Blog

Some lists for the week.

The Good

1. American Idol – A few weeks ago when they announced the Top 36 contestants I picked my Top 5. All 5 of my picks are in the Top 13.  https://jlcauvin.com/?p=622 So I guess I am actually on my list of good.  This show is good.  I constantly hate myself for feeling this way, but it is.
2. March Comedy Madness at Caroline’s – 2 years ago I made the Sweet 16.  Last year I made the Elite 8.  After going through a broken up engagement and gaining a sick Obama impression I have done the equivalent of comedy performance enhancing drugs to try and win the thing.  1st round this Wednesday – check the calendar for info.  Note: this could be bumped to the bad list immediately upon me getting bounced from the tournament.
3. HBO Sunday nights.  – Eastbound and Down is an absolutely great comedy. Flight of the Conchords has been hit and miss, but the last two episodes have been amazing.  And Big Love – a show whose first two seasons I watched on demand simply because there was nothing on television  last summer – is off the charts great this season.
4. My Best Friend’s Girl – I ordered this movie on demand, making it the first time I had paid for anything featuring Dane Cook since a 2004 performance at Caroline’s.  It started out shaky, but I really enjoyed the movie.  Perhaps it was because my expectations were lower than Paul Blart: Mall Cop ( and even given those expectations, quite possibly the worst movie ever made), but if this had been his first movie instead of his 6th or 7th his film career might have a different trajectory. 
5. The Utah Jazz – 11 wins in a row.  My favorite thing on Earth other than my own jokes is the Utah Jazz.

The Bad

1. Rihanna and Chris Brown – I have harped on them enough, but this couple – the young black version of Michael and Kay Corleone in Godfather II – should both have their careers go up in flames.
2. The Heartland Institute – their Conference on Climate Change in NYC over the next few days is and effort to show that global warming is either hoax or greatly exaggerated.  I wish there was a way to ensure that only them and like minded skeptics/non-believers of fact would die in the event of environmental catastrophe.  http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/09/science/earth/09climate.html?_r=1&ref=us
3. 24 – The President is being held hostage.  Even for a far fetched show – this season sucks.  The only thing good related to this show will be my forthcoming spoof.

Watchmen

I saw this movie this weekend.  It was ok if you like movies. It was great if you like neon blue penis shots.

I can no longer compare Michelle Obama to Ray Lewis.

Tuesday March 3, 2009 @ Open Mic I said:

“Jeez, Michelle Obama is a big, well built woman.  She’s built like Ray Lewis, but with smaller breasts.  I’m not saying she’s too big, but Tyler Perry is rumored to be playing her in an upcoming biopic.”

Wednesday March 4, 2009 @ Caroline’s Nick DiPaolo said:

“Michelle Obama’s a muscular woman – she’s built like Ray Lewis.”

I admit my joke is a little crude or disrespectful, but there’s no denying that it is funny – I think it is one of my best.  And now I must retire the first portion of the joke. Last night I went to Caroline’s to see Nick DiPaolo, one of my favorite comics, even though I agree with about 10% of his politics because he brings a fu-k you attitude to his comedy that is brutally honest versus about what you see from people and comics day-to-day, which can be brutally fake.

So last night I was sitting in the front of the crowd and I heard DiPaolo say, “Barack’s fine, but what about Michelle?”  And it was at this point that I knew he would talk abut her size.  It was like a 6th sense, but as soon as he said “she’s a muscular woman,” I had this terrifying thought that he would compare her to Ray Lewis.  And he did!  Now, because of this unfortunate coincidence I can no longer tell the non-Tyler Perry part of the joke. When a more famous comedian makes a joke (my first experience of this was when a joke I had about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s family reunion where everyone refers to each other as a Negger – in Arnold’s accent – and 4 months later Dave Chappelle aired the “Niggar Family” sketch, thus making my joke look like a copycat) you have to give it up.  Or face the prospect of being called a joke stealer.  The lawyer in me has compelled me to right this so there is a paper/electronic trail in case I decided to keep the full joke and get called on it.  But I will probably ditch it.

