Blog

This weekend I performed at Wisecrackers in Scranton, PA.  Here’s the re-cap:

The Trip

Being only two hours, fifteen minutes from NYC it was obviously a Greyhound trip.  Fortunately, since Greyhound knows of my love for long, uncomfortable rides, they decided to leave 40 minutes late.  Other than that the bus trip was uneventful.  In fact, Greyhound buses now have nice leather seats and extra leg room, which must be nice for the people six-three and shorter who benefit from the extra leg room.  However, Greyhound continues to discriminate against the exceptionally tall.

The Hotel

The Wisecrackers in Scranton is located in a Clarion Hotel.  My warning that I was no longer in metaphorical Kansas (but much close to the mindset of Kansas) was the sign outside the hotel:

Now gun lovers and “real Amurrrricans” are big fans of saying guns don’t kill people, people kill people.  But for such inactive objects, apparently guns can still have a show and get top billing over the comedy show.  As expected I did observe several guys who looked like Larry The Cable Guy in sleeveless shirts and camouflage pants.   I was just happy none appeared to go to the comedy shows.

My hotel room was nice enough and as a bonus they didn’t even require me to use a black-light to see the stains on my comforter:

The Shows

Friday’s show was fantastic.  Overcapacity and very receptive crowd (the emcee did a great job getting them to settle down and focus on the stage – for a while it seemed like it was going to be a crowd full of people going, “Watch this I am going to make this show better by shouting things and talking” kind if crowd.”).  The show was so good I celebrated like a rock star with my favorite post show beverage:

Saturday’s show was a lot tougher.  I would rate Friday’s an A and Saturday’s a B+/A-  I did manage to get away with calling the crowd racist in four different ways without losing them so that was a definite high point (my favorite being “Everyone calls Obama a black President, but his Mom is white.  Now I know in 1950s America or 2011 Scranton he would have to use a different water fountain, but he is half-white.”).  But I will give Wisecrackers-Scranton some credit.  For the two shows there were 2 black audience members, 1 Asian man and scores of white people.   Almost always a crowd that homogeneous, my humor doesn’t hit well.  There is often a series of correlations:

• All white crowd = all white community
• All white community = afraid of minorities
• Afraid of minorities = ignorant
• Ignorant = give me simple, or goofy or unoriginal humor
• Give me simple, or goofy or unoriginal humor = rough sets for J-L
• Rough sets for J-L = bad few days for those around J-L

But this chain was broken.  Somehow this was a segregated, white community (some of whom did boo non-political Obama references) who had more sophisticated senses of humor than expected.  So maybe they were not afraid of minorities after all!  Or there actually were some people from the gun show at the club and their heat gave them courage.  Either way thanks Scranton!

 

In what amounts to a historic drought for me I will most likely not be seeing a movie for the second week in a row.  I am on the road and only a mile from a movie theater, but neither Conan The Barbarian nor Colin The Barbarian in Fright Night appeal to me in the least.  But since I do not want to disappoint readers who look to my guidance and/or hatred and/or humor each week on movies I have a new J-L original (I went crazy this month filming four, and I think four of my best ever, sketches) to share with you.

This one is basically where I think the future of the E! channel is headed as they progress along the lines of large-assed women and the black men that love them reality shows.  Enjoy Booty! (and please pass along to friends/facebook/twitter if you think it is funny):

I realized this morning that in a few months it will have been four years since I appeared on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, my only modest claim to fame.  I think at this point I may be able to call myself a comedy one-hit wonder.  And being on Ferguson is not like having a #1 one one-hit.  It is more like I peaked at #27 on the charts back in late 2007.

