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Barry Bonds Feet and the 1st Great Movie of 2007

So one of my favorite books of the last year, Game of Shadows, is now in paperback and there has been a lot of talk on the sports radio stations of some new revelations in the paperback edition. Mainly, the fact that Barry Bonds, the testicle-less slugger for the San Francisco Giants, has seen his head, chest and feet grow remarkably over the last decade.

Now if Barry Bonds had started the decade at age 7 that would make sense. But his head has grown 3/8 of a hat size, his jersey size has gone from a 42 to a 52 and his shoe size has gone from a 10.5 to a 13 during his 30s!

You know what they say about guys with big feet – Human Growth Hormone. I actually believe that Barry Bonds began taking hormones and steroids to compete in the dating market in San Francisco. If you have ever heard him speak, he is somewhere between Richard Simmons and the flaming guy in Best in Show.

But San Francisco remains in the news with Zodiac, the movie that is being hailed as the first great movie of the year by film critics. I am excited because it is from David Fincher who directed Seven, one of my favorite films.

As I understand it the film is about a man who terrorized San Francisco, caused the death of many people and was never brought to justice. I just wonder who is playing George W.

Threee of four #2’s that you probably don’t want to read about

First off, as predicted in an earlier blog, my second nephew will be born (C-section) on April 24th (not intentional because my sister-in-law did not remember my birthday at the time). That means my first nephew shares the same birthday as my brother and my second nephew will share my birthday. Now I have only have 14 months to come up with really good excuses for forgetting my second nephew’s birthday.

My website is about to begin its second year on the internet. I am throwing a party for the 7 blog readers. Not really, but I will be indulging in a little self-praise by posting my favorite 5 blogs of the first year March 5th thru March 9th.

And lastly, but most importantly, my comedy group “Comedy Without Reservations” just had its second show. Now imagine you were putting on a comedy show and the venue’s owner was giving you a hard time, sort of like Jack Nicholson’s character in The Departed. Well, fortunately Hoboken was nothing like that. Great fun, great crowd, great show. Our next one is this Wednesday back in NYC – check wwww.myspace.com/zeroreservations for info. There are photos in my blog photo section from the show. Also, there is a 100% chance of snow tomorrow because our show has landed on the only two snow days of the winter. 3rd times the charm.

Sh-t!!!

Today it was announced that Wimbledon (not the movie with Kirsten Dunst, the tennis tournament featuring jacked black women from Compton) will be paying their women competitors as much as their male counterparts. I, for one, am not ready. Do these women pay for dinners? Do they have paternity suits left and right? Probably not. Sure, women’s tennis is a bigger draw than men’s these days, but can any of them beat Roger Federer? The answer is no and until they can they should make $53,000 less for winning the tournament. But this is just part of a larger conspiracy.

Harvard, in response to their past president’s comments about women having smaller brains (maybe that was Borat) or being weaker in math and science, has named its first female president. An audacious move definitely, but look at how Harvard eased into this:

1) The woman’s name is Drew. Her first name. That is a man’s name.

2) She looks like Janet Reno’s butch cousin.

Steps like this allow men to ease into a world where equality is demanded.

So now we must discuss the biggest change of all – a possible female President of the United States. She would be only the second president, after Abraham Lincoln, to have sex with a man (according to some book that “came out” last year). I commend her for trying to look tough and seem less feminine, but she is still a little too much woman for this to work now. So I say to everyone – be patient. One of these days there will be a woman who is man enough to be president.

And other stories from NBA All Star Weekend

I am convinced that professional sports need to get rid of All Star Games. Here is why:

1) Major League Baseball Tried to “Make it Count” by having the winner of the All Star game win home field advantage for their league in the World Series. The one problem with that is only a few players will care. The Kansas City Royal and Pittsburgh Pirate All Stars, who have never even heard of the playoffs, are not going to care who gets home field advantage. And then all it does is potentially screw over the better team in the World Series with something they may have only had little control over at best. It is sort of like having people in Ohio and Florida select who is going to elect the president for the enlightened part of the country.

2) No one watches your sport to begin with. See Major League Soccer and that other league with hockey.

