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Week 2 of my San Antonio journey officially began yesterday as I moved from the outskirts of San Antonio into the heart of downtown to work at Rivercenter Comedy Club.  A quick breakdown of the two clubs – The LOL Club gets you free admission to the best movie theater in America (Alamo Drafthouse) and quick access to a Cheesecake Factory and a Chick Fil-A.  On the downside you are sort of isolated and the only gym you can workout at is Planet Fitness – a gym that bans jump rope and heavy weights, but does have tootsie rolls and pizza parties.  Now I am at the Rivercenter Comedy Club.  Pluses – near the Alamo, which could be defeated by an athletic high school basketball team (if the tall Dutch were attacking instead of miniature Mexicans it would have been taken faster – the thing is small and short), near a Fogo De Chao (a Brazilian steakhouse that serves unlimited filet mignon) and a free week pass to the Gold’s Gym.  There is a movie theater, but it is not free and not as good, though it is a solid AMC.  So at this point it is hard to draw an overall winner.  Each club has its strengths and weaknesses.  The tie breaker is simple:

LOL Club – comedians get a hotel.  At Rivercenter – comics get the condo.

Whenever a comedian gets booked on the road there are three possibilities: one is the club provides a hotel, the next is they provide a condo – an apartment the club owns or rents and have cleaned once a week for the incoming comedians (do yourself a favor and DO NOT bring a black light – better to live in ignorance) and the last is that the club provides nothing.  Shockingly the lack of any lodging is sometimes preferable to the condo.

The first time I performed at Rivercenter was in Fall 2011 and I did not see one bug the whole week.  So despite other comedians ripping on the condo I had no problem coming back to it.  And during the day I saw nothing.

I did the show that night and had a great set – excellent crowd.  Had fun chatting with the emcee George and the headliner Cory, who was my condo-mate (the headliner gets the room with the 14 inch tube television – BALLER).  However, as I walked back with Cory to the condo after the show he began telling me haunting stories about his last time at the club (which was Fall 2012 – so more recent and relevant) and the high quantity of roaches he saw throughout the apartment (to be fair there are a lot of combat traps and 2 bottles of Raid in the condo).  And like Beetlejuice or Candyman it was as if Cory summoned the evil spirits of roaches and waterbugs by saying their name because when I got back to the condo I saw a large roach climbing the side of my dresser. I promptly smashed it (#hero), but was now convinced/paranoid that the apartment was teeming with them.  I put all my stuff into my suitcase and sprayed every inch of the room with Raid.

We then went out where I decided a few beers might put my already tired ass into a coma so I could pass out without thinking about my new roommates.  We ended up going to this excellent place Mad Dog’s British pub, which featured outstanding karaoke hosts (they looked like an older Amy Poehler and Mya Rudolph performing a sketch about two older women hosting karaoke).  When Cory and I walked in we got great looks of “who ARE these guys” because Cory is short but very jacked and bears a little resemblance to Michael Vick, while I look like a back-up long snapper for an NFL team (hey we both made this fictional roster).  One of the karaoke highlights was one guy wearing a Roger Staubach jersey who did a phenomenal version of Cherry by Franki Valli and the Four Seasons.  The staff was hot, the crowd was fun and the hosts were great (singing, dancing and joking around – I guess women in their mid forties do have something to contribute after all!) and I started to relax.  After a thoroughly enjoyable couple of hours we left to go back to the condo.

We were talking in the kitchen area and I was starting to feel comfortable (all the lights on in the apartment) and then a roach just sauntered out towards me in the light of the kitchen.  This roach was like Blade – it was of the night, but could also walk in the light.  I then noticed one on the wall and Cory informed me that a stain on the floor was his handiwork earlier in the day (dead roach stain, not a Cory stain).  I promptly stepped on the one approaching me and declared “I’m out of here.” I felt like those brave souls at the Alamo that I was now so close to – outnumbered by aggressive, tiny, brown creatures.  I then booked a room at a nearby Doubletree for a surprisingly low rate (this blog is sponsored by hotels.com).  When I got to the Doubletree at 3 am the man at the desk looked at me and said “No offense, but you look deathly tired.  Here are a couple of cookies.”  And then I fell asleep in my beautiful room at the Doubletree.

Remember the Condo!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Yesterday I launched my latest comedy, stand-up comedy parody.  It got over 2000 views in its first day so I am hoping that momentum can keep going.  I warn you it is not safe for work (so use headphones if you are near others), but it is damn funny.