And for those who think the Ray Lewis comparison is too coincidental it makes perfect sense.  Ray Lewis is the most feared linebacker in the NFL, thus putting him up as the best choice to make a humorous comparison, without being some sort of dated/hacky Hulk Hogan/Mr T reference.

I guess the only solution is to get famous fast so I can keep my jokes.

First Rihanna, then an anti-“Gentile” heckler.

This weekend I learned of a few widespread rumors concerning Rihanna and Chris Brown.  Apparently love has a lot to do with it for the 21st century’s Ike and Tina.  Or at least daddy issues.  Rihanna is said to be taking Chris Brown back, which sends an awful message to young women in abusive relationships.  After sitting in the complaint room of the Bronx District Attorney’s Office for 3 1/2 years telling abused women that they should leave their abusive boyfriends or husbands it will be a tougher sell to to get Maria to leave Jorge if Rihanna won’t leave Chris.  Furthermore, as if trying to undo the symbolic value of Barack Obama in a one-two punch, Rihanna is also rumored to be preggers with Chris Brown’s spawn.  So I guess Rihanna is getting kicked inside and out.  I assume either Pharell or Timbaland is mixing a beat for Chris Brown’s newest single “Forgive Me” or some ridiculous song like that.  We have forgiven men peeing on women (R Kelly), men hitting women (Tommy Lee) and men swallowing women whole (Macy Gray) so I see no reason that with the right PR campaign, the right beat and the right stupid American public why Chris Brown can’t make a comeback.

Well, last night I wanted to make a few current event jokes (hoping certain Jews lost money with Madoff, Chris Brown/Rihanna jokes, talking about Obama shattering MC Hammer’s record for most money spent by a black man in one day), but I was interrupted by a heckler at the Goldhawk before I could start a joke.  I have a sort of repressed temper that used to be really bad.  Last night it almost came out, but instead this heckler simply ruined the end of what was a ridiculously great show.  Here’s a recap:

• Jim Dodge led off the show brilliantly.  We have our 3rd big crowd in a row – woo-hoo.
• Pat Breslin steps up and talked about his new engagement – laughs ensue, everybody happy.
• Jess Burkle, who may be one of the quickest, sharpest comics I’ve ever seen on any level absolutely destroyed the room.
• Mark Normand – with the toughest job of the night is equal to the challenge and killed.
• Helen Hong goes up and this is where I start to smell trouble.  Retarded drunk guy comes in and is speaking a little loudly and trying to inject himself into Helen’s routine, but she dealt with him quickly and powered through her routine maintaining the great energy of the room while he sort of stayed quiet.  But like a bad plot of 24 he was just the opening plot line that ends around episode 15 to be usurped by an even worse plot.  Helen Hong’s set ends, enter the The Heckling Jewish Guy (HJG)
• Jim brings me up to my Craig Ferguson credit:

HJG: Ferguson sucks

J-L: Alright – thanks man.  Any Jewish people here pissed about Madoff(about to go into a Madoff joke)?

HJG: I’m Jewish – right here. Fu-king gentiles are mad because they lost all their money with Madoff.

J-L: OK buddy, let’s be serious.  (scowling at him so that his entire party is telling him to be quiet and apologize for him – mood lost for the show which was one of our best ever)

HJG: Yes, let’s be serious.

J-L (wanting to plant the base of the mic stand through his skull and give him the worst beating a Jew has seen since Jesus): Jim, can we get some staff in here please (sitting meditating, forehead vein pulsing)?

HJG: (leaving with friends): I’m Jewish, Fu-k you gentile (these were the words I heard, perhaps in different order).

