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  • Why I Should Run for Office January 29, 2007 by J-L Cauvin

    Besides the interns

    At a mentoring event at the high school near my office there was a speech by a man named Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu (I think it’s an Italian name). He gave a very insightful and inspirational talk for the many young men, mentors and parents at the school. He said one thing that has stuck with me, “What you do most, you do best.” Now he meant it for the young men who were playing more video games and TV watching than studying, but it resonated with me as well. So I said let me look at this week and determine what I do best.

    Today (Monday) I will workout for one hour, sit at a desk trying to put people in jail for 8 hours and then take a screenwriting class for 3 hours.

    Tuesday – Workout 90 minutes, crime/desk thing for 8 hours and then go to a 2 hour Police/Community Precinct council meeting as a representative from my office.

    Wednesday – 90 minute workout, desk/crime thing and then watch Sarah Silverman at Caroline’s.

    Thursday – 30 minute workout, crime/desk, then give a 2 hour Q and A to some kids at a project near where I live and to tell them what I do for a living (“Who knows what ‘surf the net’ and ‘cut and paste’ means?”)

    Friday – 2 hour workout, desk/crime and then see a potentially atrocious film.

    Now excluding the work I do now, what do I “do” most? Well I workout – but, because I do not want to spot people and be a motivational speaker for oversexed married women and fat men with too much money, personal training is not for me.

    I will see a movie, something reader of this blog knows that I do a lot. However that is only 2 hours of my week and seeing movies is not really a career.

    That leaves community service/public office. I will be going to two events for sure this week and perhaps a third on behalf of my office. I can’t blame them. Who doesn’t want to hear a funny 6’7″ guy speak, other than comedy clubs? So, based on my weeks of serving the community, it is today that I announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America.

    Sure there are problems – constitutional (I am only 27 and 35 is the minimum age), qualifications (no candidate has ever been elected to office that I know of that lives with their parents, except for that 18 year old mayor of that town in Michigan) and scandals (see my comedy routine, including my “Schwarz-e-lazy ass negger” routine from the first 6 months of my comedy career). But I don’t see any real obstacles in my way for running for president. Here are my positives:

    1) I am funny for a politician, just not good enough to get any work at NY Comedy Clubs.

    2) I am half black, but unlike Barack Obama I can legitimately trick many red state racists into voting for me.

    3) Based on my job I can come across as “tough on crime,” although I am usually much tougher on inanimate objects after my sports team loses.

    4) My father is an immigrant, which would make many people not named Lou Dobbs like me.

    5) My brother writes for a major American newspaper, as does my sister-in-law so they can pump lots of favorable publicity for me.

    6) I am 6’7” and would most likely be the tallest candidate. And the taller candidate (John Kerry excluded) always wins. Sort of like that guy who brings a bomb on a plane to be safe because, what are the chances that there are two bombs on one plane?

    7) I was 2006 Time’s Man of the Year. It’s true I looked and saw that I was on the cover.

    So after examining how I spend my time and figuring what I would do best I now know:

    Think about and write blogs about hypothetical situations that will be read by dozens.

  • Handicapping the Oscars January 23, 2007 by J-L Cauvin

    My last movie blog for a while, or until I see another movie

    Well the nominations are out and for the first time I have seen all Best Picture nominees by the day of the nominations. Here is my analysis and predictions:

    BEST PICTURE

    The Departed and Iwo Jima are the only two films from my Top 10 in the list and I believe The Departed is the Best film nominated. The Queen is a B/B+. Nicely done movie I could care less about. Little Miss Sunshine is this year’s Sideways. Granted it made me laugh and I did enjoy it, but so many films were screwed over by LMS and The Queen. Iwo Jima is a very fine film and can’t be counted out. However I believe it will be between Babel and the Departed. Babel is very good, but The Departed is near great.

    Should Win – The Departed

    Will Win – Babel

    Should have been nominated in place of The Queen and Little Miss Sunshine -Dreamgirls and United 93

    BEST DIRECTOR

    Should Win – Paul Greengrass for United 93. The best movie I have seen since Million Dollar Baby. Very simple. They could not nominate United 93 for Best Picture because of the “too soon” argument (understandable, but see the movie anyway). This nomination is a compromise and should be a victory.

