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Yesterday I was pleased to see that I have a chance at 2nd place in my pool if Michigan State can beat UConn and UNC beats Villanova.  After losing Florida St. in the first round I am glad my other 3 final four teams persevered. 

But this is about a more important Final Four.  March Comedy Madness at Caroline’s taking place tomorrow night at 9:30 pm.  When I filled out my brackets several weeks ago I had myself losing to Myq Kaplan in the Final Four.  I had it this way for a few reasons:

1. I have addvance one round further each year (which is why I plan on coming back for my senior year of comedy next year to try and win a championship if I don’t this year).  Sweet 16 in year 1, Elite 8 in year 2, Final Four in year 3.  By that iron clad logic I should lose tomorrow.
2. Myq Kaplan has already bested me in a competition.  Last year he advanced in Boston to the Finals while I was left on a 10 pm Amtrak back to NYC so I could litigate in the morning.  He has sharp and rapid fire delivery, which works especially well in competition settings.  I have more of a methodical, story telling style, which is the only true way to deliver bitterness and condescension.
3. Myq is from Boston.  I am from New York City.  He has more people coming according to his Facebook invite than me according to my Facebook invite.  If he has more people to cheer for him that will be as bad as when Al Gore lost Tennessee in 2000. 

Either way tomorrow night will be a good night of comedy so come out and enjoy.  And I will throw my endorsement behind Myq if he wins because losing to “the champ” sounds a lot better than losing to “some guy.”

The toughest part of comedy is not in telling or writing jokes, at least for me.  The toughest part I have is with the marketing/self-promotion/getting actual money for doing comedy.  For example I am in the finals of a competition at Caroline’s where if I win I get a paid weekend opening for someone.  If I finished second, third or fourth I get to go home and take out my unpaid frustration in a game of Wii Tennis.

I have also received my fair share of guest spots, which translated into layman’s terms is, “You are pretty funny, but we have no real incentive to pay you and you cannot afford to refuse an unpaid spot because you secretly believe that you will be discovered, or at least appreciated by management and/or talent scouts, who are unlikely to be watching you.”  And that is true.

So the way to make money for an up and coming comic like myself is to take the show on the road.  Unfortunately this is proving rather difficult.  Here have been some of my favorite responses that I have received personally or through someone acting on my behalf:

“Please stop with the e-mails.  We will contact YOU if we are interested.” – this was sent after an obnoxious series of two e-mails sent a week apart (one with clips and one following up a week later – how rude of me).

“What do you bring to our club and how will you increase business?”- hopefully jokes

“He should just buy a car and travel the country for two years stopping by clubs.  Is he Jewish?  No, then he’s fu-ked.  He will probably have to get used to sucking men’s di-ks.” – yes this is an actual conversation that took place (mostly tongue-in-cheek, as opposed to cock-in-cheek),  apparently Hollywood casting agents have now re-located to help run comedy clubs in the Midwest.

The best part is that two of these quotes came from what are known as “B clubs” meaning not the city’s primary venue for stand up comedy.  That is not a knock on these places, but goes to show that some of these clubs seem to have a Napoleonic complex.  And it introduces a Catch 22.  I would love to tell clubs that cannot act or respond with some decency or respect to go fu-k themselves or threaten some sort of No Country For Old Men-style cross country trip, but they do have the power and they hold the keys to what I want – a chance to tell lots of people my jokes and to get paid for it.

I’d like to think that if I ever attained star status or mega star status that I would vilify the reputations of these clubs or simply buy them and bulldoze them, a la the trailer home of Jenny at the end of Forrest Gump, but that probably won’t happen for two reasons.  I will be too busy counting Benjamins and the clubs will be too busy kissing my ass (hence the Catch 22 – I lash out now I never attain success.  I attain success – reason for lashing out abates).  But as someone who was able to maintain a healthy grudge against their high school basketball coach for over a decade (not to mention how long I will get material out of more recent slights) I think my friends can attest that if anyone can hold on to that morbid fantasy in spite of success it is me.

But in the meantime anyone know where I can get some cheap knee pads?