In case you are unfamiliar with the Scared Straight basis of my parody here is the 1999 MTV special that inspired me (warning – maximum security prisoners in the late 1990s were not as sensitive to anti-gay slurs as they might be today):

Overshadowed on my social media sites yesterday was a great new episode of my podcast where I interview, discuss and mock a woman who runs a successful dog yoga (not a misprint) business in Florida.  Enjoy it here.

But with the year 7 months done I though it would be good to provide a roadmap of the rest of 2013, so you can update your iPhone calendar or Outlook program.

1) COMEDIAN ESQUIRE Now – I just launched Comedian Esquire – a new Facebook page, twitter account and section of my website dedicated to legal humor and my law school bookings.

2) Investigation Discovery’s “Dumb Criminals” – My new web series combines actual legal knowledge with my sense of humor.  I am the co-host.  The Scottie Pippen of the show if you will.  Perhaps it will begin and end with this, but having even a toe in the front door of Discovery is a good thing.  This should launch the end of this month or very beginning of August and I will post it through my Comedian Esquire accounts.

3) Keep My Enemies Closer – October 1st is the anticipated release date for my new (and without question best) stand up album.  It may come out a week early, but be sure to plan on buying it (and gifting it) on October 1st on iTunes to get it to climb as high as possible on the charts on iTunes on that day.

4) New Videos – these are the videos that I will be producing through the end of the year.  They will all be funny.

• “Say My Name” Breaking Bad parody to promote Keep My Enemies Closer – August
• Law-Comedy Sketch – going to be fantastic, but I don’t want to say in case someone might steal it – September
• Comedy Academy (Kickstarter campaign likely because of scope and budget needed for this) – October.  I will be playing 6 different comedians, including a reprisal of Louis CK
• The Spirit of Biggie – November (the unveiling of my impression of the late, great Notorious B.I.G.)
• December – another law-themed video that I do not want to reveal for fear the idea might be stolen, but it will have widespread appeal – just trust me

5) Blogs, Podcasts and Movie Reviews – I will keep delivering the same weekly output for all of these.  So keep enjoying, subscribing and sharing please.  It really does help.

6) Day Job – I have some other high profile possibilities (low probability so not worth mentioning), but assuming this year ends the way the last 3-4 years have ended then the only other prediction I have is embarking on a new career in 2014.  But for the first time in years I am mildly hopeful that I can turn around my comedy fortunes – from the podcast, blogs, viral videos and slightly raised stature within comedy there is a shot that some things may pan out.  But if they don’t my bank account and bills cannot run on respect and Facebook “likes.”  So fingers crossed.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

A fun week is in the books in San Antonio, but it was not without its ups and downs.  The lineup consisted of a clean, Christian, 47 year old Mom of three headliner (the shows were billed as “clean” so I said no curses all week, though I did say “cockblock” in three of my seven sets), a 54 year old male father of three emcee who was getting back into the comedy game and a 34 year old comedic genius featuring.  It felt like Major League, with the emcee as Lou Brown, the headliner was Harris – the Christian pitcher at odds with Cerano, and myself as Rick Vaughn minus the invigorating entrance music or the groupies.  So the shows were an interesting mix – here are some other interesting tidbits related to the shows.

1. Clean comedy audiences do not buy merchandise like regular audiences.  Jews and Blacks – time to welcome a new group into the cheap stereotype fold – Evangelical comedy fans.  I sold a ton of CDs last time I was at this club (LOL Club), but this week it was like I was passing around a 3rd collection plate at Church.  I also lost one sale because of my parental guidance sticker on the album cover.  She asked me if the CD had “D’s” or “F’s”  and I said it has a few “F’s” but look out for my new alum this Fall which will have some “C’s”.

2. Attached women are devious at comedy clubs.  A lot of clubs have bars within their property, but not in the showroom.  I had a woman come up to me drunk at the Sunday show during the headliner’s set while I was sitting at the bar, which often happens, and say great set and then flirt a little bit and go back inside.  She then did the common thing in these circumstances – she went back in and emerged at the end of the show with her boyfriend or husband and said nothing as they left (e.g. “good show”, “you were funny,” “thanks for the quickie in the bathroom”) – nothing!  Comedy club attendees of the world – don’t trust your chicks if they take too long at the bathroom at the comedy club!  Though, I must admit this is still preferable for me to the chick that is inappropriately huggy (hand on chest of comedian versus a more neutral hand on arm or shoulder as an example) or flirty in front of their man after the show.  I often think, “Don’t get me mixed up in your husband’s future murder-suicide of you! I don’t want to be on his hit list when he realizes you are a skank!”