3) It is hard to have an all star game when the goal of the sport is decapitation. The NFL “Pro Bowl” happens after the season so right away you know no one gives a sh-t. Also, it is hard to play football in a jovial manner making the game weird where either players look like they are trying too hard and are as-holes or they don’t try at all and they look like Condi Rice’s orthodontist.

4) The Games suck. This is where the NBA comes in. Basketball is my favorite sport and thanks to the Utah Jazz resurgence, I now have a rekindled interest in the pro game. However, the NBA all star game is atrocious. Any game where Shaq makes out with Tracy McGrady during a play is stupid. Besides, haven’t they learned their lesson from Magic Johnson playing grab ass with Isiah Thomas all those years back? And the fact that it took place in Las Vegas even heightened its worthlessness (although I’m sure there was plenty of off the court fun).

Sidenote: If you are a tall and athletic man and were in Las Vegas this weekend you probably hooked up with a woman who is your superior in looks (albeit there is a good chance that said looks were artificial). This is because she probably thought you were an NBA All Star or player (I have friends who can attest to the lack of the common woman’s knowledge of the NBA, but not their lack of awe of it – like those dollar signs flashing in the eyes of a Looney Tunes cartoon). If she had taken the time to do the math she might have realized that there are not thousands of NBA players, but she probably realized it when you got on to your Southwest flight the next morning.

Back to the All Star Game: The games almost always turn into blow outs because by the time both teams pretend to care, one team is up 30.

What’s more the skills competitions suck. The dunk contest used to be littered with stars. Now it is more like an obscure freak show. And the 3 point contest is the official competition for NBA losers. Steve Kerr, Craig Hodges, Tim Legler, Jason Kapono. Who the f–k are these guys?

So instead I spent the night of the all star game watching Little Miss Sunshine. It is about a family going to a meaningless competition in the middle of the desert with a bunch of girls who are dressed like sluts and are acting far older than they are.

A date is not just a date when Hallmark is involved

So yesterday, thanks to the snow and my inconvenient job I was running late to dinner. Normally this is not a problem. You just call and say, “I can’t catch a cab because of the weather or because someone told the cabbie that I am half black. Either way I will be a little late.”

But something happens when Hallmark Cards wants to make a lot of money. A date becomes more than just a date. It is the one date day where par for the course is the best you can do. It’s supposed to be perfect and nice, etc. Any slip up and you are ruining Valentine’s Day. Instead of every kiss beginning with shots of tequila, it must begin with “K(ay).” Instead of flowers arriving on time and being the fault of the underpaid immigrant laborer who has never seen snow, it is the result of poor planning and lack of caring. Aside from New Year’s, Valentines Day is consistently my worst holiday. Followed shortly thereafter by Flag Day.

Well last night after arriving late I was determined to make it a good one. Then I got a phone call.

Me: Oh God, it’s my house. What do they want?

House (voiced by Mom): Did you lose your wallet?

Me (patting my blazer): It would appear so. That’s funny because I just paid for a cab outside the restaurant.

House: Some woman named Tess just called me and said she had your wallet. She found it in the street and is sitting in the restaurant. Here’s her number.

Me: Thanks. I’ll call her.

House (thoughts only): My son is a fu-king moron.

So I call Tess and she in fact is in the restaurant with my wallet. She returns it and I have our waitress buy her and her husband two drinks. I should have specified that they were to only get soft drinks or tap water.

So a disaster was averted for the second time in a week (my lost coat and my lost wallet).

What made the story even more bizarre and potentially would have had me washing dishes all night was the fact that my Valentine had lost her wallet earlier that day (also recovered but not in her possession).

At the moment I realized that I could hear my Mom saying to herself: Sounds like a match made in As-hole Heaven.

Which is exactly what she said to me 15 minutes ago on the phone.

Jack Frost is a Di-k

Well, after months of wrangling me and my three comedy friends are prepared to start our new twice-a-month show, “Comedy Without Reservations.” We’ve got the equipment (stage will arrive for our second show), the comedians and the venue. Everything seems perfect. Too perfect.

