Biggest Winners and Losers from Marriage Equality Day

With today’s historic decisions in the Supreme Court, one striking down the Defense of Marriage Act and the other, on procedural grounds, paving the way for Same Sex marriage in California, the Supreme Court has made today the most recent, and probably to be the most festive, celebration of the expansion of Civil Rights.  So before you start selling your stock in Grindr, double down on your in vitro medical practice or become a lawyer with a specialty in foreign adoptions I think it is worth looking beyond the obvious victories today and see who the real winners and losers are on this monumental day for gay rights, civil rights and lubricants.

1. Jason Collins. Loser.  Sorry Jason, but just a few weeks ago you were a pioneer, as the first “active” (unsigned) major sports athlete.  Now, with the avalanche of nationwide good news for the gay community, people will start to just look at you as a pleasant person who is terrible at basketball.  Get starting on that memoir now because I am pretty sure you will have all winter to finish it.

2. Marcus Bachmann. Winner.  Sure he is still married to Michele Bachmann, but this may give him the strength he needs to get rid of the Wicked Witch of the Midwest and finally be the Chicago Bear he was meant to be (this is the gayest sentence I have ever written)!

3. Heterosexual White Chicks. Losers.  Uh oh.  Your usage of gay men as mascots and sounding boards at brunch may be at an end.  it may not be as fun anymore having to listen to Thom and Brint’s wedding plans over mimosas while you struggle with yoru 19th failed relationship with a guy who is just not motivated or successful enough.  Start your own brunch Thom and Brint!

4. The WNBA. Losers.  Just thought I would reiterate this point.

5. Marijuana Smokers. Winners. Now as we move on down the line of freedom issues, the next will be weed smokers.  And as Adam Carolla once or twice said about gay marriage and marijuana – “Reason 1 I want them legal is because it is a matter of having equality and freedom as citizens and tax payers.  Reasons 2-10 is because I want them to shut the fu*k up.”

6. Scalia and Thomas. Winners.  They get to erode the fabric of the progressive movement each year playing the Wade and Bosh to Chief Justice Roberts’ Lebron, but also they will now be able to have their man crush legally recognized.  Huge week for these two love birds.

7. Frustrated Fathers of Gay Sons. Winners. OK, so as a father we know that your goal is to keep your kids away from dick, regardless of gender or orientation and you were dealt a tough play with a gay son.  But look on the bright side – if your son gets married, there is a strong (though I must stress, not certain) chance that that marriage will cut down his dick quantity but at least 40%.  It may not be the win you want, but it is mitigating your frustration (yes this is part of a bit from my upcoming album Keep My Enemies Closer)

8. Hollywood.  Draw. The Court loves business. And now it loves gays.  You guys are like the Vatican to the Supreme Court.  The world is yours, though remember Hollywood execs, when you bugger that young stud actor just looking for a role in your next pilot it might not just be business as usual – it might also be adultery.

9. Justice Anthony Kennedy. Winner.  Expect Time or Newsweek to declare Justice Kennedy “The Gay Justice” or to drop the “The” and just refer to him as Gay Justice – which either sounds like a Hollywood producer or a superhero who spent too much time learning punishment tactics on HBO’s Oz.  Kennedy has his digits on the two most significant victories for the gay community with his decision in Lawrence v Texas, which overturned sodomy laws and today’s DOMA decision.  He will never have to pay for another drink or pill of ecstacy for the rest of his life.

10. Crystal Meth. WinnerIf you thought the gay community was into Breaking Bad’s candy of choice before, just wait til that market explodes when they realize that marriage sucks!

 

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