    Will Win – Can Scorsese really be denied again? Yes, because Clint Eastwood is going to win for Letters From Iwo Jima. I firmly believe that Martin Scorsese is required to put Robert DeNiro into his next Oscar movie and only with DeNiro can he win the elusive Oscar. Meanwhile Clint Eastwood will become the Tom Brady to Scorsese’s Peyton Manning (eventually he will win, but he needs DeNiro/Adam Vinateri)

    BEST ACTOR

    Should win – I have not seen 3 of the 5 performances here, but I will by the Oscars, but I am sure that DiCaprio should win for Blood Diamond. Best performance of his excellent young career. Forest Whitaker is one of my least favorite actors alive, but was strong in The Last King of Scotland.

    Will Win – Peter O’Toole if Scorsese does not win (only one sentimental choice per year). Forest Whitaker if Scorsese wins best Director. If Peter O’Toole does not win he will be 0 for 8 in Oscars. What a loser. Lawrence of Arabia most overrated film of all time.

    BEST ACTRESS

    Should Win – Dame Judi Dench for Notes on a Scandal

    Will Win – Helen Mirren from the Queen. (Note on Best Actress – roles for actresses often are like female comics for me – I generally don’t care what they are saying, but occasionally they make me take notice either because of 1) startling talent or 2) by exposing their breasts – see Hilary Swank for the former and Halle Berry’s “Oscar Winning Role” for the latter). Judi Dench is the former and with none in the Halle Berry category – although if Kate Winslet pulls a Titanic in Little Children I may have to readjust Dench and Mirren’s chances – I see it between The Queen and Dame Dench.

    SUPPORTING ACTOR

    Should win – www.jlcauvin.com’s entertainer of the 2006 Mark Wahlberg (I really think they are rewarding his work in Invincible with his nomination for The Departed). But he did steal every scene in the Departed.

    Will Win – Eddie Murphy – All I can say is Jimmy Got Soul – my second favorite performance in this category

    SUPPORTING ACTRESS

    Should Win – I know Jennifer Hudson was awesome in Dreamgirls, but Cate Blanchett was excellent in Notes on A Scandal. Either way it should and will be one of these two.

    ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

    Should Win – the very creative Pan’s Labyrinth.

    Will Win – Letters from Iwo Jima for the unique angle of telling the story from the “enemy” side. And in Japanese. Either way the screenplay will not be in English

    ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

    Should Win – Notes on a Scandal

    Will win – Notes on a Scandal

    Bet Animated Feature

    Should win – Cars

    Will win – I have to put Cars, after renting Monster House and puking through Happy Feet because if Happy Feet wins I will break my TV and not be able to watch the rest of the Oscars

    Enjoy the State of the Union tonight. This ends movie season on JLCauvin.com

  • Hollywood Outsources Its Movies January 22, 2007 by J-L Cauvin

    What’s Next? Domestic Chores and Lawncare?

    Tonight I begin a screenwriting course, which will inevitably help me write a TV show that will make me millions of dollars. That is what I thought until I saw what was happening in Hollywood.

    Three movies, vying for Best Picture and other Oscars are not from traditional Hollywood powers like Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard and Ridley Scott. No they are from three Mexican filmmakers – Innaratu, Del Toro and Curaon and the films, respectively are Babel, Pan’s Labyrinth and Children of Men. And they are another example of what Lou Dobbs has called our “Broken Boarders.”

    Steven Spielberg did not direct a film this year and it is no wonder. Why does Hollywood need Steven Spielberg, a director called by this very website, “the greatest director ever” when it has Guillermo Del Toro saying, “I wanted to make a movie for $20 million, but make it look like it cost $60 million.” Translation into English – I will do the film work of Steven Spielberg for 33 cents on the dollar.

    Babel is the next film and has already been praised by the Hollywood Foreign Press as their best picture of the year. Sure it was well done, but the movie is full of propaganda on the part of the pro-illegal immigrant lobby. For example (spoiler – go to next paragraph if you want to see Babel) you are supposed to feel bad for the ILLEGAL nanny who has been in the country for 15 years taking care of Brad Pitt’s children when she is found in Mexico and not allowed back into the states. Where’s the sympathy for the legal immigrant au pair from England who was supposed to get that ILLEGAL’s job and now cannot take care of Brad Pitt’s children and ruin his marriage with a love affair behind his wife’s back? There’s no outcry on behalf of adulterous legal western Europeans by that lobby.

    And then we get to Children of Men, a film about how women are infertile and cannot have babies anymore. Lots of white people and black people in this movie. The not-so-subtle message? No Mexicans, no babies.

    I urge the Academy when they are voting on their choices for best Picture to remember the quality films by our homegrown filmmakers and to not buy into the propaganda pro-illegal agenda of these Mexican filmmakers.