Apparently we are going to get hit with lots of snow, rain, urine and anything else liquid any minute now in New York City. The warmest winter since the Big Bang and we have to launch our show when God’s dandruff starts up (that’s what I thought snow could be when I was young, i.e. three weeks ago).

Show kicks off at 8 pm and should be over at 8:20 since we will probably not have to pause for applause breaks (applause breaks only occur when you have fans that are applauding). Expect a full report tomorrow (but no pictures since we all left our cameras at our respective homes).

Potential new names for our show:

Comedy Without Audience

Snowball’s Chance in Hell

Global Warming My Ass Comedy

Jack Bauer must stop torturing people

The last two days were some of the most fun I have had at work. The main reason: I was not at work. I got to go to the Public Interest Law Fair at NYU law school. So for two days I got to talk to law students about where I work and the summer internship program at my office, which I actually participated in – the last summer before I discovered stand up comedy.

Now I thought I like talking and I guess I do. But talking for 8 hours a day, repeating the same stuff (and rotating the same 10 jokes) about 25 times a day is like a scared straight program for people who like to talk. “I swear I am done with all this talking sh-t!”

But the best thing about it was seeing students who, even if they are faking or acting exceptionally nice because they think I can help them get a job, still believe in their own potential. Work tends to crush that hope mercilessly so it was refreshing to get out of the office and see men and women who still have hope and dreams.

That said I took someone’s coat by accident after the fair and learned 3 hours later when I saw an Ipod in the pocket and then looked further and saw that it was not my coat. So now I have done a 180. I have had my Ipod stolen and now I have stolen an Ipod. I tried to do some detective work and saw that there was St John’s law school stationary (clue #1). Then I said to myself – oh, whose name is this registered to. Well, unfortunately the person opted for a nickname, “Dolemite Q.” Good plan – maybe I should register my Ipod “Shaft,” so if I lose it, it can be returned to Sam Jackson or Richard Roundtree.

Hopefully this gets resolved (and I get my own coat back), but then I woke up this morning, opened the Daily News and learned that there are much more pressing issues at hand.

The United States Military has figured out what is hurting our wars in Iraq and on Terror: Jack Bauer’s stand on torture.

This season on 24 (which is about as farfetched as can be) Jack Bauer’s has decided to torture everyone from terrorists to his own brother to the guy at the McDonald’s drive thru that fu-ked up his order. “I ORDERED TWO APPLE PIES. NOW TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!”

Can people in the military be serious? 24 is art imitating life, not the other way around. Torture makes sense for the show because we have tortured lots of people trying to figure out where all the oil wells are. If anyone in Iraq is becoming a terrorist or joining a death squad as a stand against Jack Bauer then they would probably join up at some point regardless of what plot twists occur on 24.

I will still watch 24 this Monday and then vent my anger at imaginary torture on Tuesday at the launch of my new midtown comedy show. Check here for details and please come out and support. Even if you need to torture someone to get there.

http://www.myspace.com/zeroreservations

Obviously my fraternity brothers were in town

So this weekend I did some things I don’t normally do. I went to see a movie about the hip 1960s art scene in NY called Factory Girl. I always hate seeing movies in which there are no characters I would ever want to hear or hear about. This movie seemed to have 50 such characters.

Saturday night was NYC Ballet at Lincoln Center. There are some things I thought about the ballet:

1) To be in the NYC ballet is a life long dream for a lot of these hardworking talented people. But that means when they are asked what they do for a living they say, “Oh, I’m a ballerina.” If someone ever said that to me I would ask them, “What are you 8 years old? Is your sister a fairy princess?” It just sounds like an unreal profession. Like a guy who goes around the country telling jokes for a living.

2) I find male ballerinas (ballerinos) to be the most feminine men of all time. I was asked, what about male figure skaters? Well, male figure skaters can have bursts of speed where they can expend their ounces of testosterone. Ballerinos have no such outlet. Even when they jump up they must twiddle their toes as they jump.

3) The Ballet should be sponsored by Clorox because there is no place whiter on Earth. Even Klan meetings usually have at least one black person present.

4) I remembered that I wrote a 22 page typed paper in 6th grade on the history and development of Lincoln Center. I got an A+ on the first draft and did not need to write a final draft. Maybe I will donate it to Lincoln Center.