Sadly, for comedians there is not the same effect of being a one-hit wonder as there is in music.  I remember being in Birmingham, Alabama back in 2009 and hanging out with some guys after one of the shows who were in a rock band.  Their claim to fame was that they were opening up for Hinder (a one hit-wonder band from the mid 2000s).  The conversation consisted of them telling stories of what their favorite threesomes were.  In other words they had had enough threesomes (and from a comedian who knew them – the women they had were quite attractive, which is not surprising since southern women only come in two varieties: women who love pastries or women who look like porn stars/beauty queens) to then rank threesomes.  And they were the opening band for a one hit wonder a few years removed from their one hit.  Meanwhile in Ferguson land, the closest I ever got to sex for fame was when a buddy of mine told a girl that I had been on TV in a bar, asked her if she wanted to see the set and then got a blow job from her in his apartment.

In all fairness I was engaged when I did Ferguson.  I remember after I did Ferguson I got several MySpace friend requests and comments (see how long ago it was) and one was from a woman who said “When will you be back in LA?” because Ferguson is filmed in LA and this woman had no reason to believe that I was a lawyer and not a full time comic at the time.  My significant other at the time told me she found the comment overly suggestive (especially when she read it back to me over the phone in a 1-900 sex hotline voice).  I replied – “I think she was just a fan – I have never met this person.”  She responded: “You don’t have fans.”

And of course I got a great response from a then-up and coming comedian who is now pretty well-established who decided to sh*t on me (behind my back of course, but overheard by a friend) about me getting Ferguson (“who watches that anyway?” I believe was the mocking statement he made).  Of course his success as a comedian should dispel any notion of karma.

So that was basically what I gained from a Ferguson appearance – a blow job for a friend, an insult from a comedian and a piece of humble pie intended to choke me to death.

If this were music I could look forward to that retro-comeback reality show bullsh*t world that exists for them, but no one is wondering, whatever happened to that guy from that one appearance on Ferguson?  And of course without management that is most likely the outcome for me.

I do have something to do with my one-hit wonder status (here is the cautionary tale part for all you newbies or people starting to get some heat).  After getting Ferguson and another regional tv spot (both of which I did well on), my manager parted company with the management agency (a big outfit well known in comedy).  Being new and nervous I decided to stick with the management company and learned too late that it had been the individual manager who had pushed for me, not the company.  So like Don Corleone after the strangling of Luca Brasi, I was left unprotected.  Without him I was worthless to them.  So after one mediocre showcase and one admittedly awful NACA audition (but I did not think that eating it in front of a few hundred college students from Montana could derail a budding career) I heard nothing for about 6 months (every 4th e-mail I would get a useless response from the person who I had been assigned to).  They then told me at the end of a fruitless six months that I should seek representation elsewhere.  I don’t know how I would have had the foresight to make the right decision there, but obviously I will be more careful in the future.

That is it folks, in those few easy steps you too can become a one-hit wonder in comedy.

So this Fall I will be making a big attempt at getting management again.  Some people may say that management is not necessary, but those people are often those who got a head start thanks to management or are just full of sh*t.  For example of the “New Faces” at Montreal, only two of the comedians were without representation.  They are the gate keepers to a lot of this industry.  Whether you like me, love me or hate me, I am objectively a much better comedian than I was 4 years ago.  Significantly better.  So it should stand that having been on television already and having had a very good set, it should not be that hard to get back on, right?  All I can say to that is I will not be looking for the television cameras at Wisecrackers Comedy Club in Scranton this weekend where I will be performing.

This may sound bitter and it some ways  it is.  But I am happy with some areas of improvement – I am a better comedian and I have gotten more gigs each year than the year before for four straight years.  I really want to get more TV credits to just increase the bookings I get because the life of the up and coming feature is not economically sustainable and not mentally healthy.  So hopefully efforts I make this Fall will pan out, but if they don’t my experience is still no less instructive to up and coming comedians.

Now let’s crank up some Hinder!

As much of a movie addict as I am this weekend presented a rarity, especially for the Summer – there is nothing I want to see in theaters.  I saw two movies last weekend (Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Crazy Stupid Love – both fantastic so if you have not seen them you have your assignment) and it has left me with nothing this week.  Here are a couple of the options that I am rejecting:

The Change Up – between horrible reviews, horrible box office results, Jason Bateman’s tongue-in-cheek endorsement of the movie last week on The Daily Show and the fact that Ryan Reynolds is movie poison I cannot subject myself to it.