And so is Paris Hilton – what is wrong with this picture?

I am finishing up a biography on Albert Einstein and have learned a few things.  One is that Einstein was a pretty shi*ty father.  He also revolutionized the way the physical world was viewed in science.  Third, he was a bona fide celebrity.  For all the ways we as a society have progressed the celebrity culture is definitely one way where we are definitely regressing. 

Even 30 years ago the names Woodward and Bernstein became famous because of their exposure of the Watergate scandal.  Now I don’t even remember the name of the New York Times’ journalist who won a Pulitzer for exposing the Bush wiretapping program – and I played basketball with the guy a few months ago.  But whether I like it or not I can tell you who Omarosa is.  Newspapers are dying and reality television is thriving. 

But the case of Einstein was particularly interesting to me.  A man who deserved legitimate fame for a theory that turned scientific law on its head and won a Nobel Prize became a household name.   What would Einstein be today? My guess last night at an open mic was maybe he’d be the boring Tuesday guest on The Daily Show.  “Next we have the author of The General Theory of Relativity – Albert Einstein.” ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (I guess to Jon Stewart’s credit – even though I find him increasingly and unbearably smug – is that he does have authors of different disciplines on his show, including scientists).

Instead we make any as-hole with a foul mouth or enlarged breasts a celebrity.  I think part of this stems from our culture, that George Carlin certainly ripped apart, where little kids for the last 20 years have been told that they are special and unique and great.  Now those coddled and delusional idiots have grown up  and in the back of their minds it’s cool to see the average as-hole become a celebrity because, unlike Einstein, they could see themselves doing the same.   Studying physics?  No thanks.  Blowing a washed up celebrity on a tour bus – now that is something everyone can do?  Blogs, YouTube and its ilk represent  challenge to traditional authority and media run amok and the backlash is that our newspapers and our values are quickly transitioning from absolute to relative to obsolete.   Our celebrities no longer have talent or objective value, our news sources are increasingly delivered in glib, opinion-soaked soundbites.  And like the frog that boils to death as temperature is increased gradually we are just accepting this.

So as a glib, opinionated comic seeking fame for telling jokes let me leave you with this piece of wisdom.  Someone not too long ago told me that my reading of the morning newspaper (in print form) and my interest in the news and more specifically, politics, was merely a product of having been raised like that (somehow this was meant to be a challenge to the objective importance of being well informed).  Well, that is how I was raised and hopefully there are still people out there that will raise their kids that way or else in ten years you may be coming to this website for both your celebrity and news fix.

As I sit here Sunday evening seeing all hopes for winning my March Madness pools go poof with Marquette’s loss (I feel bad for that guy Hayward) I am forced to reflect on all that I have seen during this weekend of hoops overdosing.

Tattoos

What the fu-k is with all the tattoos?  These college kids are covered in tattoos. Why?  I have often flirted with the idea of a tattoo, but then realizing that I was being rash and stupid re-considered since I would not be able to be buried in a Jewish cemetery if I had one.  But seriously, why are these 19 and 20 year olds covered with tattoos?  I used to think that only bikers and lesbians had the right combination of toughness and self-loathing to mutilate their bodies, but finding a basketball player without a tattoo now is like trying to find a Tyler Perry movie without black people.  I am always amazed by so many people of my generation who will tell me that people who get married in their early 20s are too young (or as my more cynical, all-knowing city friends say, “stupid”) to know that they can deal with that commitment, but see nothing wrong with an 18 year old, obviously at the most impulsive stage of life,  covering everything but his scrotum in ink.  I know it’s not the same thing, but it sure is ironic.

Obama

Stop going on television.  I like you, but I am really seeing you too much on television.  Since you are the first celebrity president you should take a lesson from celebrities and not risk overexposure.  When you are in the spotlight too much you will make a mistake, like insulting Special Olympians or blaming wars on Jews.