I do not deal well with hecklers, especially drunk and stupid ones – they are sort of like the Terminator – “they can’t be bargained with. they can’t be reasoned with.  they won’t stop ever, until the show is dead.”  My response is all or nothing.  Either I let it pass with no response or I really ruin the show by saying something like “SHUT YOUR FU-KING MOUT MOTHERFU-KER!”  I have found the passive route more likely to give me an aneurysm, but maintains a better show.  

I should have probably left the stage and yelled at Pat and Jim – “keep him here!” and then come back while Jim and Pat are having drinks with him and gone Goodfellas on him.  There’s always next show.

I am about to engage in a round of calls to about 50 clubs around the country that I sent dvds, headshots, etc.  I have also done a round of deliveries to comedy clubs in NYC.  So far I have a guest spot (think immigrant labor, but much, much cheaper) at one club to show for it.  Most likely a majority of these well put-together packets are sitting at the bottom of a desk or garbage can.  I know this does not make me any different from a lot of comics.  But sitting here and observing Joe The Plumber on television makes me wonder if comedy is the only way not to get success.  After 6 years in this game I have come to a few possible movie-based (of course) solutions:

• A lot more comedians are going to have to start embarrassing themselves (think Michael Richards) or die (think George Carlin) for me to move up the ranks any faster.
• I think there is a 50/50 chance I may go D-Jay style on a club owner if I actually see my packet in a garbage can or on the floor somewhere (from the movie Hustle and Flow – where Terrance Howard sees that Ludacris’ character has thrown his demo in the toilet and goes Travis the Chimp on him – this would be a racist if I were a NY Post blogger, but I am just making a joke about Travis here).  Sidenote – contact comedian Amy Carlson for the best chimp joke that I’ve heard.
• Something like Airheads (Brendan Fraser, Adam Sandler) where me and a few friends take over a comedy club until they pass us and pay us the $25 we so richly deserve.
• Or find a Godfather who can help me out like Don Corleone helped out Johnny Fontaine.  Right now the one I have is a Haitian man in his early 70s.  Not really a power connection in the entertainment industry.

Not only because it is the best film of the options I presented, but I feel like the last option may be the most effective.  If only because I would love to hear a 7 foot goon (he would have to be bigger than me) saying to a comedy club owner: “Either J-L’s name or your brains will be on the lineup tonight.” 

And it would be equally enjoyable to hear a comedy club owner say, “J-L Cauvin would be perfect for this club.  It would make him a big star.  And if I can be frank with you we had a girl we worked with for three years – acting lessons, improv lessons, comedy lessons.  And along came J-L Cauvin with his buzzed hair and his guiney-looking charm and she threw it all away to make me look ridiculous.  And a man owning a club where jokes are told every night cannot stand to be made to look ridiculous.  And to be even more frank, she was young, she was funny, she was innocent and just to show you that I am a hard-hearted man that it’s not all talent and punchlines, she brought more people to bringers than anyone else and I’ve had bringers all over the world.  Now you get the hell out of here!”

And then the next morning Carrot Top’s head is in the bed of the club owner. AAAAAGGGGGGHHHH

Ok – time to start making these phone calls.  J-L Cauvin insists on hearing bad news right away.

Well today is Ash Wednesday so it’s time to give something up and dust off my Lent joke.  The question is what to give up?

My first thought was movies.  This would be a a nice sacrifice, given how many movies I watch.  But hanging on my bulletin board is a ticket to Watchmen on March 6th, smack dab in the middle of Lent.  So movies are out.  And so, apparently, is giving up being a loser.

Other things like sex, drugs and kiddie porn can’t really count because they are things you are not supposed to be doing anyway (a real flaw with the Josh Hartnett vehicle 40 days and 40 nights).

Comedy was actually something I thought about – it would give me time to pursue other activities, perhaps do some chartiable work or travel.  But then i realized that comedy seems to have given up on me, so me giving up comedy would be like saying you are going to break up with a girl 4 years after she already dumped you.

Sweets and desserts are too cliche. 