30 Minutes Or Less – I will not see this movie for one major reason: I am tired of Danny McBride diluting the Kenny Powers brand.  For those of you that don’t know one of my favorite shows on television is Eastbound and Down, which is Danny McBride’s comedic vehicle about a racist, arrogant down-on-his luck baseball pitcher.  He is great on it and the show is great (season 2 was an A-, but season 1 was an A+).  However, Danny McBride is starring and co-starring in a lot of mediocre movies as basically a derivation of Kenny Powers, which is annoying because as new people gravitate to the show they may be inclined to say “Oh, he is just doing his shtick from (insert title of 8 different movies).”  So I cannot support Mr. McBride’s movie career as long as it can potentially harm the Kenny Powers brand.

The Help – Never had an interest in this one (part 80 in Hollywood’s series of one singular, great white person helping black people do good things) even though the reviews seem to have been pretty good.  If you want my fuller take on this please check out my video below from a little while back – a trailer for The Blind Side 2:

So I will save my money and my time this weekend.

I am in DC currently providing babysitting services for my two nephews so I have not had many funny or angry things to report on.  I return to NYC tomorrow to celebrate my Dad’s 80th birthday (Black Gandalf), so I am sure I will get my writing mojo back soon.  But in the spirit of both Crazy Stupid Love and Rise of the Planet of the Apes, both of which I saw last weekend, I am providing my own contribution to excellent entertainment.

Here is the behind the scenes look at FX’ new show: Tough White Guys Who Say S**t A Lot.  If you are a fan of any shows on the FX network I think you will see that we are very true to their brand.  Enjoy:

It has been a long Summer with many terrible movies, some good, but no great ones.  Until now.  Rise of the Planet of the Apes is absolutely fantastic.  And for any readers of this blog who are Tea Party members, no this is not a documentary about the 2008 Presidential Election.  And please stop visiting my website.

I will start with the one negative and that is in casting.  Everyone is good that is in the movie, but there were some missed opportunities.  Ron Perlman of Sons of Anarchy and Patrick Ewing, former NBA star, could have both been in the movie (perhaps in the next Ape movie about a white-black buddy cop film about ape cops).  But other than that there is really nothing bad to say about the film.

I don’t want to spoil anything in the movie, but it has a great pacing, the CGI work is incredible and the emotional work with the Apes, who are all CGI, is off the charts great.  The plot is great and the movie moves along with an entertaining confidence.  What I mean by that is the last 45 minutes of the movie are incredibly exciting and action packed, but the filmmakers and writers were not in any hurry to get there because they  were doing such a good job establishing the story.  It is two hours of steady and entertaining build up to an incredibly entertaining finish.

I will keep this review short because there is not much funny to say about it because it is so good.

Final Grade – A

1) Helping Somalian Children

I am fascinated by a few stories (or in some cases non-stories) in America today.  One is our non-involvement in Somalia.  We are all scarred by Black Hawk Down, both the actual incident in 1993 and the disappointing film by Ridley Scott.  But every day the news and the newspapers report the fact that around 500,000 children are close to starvation in Somalia.  The options for the innocent in Somalia are go to a Taliban-style Muslim section where freedom is non-existent, or live in a war zone.  Now that would seem to be all the things “real” Americans care about – there are children at stake.  After all, the Super Bowl was never the same after  “the children” saw Janet Jackson’s nipple, so naturally if half a million kids are dying we should surely care.  Plus, it is a chance to take on the scourge of radical Islam, which has provided a nice replacement for the Red Scare in post Cold War era (admittedly real in many cases, but used as a boogyman in others).  But we can do nothing?   It is the world’s worst humanitarian crisis.  I was all for fighting in Afghanistan, but once again this is related to the decision to fight in Iraq.  All the money and international good will it cost us is still relevant even though people have “It’s Bush’s fault” fatigue.  Who gives a sh*t if you are tired of hearing that – it doesn’t make it any less true!  And why is it so hard for so many “real Americans” to wrap their heads around the idea that sometimes a problem that took between 7 and 30 years to develop (our Frankenstein-esque de-regulated capitalism), might take more than 2 1/2 years to solve?  As a country we are just seeing the tip of the iceberg of how warped a spoiled nation, with increasing ADD and an overflow of information sources, both credible and absurd, can become.