Fast and Furious

Only Hollywood could take 4 things that don’t work (Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster) and mash them up and have a hit on their hands.  There is no doubt this movie will make a jillion dollars because people are stupid.  Even I won’t see Fast and Furious, which I assume is a description of how audience members with fully functioning brains will leave the theater.  Could any other industry get away with this?  If GM, Ford and Chrysler got together to make a car would it become a big seller or just be considered a really big piece of sh*t?

Commercials

The best commercial I saw all weekend (repeatedly) was the Jumpman commercial featuring the disgruntled father remembering his daughter’s birthday (but really remembering Texas’ loss to Syracuse in 2003).  This is the best acting I have ever seen in a commercial.  Strange compliment, but he is both creepy and funny with how dismissive he is of his daughter’s birthday.

Basketball

Oh yeah – there was hoops going on as well.  Fu-k you Florida State BIG TIME.  Smaller fu-k yous to Wake Forest and Marquette.  Time for Eastbound and Down to cheer me up, but first 60 Minutes – I wonder who is on…

OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Veni, Vidi, Who Gives a Sh*t

I went to Detroit yesterday and killed (in a comedy set).  Unfortunately there were only about 50 Detroit-ers (what’s is a Detroit resident called, besides out of work – HEY O) in attendance.  It is tough competing with double-digit unemployment and St. Patrick’s Day, but the crowd was pretty good for their numbers.  And now they’ve officially seen the best Obama impression in Detroit.

After the show I did have an opportunity to witness an almost bar fight outside the club, but was just ended with a “I will kick the sh*t out of you if I see you around here again!”  I then had some Taco Bell because it was the only thing not involving a pole or crack that was open.  Once again I was amazed by the incredibly professional manner of the Midwestern fast food employee.  Seriously.  I believe the material emphasis found on the enlightened coasts makes people who work for a living at more menial jobs feel inferior and bitter, as opposed to those who do the same jobs in the middle of the country.  No scientific data here, but it happens enough to me to make me think.

I retired to my Red Roof Inn after the show, whose front desk operated behind bullet proof glass, which prompted my question – “does my door, which is close to the highway, thus facilitating an easy and quick murder/robbery for any potential felons, have bullet proof protection since I have money and valuables as well?”  Fortunately I slept without ending up like Josh Brolin in No Country For Old Men.  I got my $39.99/night money’s worth.

Tonight I get to compete in Round 2 of Comedy March Madness at Caroline’s.  Hooray

No, not San Francisco.  I’m going to Detroit.

Tomorrow I fly off to Detroit for a one night engagement at the Detroit International Comedy Festival – this is the second year they are having it, but they are not sure if they will have a third, not because the comedy is not popular, but because the city may not exist.  I have enough money in the bank to buy three averaged priced homes in Detroit and I am a severely underemployed comic.

I have already decided that I will get on stage in a black robe carrying a scythe (i.e. Grim Reaper ya dumbass), which is currently the second scariest image to the city after a free market Republican. 

I do enjoy the title of the Festival – “International Comedy Festival.”  Sort of like the way Subway declared their “$5 footlong promotion” “Famous” after about two days of commercials.  I guess it is “international” or “famous” if there is a banner saying it is.

My flight gets in about 5 hours before my show so I am tempted to go to 8 Mile and seek out a rap battle, except that I am only half-white (thus lowering my underdog status) and I went to a private school (thus eliminating any secret weapons I could drop in the finals of a rap battle).  If you have not seen 8 Mile ignore this paragraph.

I am figuring out what jokes to tell tomorrow and I am pretty sure I will spare them the sad tale of a law firm attorney who was laid off with lots of money in the bank and who is now pursuing his passion of stand up comedy.  Doesn’t really compare to “my great grandfather helped build this town, I’m 4th generation at General Motors and now my whole way of life is fu-ked.”  Compared to them, I might as well be getting a manicure and asking for a soy latte if I gripe about my employment story, which I will probably be doing, but do not need to rub it in their face.

So wish me luck and then I fly back into NYC for the 2nd Round of March Comedy Madness.  9:30 pm Wednesday at Caroline’s.

I guess women shorter than 5’7″ shouldn’t model.