Television – my HD DVR would overflow very quickly because of how much memory HD American Idol and HD The Big Bang Theory take up.

So I was left with a rather mild choice – alcohol.  No drinks until some Sacramental wine at Easter.  Cue me looking like Frank the Tank getting wine – “It’s so good when it touches your lips – FILL IT UP AGAIN!”  And fortunately the 30th birthday is after Easter.

The lesson over the last several months has been if you want help or people to care about you  just need to fu-k up more.  Fu-king up a little will just get you condemned or criticized, but be either famous or screw up big enough to become famous and you will get all the attention you could desire.  I think it was Donald Trump who said (paraphrasing), “If you owe the bank a million dollars they own you.  If you owe the bank a billion dollars you own the bank.” 

My first example of this is not so funny.  Rihanna’s abuse at the hands and teeth of Chris Brown.  Because Rihanna is famous and has lots of popular songs all of a sudden people are upset about relationship abuse, etc.  But after 3 1/2 years at the DA’s office in the Bronx and having dated someone years ago who dealt with teen victims of domestic abuse, this problem has been going on for a long time and a lot worse than what happened to Rihanna.  Not to minimize what happened to Rihanna, but there are plenty of young women in need of help that aren’t on television.  Sadly, these women and girls are unlikely to get record deals so I guess they are just going to have to keep getting punched and bitten.  The best thing RIhanna can and MUST do is to press charges against Chris Brown.  I have seen so many women come into the DA’s office only to decline to press charges because the guy “just lost his temper” or “he is not usually like that” or “he is the father of my kids.”  Well, Rihanna can send a great message to all those women that if Chris Brown, the Disney Channel’s version of Ike Turner can’t get away with it then Average Joe Abuser should not be let off the hook.  If she fails to follow through ten perhaps Chris Brown needs to knock some sense into her until she sends his ass to jail.

The next example is of course the bailout for all these banks.  Per The Donald’s advice – if you are going to lose your money, lose really big.  If you are going to fu-k the American people, use an extra big strap on and the government will have to bail you out. 

My third example is about that Mom with 14 kids – I refuse to learn her name.  Her lesson is if single Moms want more help… just keep having more kids.  Once again my experience in the Bronx is instructive.  If you have 4 or 5 or 6 kids from multiple men you will be derided by many civil servants as a “welfare queen” or “stupid” or “pathetic.”  Since many people are too insensitive or impatient to analyze the root causes of these women’s lifestyles or predicaments, my quick fix advice to these women is simple: have a lot more kids.  When you give birth to absurd amounts of kids you can get a reality show (there is some show on television about some family with like 15 kids or something like that) or you can be this nutjob with the 14 kids who has gotten numerous charitable offers (and some insults as well). 

Unfortunately if you want to be a famous comedian, writing and performing more jokes does not seem to work.  The exception that proves the rule I guess.

It is no secret that I love movies.  I actually saw Fired Up this weekend because I love the movies and movie-going experience so much.  And America does too.  How else can you explain Friday the 13th pulling in $48 million in its opening weekend, or even more inexplicably, Madea Goes To Jail, grossing $41.1 million this weekend (kudos to Tyler Perry though – if I had his marketing skills I’d be much bigger in comedy than I am).

And I have always loved the Oscars.  Not for the glitz, but just because it was another night of movies and movie clips, etc.  But last night’s awards show exemplified every thing that people who hate the Oscars have told me in the past.

First off I did not mind High Jackman as host at all, except for the annoying routine headlined by him, Beyonce and those future rehab cases from High School Musical.

Oh wait – maybe I should start with the Barbara Walters special – holy sh*t do the Jonas Brothers suck!  I mean I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, but they really suck, even by the minimalist standards of pop music.