2) Building A  National High Speed Rail System

This could be the stimulus the country needs.  A WWII level stimulus project that employs people in 48 states, uses real American labor and builds something that doesn’t involve a dot-com, but rather a tangible product to be used by Americans.  It could help reduce the use of oil as a nice bonus.  And it would be a long-term project, not some 12 month replacement of a small bridge (I am talking to you Cleveland).  These are all the advantages I see for building a high speed national rail system.  Admittedly, I have only been to two foreign countries (and neither is Canada or Mexico), but my more well-traveled friends tell me that in developed nations in Europe and Asia the rail systems put ours to shame.  So if we pride ourselves as a nation as being number one (even if only in our own minds) why do we have such a substandard rail system.

I am a huge fan of rail travel and have travelled most of this country by Amtrak.  Imagine how many more people would if they tripled or quadrupled the speed of it.  Instead of 21 hours to Chicago from New York it was 6 or 7.  Instead of 17 hours to Atlanta, it was 5?  All presumably built with some form of updated green technology.  Why can’t Amtrak be this decade’s Man on the Moon?  Well, of course there are several reasons.  One is the oil lobby.  Another is the aviation lobby.  Another is we have been conditioned to see the rail as some sort of purgatory between the Heaven of aviation and the Hell of Greyhound.  But how could America not take a renewed pride in the rail system if it was a massive and beneficial national project?  Well, of course that probably sounds like socialism so I guess if we got beyond negative perceptions of Amtrak and intense lobbying we would still have to compete with American stupidity.

3) Use a Dictionary and an Encyclopedia

With the Internet providing any “fact” that anyone wants to support their pre-existing belief I think we need to get back to agreement that words and facts exist and are sometimes not up for interpretation.  A standard Merriam-Webster dictionary and an Encyclopedia Britannica should do (if we can agree that those are not tools of the radical left or right).  These texts used to provide a basic presentation of facts that we could all agree with if we bothered to read them.  I would not go as far as to suggest that the New York Times, which until the advent of Fox News Propaganda (which it is – brought to “real Americans” by an Australian with a pro-business agenda), was known as the public record because of its thorough and excellent worldwide reporting, could possibly be this in our current society.

I have a selfish reason for suggesting this.  Yesterday I made the mistake of getting into a Facebook discussion with a conservative on his Facebook page.  His ignorant cabal of friends then proceeded to jump on me with the usual Tea Party rhetoric that is more faith-based than historically based (random assertions of “The Constitution says” as if there are not actual words that can be verified).  Here are some of the highlights that I think an Encyclopedia and a dictionary would have helped:

1. “Liberalism is all about socialism and stripping us of our Constitutional rights” – Funny, liberals are often accused of giving people too many rights (see the Warren Court).  You know who else is about socialism?  Your police department, your fire department, your public schools, your parks, your sanitation workers and your libraries to name a few.
2. “What about groups like the Black Panthers that Obama endorses?”  – I am not sure a comment is needed here.
3. “Liberals bringing socialism is definitely as dangerous a guy with a bomb strapped to his chest” – see #1
4. “Ask the Brits how well gun control works for them… they can’t own anything to protect themselves. Even if they use a toy gun to seize a burglar the home owner gets arrested for assaulting the criminal. Thats what the liberals want for the USA.” – see also the murder rate and gun violence statistics for Britain.  I know it is Europe and that is “faggy” and “awful” for “real Americans” but fewer dead Americans would seem like a good thing for America.  As of 2000 their murder rate with firearms was 10 times less than ours.
5. “This is laughable. As if the left hasn’t practiced these same exact tactics (referring to when I said the Tea Party nearly brought our government to default): gay rights, environmentalists, gun control, the list goes on and on. What was it we were talking about again? Small, well-financed groups of people holding a party hostage? – In other words this person (these comments were from several different individuals on the same comment stream) took an unprecedented event and claimed that there were several non-existent precedents.  When exactly did the left brink the country to the brink of economic disaster over “gay rights,” or the environment?  Even though perhaps they should since civil rights and the future of the planet are more important to America’s creed than low taxes for the wealthy.