3. The manager of the club is a nice guy named Jeff.  Very pleasant to talk to and to work with.  One problem – he is a soft spoken British man and he has the worst hype game of all time.  When he gets the crowd pumped up for the emcee it sounds like a shy butler from Downton Abbey asking if anyone wants more tea.

4. A young woman gave me a weird look when I referenced The Godfather in my set – 2nd time in two weeks – now this was not to the joke, which was admittedly obscure – it was when I explained it to laughs and the chicks still looked at me like “How the fack would I know what the fack The Godfather is?”  I am not asking young women (and especially attractive women who in America are often so uninformed because the market of partners does not require them to know or think anything – still waiting to meet a hot woman under 35 with a subscription to a newspaper  – print or digital – I am not sure she exists any more) to quote The Godfather, but recognize that if I reference that movie I am referencing a cultural touchstone and not some obscure flick.  You don’t have to know quotes from Charles Dickens, but you should not look at me weirdly when I say Charles Dickens and go “Who???”

5. Last, but not least I did very well.  Here is a clean 30 minute set of mine from one of the shows if you are bored, have time or know anyone at Comedy Central:

Rounding out the usual road news I also saw three movies (for free MOM) this weekend so here are the quick reviews:

The Conjuring – excellent.  real throwback to well acted, occult terror of 1970s horror movies.

Pacific Rim – amazing effects – too much bad acting.  still worth the visuals.

RIPD – Ryan Reynolds is now down to his last 6 chances to succeed in Hollywood.  Funny Jeff Bridges, bad effects, lazy movie and the worst performance of Kevin Bacon’s career.

So now I have a big week ahead of me.  Here is a preview of what is to come in JLComedy world

• The launch of Comedian Esquire – a new Facebook page, twitter account and section of my website dedicated to legal humor and booking law school gigs.  In case you did not know I quit Comedians at Law a while ago, so please do not associate me with them any longer.  You want funny humor with legal knowledge look no further than me.
• Scared Straight: New Comedians Edition – the JLC video of the month goes up Tuesday – it is AWESOME
• The Dog Yoga episode of the Righteous Prick Podcast goes up Tuesday also.  Coming off the big week of downloads for my Trayvon Martin-George Zimmerman analysis I am back to debate and humor discussing and dissecting a woman who runs a successful dog yoga practice in Florida.  Another win for the state of Florida!
• And before the end of the month my criminal law-comedy web series with Investigation Discovery “Dumb Criminals” launches.

And if you are one of my 10 fans in Texas or know someone near San Antonio, remind them that I am at the Rivercenter Comedy Club this week from Wednesday to Sunday.

With 12 days in San Antonio I thought I would model the blogs while I am here (assuming there are no pressing issues or injustices to discuss) on the 12 Days of Christmas (except I will probably only write 4-6 times while here, so it’s nothing like it really).  I had a jam packed day yesterday full of laughs and disappointment, but first a quick comment about the Boston Bomber on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine:

I don’t care.  I am not offended, nor am I wildly supportive of it.  Magazines do it all the time.

OK, enough of that.  I woke up at 4am for my 7 am Delta flight (NYC-ATL-SAT) because I take flights in the “comedian budget” price range, which usually means either something before farmers wake up or something with more connections than Kevin Bacon.  Now when I left my apartment at 445 am it was 82 and muggy. When I stepped out of the airport in San Antonio it was 80 and not humid.  I then allowed myself to feel positive about comedy for a second. Uh oh.

To kill time in the afternoon I ate Chick Fil-A (as a man trying to lose weight sticking me in a hotel surrounded by a Chick Fil-A and a Cheesecake Factory is cruel and unusual).  And yes I ate at Chick Fil-A.  They do not bar gays from eating there so they aren’t a Southern Woolworth’s counter from the 1960s and they are not state sponsored like Apartheid, so even though I don’t agree with the owner (is the next step to boycott any company whose CEO votes Republican?), I think almost all big business owners in America are scumbags in some way or another (I don’t believe there’s such a a thing as an honest billion dollars).  The employees are nice and the food is tasty.  But for my heart’s sake I won’t be going back this week.

