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Adventures with my nephew and a month without comedy.

I spent this last weekend with my brother and his family in Washington D.C. It was pleasant and relaxing. And it also made me feel old because at 27 I have not technically outgrown the drooling at women dressed as 9 varieties of whore on Halloween but I was content to chill at home.

In the afternoon I accompanied my nephew to the annual neighborhood Halloween parade. He was supposed to go as a train, but the costume did not suit him and he went as Tigger (which he went as last year). A few parents said to him, “Oh look it’s Tigger,” and I had to inform them that they cannot refer to him as Tigger unless they are Tigers themselves. It was uncomfortable.

On Sunday I watched Munich with my brother on his new sweet plasma surround sound set up. All I kept thinking was terrorism is so much more exiting in surround sound. And I thought boy I would love a set up like this, but I guess I would need money and success first.

Then I went home on the world’s most crowded Amtrak ever. Many people ask why I don’t take the shuttle and I say because flying is unnatural and uncomfortable both from my knees’ perspective and my Richie Valens fear perspective. And if I died in a plane crash Esai Morales would not go running up a hill screaming RICHIEEEEEEE. Probably because he does not know me and La Bamba was just a movie.

So then I arrived home and realized that November was on the horizon and I had 0 shows scheduled. 3 and a half years of comedy. Writing good jokes, working on impersonations, trying to make contacts and I have exactly the same number of shows scheduled as I did in May 2003: the month before I ever went to an open mic. To highlight this I have begun to fill out my calendar with random crap that I will be doing during the month. They will at least be blog material and photo ops.

Maybe I should just run for office. Except with Barak Obama and even more so, Harold Ford Jr., the “black guys who are articulate and visually appealing to white people and may even tempt white people to vote for them” card is all full. Even as a politician I would be hacky. The hacky half-black politician now. Oh yeah, he went to Georgetown and his Dad is black, but Obama is smarter and Harold Ford has more piercing eyes. I am the Darko Milicic of possible half black politicians. With the first pick, Illinois selects Barak Obama, Second pick NY selects J-L Cauvin? (the Knicks do draft terribly) and third, Tennessee selects Harold Ford Jr.. If you do not know about the 2003 NBA draft – go look it up.

Well expect a lot of November bloggings ‘cause there ain’t much more going on.

So I am about to donate blood at my job. I asked the Red Cross if I double sweat and tears, would I still have to give blood and they said yes.

I have never given blood just for the sake of giving it. I have asked that it be taken from me on occasion at the doctor’s office. I liked it when the doctor only told me about my cholesterol count and iron levels. Now, that I am adult male, they always want to ask me – “do you want an HIV test?” Honestly – no. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Besides for a long time in my life, the chances of me catching HIV were about as likely as a virgin becoming pregnant. All I am saying is that if I tested positive I would have probably founded a religion (my initials are JC).

Anyway, about a year ago, give or take some months because my job and life have an intense monotony that makes differentiating anything but years difficult to do, I was at the doctor’s and he asked if I wanted to test for HIV. I said – ehhh, ok. I have had this test 3 times before. 0 for 3. Much like terrorists according to George Bush, HIV only needs to get it right once. So the doctor takes my blood and tells me to call in a few days to make an appointment to come in (it is kind of like a really morbid Oscar ceremony).

So the night before I call I receive a letter in the mail. Hmmmmmm – it is my blood test results with blank spots for the HIV results. There is also a letter saying that I NEED to make an appointment to discuss my results.

Point one – doctor never said anything about a letter.

Point two – the two people you should probably not tell this news to are a) your girlfriend and b) your mother. And then your father will assume you got someone pregnant because you are speaking in hushed tones about test results.

So I went to the doctor’s office the next morning for a walk-in. I did not know if it was all in my mind, but all I felt was dread. I mean, sure AIDS for the Magic Johnsons of the world is like finding out you have diabetes, but for guys without world class trainers, doctors and millions of dollars for medicines, it seems worse. And I know that bull about it NOT being a death sentence. Well, since it takes 15 years to kill someone on death row, I guess the death penalty is not a death sentence either.