So in sum, my platform is simple:

• We should intervene on behalf of half a million dying children before we intervene on behalf of oil interests;
• We should develop a national high speed rail system as a tangible stimulus plan and;
• We should all read a major newspaper (that hopefully hasn’t been fact-raped by Rupert Murdoch’s minions – and despite his vast empire this DOES NOT exclude all conservative leaning publications) and occasionally open a dictionary or an Encyclopedia Britannica if we want to verify something that maybe sounds outrageous.

20 years ago this would have seemed sensible.  Today it seems too ambitious.  Sadly in another 20 years it may seem like a fantasy.

I have been working hard to understand the debt ceiling crisis (I actually think I understood the 2008 housing crisis and related issues better but that was thanks to lots of books and documentaries).  The basic idea I think was that if we did not raise the debt ceiling we would run out of money to pay our debts and that would have catastrophic effects throughout our economy.  I think the general descriptions from everyone not associated with Fox News was the following:

Of course, economists and Wall Street were not enough to convince the de facto leaders of the Republican Party, the Tea Party, that this was necessary.  The Tea Party basically held their own party hostage (probably making John Boehner cry some more) in order to secure deficit reduction at all costs, as if it is the 11th Commandment.  They secured massive entitlement cuts as a prerequisite for doing something that has been done many many times as a non-political issue.  John Boehner cried that he had “stuck his neck out a mile” but when the crazies leading your party are ten miles from sanity, sticking your neck out a mile to meet them is still 9 miles from sane.

But what is most significant about many of the political conflicts over the last three years is that our politics have finally outgrown what the Founding Fathers could have conceived.

American Capitalism Has Finally Worked.  And That Is A Bad Thing

I think our financial crisis of 2008-present has proven that capitalism as it is constituted in America now is a failed system.  The problem is that the only people it is not failing are the ones with the most money and the most political access.  Let me count the ways:

• Money controls our politics
• There are no term limits so the most important relationship to a member of either house of Congress is with those that donate money to them, not their constituency
• Lobbying money, which is the key to political power, NOT elections, dictates policy, legislation and regulation.
• The increasing disparity of wealth will only get bigger because those individuals and companies with wealth can dictate the political narrative through advertising (thank you Supreme Court for Citizens United) and have greater access to the lawmakers.  This will lead to an exponential growth in the wealthy controlling policy, which directly benefits them, as well as the narrative, through advertising and local elections, which will manipulate many people into targeting their anger at the wrong people.  Why do you think Americans seem to hate Mexican immigrants working bad jobs and gays who want to get married more than the money manipulators (I mean “job creators”) on Wall Street.  Why do they hate unions more than the company executives who refuse solid profits to conduct business in America, in favor of making wild profits producing things abroad?
• We have made news coverage a money making endeavor.  That means for advertising dollars we have to put stories about things people are interested in (dumb people apparently still want the occasional update on Lindsey Lohan) and that has allowed stations (most notably Fox News and to an almost equal degree (but far more correct) MSNBC to turn news into a team sport where the message is guided by what crowd you want to hang with.

Furthermore, who elected Grover Norquist to anything?  If Obama were adhering to pledges from a private citizen or an unelected group do you think that would be palatable to Americans?

