I was going to write on a different topic today, but thanks to Comedy Blog Terrorist – “Bob Hellener,” there has been a change of plans.
For the past several weeks “Bob Hellener,” who claims to actually be named Bob Hellener, has been making comments on my comedy-business related posts. Now I originally approved “Bob’s” posts because they seemed somewhat on the topic I was writing about (how feature work is dying as a way to make a living in comedy, which will inevitably change the landscape of live stand up comedy – or as comedian Josh Homer commented “the changing of the business of comedy will have a negative impact on the art of comedy.” But along the way “Bob” began a middle school girl-style attack on me. Normally I would have stopped the comments once they got mean spirited, but there was something so profoundly stupid and deranged about “Bob” – it became like reading a blog-equivalent of a horrific car accident every time he put fingers to keyboard.
One of “his” bi-polar highlights wassuggesting that comedy may be going well for me if Patrice O’Neal requestedme as an opening act and then several comments later calling me an unfunny failure (hmmm Patrice O’Neal or “Bob Hellener.” who do I trust more when giving opinions on my comedy?).
Then there was the Single White Female-esque analysis of my website photos (I believe “Bob” referred to me as “fit, buff and trim” in my website photos). “He” was claiming that I was deceiving the public with my photos (and perhaps personally violating the trust “Bob” felt with me in “his” stalker mind) even though the photo section is literally a progression of me putting on weight (my photos fromAtlanta have me at my current CC Sabathia-esque frame). But there is no reasoning with someone who clearly hate-masturbates to your photos and YouTube clips.
“Bob” consistently misconstrued simple points I was making because there was clearly some personal motive at stake. But I assume after a stream of 80 comments on a blog it was over. But low and behold, “Bob” made a comeback appearance on a more recent blog post:
As you can see I was called a failure with limited job prospects inside and out of comedy. So, to be fair to “Bob”, before I permanently spam “his” comments I wanted to offer an opportunity to “Bob” to clear the air and perhaps offer me some pointers on comedy and even show me how a real comedian is supposed to perform. So I am inviting “Bob” to Smith’s Tavern on Monday, May 16th for the show I co-produce with Jessie Geller. It is a low pressure environment, very laid back, in case “Bob” wants to work out some new material – I mean we cannot expect “Bob Hellener” to always do the “Bob Hellener classics,” right? But it would be great to meet the heretofore unknown and unseen “Bob Hellener” and to learn from a true master of the art form. Working with some profilers, we were able to come up with the following pictures of what “Bob” probably looks like, depending on gender.
If a man:
And if a woman:
This Monday, May 16th at 830 pm at Smith’s Tavern 440 5th Avenue Brooklyn, NY. The show is free, but given “Bob’s” “gainful employment” I am sure a cover would have made no difference. So hopefully “Bob” can show up or I will know that “he” is a fake person and will just treat his comments as I should have originally. As spam. OH NO I DIIIIIIIIIIIN”T!!!