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9 days of sports and comedy happenings

The title to this entry may appear to be a slight misquote from Rocky IV. But it is not because it actually has to do with the next 9 days of my life as a comedian and a sports fan.

Wednesday I go to Denver for my first batch of road work as a feature performer. I will be doing 30 minutes per show (7 shows total) in a region of the country that I have never been to. The only things I really know about Denver and Colorado are there are mountains, Broncos, Nuggets, Evangelical Christians (Jesus Camp) and Coors beer. I will be curious to see how they like my comedy, but fortunately I will get paid regardless.

This is also a prelude to two auditions I have in NYC the following week at Comix and Gotham. Perhaps if I get passed at these clubs nothing will happen. Perhaps it will be like receiving an honorary doctorate from a University. You are neither qualified to teach, nor does anyone want you to teach, but you are a doctor. I hope that it is not the same and that passing at these clubs will mean more work opportunities, new contacts and a shot at a huge 2008. We will see. Someone very close to me, however, has consistently made me sound like the Alex Rodriguez of comedy – hilarious and confident when no one important is watching, a disaster when something is at stake. I say I am more like the Jose Canseco of comedy – a big guy with a deft writing touch.

All that said – I will keep y’all posted on my shows and my status over the next 10 days.

But that is only half of what has me stressed out right now.

The Utah Jazz/NY Yankees situation. Now the Utah Jazz is my favorite sports team of all time. Don’t ask – they just are. And they have a nice, young exciting team this year and one that bodes well for the future. However, they are in the NBA Western Conference Finals this year and that is a bit ahead of schedule. Meanwhile, the NY Yankees a dominant force in pro sports are playing like ass. A coincidence? – I don’t think so.

See I am convinced that the Jazz have stolen the Yankees mojo or karma. Yankees go on a losing streak – Jazz upset the Rockets in the first round. Joe Torre’s sister gets fired as a high school principal – Dalllas Mavericks get upset by the Warriors setting up a much better match up for the Jazz. Yankees continue to lose and talk is of Joe Torre being fired – Jazz beat the Warriors. Yankees beat the Mets using a rookie – Jazz lose game 1 to the Spurs.

So, what I am asking to have happen (because, although the Yankees and Jazz are like children to me I, like any normal parent, have a favorite and the Jazz are my favorite) is for Joe Torre to get fired – that should be enough for the Jazz to make the finals, and then maybe Mike Mussina could get injured slightly to give us the win over the Eastern Conference.

I am just wondering what would have to happen to Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock for me to become a comedy star. There might not be enough.

A great advertisement for the airline industry

I have a fear of flying. I hate it. I do it when it is necessary, but when I have a reasonable alternative I use it. Amtrak has been that reasonable alternative. For my many trips to DC and the occasional trip to Boston I like to use Amtrak because it is on the ground and less scary than 30,000 feet above ground. However, after yesterday’s return trip from DC Amtrak may have just lost its place as a reasonable mode of transportation.

The 6:20 p.m. train (#158) from Washington D.C. is supposed to depart at 6:20. It did not – it left at about 6:40.

On a side note – in NYC the Amtrak line is a free-for-all because no one knows what track the train will be on until the last minute. So when people cut and maneuver it is somewhat understandable. However, in DC people are very organized and get in a single file line 30 minutes ahead of time. But when the train is ready to board there are always 30-40 people, let’s call them “pieces of sh-t,” who feel like the people in line are stupid and decide to slide to the front. I think those people should have to miss the train.

Anyway, just before train #158 reached the thriving metropolis of Aberdeen, Maryland we felt the train start to hit the brakes. That was because the train had hit a deer and had sustained heavy damage to the locomotive. Apparently this was a twelve foot deer weighing approximately 4,000 pounds. My girlfriend and I kept wondering how big could this deer could have been to fu-k up a train? As the trip wore on one thing we did not wonder about is why Amtrak is bankrupt.

After an hour delay (during which I was killing with my train delay material to random passengers) they fixed our train so we could crawl to Aberdeen, Maryland where we switched onto the already half full 7:20 train from D.C. We were fortunate enough to get seats during the forty-five minute boarding process, which felt like a prisoner exchange in the Middle East. There must have been at least 50 people without seats.

But then came a little city known as Secaucus, New Jersey. As I learned by listening to other people’s conversations, every Amtrak train is required to have an engineer on board, probably because their trains are pieces of sh-t. Well, apparently our engineer was fed up with how long the trip was taking (whose fault is that ????!!!) so he stopped the train in Secaucus (not a recognized Amtrak stop) and left the train. Because of his actions (LB) we had to wait an additional 25 minutes for a new engineer to take us the remaining 8 minutes into Penn Station.