Mayhem broke out yesterday at an open call audition for the CW’s show “America’s Next Top Model.”  For those of you that don’t know, the show airs on the CW, the LaToya Jackson of the networks.  There was an unusually high turnout for the show because, according to producers, it was the first season only open to women 5’7″ and shorter.  The melee that ensued I guess shows what men have known and what the show’s producers have now learned – that you don’t have to be super tall, beautiful and anorexic to be a crazy bitch; they apparently come in all looks and sizes.  And what a shock that competitive women seeking an opportunity based solely on their looks would get into a fight – you’d think women of such substantive value would be able to resolve conflict peacefully.

The audition was closed after the melee broke out (numerous reports of either a gun, a fight at the front of the line, and/or a claim that a car was on fire and about to explode).  What I got a kick out of was hearing women on television and reading other quotes in the paper that “this was my lifelong dream” or “my dream is ruined.”  If the lottery is a tax on poor people, then reality shows are public assistance for stupid women.  “Your dream?”  It is a reality show.  These things have only been around for a decade so what did you dream of before then, a spot on Cops? 

And does anyone realize that 99% of these lineups are just for short clips on the show to show how many people showed up?  If this show is anything like Last Comic Sanding or American Idol, the people with a chance at the finals are in the hundreds, not the tens of thousands that show up.  In two years in NYC, one comic got to the NY finals of Last Comic Standing without a pre-booked audition.  People who had auditions in some cases were actually asked to get on line before or after their pre-booked audition to look like they waited on line.

And the worst part of the ATM story is that the women I saw on television talking about their dream being ruined never had a chance.  One homely woman named Shiquita (like the banana, but misspelled I assume) was crying that she had come from Richmond and had almost made it in when the auditions were closed.   Perhaps it is time for Shiquita and these women to wake up from their dream, the one that they are living in where they are beautiful women, inside or out.

There were 32 matches last night, each lasting two minutes (1 min per comic) with a minute in between for crowd voting.  I was in the 23rd match-up of the night at which point most of the crowd was sleeping.  One of the things I noted during the night was that many of the 64 comics competing would cheer loudly for comics they liked, which I thought was sort of bush league.  Actually I thought it was incredibly bush league. 

Here is a recap of my set:

Look at the size of this dude!  You know who else is a big dude?  Michelle Obama

Woman in crowd yells: That’s not nice

(ignoring comment) I am not saying she is too big, but Tyler Perry is rumored to be playing her in the biopic. 

At this point I was not getting too many laughs but I noticed a lot of stone-faced black people in the front few tables.  I only had about 40 seconds left, but if I had more time I would have said:

What’s the matter?  You can call Hillary or Laura Bush names, but no one can f-ck with Michelle Obama’s supersized hips and itty bitty titties?  And don’t act like the Tyler Perry line wasn’t funny.  I am pretty sure you’ve heard of him since black people make up 175% of his audience.

(my next line) President Obama is historic though.  I voted for him and it’s very historic – he just shattered MC Hammer’s record for most money spent by a black man in one day.

(very little reaction again)

(What I wanted to say) – Really not laughing at that one?  Maybe if I said white presidents and black presidents be spending money different and sh*t!

Fortunately the Obama impression saved the day and I moved on to the 2nd Round. 

After the show I celebrated with a hamburger at Smith and Wollensky’s grill, which apparently on Wednesday night is old men and Russian prostitute night from the looks of the crowd.  And there was a guy with a mullet.  Let the Madness begin.

Tonight begins the 3rd Annual March Comedy Madness at Caroline’s.  If it were a one-on-one hoops tournament, based on the comedians in it, I would be as much the favorite as the Connecticut women’s team is in the upcoming women’s tournament (yes colleges are still letting women play basketball).  However, it is a comedy tournament where you get 1 minute in the 1st round, 2 in the second, 3 in the 3rd round, 4 in the 4th round, 7 in the 5th round and 10 in the finals.  The winner gets a paid weekend hosting at the club and an appearance on an on-line show.  The 63 losers get to bitch about clubs not passing them.