Now I am busy trying to write an outline for an episode of Everybody Hates Chris for my screenwriting class. It’s hard when you are busy catching up on the fashion world and being snooty at the NYC Ballet.

San Fran Mayor Confesses to… heterosexual affair!

What happened to the days when elected officials, like ex-NJ Governor Jim McGreevy, made announcements of infidelity that were shocking?

Side note – McGreevy filed for divorce today. He cited “irreconcilable differences and my love of man meat” as reasons for the divorce.

Well, I read in the paper today that the mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsome, has confessed to having an affair with the wife of a campaign aide. To be fair, Newsome is young, handsome and powerful, but is that really an appropriate thank you for a successful election campaign:

1) Thanks for the election, now if I could only do something about this erection. Is your wife doing anything?

2) You ever see Braveheart? Well as the mayor I am exercising prima noctae.

3) I am so glad you worked so hard on my campaign. Without you working so hard your wife and I would have never been able to spend time together.

But the real story is how angry San Fransicoans are about the fact. Celebration marches were planned for Mayor to announce that he is a Gay American a la McGreevy, so you can imagine the disappointment when he declared that he slept with an aide’s wife or as they heard, “Sorry, I am just another straight male douchebag.” You mean – no truck stop encounters? What the hell is this – amateur hour?

Some don’t think that this can hurt his re-election because his approval numbers are so high. Let’s just hope he doesn’t wear white after Labor Day.

Which one is the most articulate black man?

3 stories that disturbed me in order.

1) Last night I learned that Carlos Boozer of the Utah Jazz will be missing 4-6 weeks with a knee injury. Horrible news for my favorite sports team. Boozer has been the biggest reason why the Jazz have been playing well this year. But the rest of the Jazz helped turn my frown upside down with an upset of the San Antonio Spurs last night. I only include this because as the lone Jazz fan outside of Utah I am obligated to give them some coverage from time to time.

2) Cover of the Daily news this morning – Puff Daddy as a proud new parent of twin girls. The picture was some cute family portrait with him, his girlfriend (aka the woman who has given birth to the largest percentage of his children) and their twin girls. P Diddy says that “having girls changes a man.” He’s right – let’s see how it has changed him:

a) He was at Scores West last week with 2 females and the three of them asked 2 naked med students to join them in a VIP room. Probably asking advice on how to parent girls to make sure they don’t end up in a strip club 20 years from now with a wannabe rapper with an over inflated sense of importance.

b) He has been running around with Sienna Miller, the former almost Ms. Jude Law over the last few weeks. Probably asking her for nanny advice for his new girls.

c) Puffy Combs sucks and his daughters should have to grow up to be rap video hoes as punishment.

3) Then we get to Joe Biden and his comment about Barack Obama.

11 years ago Chris Rock did a special on HBO called Bring the Pain (my favorite stand up special of all time) where he said white people would never vote for Colin Powell because they always gave him the same compliments on the fact that “he’s so well spoken!” Well, it looks like Joe Biden has made a mistake along those lines. There are three ways to look at his comments:

a) He meant how amazing (AND RARE) it is to have a good looking and articulate black man. And he’s running for office to boot. – The Chris Rock approach

b) He meant that he presents the most viable black candidate in history because of his looks, credentials and his oratorical ability.

c) That ni–er sure can talk good.

I believe #2 is what Biden meant. Let’s face it – the two most prominent national black political figures of the last 20 years (at least as presidential politics are concerned) were Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Both men were nothing to write home about visually and both, although fiery orators with lots to say, represented the passion associated as much with Church sermons as political rallies. Obama presents a more classic orator as far as presidential politics is concerned and he is better looking than the other two.

Sidenote – please do not tell me that I am leaving out Alan Keyes from the discussion of prominent black men running for the presidency. He is crazy.

So I do not think that Biden is incorrect because I really feel that he was speaking of Obama from an electability standpoint and not from the perspective of the Chris Rock joke. However – he could have phrased it differently and should have because “well spoken” and “articulate” are truly loaded words in this day and age and should not be the first things you have to mention about a man with a Harvard Law degree.