This morning I spoke with my girlfriend who informed me that I would be getting a credit with Amtrak instead of the refund I demanded. Great! I just hope that the train is deer proof next time.

Where kids learn to work and play well with others… or else.

The first leg of my DC weekend tour is complete having just accompanied my nephew to Gymboree (pictures will be posted by Monday night).

Gymboree is a fascinating place. The Silver Spring, Maryland chapter, which is the one we went to, is run by “Ms. Rita” a pleasant woman who insists on pronouncing my nephew’s name, which is Gabriel, as Gabrielle. I assume she will call my new nephew, Julian, Julie Ann.

When we get there, Gabriel proceeds to stalk a young boy for his toy guitar for approximately 10 minutes. The boy’s father coaxes his son to give Gabriel the guitar, which is probably not a helpful lesson for Gabriel. Gabriel is having a tough time adjusting to life as an older brother. I am not saying that he is unhappy having a new brother, but I did catch him placing a pillow over Julian’s head last night while drooling the words, “Go to sleep.”

So after Gabriel gave up on the guitar he next became obsessed with wearing a helmet a police helmet to be exact. I just kept hoping that he would not be wearing one to school five years from now on the short bus. Gabriel would later sob uncontrollably when asked to give up the helmet.

My favorite part of Gymboree activities are the group activities where parents have to be half encouraging, half disciplinarians to get their children to cooperate. One parent might as well have been saying, “ok sit down and play, sit down and have fun and play, WILL YOU SIT THE FU-K DOWN AND FU-KING PLAY!!!” Obviously he did not say it, but I know what he was thinking.

As the group games began they brought out Jimbo, a clown-like doll, and began singing (actually just Ms. Rita) “We Want Jimbo” to the tune of We Will Rock You. So badass. Also Jimbo gives al the kids kisses, but I laughed inside when one father said to his son – “just Hi-five Jimbo.” And then it dawned on me that Jimbo is probably part of the Democrats’ homosexual agenda, considering the fact that Jimbo’s full name is Jimbo McGreevy and that he was wearing a t-shirt that read: I am a Gay Gymboree Clown American.

Then came my proudest moment of the day. We were all playing a parachute game where we create a massive tent for the children, basically by trapping them inside a parachute. But who do you think discovered a weak spot in the structure of the tent and led a jailbreak? Gabriel. It was like watching the show Prison Break, but in diapers.

After Gabriel’s outburst when he had to leave the helmet we went to play near a fountain in the nearby shopping center. Gabriel’s Mom went to buy some books so I had the pleasure of watching Gabriel chase after little girls. If he were twenty years older he would have been charged with stalking, menacing and assault, but because he is 2 1/2 he can get away with it. As I learned, Gabriel is in a neighborhood play group during the week and all the other playmates are girls so they often play a game called “Get Gabriel.” However, Gabriel has not yet realized that not every girl under the age of five is aware of this game , so it looked a little weird when he ran up to a girl, tapped her face and said “Get Gabriel” and then ran away laughing hysterically.

Now I am back home about to read to Gabriel. Perhaps something from the DC Penal Code on harassment.

J-L meets J.L. and other developments

So this weekend I am heading down to DC for Mother’s Day weekend where I will spend time with not one, but three Moms (mine, my sister-in-law and my girlfriend’s). More importantly I will meet my new nephew, who bears my initials, for the first time.

I will also decide whether or not to dissuade my brother from entering a Master’s of Law program at Georgetown University, to which he was recently accepted.

I view Georgetown University Law Center, the same way the world views genocide: we have seen the tragedies and been warned and yet people continue to do nothing when a new one arises. Similarly I am wondering whether I should tell my brother to forget it or to let him experience the pain of a law center for himself.

Should be a nice weekend and I am sure I will have some mildly amusing tales and pictures to share on Monday.

A cinematic enema

It has been some time since I gave a comprehensive movie review on this site. I still feel that I am recovering from the Winter of 2006 where at one point I saw 7 movies in 8 days or something like that. But with Summer Season underway I was very excited to see Spider Man 3 on Friday night.

In 2002 I felt that Spider Man joined the elite company of Batman and Terminator 2 as one of the best summer movies of all time. Then in 2004 Spider Man 2 came out and was actually better than the first.

Upon seeing previews for Spider Man 3 I was excited and actually believed it may join The Lord of The Rings as the only trilogy to sustain excellence for all three films (Sofia Coppola ruined the Godfather’s chances, as did the Ewoks for Star Wars).

But that is not what happened.

