night Lights.  But as the movie reaches its conclusion all the things I hoped for came crashing down in a Lost-like ending.  The last ten minutes of the movie are incredibly disappointing.   Like Lost, the movie gets you excited because it is making promises, that although difficult to deliver, will be outstanding IF delivered.  But then, like Lost, the movie produces a highly mediocre and tidy ending to wrap up the film under two hours.  It is like JJ Abrams is Hollywood’s version of LeBron James in these NBA Finals – he awes you with all the promise and flash of talent and then when it is time to finish the job he sort of vacates and looks for a quick and unsatisfying conclusion.

Maybe JJ Abrams should review his Spielberg movies again, because he knew how to start and finish a movie.

Grade – C+