I then went to (what should be the headline of this blog) the best movie theater in America to see Pacific Rim.  Here is why the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema is the best:

• When I asked for my ticket to Pacific Rim (FREE for comedians) the woman asked me “It’s 3-D… is that OK?” EXACTLY – I appreciate her asking if 3- is ok, because too many people treat paying extra and wearing glasses as some privilege of cinema.  I like her stance that 3-D may not be everyone’s firs choice.
• The theater kicks you out if you talk or text during the movie.
• There is a FULL menu.  I am talking like a Cheesecake Factory-lite level menu.  Delicious food, milkshakes and movie snacks are available.  I got a popcorn, which was some of the best popcorn AND the largest popcorn I’ve ever had for $6.
• The theater has a lounge (where I mapped out my set for the show) and a bar.

In other words – this theater is Heaven on Earth for me.  Seriously – my low key career goal is to own an golden retriever.  My high end goal is to make a ton of money and then retire and own/manage one of these theaters somewhere.

In less important news, Pacific Rim was not good.  The effects are absolutely tremendous, but the acting and writing ranges from high school play to porn.  But I ate like a king and my ticket was free so no big deal.  I have 4 more days and will be reviewing The Conjuring tomorrow (and possible RIPD also this weekend).  The only thing I won’t see there is Grown Ups 2.  No amount of pleasure can mask that pain.

So then it was show time (after a Subway dinner – BALLER!) I headlined the Wednesday show for about 30 people.  It went great, though one woman kept interrupting me.  After the show I sold one CD, and lost two sales because I do not have a credit card thingamajig on my cell phone.  I then took the $10 from the sale and bought myself a piece of $8 cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory on the way home as I warned the crowd I would during an epic 10 minute bit about my struggles with weight loss.  Here’s a clip from the show:

So that was all day 1!! What does the rest of this week have in store?  Check in Monday morning for the next update.

If you are bored for me check out my podcast this week – been getting rave reviews and a lot of listens – the bi-racial lawyer’s thoughts on George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin.  Enjoy – http://righteouspk.podomatic.com/entry/2013-07-15T19_37_08-07_00

Well, I am in San Antonio.  Two remarkably smooth flights to get here – including an emergency row bulkhead seat – the holy grail for monsters like me who possess first class size, but economy class budget.  But not much to talk about.  Too Tired.  Tomorrow I will give a robust preview of all that is to come. But it includes 12 shows in 12 days, me staying dangerously close to a Cheesecake Factory and a Chick Fil-A and free movie tickets to comedians at the club to what is my favorite movie theater in Amurrica.  No wonder this city is so fat.  But I picked the right time to be here – it is a solid 10 degrees lower temperature here than in NYC and it is, in fact, a drier heat.

If you are bored for me check out my podcast this week – been getting rave reviews and a lot of listens – the bi-racial lawyer’s thoughts on George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin.  Enjoy – http://righteouspk.podomatic.com/entry/2013-07-15T19_37_08-07_00

This weekend I recorded the final show for my new album Keep My Enemies Closer and this recording was a home run.  I will use this set as the base for the new album and add a couple of the tracks from the Triad Theater recording for what will be about 76 minutes of comedy (mega album!).  I have rarely been happier than I was with Saturday’s show.  I am now working on album artwork and editing the album together.  I expect a late September or first week of October release date.

The night of the show was great.  A few friends, a few comedians and a few strangers came to watch (fortunately the small venue was nearly full so it sounded great).  Of course it was still bitter sweet that the best thing I have ever done in comedy, and the culmination of my best work over ten years in and in my hometown could not draw a bigger crowd, but this is an ugly reality of a career in stand up comedy.  There is a point in your career where you don’t yet have industry heat to draw more strangers or people pretending to be your friend, but your real friends have long since become disinterested in the novelty of their friend doing comedy and are more interested in their varied pursuits ranging from their new children to their fantasy football leagues.  But I am hoping that that will all be irrelevant in a few months. I feel confident that this album will rank among the very best comedy albums of 2013 and my only hope is to get it listened to by as many people and comedy insiders so it gets the exposure it deserves.