Spider Man 3 is a mess and the critics should be ashamed of themselves. Movie critics have been called whores for the movie industry for many years by my uncle, but he can be an extremely tough critic sometimes. However if ever that were true Spider Man 3 proves it. Some critics were harsher than others, but even in some reviews that I read that were very lukewarm they seemed afraid to say: “This movie sucks!” And then other critics, like at the NY Post and NY Daily News gave strong reviews. They were like pimps telling me about this amazing looking girl they have for sale, but neglecting to mention that she has a penis.

Well, let me tell you – Spider Man 3 is a mess. The computer effects play like a video game, there are to many villains and only a few jokes by Topher Grace and Bruce Campbell and one funny montage of arrogant Peter Parker were enjoyable for me. The villains are not developed at all and I don’t know if I have cared so little about characters since the tour de force Alpha Dog.

I do not blame audiences for flocking to this film in record numbers. I felt compelled to see it because of how much I liked the first two. But I do blame the audience members (probably 1/3 of the theater) that clapped when the movie was done. Without getting into the nonsense of clapping at a movie – shame on you dumb, easily pacified moviegoers.

And then there were the a-holes who kept talking throughout the movie sitting behind me and my girlfriend. She, like any petite woman with a 250 lb boyfriend decided to scold them halfway through the film. I felt like a marine in 2003 when George Bush told the terrorists, “Bring it on!” I get what you’re saying, but I may end up fighting this battle so could we use more diplomacy for now. Nothing happened except the gentleman who did most of the talking behind me kept calling Mary Jane Watson a slut.

Overall Spider man 3 is the biggest, but is also just the first of a potential awful trend for this Summer. Shrek 3, Pirates 3, Bourne 3 and Rush Hour 3 are just some of the third offerings available to audiences this Summer. FU-K!

Results are in: They’re all idiots (or at least unelectable).

I remember the Election of 2000. It was the first time I would vote in a presidential race and I was excited. I was a big fan of Al Gore and could not see how a Special Olympian from Texas/Connecticut would beat him. However, I was also in college and managed to read a newspaper once every 10 days so I was not as in tune as I should have been to what the country was apparently inhaling.

I even remember my political science professor taking a poll of the class and I proudly and confidently raised my hand twice when asked whether Al Gore would win the popular and/or the electoral vote.

Well I was in for a rude awakening when competent leadership lost out to “one of the guys.” (On a side note, since when is a hard line born again Christian “just one of the guys?”)

So with interest I tuned in to MSNBC last night to watch some of the Republican Debate, which turned into a contest for who was most interested in a threesome with God and Ronald Reagan.

All my family kept saying to me was that I should get into politics after watching this based on the quality of candidates. Unfortunately I would still have a tougher time because I am a Democrat and would be facing a tougher field of candidates.

As for as the Republicans let’s start with Mitt Romney. The former governor of Massachusetts, handsome, with Arnold Schwarzenegger-like hair, Charlize Theron-orange tan, a voice that could melt butter and an absolute joke. I am not one for superficiality when electing a president, but in his case I will make an exception. I cannot take a President who looks like he belongs on a Warner Brothers lot. I would always feel like I was watching a movie: “Now playing the role of the President of the United States, two-time Golden Globe winner Mitt Romney.

Superficiality also rules out former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. Really? President HUCKABEE? And he, along with two other candidates, doesn’t believe in Evolution. As I often tell people who tell me that they don’t believe in the death penalty, “No, no it exists.” Now in the case of the death penalty you can be against it and try to abolish it, but evolution is much more stubborn.

Next – John McCain. I know he was a POW and suffered great physical trauma, but when he gets to waiving those alligator arms I feel like I am watching a Jim Henson production from the 1970s entitled “Muppets Take On Old Politicians”

Sam Brownback, another one of Evolution’s enemies (in his defense he is from Kansas, which may have less evidence of evolution than other places) and all I can say is a man who looks like a 3 way cross of Joe Piscopo, Greg Brady and Mr. Furley (Don Knotts) will never be the leader of the free world.

Tommy Thompson, former governor of Wisconsin, is unelectable because he thinks it is alright for an employer to fire someone just because they are gay and because he looks like a rubber faced villain from Dick Tracy.

The rest of the candidates are pretty much non-entities, other than “America’sth mayor,” Rudy Giuliani. Hopefully if he is elected he will have “America’s son of a prostitute” Bernard Kerik as his Vice President. Rudy Giuliani has come to the realization that outside of NY he is a Democrat, but within places like NY he is a man who wields power uncompromisingly, much like George W. I think a Giuliani administration would be more transparent than the current administration but would also included more “Fu-k you, this is what I am doing, deal with it” moments than the Bush regime (and that’s saying something). Moreover, we may have elected the one man capable of evoking 9/11 more than George W. Bush.