Back to the Oscars.  Here are some of the awful highlights:

My biggest issue with the Oscars (besides just two wins for The Dark Knight) was Sean Penn’s win over Mickey Rourke.  I thought Milk was the best movie nominated and that Sean Penn deserved the nomination, but Rourke’s performance (and The Wrestler as a film) was so personal and moving that he was absolutely the clear choice.  Clearly Hollywood, in the glow of Obama’s victory felt like, hey it’s been a while since we had a political acceptance speech.  I think we’re ready again.  Cue Sean Penn, who always looks like he is in pain, probably because he is so tortured and such an involved actor.  But if anybody saw Robin Wright Penn last night – what could possibly be painful for Sean?

Someone told me this and now I finally agree – Sarah Jessica Parker looks like Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister. 

Slumdog Millionaire won eight awards.  I thought this was a very nice film, but 8 awards places it in the company of Amadeus and Amadeus it ain’t.  Not by any stretch.  And someone told me that the female lead of Slumdog recently left her husband.  See, chicks can be douchebags too.

Kate Winslet should not have won Best Actress.  Meryl Streep should have won, gotten on stage and said, “Sorry Kate, you can get Oscar when I’m dead bitch!”

The biggest vomit-inducing addition to the Oscars were the personal introductions by former winners.  Except for Robert DeNiro’s intro for Sean Penn, which seemed genuine because he actually knows Sean Penn well, they were all so obviously fake and just an ego booster for a group of people with already over-sized egos.  My personal highlights of these were:

• Alan Arkin calling Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Seymour Phillip Hoffman
• Kate Winslet’s incredibly bullsh*t “thank you so much/oh my God” faces for her introduction – Winslet reminds me of what DiCaprio said to Cate Blanchett in The Aviator: “Look at me Kate.  Stop acting.  Do you even know anymore?”
• Angelina Jolie’s reaction – see Kate Winslet.
• Brad Pitt’s thank you with hands clasped together, almost like prayer, and then pointing with them.  This is a signature douchebag move.

The only moments I truly enjoyed were the acceptance speech of the Milk screenwriter and Jack Black saying – I make movies with Dreamworks and then bet my entire paycheck on Pixar at the Oscars.

What an awful show.  At least Eastbound and Down did not disappoint on HBO.

I predict that The Dark Knight will not win Best Picture.

Thinking about the Oscars this year I am reminded of what Clubber Lang said in Rocky III when asked for a prediction in his fight with Rocky.  “Prediction? Paaaaaaaaain.”  Yes, I think these Oscars are going to be painful, namely because some of the best movies (The Dark Knight, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler) were all deprived of more substantive nominations. What’s worse is that The Oscars played completely into their own stereotypes.

As much as Duke University’s basketball team is a haven for annoying white guys without a prayer of success in the NBA, Hollywood has been stereotypically been branded “liberal” and “controlled by Jews” and in line with the “homosexual agenda” (whatever that is).  Faster than a black man could yell at a movie screen, the Oscars nominated Frost/Nixon – the fall of a Republican icon, Milk, a biopic about a gay politician (the best movie of the 5 nominated in my opinion), The Reader – a mediocre movie about the Holocaust, an event that is finally getting the needed attention it deserves from Hollywood, and Slumdog Millionaire – just the fact that it takes place in India will annoy blue collar Republican types.  The only movie that doesn’t fit into these categories is Benjamin Button, which unfortunately, is just not that good.

Of course the Dark Knight was about a superhero who is fighting both a Chinese businessman and a domestic terrorist using violence and wiretapping may have seemed a little too pro-Bush-Cheney, but it was better than any movie nominated.  So for Batman 3 I have some suggestions to get the deserved Oscar respect it deserves:

• Batman finds Robin and engages in a tender homosexual relationship with him.  Jake Gyllenhaalplays Robin (maintaining a connection to his sister from The Dark Knight and his brokeback co-star).
• Batman finds out that his uncle once read to an illiterate Nazi guard.  Susan Sarandon plays Nazi guard in flashbacks (can’t get more liberal Hollywood street cred than Susan Sarandon).
• Batman has to protect an ex-president from Texas who is dumb and played by Josh Brolin.  Film portrays ex-president as dumb and evil and Batman punches him at the end of the film.
• Batman stops fighting crime and has a trio of Indian men fight crime for him during the night with their alter egos as Subway sandwich shop owner, Dunkin’ Donuts worker and electrical engineer.