But this is way too much positivity.  What would a major event in my comedy career be without some ridiculously disappointing stories?!  Here you go:

A few days before the recording I ran into a good friend from college on the street.  We started talking and I ended up briefly sharing two of the big bits off of Keep My Enemies Closer and he laughed hysterically.  He then told me he had to make it to the recording.  Side note – is this where stand up is going?  Now you don’t just have to win over new fans – you have to audition for your own friends to attend shows?  Well the night of the show, this friend texted me two hours before show time, “Are you in Hunter City yet?” Now I think he meant Long Island City, the location of the venue I was performing at, but as a rule of thumb – if your friend gets the city of your show wrong in a text two hours before show time… they are not coming to the show.

And the next day, the same friend who in the first recording night invited me to watch the Knicks’ game during my recording (even though he said he might attend my album recording) texted me Saturday wishing me luck on my recording… 17 hours after it had occurred.   Along this trajectory, I assume his next text will be “fu*k you” unless he is just that tone deaf to social norms.

These stories prove that there’s no such thing as a perfect night in comedy… but this was pretty close.

Check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. Special episode this Tuesday on Trayvon Martin & George Zimmerman

Tomorrow (Friday July 12th) I record the last of the shows that will comprise my new stand up album Keep My Enemies Closer.  I have never worked harder at my comedy that I have over the two years and this final recording will be the culmination of that effort.  If I can get the album marketed well when it comes out this Fall I truly believe it will be considered one of the best stand up albums of 2013 with room to spare.   Tickets are only $10 and can be bought HERE.  Of course, true to the bittersweet nature of even my greatest accomplishments in comedy, the Laughing Devil Club, which has been very supportive of me (with spots, money and a location for my Louis CK parody) is up for sale.  So come tomorrow!

But this week has also been chock full of all sorts of comedy exploits that pay no money (they don’t call me the King of All Unpaid Media for nothing!).  If you want to prep for the show properly and hear what is at stake for me (or if you cannot make the show and just want to hear me be funny and depressing and angry all at once) check out these various items:

1. My appearance on comic-to-comic radio.  An hour long chat about comedy and my blog for the 30,000 listeners of this fun show

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/wazeoutradio/2013/07/11/comic-to-comic-with-guest-j-l-cauvin

2. My print interview with Examiner.com

http://www.examiner.com/article/interview-j-l-cauvin-to-record-new-album?cid=PROD-redesign-right-next

3. My appearance on the very popular Off The Meter Podcast with comedian/former NYC cabbie Jimmy Failla

http://offthemeter.podomatic.com/entry/2013-07-10T14_08_58-07_00

4. Connected Comedy Podcast –  no holds barred conversation about the comedy business and my career

http://connectedcomedy.com/podcastepisode40/

And just so you know this weekend I am filming SCARED STRAIGHT – STAND UP COMEDIANS EDITION, my newest sketch video.  On the horizon are that, 2 weeks in San Antonio, a week in Cleveland and my web series with Investigation Discovery which I will bombard you with probably around the 22nd of July.  But none of these are as important to me as the album recording tomorrow.  The show is going to be great stand-up and is a cheap night out.  So hope to see you Friday night (or just keep enjoying all the stuff on my site if you cannot – maybe share some stuff with a friend if you feel guilty about not going).

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

I have been delinquent in my blogging duties this week for a variety of reasons, but I am back on this glorious 4th of July to celebrate that most American of professions… stand up comedy.  July will be the busiest month of my year so far and it kicked off with a July 3rd feature gig at Foxwoods for my buddy (who will become “one of my best friends” once he hits it big, which is what all comedians seem to do these days), and hilarious comedian, John Moses.  He asked me to feature for him for one night (he is the feature for someone else the rest of the weekend).  The gig only paid $50, but John was driving and he thought it was a good opportunity to get me in front of the people from Comix to possibly get work down the line.

Side Note on John – he is an extremely talented comic, hard working and like me, someone who is not caught up in the mutual admiration society that has become the world of stand up comedy.  He just does his work, makes people laugh and moves on to the next opportunity or job.  But, at the risk of sounding like what I hate, that is why John is one of the few people I trust in comedy.  So I headed up to Foxwoods with John and his fiancée.  I lugged my podcast equipment to record an episode with John before the show, but in a sign of worse things to come the drive took about 6 hours with holiday traffic and we arrived only 30 minutes before show time.  No time for the podcast.  Not even time to ice my shoulder from lugging aforementioned podcast equipment.