So after surveying the field I realize that none of these men can be elected president. Once the Democrats win in the 2008 Election I expect there to be a big push to amend the Constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger can run for the presidency. That said, I have been wrong before on electability.

I think one of the toughest things to swallow with politics and why I may never get involved is because they seem to require, especially at local levels a combination of mediocrity and ass-kissing that makes me uncomfortable. Exceptional people in politics seem as rare as they do in every other profession and the old saying, the Cream Rises to the Top, has been disproved time and time again, most notably with our current president. So to answer all those e-mails and blog questions – no I am not running for President.

This weekend will be fun-filled for me. Game 7 of the Utah Jazz playoff series and Spider Man 3. Recaps will be given Monday.

Have a nice weekend.

It is time for George W. Bush to follow my lead

Critics said that setting a timetable would send the wrong message to our enemies. Some said that leaving before the job was finished would leave us worse off than before. Others said 28 years to be bogged down is too long a commitment.

Well, fans of my comedy may be sorely disappointed because plans are set for a June 2007 withdrawal from my parents’ home.

I believe my situation is similar to the War in Iraq and can offer a blueprint to success and withdrawal there.

1) I began law school the same month as 9/11 and the trauma of that was justification for a lot of decisions after that. Living in a post 9/11 job market I opted out of the most sensible/lucrative approach (law firms/Afghanistan) and went into government service (government/Iraq).

2) While living at home I was expected to be greeted as liberated, but slowly began to feel occupied. Furthermore Civil War began to break out among the Irish and the Haitians (Sunni/Shiites). I was told that I could stand down when they stood up, but as they have gotten older standing up has become more difficult.

3) There comes a time when you just have to leave. I am very grateful (and don’t feel like a loser) for being able to have lived at home and saved some money since leaving school. What I am telling you, Mr. President is that even though these colors don’t run, they can move.

One is bothering J-L and one is J-L

So in Phillipe news (two blogs on this loser is two too many, but anyway…), he has told my girlfriend’s friend that he “must see her again.” This was in the face of protests by her that she “hated him” and the fact that her boyfriend, (me) is approximately twice his size, does not work as a hairdresser and already hates him for fu-king up his passion, which is comedy.

So if anyone meets a 5’5″ bag of douche named Phillipe (or Felipe) who is a hairdresser for Aveda please punch him hard in the face, or at least don’t tip him if he does your hair.

In better news, my nephew was born Friday and he was not born on my birthday (he was 13 days early, exactly as early as his older brother). His name is Julian Langston (ironically, the name of the comic who beat me in March Madness was named Julian so thanks for the reminder). Not only that, but there is a good chance that when I make the initials J-L famous, little Julian will want to take J-L from me. But at least I will keep my birthday all to myself.

Well, back to work – yes I am working on Saturday night to keep the people of Bronx county safe.

And for all of you that want to buy me presents – I turn 28 on Tuesday. I will therefore extend my streak to approximately 1,000 days of living at home since obtaining a law degree from Georgetown, which is a modern day record. The all time record was when Gunther McCloskey, class of 1809, lived at home for 2,765 days after obtaining his law degree because he was the oldest son and his parents had died of sore throats and he had 11 younger brothers and sisters to care for on the family farm. Most people think I will never touch that record because circumstances would no longer mandate such an exhaustive stay at home. But some experts believe that the fact that I have been there for 1,000 days already defies logic and that the record may not be as untouchable as it seems. See you on my 34th birthday.

The story of one man’s quest to ruin the DC Comedy Fest

So this weekend I headed down to DC with three objectives: hang out with my brother and his family, MC two shows at the DC Comedy Fest and meet my girlfriend’s parents. Quite a full plate.

First, my nephew, featured prominently on the home page of my website is a cute little fellow and loves his mother. However, other than his stuffed bear it is unclear whether he loves anything other than his mother. I think sons start to love their fathers once they need jars and canisters opened.

Next to the DC Comedy Fest. Now if you go to the DC Comedy Fest website you will see me listed as the MC for two shows on Saturday night (taking place at two different times). This is obviously a trick because Saturday morning I received an e-mail telling me that I was not listed on the second show (once again check their website). So naturally I was a little pissed at the lack of organization, but like a good comedic grunt I went to the HR-57 theater (second stage – which was sort of like a WWII bunker with a microphone). The lineup was great, including my friend and fellow NYC comic Nick Cobb . My girlfriend was sitting in the front row with a friend of hers from high school and we were all set to have a great show. Then, just as I took the mic, Philipe walked in.