 

My solutions would be simple and would never happen.  Term limits for members of Congress.  2 terms for Senators, 3 terms for House of Representatives.  It is supposed to be public service, not a path to long term enrichment.  If a member of Congress were not nearly as worried about re-election then they would not worry about constant fundraising and would worry less about annoying their lobbying interests and focus more on the people who sent them to office.  Some people may say, that elections are enough, but with money controlling everything (even the gay marriage legislation in New York was a victory for money in politics, not civil rights.  The left applauded, but it was only because financial carrots were placed in front of swing votes by well-financed proponents of gay marriage that it passed), elections are no longer enough when incumbents are so flush with decades worth of cash stockpiles, which only increase as their time (and influence) grows in Congress.

The Founding Father’s Lack of Vision

But thanks to the Tea Party’s hostage of the already extra-conservative Republican party, they have now demonstrated that our very form of Republican government may be failing.

We know that the leaders of the Tea Party, like Michelle Bachman, are lovers of the Founding Fathers, at least in theory, since she seems to be less than schooled in what the Founding Fathers actually believed and did (see Founding Fathers fighting slavery).  And perhaps if Bachman and her crew knew that the Founding Fathers they would not speak of original intent so much, mainly because from the Founding Fathers’ own words, they could not conceive of a political minority being able to manipulate government the way they have.

In Federalist 10, from the Federalist Papers, James Madison wrote that the danger to a Democracy was the faction, whether it be tyranny of the majority or the minority.  Here are some of the highlights from Madison:

By a faction, I understand a number of citizens, whether amounting to a majority
or a minority of the whole, who are united and actuated by some common impulse
of passion, or of interest, adversed to the rights of other citizens, or to the
permanent and aggregate interests of the community.

If a faction consists of less than a majority, relief is supplied by the
republican principle, which enables the majority to defeat its sinister views by
regular vote. It may clog the administration, it may convulse the society; but
it will be unable to execute and mask its violence under the forms of the
Constitution.

In the first place, it is to be remarked that, however small the republic may
be, the representatives must be raised to a certain number, in order to guard
against the cabals of a few; and that, however large it may be, they must be
limited to a certain number, in order to guard against the confusion of a
multitude.

Reading those passages it would be hard to believe that the Tea Party would be lovers of the Founding Fathers.  From these quotes from Federalist 10 it goes beyond Madison disapproving of what the Tea Party has been doing to our government.  It is as if he could not conceive of what they are doing! Now of course, ask a member of the Tea Party what the originals intended and they can tell you how all their words can apply to today, but could they really have envisioned our current society if they could not have even envisioned the tyranny of the Tea Party?  Madison clearly believed that our Republican form of government could stop a cabal from controlling or at least clogging the workings of the government.  Madison did not think a minority faction could hide their actions and interests, but thanks to fake grass roots organizations they can.  In short, Madison was wrong.  He just had no idea that he could be wrong because he figured that a majority decision for the nation’s interest could not be subverted by a ideological minority.  It is almost Oedipal.  For the Tea Party to thrive they had to kill an idea of their cherished Founding Father.  And we already know some Tea Partiers have probably slept with their mothers.  Or at least their sisters.

Another person who loves to talk about the Founding Fathers is Sarah Palin, who I believe is the political equivalent of a store front preacher who also sells snake oil elixirs.  I don’t think she will run for president, unless her agent tells her it could raise literary sales.  She is touring the country earning speaking fees and selling books.  She is selling Patriotism the way a preacher sells healings – the only one who actually benefits at the end is Sarah Palin.  But this is who many Americans believe has America’s interests at heart.

The Republicans in general have demonstrated over the last three years that they will allow a minority to control and freeze government action.  In the House, the Republicans allow themselves to be controlled by the Tea Party.  Why?  Because they are all afraid that they could be the target of the well-funded interest groups in the next election (the midterms of 2010 saw many Republicans who did not meet the ultra-conservative litmus test lose in primaries).  Of course, once again, if there were term limits they might not be as worried about clinging to the power of elected office.  In the Senate, the entire Republican party has turned 60 votes into the new 50.  If they have any disagreement the filibuster is called in.  Once again Madison 0 for 2 on the current Congress.