Don’t mistake this as some sort of conservative crusade, but this year Hollywood made their own self-indulgent Benetton ad with these selections and failed to nominate the best film of the year.  And don’t be surprised if Hugh Jackman is the host, simply so he can come out of the closet to millions worldwide.  Tom Cruise and Will Smith rumored to be co-hosting next year.

Bet the house on Slumdog Millionaire, even though Milk is the better movie.  Most interesting categories – best actress (Meryl Strep deserves it, but Kate Winslet will get the career achievement award (why did Pacino have to wait til he was 50 or so to get his career best actor, but Winslet is due at 34 or 35?)). And best actor – Sean Penn vs. Micky Rourke – should be Rourke.  Especially since Penn will have nothing to give a speech about with Obama in office.

God, I sound like a conservative douchebag right now.  Sorry about that.  I just really liked The Dark Knight (but hell I would have taken a Revolutionary Road or The Wrestler Best Picture nomination).

My iPod playlist on steroids.

I have been asked once in my life whether I was on performance enhancing substances.  It was when I put on 35 pounds  and added 45 lbs to my bench press in 3 1/2 months my junior year of college.  That was just the result of eating about 5,000 calories a day and lifting for about two hours a day with two friends who were offensive lineman on the football team.   But beyond that my life has resembled a macrocosm of a wrestler’s season.

• September 1997 – 205 lbs
• September 1998-March 2000 – 240 lbs
• May 2000 – 270 lbs (mentioned above)
• September 2000 – 248 lbs (a bench warming beast in college hoops)
• September 2001 – 240 lbs (1st yr of law school)
•  June 2002 – 260 lbs
• September 2002  – 232 lbs (body fat resembled law school, both too low)
• September 2004 (start DA’s office) – 245 lbs
• March 2006 – 284 lbs (career high – lesson: donuts are bad for you)
• July 2007 – 233 lbs (proof that stress/increase in being mindfuc-ed + exercise = loss of appetite and good abs)
• January 2008 – 265 lbs and dropping (Dominos + cupcakes + lifting + no cardio)

I am laying out this time line so that I do not have to make any A-Rod excuses for any increase in jacked-ness that occurs over the next fewmonths (even though I still will claim to be immature and amateur and stupid well into my forties).  But as I close in on the age of 30 (thank God I’m not a woman or that would be scary!) I am realizing that my ability to shed weight like a leper or a diabetic will become tougher and tougher so I think this has to be the last time I pull this sh*t.  So now what do I do to get back down with keeping in my all natural approach?  The iPod playlist has become my performance enhancer and I am going to share it with all of you now so that you can take your workouts to the next level.  And people keep telling me about The Secret (envision your future success and you will have it – a/k/a horsesh*t).  Here is what I listened to in the weight room today and my corresponding visions:

1. 8 Mile – Eminem (perfect montage for an aspiring comedian – I will go for comedy no matter what – hooray!)
2. American Idiot – Green Day (me in a lawyer suit)
3. Flashing Lights – Kanye West (“she don’t believe in shooting stars, but she believes in shoes and cars” – no, only positive thoughts, remember!)
4. Live Your Life – T.I. (yeah, you are going to make it – Jesus, I am getting Fu-king corny)
5. Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey (I have reached my destination – fully immersed in the cornfield)
6. The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning – Smashing Pumpkins (this is a cool song from the Watchmen preview – I wonder if I’ll ever be in a movie – this song sounds like the apocalypse – why did that old bit*h just steal my spot on the bench?)
7. Forever – Chris Brown (poor Rihanna, well maybe she’s a bit*h, dark place – yikes – next song)
8. Invisible – Clay Aiken (what the fu-k? how did that get in there – did that chick see Clay Aiken’s picture on my iPod?)
9. Light On – David Cook (finally an American Idol I can be proud to have in my iPod. I think.  song about leaving loved ones for life on the road.  life on the road will be lonely, but at least I will be working.  does an open mic in the west village tonight count as life on the road?)
10. Proud Mary – Tina and Ike Turner (“Left a good job in the city”  Yes I did!  Well, technically I was going to leave a good job in the city, but a few months earlier the good job in the city said, “why don’t you stop workin’ for the man every nigh and day.  we insist.”)
11. Hurt – Johnny Cash (imagining a painful second divorce later in life when my successful comedy is winding down)
12. The Wrestler – Bruce Springsteen (not going to give up the ending of the movie, but let’s just say I am seeing the end of my comedy career)