A little about Phillipe (which I learned later):

-He is 5’5″

– He is a hairdresser

– He is the most annoying motherfu-ker on Planet Earth

Phillipe sat down at the table with my girlfriend so I assumed he was a friend of hers from high school. So imagine my surprise when he started answering my rhetorical questions and shouting out random information barely related to the jokes being told. Throughout the performances here is what Phillipe did:

– Bought 2 comics beers and placed them on the stage during their sets

– Pulled off his belt and threw it on the stage during one comic’s performance

– Clapped and shouted a la Max Cady from Cape Fear (the DeNiro version)

-Angered every comic and audience member

I was in a tough conflict of interest position because I thought he was my girlfriend’s friend so I kept text messaging her things like: “Shut him the fu-k up please!” She then told me several important things like “I don’t know him.” and “I want to kill him.” Security wanted to kick Phillipe out, but I gave him more chances than Steve Howe. I probably shouldn’t have.

The comics were all great and I suggest you look them up: Bill Bushart, Myq Kaplan, Sean Gabbert, Mark Forward, Nick Cobb and Chris White. They all performed well and dealt with Phillipe well.

After the show, I was lucky enough to hang out with my girlfriend, her friend and Phillipe. Phillipe proceeded to apologize to me, but then told me that he was making the comics “raise their game,” and that he “made the show” and that he was just “being himself.” I then told him that if we all wanted to be ourselves I might have killed him. But since we respect other people, their performances and the laws of the District of Columbia I would not kill him and he should have shut the fu-k up.

Phillipe’s night ended with him at a bar complementing a woman on her breasts right in front of the woman’s husband. Bouncers became involved and we abandoned Phillipe. Right now he is cutting some woman’s hair telling her how funny he is.

Then Sunday I played the role of Greg Focker and met my girlfriend’s parents. Very nice people, very nice time. Her father seemed very interested in my comedy career. Now if the rest of America could share in that enthusiasm I would be happy and wealthy and he would not have to wonder why his daughter’s boyfriend calls himself a comic if he is dueling hairdressers for attention.

Why won’t the nappy headed hos leave him alone?

What I just did there was illustrate a point. I do not consider the Rutgers Women’s basketball team to be what Don Imus referred to them as. I am just trying to make a joke off of his joke. Tragedy + time = comedy. Hopefully there has been enough time. Besides I thought Imus was talking about Joachim Noah on Florida at first.

I have never been a fan of Don Imus, but I am familiar with his style. For instance when members of his station team would call the New York Knicks “Carjackers in shorts” there was no outcry. Why? Because like any “shock jock” Imus said things to get a rise out of people and to phrase things in intentionally abrasive ways. And people knew what to expect. I am not saying that he may not have prejudices and problems, but this is by no means a Michael Richards incident. I honestly don’t know why such a big deal has been made of this.

And another thing – last time I checked, Rosa Parks was not playing point guard for the Rutgers Women’s basketball team. So can we stop making them out to be the next great pioneers in civil rights history? Good for them – they accomplished a lot and are handling this with some class, but so what?

Also, I am not a Sharpton hater like many people, but Al – give me a break. This really doesn’t concern you. The Sean Bell incident I understand. The Abner Louima incident I understand. This? I don’t understand.

I will actually admit when I read the quote for the first time I laughed. Maybe Imus meant it as a searing insult to the women on the team and as a larger affront to black women (who have had it rough in America, second only to gay Native Americans as the most down trodden of America’s people). Black women have had it rough and still do in many respects, but Don Imus’ intentional joke will do a lot less harm than Hollywood and the music industry at creating a bad impression of black women. I respect the need and urgency to protect the image and dignity of black women, especially in light of this country’s history both recent and not so recent, but isn’t creating or helping to create a culture of acceptance of women as sex objects, as is so prevalent on music videos and subways much more of a threat. The typical 16 year old black man and black woman are watching MTV and BET, not listening to Don Imus.

But at the same time I have seen men like Al Sharpton critical of the hip hop culture, but those articles generally get much lighter coverage than incidents like this because this is easier. “White man calls black women Ho” is an easy headline and will sell more papers. So the media is just as much to blame for giving this the huge coverage that it has received. And then we buy it and debate and make it into an issue of importance (and write comedic blogs about it) instead of wondering about more important issues, like Anna Nicole’s baby daddy.

Don Imus should just go on Oprah and be done with it. I would also probably die of laughter if he had the balls to call her a nappy headed ho. Once is a mistake or bad judgment. Twice is balls and hilarious.