    I must say I am a little selfish here. I am beginning a screenwriting class tonight and I want to know that when I write my show/movie that my inferior work will be protected by a big wall and laws that will stop talented and hard working people from taking my unearned opportunity and at a fraction of the cost that I would charge for it. So please Academy – nominate Borat for best Picture before any of the Mexican Triple Threat so that people can see what good Americans are capable of.

  • Bad Entertainment January 19, 2007 by J-L Cauvin

    Alhpa Dog Should Be Neutered and Cold Mountain Should Be Melted

    Briefly I would like to adjust my top 10 movies for 2006, having seen some new films and considering the films I had seen:

    10.Notes on A Scandal

    9. Letters from Iwo Jima

    8. An Inconvenient Truth

    7. Pan’s Labyrinth

    6. Blood Diamond

    5. Children of Men

    4. Invincible

    3. Dreamgirls

    2. The Departed

    1. United 93

    I felt I needed to do this to reaffirm that there are good films out there because last night I saw a film that makes Miami Vice look like the Godfather. The film was Alpha Dog and it really brought awful to new heights for me.

    Justin Timberlake is one of the stars in this film and says the word bitch approximately 455 times. The “star” of the movie, Emile Hirsch, plays a rich suburban gangster drug dealer and is so bad I wanted the actor to go to jail, not just his character. But the worst performance of the film and perhaps the worst performance in movie history is given by Ben Foster. He plays a drug dealer whose debts lead to the kidnapping and murder of his baby brother. This performance is so bad it is literally laughable. Every time he spoke the theater erupted in laughter.

    Justin Timberlake or as my friend Phil calls him, “Bustin Tendercakes,” has been getting praise for his acting, but it is only because the rest of the acting is so atrocious. I was so disgusted at how bad this film was that I bought a puppy, named it Alpha and then kicked it off a bridge Jack Black-style in Anchorman. So for my first review of 2007 I give Alpha Dog an F-.

    To make matters worse though I have just finished, after about 7 weeks of reading, the “acclaimed novel” Cold Mountain. I did not see the movie and many people have told me that the book is great. So I read it. Here is a paragraph to summarize what reading this book is like:

    “The dew of the early mountain morning glistened in the new born Sun like the sweat off of the brow of a field hand who has just learned that the work in the field is not yet done and whose fingers are numb with pain from the tedious and arduous work that has marked his years of existence on the soil. The earth smelled of the fertility as if it were an expecting mother unsure of what the future holds, but sure of the potential for growth and power within. Then someone gets killed.”

    We get it Charles Frazier – you like metaphors and you want your book to be called literature and not just a novel. I read about 35 books a year of varying topics and length. Cold Mountain has eaten up almost 1/6 of a year (12/06-1/07). So if you can’t trust Justin Timberlake or Cold Mountain, who can you trust when looking for some good entertainment? Not a good start 2007.

  • I like feeling needed January 11, 2007 by J-L Cauvin

    Make that 20,999 troops you need Mr. President

    So yesterday I received some sad news. I e-mailed someone who works at the LA Improv who had recommended me for a Live at Gotham audition. I had heard of some other comics getting auditions, and like Derek Zoolander I was all ready to accept my 4th male model of the year award. However, the e-mail I received was not good news (although this person at the LA Improv has been nothing but nice and helpful). I did not get a spot. Damn that Hansel, he’s so hot right now.

    I promptly tried to put my fist through my desk (which is the same reaction I had when I failed the bar exam by 3 points). But like the bar exam I was over it in about two hours and ready to move on.

    And when one door closes, another door opens.

    It turns out our President, George W. Bush, wants to send 21,000 more troops into Baghdad. Just when I thought I was unwanted by the comedy world here is our President telling me that I am needed. And not for some outpost skirmish. No he wants me center stage in Baghdad. And this is a double win because I have experienced that whenever I go through a significant life change or decision I am able to come up with lots of good comedic material. And I have to think that serving in the new surge on Baghdad would give me plenty of material. Here’s a sample that I anticipate:

    – I’m so big and tall the enemy did not even have to aim well to injure me! Sure I lost my legs, but I am still 5’9”!

    – Sure I made the prisoner get naked and stand on a box. But I bought him dinner first because I am a gentleman.

    – What’s the deal with Allah?

    – I was so thirsty and hot in Baghdad I was hallucinating that I was in the middle of the biggest mistake the United States had ever made.

    So Gotham, although I am disappointed in not making your show I have heard a higher calling. I need to serve my country and I am certain that although I got laughs at Gotham I’m going to kill in Iraq.