So I finally get into an office where I wait (my doctor was out that day so another doctor was to discuss my results with me). I see a stack of blood tests sitting face up. Then a nurse walks in with one sheet of blood tests right outside the examining room. And she places it face down. At this point my girlfriend at the time calls me and I say in my calmest voice – I DON’T FUCKING KNOW YET (actually I was much calmer because of the stress I had already cause, but that read funnier).

So then the doctor comes in, picks up the face down sheet as I suspected and says, “How are you.”

Why don’t you let me know – I got a letter in the mail and I think it was from the AIDS Publisher’s Clearing House. Ed McMahon walked into my house and congratulated me.

She replies, “Oh everything is fine with your tests – we are supposed to tell you about the letter. Your doctor didn’t?”

No he did not, but thanks for the good news. Phew! One of the most stressful days of my life.

So on that note I am off to give blood. There’s no reason to be stressed. Red Cross only calls you if there’s a problem. So no news is good news. Except 6 months ago they called my co-worker by accident. It took him a day or two to talk to someone and then they told him – “Oh, that was an accident.”

And my office plays horror movies during the blood drive. That’s right as I am wondering if I am the next Tommy Morrison I really want to see people cutting their limbs off in Saw. The only thing more inappropriate would be a prison movie or And the Band Played On. Although that would be funny.

Well, off to help my fellow man. Oh there will be blood.

So this weekend, starting Friday I saw 3 movies, two in the theater and one on DVD. Here is my re-cap:

Friday – The Prestige.

I enjoyed this movie and would give it a high B+. Although the end was disappointing a little bit I thought it was well acted and kept my interest for all 2 hours. I do have one major problem with the film: Hugh Jackman.

He is too jacked. 8 pack abs and ripped shoulders work for Wolverine, but they don’t make as much sense for an 1899 magician. Apparently he was using magic to conjure up Human Growth Hormone and Creatine.

Saturday – double feature.

The first movie I watched was a DVD of a critically acclaimed foreign movie, Y Tu Mama Tambien, which I believe is Spanish for “Gratutious Sex Scenes and More Cock Shots than Most Pornos.”

This film was recommended to me by a friend who is a former NYU student who took one too many film classes at Tisch. Here is the synopsis of film – (spoiler for any pretentious film students) Boys bang girlfriends like they have trains to catch. Girlfriends go to Italy. Boys are bored. Boys masturbate on diving boards. Boys meet married woman. Both boys bang married woman like they’ve got a train to catch. Boys confess that they have banged each other’s girlfriends. Friendship is fractured. Boys have threesome with married woman. Boys kiss. Friendship repaired. J-L wondering why the f–k did I put this on my list of Netflix movies.

I give the movie a C, but I am sure I “didn’t get it.”

Then came an afternoon trip with my family to see Flags of Our Fathers. I give the book an A, but the movie an A-. Guy who plays Ira Hayes will get a best supporting actor nomination. Ryan Phillipe, despite being Justin Timberlake’s twin brother is solid. And then Paul Walker managed to get into the film (I felt the same way as Chris Rock in Bring the Pain when he asks, “How did Marion barry get a ticket to the Million Man March?”). This is the second great WWII movie (Saving Private Ryan was better) that a Fast and the Furious star has weasled into. Who can forget Vin Diesel’s riveting portrayl of Caparzzo in SPR? I assume Ja Rule will be in the next WWII movie to come out.

After that exiting weekend I now sit in my office on a Sunday responding to motions. No wonder I like movies so much.

Miscellaneous Musings

“As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It’s being drawn to Iraq and it’s not being drawn to the U.S.”

— Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), quoted by Salon, likening the Iraq War to Lord of the Rings.

A friend of mine (and my future Karl Rove if I ever run for office) e-mailed me this quote. Now I love the Lord of The Rings. It is listed in my MySpace favorite movies – the authoritative site for all things superficial about me.