The club at Foxwoods, Comix, is really nice and just walking around the casino I kept thinking two things – one, I wish all the casino gigs I got were not one-nighters and two, I wish I was not a struggling comedian because I would love to go to a casino for a nice weekend vacation.  Being a comedian is like being permanently on a working vacation.  You are not tied to an office, but you are always sort of working on stuff.  I was taking two vacations a year when I had a regular job.  I have not travelled anywhere that was not comedy-related or family visit-related in 4 years.   So if you consider play station marathons vacations then I am the most relaxed man in the world.

The gig went great.  I did 22 minutes, taped a really solid set, sold a CD to the one guy who was buying merchandise from anyone and also had J-L fan (and Dexter superfan from Tuesday’s podcast episode) Jon Butler show up to the show with a buddy.  Then the booker came up to me in the green room and told me he enjoyed my set.  Perfect – done.  Good set and even at $50 I was going to turn a profit on the gig.  And then Comedy Karma (CK?), like some sort of villain from a Stephen King novel, intervened. Martin Luther King Jr. said that “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” (this could have also been a pick-up line he told to his side action referring to his penis)  Well according to J-L Cauvin, the arc of comedy is sad, and bends towards fu*king you over.  Here is a timeline of what happened from that point on:

9:52 pm – I accompany John and his fiancée to Fuddrucker’s next door to the club for dinner.  I ate at the club already, but the two of them were starving and with John willing to drive me 1 hour to the New Haven train station I had no intention of being pushy.  Important detail: the last Metro North train to NYC from New Haven was scheduled to leave at 1135pm.

9:55pm – a woman cuts in front of John and his fiancée on the Fuddrucker’s line.  This is a great move that people should try more often, especially women.  I have been cut on line several times in my life and I do what most people do – I huff and I question and I semi-speak up, but then I sort of reach a confusion level where I half doubt if I was ahead of the person on line, simply because the conduct of the person cutting is slightly out of my frame of normal behavior that I know how to respond to.  The three of us did that to this woman’s cutting.  She took two minutes with her order.  Like The Usual Suspects you will want to review this timeline when you finish this blog to see all of the things that contribute to its tragic ending.

10:18 – Dinner is finished.  Just as we are saying goodbye to John’s fiancée who is headed up to the room, John realizes he left his valet parking ticket up in the room.

10:26 John hands the ticket to the valet

10:31 I get in the car with John.  I turn on the GPS and it is giving me an estimated 1144pm arrival at the New Haven Metro North station.  What then transpired was the first installment of a potential film franchise known as The Crass and the Furious, starring John Moses as Paul Walker and J-L Cauvin as Vin Diesel.  John Moses proceeds to shed 12 and a half minutes off of that time, all in a 2001 Malibu.  The unfortunate part is that he needed to shed 13 and a half minutes for me to catch the train.  When we arrived at 1136 pm there was no sign of the train.  John had basically pulled a Rocky I – he made it closer than anyone thought possible, but in the end Comedy Karma had received just enough help from a Fuddrucker’s skank and a momentary lapse in valet card placement judgment.

11:52pm We decide to look for a bus station to see if there are any midnight buses.  My GPS leads me to just a random public bus stop in West New Haven, where skinny black and white men wear lots of tattoos and no t-shirts at night. We arrive at the bus stop at 12:01 to see that it is a bench with a Rite Aid in the background.  Despair begins to set in.

12:07 We drive back to a La Quinta Inn, which had a sign out front saying “Rates from $95 a night.”  Considering I needed something walking distance to the train in the morning this was the most affordable choice.  I have stayed in La Quinta Inns before.  They are a solid chain, but not all La Quintas are created La Equal.  This felt more like a housing project that had been converted into a La Quinta Inn.  I go in and the lobby (and as it turns out the hallways) have no air conditioning.  I sign up for a room and John Moses says to me “You can’t quit comedy… not like this,” apparently reading a look of despair on my face that Helen Keller could have seen.  I bid him safe travels and went upstairs to my room.

12:20am If you have seen the movie Heat then you know the character Waingro (also cinema’s best representation of comedy karma).  He is a psycho who ruins everything for Robert DeNiro and when DeNiro has a chance to escape he decides to pay back Waingro, which eventually seals his fate.  This hotel and hotel room felt like the hotel in Heat where Waingro murders a prostitute. The room is sweltering so I turned the air conditioning on full blast.  I waited until my body had reached a decent level of cooling and then pulled down the sheets to reveal (no exaggeration) blood stains and some grey-ish brown streaks.  So in fact a murder may have actually taken place here, or at least a miscarriage.  Needless to say I slept on the other side of the bed.