  • No Hall of Fame for Big Mac January 9, 2007 by J-L Cauvin

    Another reason why needles in your ass are a bad thing

    Well, Mark McGwire became the first casualty (if you exclude Rafael Palmero’s Viagra needing member and the English language after Jose Canseco’s literary foray “Juiced”) of the steroid era. He was the greatest slugger of his time and has what should be sure-fire Hall of Fame numbers. However, just because his arms were the size of refrigerators, his skin was more acned than a 15 year old computer geek and because Jose Canseco claims he injected him with needles in bathroom stalls, Mark McGwire is being denied the Hall of Fame. Why the double standard?

    Do the porn awards penalize performers who use Viagra? Of course not. After all, why penalize someone who has already been sexually assaulted by an immediate family member.

    Does the NFL Hall of Fame penalize people for being violent? No – in fact you can murder people and still stay in the Hall of Fame. In fact when Ray Lewis is inducted, they will have to open a Homicide Wing in Canton.

    Do the Oscars refuse to nominate actors who play handicapped people even though it is easy and an unfair advantage? Nope – although George W. was not nominated for Fahrenheit 9/11, which may have signaled a change in Academy policy.

    My point is that sports are a reflection of society and in Mark McGwire we have a role model for all Americans. Let me offer you an analogy.

    When I see a homeless man or woman begging for change on a cold NYC street I usually try to give them some change. Some might say it’s a scam. A scam for what? If they are willing to sit in the cold in smelly, tattered clothes to trick me – consider me tricked. Likewise, if they are going to use it for drugs instead of food, well go ahead. I am not sure how much can be done for the guy who has no teeth, smells like piss and claims to have AIDS. But he can still get high and if I can help him with that consider it my Million Dollar Baby moment.

    Similarly, if Mark McGwire was willing to hang out in bathroom stalls with Jose Canseco, allow his skin to approach that of Manuel Noreaga’s, make out with Sammy Sosa on national TV and then act like a bit-h in front of Congress, doesn’t he deserve the Hall of Fame?

    In short if you are willing to cheat and degrade yourself in pursuit of money aren’t you really embodying what is so great about America? As Nino Brown said in New Jack City, “This is big business. This is the American Way.” (Wesley Snipes, who played Nino Brown took those words to heart as he I believe has a tax evasion indictment pending). So I say – let Mark McGwire in the Hall of Fame. I will allow Big Mac’s words to end this inspired by A Few Good Men:

    “I use words like andro, anabolic, juiced. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent injecting crap in my ass. You use them as a punch line. I would rather you just say thanks for the home runs and be on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick a dumbbell and take some batting practice. Either way I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!”

    Well said.

  • Threesome January 5, 2007 by J-L Cauvin

    James Brown, Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein

    With my obsessive compulsive movie binge done (I added Notes on A Scandal and The last King of Scotland to my list, giving me 8 movies in 9 days – disgusting) I now turn my blog to three important deaths that have occurred since Christmas.

    1) THE CANONIZATION OF JAMES BROWN.

    I will always remember him as the singer of Sex Machine and the author of the second greatest mug shot in history, behind Nick Nolte. What i was not prepared for was the memorial services. I guess now we wait to see if the Pope finds that in fact two miracles did occur at James Brown’s hand. I kid – I know he was a great artist and a huge influence on music. But I wanted to strangle his daughter when she spoke though – I am not sure “which one,” but it was the one that really annoyed me and said “Y’all know James Brown was headlining” in Heaven on Christmas. She bothered me.

    2) GERALD FORD – THE GEORGE LAZENBY OF PRESIDENTS.

    George Lazenby was the actor who played James Bond for one film in between Sean Connery and Roger Moore. I am not sure more needs to be said except – really? No mail on January 2nd also? The guy was president for an afternoon for Pete’s sake! I had to wait an extra day for my Amazon order. On a related note – most overrated Gerald Ford on SNL – Chevy Chase. Most underrated Gerald Ford – Dana Carvey’s Tom Brokaw anticipating the death of Gerald Ford news stories.

    3) SADDAM HUSSEIN – DEATH OF A TYRANT. BIRTH OF A COMIC.