I do not feel like writing a long drawn out analogy to show what a closet geek I am, but I feel this should be grounds for not re-electing Rick Santorum. That and his values which are mainstream. If by mainstream you mean values cherished during the Spanish Inquisition. Other things I have reflected on during the last week:

1) I am glad the Mets did not reach the World Series. I have rooted for the Mets twice, in 1999 (Robin Ventura was nasty) and in 2001 (Piazza’s post 9/11 home run was the second best thing to happen after 9/11, besides the reelection of George W. Bush). That was enough.

2) Borat may be the best movie of the year. The more commercials I see the more I am convinced that Borat may be the greatest comedy of all time. High expectations.

3) I feel bad for people taller than me that do not play professional sports. I saw a guy get on the subway who was about 7’1″. He made me look normal, which I am not. I felt bad because as much as I get asked about my height, this guy was just getting stared at weirdly. People seemed afraid to talk to him. Like he had passed from tall human to exotic and slightly dangerous animal. Poor tall guy.

The Prestige tonight Flags of Our Fathers Saturday Preparing for a trial Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night – no episode of The Wire so I will contemplate the meaning of my life and whether it should continue for another week.

There were auditions this weekend for a new “reality” show called America’s Hottest Mom. This promises to be the next step in a line of moves degrading women.

Now I utter the occasional chauvinistic word when making a joke or a valid point, but I come from a home headed by a very strong woman and can appreciate the whole 76 cents for every dollar type arguments. But women, the problem at this point is just as much within as it is from men.

Take Flavor of Love, which provides ammo for both sexists and racists. We have 20-25 women, the majority minorities, vying for the affections of Flavor Flav, a man who resembles a large roach with developmental disabilities. This is different than The Bachelor or even Joe Millionaire because those shows picked men with either solid credentials on paper or decent looking. Flav is neither. And these women are fighting and kicking their way to him. Why? Fame and money. Where are the protests and the marches and the burning of bras?

Now for the newest show – America’s Hottest Mom. One Mom who auditioned in NY was a 35 yr old cop with 7 kids, which she started popping out at 17. I wonder if fighting crime is hard when you have to take breaks every 3 hours to give birth. My problem is with the term Mom. and MILF. This show is pretty much going to be a MILF contest (“Mother I’d Like to F–K”).

The problem is there is no set criteria for a MILF. Here is one I would like to start with – age 40. If you have kids at 16, you cannot consider yourself a MILF at 22, just because you have a 6 year old. At that age you should still be an ILF and not a M.

Furthermore, if you are married to someone famous or who makes 7 figures you should be automatically disqualified because you are contractually obligated to maintain your hotness and thus lose your amateur hot status.

Lastly if you are a good Mom and a self respecting person having Lorenzo Lamas or Simon Cowell or some other person of that ilk stare at you with a laser pointer you are in the wrong place. You are going to embarrass your kids. Like Pam Anderson’s kids, no matter how much love and affection you show them, the kids at school will never let them forget what you did on tape.

So that said, I can’t wait to see who the hottest Mom is. And after the show is done, perhaps we can repeal women’s suffrage.

My Top 2006 movies (so far)

So this weekend I saw the DEpaaaaahhhhhted, the new Scorsese movie with a bunch of A-list actors. Very good movie. It took me a while to stop being annoyed with everyone’s Boston accent. Not because they weren’t good, but because most of them were good. I cannot stand that accent.

Things I appreciated in the movie:

1) Good guys and bad guys use the N-word. Apparently Robert Parrish and Jim Rice could not change everything in Boston

2) Marky Mark’s character, when he is grilling Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, accuses him of having both a “southie accent” and a prep school accent. I went to college with approximately 100 people who could be accused of this very thing – no offense friends.

3) I like The Aviator, but it is good to see Martin Scorsese get back to gangster type films. However, he will never win an Oscar until he goes and does one last great movie with DeNiro. It would be like Malone winning a championship without Stockton or Owen Wilson doing a funny movie without Ben Stiller or Vince Vaughn. So Marty – if you want an Oscar – do a gangster film with Bobby.

During the movie the film reel burned up (20 minutes left in the movie). There was a 25 minute delay fixing it, but we all got free tickets, which I will use to see Man of the Year.