Two years ago I lost to the eventual champion Julian McCullough in the Sweet 16 and last year I lost to the girlfriend of the eventual winner in the Elite 8.  So this year I am hoping to make it to the Final Four and lose to the college roommate of the eventual winner.

Show is at 9:30 pm at Caroline’s tonight.  Critics are already calling me the Blake Griffin of the tournament (big, scary and willing to dive into the stands to win).  Stay out of the front row people.  Here is a scouting report that ESPN released about me for the tournament:

“J-L is smart, but can tend to let anger and bitterness cloud his humor, but when they mix well together he can defeat anyone in the tournament.  Right now his go to move is the Obama impression which is pretty much unstoppable in a close game.  He has steady play from jokes about the legal profession and his racial background, but if he wants to get deep into the Tournament he is going to have to be willing to take big shots at his past relationships.  His comparison of his engagement to 9/11 has yet to fail (10-0 record going into March Comedy Madness), but the day it misses it will probably miss big.  Overall, a funny guy who can win, but at the end of the day is still a loser who writes about himself in third- person sports analogies.”

It’s called “Chris Brown Beats Up The Women On  Bravo Television Shows”

If Bravo were a bar it would be a place where shallow women and shallow gay men could meet and discuss the lives of other shallow women and shallow men, both straight and gay.  Unfortunately it is a television channel that sometimes shows women with nice bodies and on my way from CNN to Comedy Central I am sometimes distracted – the same way an episode of The Bunny Ranch or Real Sex on HBO can sometimes derail me on my way to finding real programming.

Well I recently caught a few episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker, the genius show on Bravo that tries to match millionaires who are either ugly dudes with incredible arrogance/douchebagginess or decent looking dudes with no social skills with women in Los Angeles who, get this, are willing to date millionaires.  The matchmaker on the show claims to have a 99% success rate.  Why not 100%?  Matching rich dudes with shallow women is the second easiest job in the world after being Usain Bolt’s track coach (“run fast and try not to dance before the finish line”).  Bravo is actually releasing a companion show soon called Porn Star Matchmaker where I try to match female porn stars in their 20s with guys from New Jersey who are willing to date porn stars.

I also caught The Real Housewives of New York on Bravo.  I could not stomach a full episode, but here’s  synopsis:

• These women do no housework. 
• They all have children uglier than them because they married ugly rich dudes thus diluting their husband’s intelligence and drive with their shallow whoriness and diluting their looks with their husbands’ faces for radio.  What you get is a batch of mediocrity known as the bottom 50% of New York City private schools.

I admit this was only from about 30 minutes of viewing one episode, but I seriously could not watch more than that.  Perhaps I am wrong and these are real salt of the Earth people. 

My real questions is when did the bitches win?  I have had women tell me that bitches always win and nice girls finish or get taken advantage of.  Sadly, this may be true because these women hardly ever do any self reflection which might cause them to break down and realize their lives are shams.  But even if bitches do win and get their way, why are we celebrating them?  I keep seeing ads for The Bad Girls Club, which from the looks of it could literally be called cu-ts.  I know the language is a little harsh, but please correct me if I am wrong.  Rather than accepting these women as a sad part of society we are celebrating them. 

That is why I am proposing a new show for Bravo starring Chris Brown called Beat Down with Brown (other possible title is Brown Town).  The premise is simple – Chris Brown goes on dates with women from shows on Bravo (and throw in Bad Girls Club on oxygen for good measure) and then does his thing.  Does the date end in a kiss and a dance or a biting session?  Tune in to find out.   At the end of the season only one girl is left standing.  Literally.  Or in a shocking turn one of the girl/women’s fathers shows up (most of these women have to have physically or emotionally absentee fathers to be on these shows in the first place) in the season finale and beats the piss out of Chris Brown (which makes me question – does Rihanna have a brother or a father?  probably not if she’s subjecting herself to Chris Brown, who if it were my daughter or sister, would end up on the sidewalk like Carlo in the Godfather).

Hopefully Chris Brown gets word of this.  Everyone loves a comeback.