12:47am I look up on Amtrak.com the trains in the morning.  I might as well travel in modest style home if I am already losing significant money on this trip.  And then what I saw truly horrified me.  There was a 12:35 am Amtrak for $39 that I had just missed and had forgotten even ran. It reminded me of the Stephen King movie The Fog, where Thomas Jane opts to kill his son in an act of mercy before he starves to death, only to have help come minutes later.

2:00am I fall asleep, ending the nightmare.  Well played Comedy Karma.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

The Aaron Hernandez saga has gripped the sports world and has almost made some people realize that, even if Lebron James is still the worst human being alive for leaving Cleveland, there are other athletes who are almost as bad.  Aaron “Not one murder, not two murders, not three murders…” Hernandez has raised the football player/murderer game to a whole new level.  Rae Carruth and Ray Lewis were merely Magic and Bird to Hernandez’ Jordan (for this analogy OJ will be Kareem Abdul-Jabbar).  As the stories and details roll in, let us not forget that the Patriots cut Aaron Hernandez, which I am sure sent shock waves through the fantasy football community.  This got me thinking, what other teams might see the murder-charge-as-way-to-cut-player way out of some bad situations?  So here are my (relatively East Coast centric, I don’t know much about hockey contracts, etc.) top ten teams likely to frame a player for murder list.  Enjoy!

1. NY Yankees – A-Rod.  At this point the Yankee fan base and organization has turned on him so hard that they would be willing to believe this.  Plus his contract might come up in the 2016 Presidential Election ahead of social security in terms of saddling the nation with long term debt.  Good news is Yankee Stadium is just a few blocks from my old stomping ground – the Bronx Criminal Court (or the Bronx Hall of Justice as it is actually called-  not sure which 9 year old or NYC comic book-loving comedian won the naming rights).

2. NY Knicks – Amar’e Stoudemire.  His contract sucks. His knees suck.  And he is a nice guy which means Carmelo Anthony is constantly fearful that teammates will pass him the ball for shots.  Those three factors make Amar’e a prime candidate for set-up.  Now his recently discovered Jewish roots might get him a family discount on some top notch legal defense work, but by the end of a trial he might be in a wheelchair anyway.

3. Cleveland Cavaliers – Delonte West.  Watching Lebron James win a second title reminds the Cavs of 2010 when Lebron magically forgot how to play basketball.  The big rumor was that Delonte West banged Lebron’s mother.  So instead of blaming “The Decision” blame “The Ejaculation.” Besides, as a tattooed, shotgun-wielding, bi-polar pro athlete, Delonte West makes the perfect target.  Hell, if you prove he is mentally retarded and in Texas or in Georgia they might execute him!

4. Boston Bruins -Tuukka Rask and Zdeno Chara .  A disappointing Finals for Chara and a crushing 17 seconds by Rask make these two the Bill Buckners of their time.  So expect a murder of Chara to be pinned on Rask or they may just go the murder -suicide route.  Rask, disappointed by Chara’s defense offs Chara, but then feels guilty and offs himself.

5. Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo.  Secretly Jerry Jones knows he messed up putting so much faith in Romo, but he cannot admit failure.  Instead, pin a murder on him and cut him right away. Simple.  Save face (not literally – all the plastic surgery has ruined that for Jones) and get rid of Romo at the same time.

6. Los Angeles Angels – Josh Hamilton.  I’m thinking a vehicular manslaughter (try to get Hamilton behind the wheel and claim a relapse to substance abuse) or you just throw a criminally negligent homicide at him next time he throws a ball to a fan who dives for it and dies.  Otherwise Rangers will be stuck with his horrible contract and the next A-Rod.

7. Phoenix Mercury – Britney Griner.  Forbes lists a WNBA franchise as slightly less valuable than a Subway franchise, but assuming the Mercury have insurance on Griner, pinning a murder charge on her might trigger a provision that yields far better financial results than a giving a bunch of day camps free tickets to WNBA games.