Here is my updated list of top movies of 2006:

1) United 93. I did not see this in the theater because I prefer my tragic, too-soon disaster films to have stars, which is why I saw World Trade Center in the theater. But I rented it from Netflix and this movie is tremendous. I don’t think it will get nominated, but this movie was nearly perfect.

2) The Depaaaaahhhhhhted. I enjoyed this movie a lot. Despite the accents

3) Invincible. I assume you 5 reading this have seen my praise for this movie already. This also makes Marky Mark the front runner for entertainer of the year on my blog. He is also strong in The Depaaaahhhhhhted.

4) Cars. Pixar is great.

5) ????? I cannot think of any other movies that I have seen this year worthy of consideration.

On the horizon:

1) Flags of Our Fathers. Great Book being put to the screen by director Clint Eastwood, producer Steven Spielberg and write Paul Haggis (Crash, Million Dollar Baby). Can’t miss. Ryan Phillipe as the lead character. Ryan Phillipe’s next role should be in the Justin Timberlake story.

2) The Prestige. Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman with Scarlet Johanson. Directed by Memento/Batman Begins guy. Movie about rival magicians. This will be the first time in history that magic is cool.

3) Babel. This is from the director of 21 Grams (really good movie) and Amores Perros – a foreign movie a friend of mine told me to watch, which was also pretty good. This movie could also be the break out role for that guy Brad Pitt.

4) Man of the Year – Robin Williams as comedian running for president. And he doesn’t even have a law degree from Georgetown.

I am sure there is other stuff coming out, but I feel like October movies are going to bring the Oscar stuff. Oh yeah – I am also going to see the new Forrest Whitaker movie about Idi Amin. I hate Forrest Whitaker and his droopy eye, but the reviews have been really good for his movie so we’ll see.

I will be taking some extra days off of these updates because of the Yankees performance against the Tigers.

Horrible.

THE BEST

Derek Jeter. Proving once again that Derek, Mariah and I are part of a Master race set to take over entertainment, Derek Jeter goes 5 for 5 in the first playoff game of 2006 for the NY Yankees. Unlike Derek Jeter my jokes last night went about 17 for 24, not a bad percentage for free throws, but it would have been nicer to get some more laughs. An old classic of mine (“Rocky”) got a big response.

THE WORST

In Georgia on Saturday, a man stabbed another man in the back, puncturing his lung, with a 10 inch blade. The reason? He was losing at NCAA Football on Play Station. Being that I work in law enforcement I have put my legal mind to work to find the reasons for this:

1) The victim did not stand for the National Anthem when the video game played it.

2) Stabber’s sister and wife wanted to play, but when Stabber realized that his wife and sister were the same person he became enraged.

3) Victim refused to drive Stabber to Waffle House after the game.

4) Stabber is a method actor practicing for his role as Brutus in Julius Caesar.

But after I went through these theories I realized – hey, he was losing in NCAAA Football on Play Station. Isn’t that reason enough? I am just looking forward to the release of Scarface the video game, where if you lose, Al Pacino has to kill himself. WHOO AAAHH

and other random thoughts

So tonight it is a special 2 hour Inside the Actor’s Studio with Al Pacino. Wow, they finally got Al Pacino. I cannot think of all the bad actors they have had on that show, but I was convinced that Al Pacino had to have been on it already. That was just because I thought there was no way that Martin Lawrence could beat Pacino to the show. Godfather vs. Big Momma – pretty comparable talents.

Speaking of talent I had lunch with Spike Lee on Saturday. Actually I was out with my mentee for his birthday and sitting next to us at the Blue Water Grill – Spike Lee. A few things:

1) Spike Lee looked up at me and seemed to be wondering, “I though I knew all the Knicks.”

2) His son was wearing a Troy Palamalo jersey (Steelers player). Good choice young man.

3) I had to fight everything in my being not give him a business card and say – need someone to play a racist Italian in your next movie? Or a dude who is half black, but looks Egyptian? But I have listened to Eminem’s “The way I am,” and celebrities don’t always want people to bother them when their out eating with their kid.