With this playlist I am pretty sure I will get back into shape and have a wonderful comedy career that eventually ends in loneliness and despair with Marisa Tomei ditching me at New York Comedy Club.  Let’s hope The Secret is as bullsh*t as I think it is.

67-15, what ever happened to the mercy rule?

I was a much better basketball player in college than I am now.  I was a much better basketball player in law school than I am now.  Hell, I was very good at basketball two years ago at the Bronx DA’s office.  But something happened in the last 6 months – legal and comedic life were impeding my ability to get to the gym.  Also, I had no hoops court to play on.  So I was stuck playing on a corporate hoops team once a week, which is not enough time to get your rhythm or timing or skill set to where it could be. So now I just flat out suck at basketball. 

Now don’t get me wrong – I still have decent sense of defense and passing and boxing out, but my stat line at the end of a game usually reads like 9 points on 4-17 shooting, 10 rebounds (I’m big and tall – that’s the only reason), 4 assists, 6 almost assists (almost assists are common in these leagues for missed layups, etc. on good passes), leaving me a point away from averaging an imaginary triple-double.

But last night, in an effort to start playing more I decided to play on my former high school teammate’s team at the 14th Street Y.  Now I knew I was going to play in this game for several hours, but that did not stop me from having an order of breadsticks and personal deep dish pizza from Dominos(unbelievable what that sh*t does to you breath and system, but the on-line order tracking is very addictive) 75 minutes before the game.  I believe in psychology this is known as self-handicapping (my halftime excuse was: “man, shouldn’t have ordered that Dominos!”).

I arrived at the game 7 minutes late and sat most of the first quarter watching our team accumulate a 15-2 deficit, or something like that.  What I noticed is that our teams had a contrast in styles.  The other team was an athletic, undisciplined group that did not play fundamental defense and cherry picked for layups and dunks.  Our team, on the other hand, was unathletic and bad at basketball.  Throughout the course of the game I made sure to run hard so that I could at least burn calories.  Also I began Obama’s stimulus plan to weatherize homes by laying up brick after brick (0-9 from the field for the game).  Our team probably had as many turnovers as missed shots so the game spiraled out of control.  But for much of the game we compounded our rust/lack of skill with unathleticism and laziness.  Always a perfect storm for any basketball team.  Final score 67-15.  Not a misprint. 

After the game I brieflyflirted with the idea of stepping in front of a bus, but decided to comfort myself with a cupcake from Buttercup.  While in the store a woman stepped on my foot and turned around shocked to find Sasquatch behind her.  She then said, “I think you are the tallest person I have ever seen.”  I gave her a smirk that was combination “really?” and “Go fu-k yourself.”  She then said (per my Ferguson appearance): “Do you play in the NBA?” I replied “The Knicks, ever heard of us (girls like famous rich guys, but a famous, rich as-hole is the jackpot)?  Yeah, we lost 67-15 tonight.  You’ll probably read about it on a blog tomorrow.”

Tonight my regular team has a game at Dalton high school where I gave the crowd the middle finger when I was in high school.  Better place my Dominos order now.