8. NY Mets – Jason Bay. Sure he is off the team, but the Mets are a sad franchise and probably still harbor ill will against Bay who stunk up Queens.  Besides Bay is Canadian I believe so maybe you can mix in some enemy combatant charges along with a murder charge and just know that he will disappear forever.

9.  Brooklyn Nets – Joe Johnson.  With a Russian owner I would simply call this move Eastern Conference Promises.  Nets Owner, Mikhail Prokhorov, knows where the bodies are buried and to free up cap space to get the Nets into a top 3 seed to challenge Miami he will need to pin one of those bodies on Joe Johnson.

10. Charlotte Bobcats – Entire Team.  Michael Jordan is the meanest man in sports and probably looks at Aaron Hernandez’s growing body count the way he watches Lebron collect Finals trophies: “Nice start, but not close.”  So with a horrible team what is stopping Jordan from pulling a move out of Unbreakable and sending the whole team plane down.  “They used to call me Air Jordan…”

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

With today’s historic decisions in the Supreme Court, one striking down the Defense of Marriage Act and the other, on procedural grounds, paving the way for Same Sex marriage in California, the Supreme Court has made today the most recent, and probably to be the most festive, celebration of the expansion of Civil Rights.  So before you start selling your stock in Grindr, double down on your in vitro medical practice or become a lawyer with a specialty in foreign adoptions I think it is worth looking beyond the obvious victories today and see who the real winners and losers are on this monumental day for gay rights, civil rights and lubricants.

1. Jason Collins. Loser.  Sorry Jason, but just a few weeks ago you were a pioneer, as the first “active” (unsigned) major sports athlete.  Now, with the avalanche of nationwide good news for the gay community, people will start to just look at you as a pleasant person who is terrible at basketball.  Get starting on that memoir now because I am pretty sure you will have all winter to finish it.

2. Marcus Bachmann. Winner.  Sure he is still married to Michele Bachmann, but this may give him the strength he needs to get rid of the Wicked Witch of the Midwest and finally be the Chicago Bear he was meant to be (this is the gayest sentence I have ever written)!

3. Heterosexual White Chicks. Losers.  Uh oh.  Your usage of gay men as mascots and sounding boards at brunch may be at an end.  it may not be as fun anymore having to listen to Thom and Brint’s wedding plans over mimosas while you struggle with yoru 19th failed relationship with a guy who is just not motivated or successful enough.  Start your own brunch Thom and Brint!

4. The WNBA. Losers.  Just thought I would reiterate this point.

5. Marijuana Smokers. Winners. Now as we move on down the line of freedom issues, the next will be weed smokers.  And as Adam Carolla once or twice said about gay marriage and marijuana – “Reason 1 I want them legal is because it is a matter of having equality and freedom as citizens and tax payers.  Reasons 2-10 is because I want them to shut the fu*k up.”

6. Scalia and Thomas. Winners.  They get to erode the fabric of the progressive movement each year playing the Wade and Bosh to Chief Justice Roberts’ Lebron, but also they will now be able to have their man crush legally recognized.  Huge week for these two love birds.

7. Frustrated Fathers of Gay Sons. Winners. OK, so as a father we know that your goal is to keep your kids away from dick, regardless of gender or orientation and you were dealt a tough play with a gay son.  But look on the bright side – if your son gets married, there is a strong (though I must stress, not certain) chance that that marriage will cut down his dick quantity but at least 40%.  It may not be the win you want, but it is mitigating your frustration (yes this is part of a bit from my upcoming album Keep My Enemies Closer)

8. Hollywood.  Draw. The Court loves business. And now it loves gays.  You guys are like the Vatican to the Supreme Court.  The world is yours, though remember Hollywood execs, when you bugger that young stud actor just looking for a role in your next pilot it might not just be business as usual – it might also be adultery.

9. Justice Anthony Kennedy. Winner.  Expect Time or Newsweek to declare Justice Kennedy “The Gay Justice” or to drop the “The” and just refer to him as Gay Justice – which either sounds like a Hollywood producer or a superhero who spent too much time learning punishment tactics on HBO’s Oz.  Kennedy has his digits on the two most significant victories for the gay community with his decision in Lawrence v Texas, which overturned sodomy laws and today’s DOMA decision.  He will never have to pay for another drink or pill of ecstacy for the rest of his life.

10. Crystal Meth. Winner.  If you thought the gay community was into Breaking Bad’s candy of choice before, just wait til that market explodes when they realize that marriage sucks!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!