Not too much else going on with me – big show tomorrow night. That’s about it.

And The Wire is the best show on TV.

PART I

I am excited in a wholesome way that the Little Mermaid (deluxe 2 disc edition) will be arriving next week in my mailbox. I have been criticized, as recently as last night by comedian Pete Dominick for this purchase. Let me explain why the Little Mermaid is essential:

The Little Mermaid is the DR J. of Disney films. It ushered in the modern era (and brought us “Kiss the Girl” and Under the Sea”). Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast were the Magic and Larry and the Lion King was Michael Jordan. Now the NBA without Dr J is not the NBA. Likewise a Disney DVD collection without The Little Mermaid is not a Disney DVD collection. You may ask – why do you have a Disney DVD collection? Well, because they are good.

(Side note – the Pixar films are like the Steroid Era in baseball. Technically advanced in an unfair way, but a superior product. Cars will be in my mailbox in early November).

But TLM is also the Britney Spears of Disney movies. She made it ok for young girls in animated movies to be hot. After her it was ok to be country hot (Beauty and the Beast), Persian/Arab hot (Aladdin’s Jasmine) and beastiality hot (Simba’s chick) and gay (Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella as Timon and Pumba).

My point is that The Little Mermaid is a ground breaker and should be honored, not ridiculed. besides, it is only available for a limited time before it is locked in the Disney Vault.

MAJOR CAHNGE IN FOCUS: PART II

So what’s the deal with National Intelligence Estimates and Bob Woodward’s newest book?

I have friends who believe going into Iraq was the right thing to do. I personally believe we should have blasted the f–k out of New Zealand. I also have friends who think that the moderate Muslim world is largely against us and does not speak out against the violence (not according to the NIE which states the opposite, but I am sure my friends have good sources too, like Brit Hume (why the long face d-bag) and Bill O’Reilly, who always seek to give the whole story of George Bush’s divinity, not just half. And I have friends who think the world and America is safer because we are in Iraq. Not according to the NIE, but then again my friends point to the fact that we haven’t been attacked since 9/11. Unlike our President, terrorists believe in planning their attacks out, so I guess we are not out of the water yet. I also have friends who say you cannot reason with the majority of the people in the Middle East. That usually comes from people who are supporting the actions of an evangelical Christian president who will not let facts get in the way of his war planning (or lack thereof).

Then came Bob Woodward’s newest book. Apparently Bush and his staff did ignore specific requests to target Bin Laden early in his administration (score Bill Clinton). I’m sorry buck-toothed Condi I can’t hear you: “I believe the memo said, Bin laden determined to strike inside the United States.”

Also according to the book, apparently when American soldiers die, Bush wants to make sure that we killed more, because like a basketball game, wars are simply won by who scores more casualties. Counting Iraqi Civilians, we are kicking ass and taking absolutely no names.

According to Woodward the administration knows that violence is going to rise in 2007, but insist publicly that it is getting better.

I also like the argument that Muslim religious fundamentalists cannot be reasoned with or bargained with that my friend’s make. I admit that that is probably true. But that may also explain why some moderate Palestinians would be hesitant to discuss peace with the new tenants of their old homeland, who were given the keys to the house by Europeans based on a fundamentalist reading of a religious text. Sort of like Jennifer Connolly in House of Sand and Fog. With suicide bombing.

This is not to say that there aren’t crazies in the Middle East. President Superkallifrajolistic (I don’t think I spelled it right) in Iran is nuts. But the more lies we tell and the more we fu-k up the region the more loonies like him will look credible. Since we seem to be going back in time and enlightenment, perhaps we could re-colonize Africa on our way back from Mission Accomplished.

I wonder if any white women have disappeared recently so that Fox news can lead with something valuable and newsworthy because Lord knows, this whole NIE thing and Woodward thing are pretty insignificant.

Well, you know what a white girl is disappearing… off the store shelves! Get the Little Mermaid DVD on Tuesday October 3rd! Although if George Bush sees it he may wage war on the Atlantic Ocean to get Ursula the Sea Witch. The best part of that is that she lives in the Pacific.