So to sum up the Tea Party – they believe in the Founding Fathers’ vision, which they don’t seem to understand since the Founding Fathers would be at a loss to explain the Tea Party’s death grip on the House of Representatives.  But they probably would have equally perplexed reaction to a black president, which in all honesty is what really spurred this on.  The Founding Fathers would have called Obama a slave, today the S word is socialist.

So as I look at America today, I see an experiment that has failed.  This does not mean America sucks or anything like that, but we have proven that capitalism is not a rising sea that lifts all boats.  Combined with a new Democracy that the Founding Fathers could have never envisioned, we have turned America into a country where the financial minority can deliver power to a political minority and own the entire process.  The progressives who are attacking Obama need to realize that this is now how the country works and that it is way bigger than anything he can do.

I have been working hard on a few new short comedy videos recently and the first is ready.  I got to work with some great people making this one and I think it came out great.  Enjoy:

My real movie of the week is The Devil’s Double, but unfortunately I promised the gf I would wait to see what critics are calling the “Scarface of Arabia” so instead the review of the week is for Cowboys and Aliens.

 

The movie is solid, but by no means spectacular.  Here’s the breakdown:

THE GOOD

Daniel Craig is nearly perfect in the movie.  His few fights are well executed.  His few moments of humor are perfect and not cheesy.  And he seems to have the gravity to convey a cowboy, despite being in a sci-fi movie.

The action scenes are pretty well done and I will not specify how it ends, but at least it does not do that shameful “NOW WE HAVE TO HAVE A SEQUEL!!!!” moment.  Now if the movie is successful I am sure there will be a sequel and that is OK, but at least the movie does not conclude in a pandering and obvious way.

The supporting cast is largely solid, headlined by the alluring eyes of Olivia Wilde.

THE BAD

Harrison Ford.  He has officially announced his candidacy for the “Robert DeNiro – My Legacy Be Damned I need a Paycheck” club.  Watching Harrison Ford in this movie gave me the same feeling I had watching Karl Malone play his final season for the Los Angeles Lakers.  My thought in both cases was “You have earned the right to do this, but I still do not know why you did.”  Harrison Ford has one note in this movie – crusty old man.  It is as if he took the line from The Fugitive at the police station where he yells “You find this man!  You find this man!  He had… a mechanical arm!” and just delivered every line with the same grit.

From the middle of the movie on I felt like Favreau and the team that wrote the movie were veering into Michael Bay territory of cheesy jokes and excessive amounts of knowing smirks.  Be on the lookout for Favreau (after the quality of Swingers and Iron Man 1) to turn into the next Michael Bay.  Hopefully he does not, but I am sure with the money Bay’s crap makes it is tempting.

This movie does something that a lot of sports and action movies do.  In the beginning of the climactic battle between (spoiler) the cowboys and aliens the aliens are kicking the cowboys’ (and Indians) asses.  Then a character dies, which get the cowboys and Indians pumped up (as if the fate of the world and their own lives was not sufficient motivation to give it their all) and then, without any additional weaponry or manpower they start to turn the tide.  I hate that sh*t.  That is only the beginning portion of a pretty good conclusion of the film, so do not feel cheated by that description.

The Indians – why are Native Americans always extremely noble or extreme fu*k ups?  Just once I would like to see (even if not true) a group of apathetic Indians who just want to be left alone in a movie, rather than either fighting for the spirit warriors of the past or drunk in a gutter somewhere.

THE UGLY

This portion is dedicated to the black gentleman sitting behind me in the theater.  He represented his stereotype well, not allowing a single moment, whether funny, action-packed, tense or boring to go by without his inner monologue being expressed outwardly.  By my comment count here is the breakdown:

Oh wow’s – 19

Oh sh*t!s – 11

Ooooooo’s – 33

Miscellaneous – 114

And my personal favorite – “Use that knife to stab that nigga!”  And by “nigga” he meant alien.

Final Grade – B/B-