    Sure he gassed a lot of people. Sure he ran rape rooms. But like last rites to a Catholic, a comic appreciates sarcasm can be redeeming in the eyes of a comic. The fact that Saddam Hussein went out saying a Muslim prayer… sarcastically, according to one observer, is priceless. I cannot say I am happy about Saddam Hussein’s death. The same way I do not cheer when a Neo-Nazi murderer kills a child molester in prison because “that’s just wrong.” Death should only be dispensed by someone who is beyond reproach, which is why I am against the death penalty in all cases. I will say if we were to condemn Saddam for anything it should be inefficiency. Why kill in 25 years what can be done in 3 ½ years?


  • My Top 10 Films of 2006 January 2, 2007 by J-L Cauvin

    Conclusive Proof that I have no Life

    Before going into my top 10 allow me to give you honorable mention to Babel, Borat and Cars, which were all cut from the Top 10. They are all worth seeing, but Cars was a step below the usual Pixar brilliance, Borat’s nude wrestling scene was too graphic and Babel was very solid, but was just beaten out by better films. So here it goes:

    10) (Tie) Pan’s Labrynth and Letters from Iwo Jima. In a Lou Dobbs’ move I am putting foreign language films towards the bottom of my list.

    Letters from Iwo Jima is the Clint Eastwood companion film to Flags of Our Fathers and it is much better. Perhaps because I had read the book first, I was disappointed with Flags. Letters from Iwo Jima is much more interesting, and there is no Paul Walker cameo to detract from the acting quality, unlike Flags.

    Pan’s Labrynth – very cool Spanish language movie about a little girl whose stepfather is the most evil man alive and she escapes to a labrynth when she finds out that she is a Princess from another world (do not expect David Bowie to come prancing around this labrynth). Very good film. And that is saying a lot considering I saw it at 10:45 am on New Year’s Day.

    9) Apocalypto – The third foreign language film on the list. Extremely visual and tense film. Mel Gibson is absolutely out of his mind, but this movie is quite good. I suggest eating a rare steak and drinking red wine before this movie. It makes the heart removals and beheadings feel more real.

    8) Casino Royale – if not for a sort of dragged out confusing ending, this movie might have been higher. Great stunts and exciting pace. He’s no Pierce Brosnan in terms of looks, but apparently Daniel Craig just went on steroids for the role to make up for his lesser looks.

    7) Children of Men. Exactly how I envision the future. Chaos everywhere and the only people who can save us are Clive Owen and Michael Caine. All I kept thinking was – “this must be how Iraq looks like day-to-day – I wouldn’t want freedom either.”

    6) Blood Diamond – Leonardo DiCaprio is terrific in this and yes he is a pretty man. Critics kept saying the movie was too preachy. I disagree. I believe every man who is in a serious relationship should watch this movie with his woman. If she still wants a diamond after seeing the movie she’s a keeper.

    5) An Inconvenient Truth – Speaking of preachy films, Al Gore proved with this film that he is the world’s greatest power point presenter. This movie is scary and important. It is important because it shows what dire shape the earth is in and it is scary because it shows how much weight Al Gore has put on since winning the 2000 election.

    4) Invincible – If my Top 4 films were on Sesame Street the typical person would say – “I know which one doesn’t belong – Invincible.” Well screw you. This is my 2nd favorite sports movie of all time behind Hoosiers. It is a feel good movie, with the appropriate level of training montages and 70s rock and funk. Marky Mark and Greg Kinnear are excellent.

    3) Dreamgirls – Great production. I have nothing bad to say about this film except that the top 2 were just a little bit better. Everyone is great, but I especially liked Eddie Murphy’s James Brown-esque final number. Jaime Foxx plays a villainous character which I enjoyed, not because he was so good, but because it gave people a reason to hate him, which was like payback for Miami Vice (see last blog – Worst movie of the Year)

    2) The Depaaaahhhhted. Great acting (Marky Mark beats out Leo for my entertainer of the Year because Invincible ranked higher than Blood Diamond and they were both in The Departed). Great Story. Annoying Boston-speak. Rolling Stones playing throughout the movie. Prosthetic cock shot for Jack Nicholson. What is not to like? If not for the last 15 minutes – would have been number 1. Instead the Departed must settle for being the Wes Mantooth of 2006 (Anchorman reference if you don’t know).

    And the number 1 film of 2006…

    1) United 93. Flawless movie and proves something that George Bush has been using for 5 years – if you evoke 9/11 you can’t go wrong. I can’t wait for the sequel.


  • The Worst Films of 2006 December 31, 2006 by J-L Cauvin

    Tomorrow we will start the New Year with the posting of my Top 10 films of 2006. But let’s end 2006 the way I like to – on a bad note. Here are the worst films of 2006 (obviously I have not seen films like Basic Instinct 2, etc. This is a list of the movies I was either suckered into seeing or saw for some other reason than pure personal desire):

    10) Poseidon – The Imax Experience usually enhances a film, but this just made the crappiness bigger. Effects could not save this awful film. Special kudos to Kevin Dillon who proved that he could only play Johnny Drama on Entourage.

    9) Scary Movie 4 – My mentee asked me to take him to see this. Being a mentor I should have taken a stand and said No. I felt like an enabler for a bad movie addict. They should have stopped after Scary Movie 1.

    8) Final Destination 3 – my mentee again. Bloody mess of a movie and very dumb.

    7) Ice Age 2 – My least favorite animated franchise of all time. I hated it with a passion, but it was slightly better than the 1st. But installment 45, perhaps the franchise will be watchable.

    6) Click – The Worst Adam Sandler movie of all time by far, and that is saying a lot. Christopher Walken’s most absurd impression of himself. And the shame of all people who have ever been told that they resemble Adam Sandler.

    5) Happy Feet – Made me want to slaughter penguins. Why this film has received critical praise is beyond me. Hugh Jackman gives one of the worst performances of the year and he is only an animated Elvis-type penguin.

    4) The Good Shepherd – Robert DeNiro should not be allowed to direct again. First the star of his first directed film is accused of murdering an NYPD officer. Now, his second film makes me want to kill myself. Stop it Bobby. All stars of this film should give back their paychecks.

    3) Everybody’s Hero – the worst animated film of the year. It didn’t register on many radars except those of parents and guys dating women with kids. Just terrible.

    2) Cry Wolf – Actually this is probably the worst movie I have ever seen. It was one of those, “We’re near a movie theater and I feel like vegging out with some popcorn” type films. Jon Bon Jovi plays a teacher in this movie. He was the stand out actor. All the young actors in this film should lose their SAG cards and their citizenship, of whatever country they’re from. Grade for this movie F-.

    1) Miami Vice – One of the greatest disappointments in film history for me. Michael Mann is one of my favorites. Heat, Last of the Mohicans, The Insider and Collateral are some of my favorite movies. Although not technically worse than Cry Wolf, Cry Wolf had no expectations – it was like a Special Olympic athlete. But Miami Vice was like a ‘roided up Marion Jones – very high expectations. It met none. Michael Mann – worst script of the year. Jaime Foxx – worst performance of his career. Colin Farrell – worst mustache of all time. Congratulations Miami Vice – you are the worst movie of 2006.

    I will see my 6th movie in 6 days to complete my quest for a top 10 films for 2006. Look for it tomorrow.

  • The Good Shepherd December 25, 2006 by J-L Cauvin

    And I am not talking about Jesus

    Now I wanted to hold off on blogs until the end of the week when I could put out a legitimate Top 10 movie list for 2006. Unfortunately I saw a film last night that requires a public service announcement. DO NOT SEE THE GOOD SHEPHERD. Consider this a Christmas present.

    Now Robert DeNiro’s first directorial effort was a Bronx Tale. It was not great, but it was a solid effort. The only word to describe his second film is messy. It is sure to join Miami Vice and Happy Feet in my worst films of 2006. Here are the reasons why:

    1)The film is too jumpy. This film jumps around so much it makes The Godfather II look linear. Telling the story chronologically would have helped except for the fact that…

    2)I did not care what happened by the end of the film. Not one performance in this film was worth watching. It seemed like every one was mailing it in. They all sucked. If no one in the films seems to care or be worth caring about, why would I?

    3)We get it – spies speak in metaphors. “The pool is full of water, but there is no chlorine.” “The bread is in the basket, but the recipe needed more yeast.” “The weather is looking better, but the clouds are still looming.” “Fish are still swimming, but the food is almost gone.” SHUT UP AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN ONCE IN A WHILE.

    4)There were 4 opportunities to end the film mercifully, but it just kept going and going and going.

    5)They had to force Matt Damon to marry Angelina Jolie when he gets her pregnant. Wow – what a sacrifice. Fine, fine I will marry the world’s hottest woman, but I am only doing this because it is the right thing to do.

    6)The young man who plays Angelina and Matt’s son is one of the strangest looking people I have seen in a movie and is a horrible actor.

    Overall grade – D+

    I will not see every movie this year, but the last 4 before my top 10 are: Children of Men, Letters From Iwo Jima, Blood Diamond and Pan Labrynth. Enjoy your holidays and remember the only Good Shepherd this Christmas is the one with the long hair and the miracles.