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Another reason why needles in your ass are a bad thing

Well, Mark McGwire became the first casualty (if you exclude Rafael Palmero’s Viagra needing member and the English language after Jose Canseco’s literary foray “Juiced”) of the steroid era. He was the greatest slugger of his time and has what should be sure-fire Hall of Fame numbers. However, just because his arms were the size of refrigerators, his skin was more acned than a 15 year old computer geek and because Jose Canseco claims he injected him with needles in bathroom stalls, Mark McGwire is being denied the Hall of Fame. Why the double standard?

Do the porn awards penalize performers who use Viagra? Of course not. After all, why penalize someone who has already been sexually assaulted by an immediate family member.

Does the NFL Hall of Fame penalize people for being violent? No – in fact you can murder people and still stay in the Hall of Fame. In fact when Ray Lewis is inducted, they will have to open a Homicide Wing in Canton.

Do the Oscars refuse to nominate actors who play handicapped people even though it is easy and an unfair advantage? Nope – although George W. was not nominated for Fahrenheit 9/11, which may have signaled a change in Academy policy.

My point is that sports are a reflection of society and in Mark McGwire we have a role model for all Americans. Let me offer you an analogy.

When I see a homeless man or woman begging for change on a cold NYC street I usually try to give them some change. Some might say it’s a scam. A scam for what? If they are willing to sit in the cold in smelly, tattered clothes to trick me – consider me tricked. Likewise, if they are going to use it for drugs instead of food, well go ahead. I am not sure how much can be done for the guy who has no teeth, smells like piss and claims to have AIDS. But he can still get high and if I can help him with that consider it my Million Dollar Baby moment.

Similarly, if Mark McGwire was willing to hang out in bathroom stalls with Jose Canseco, allow his skin to approach that of Manuel Noreaga’s, make out with Sammy Sosa on national TV and then act like a bit-h in front of Congress, doesn’t he deserve the Hall of Fame?

In short if you are willing to cheat and degrade yourself in pursuit of money aren’t you really embodying what is so great about America? As Nino Brown said in New Jack City, “This is big business. This is the American Way.” (Wesley Snipes, who played Nino Brown took those words to heart as he I believe has a tax evasion indictment pending). So I say – let Mark McGwire in the Hall of Fame. I will allow Big Mac’s words to end this inspired by A Few Good Men:

“I use words like andro, anabolic, juiced. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent injecting crap in my ass. You use them as a punch line. I would rather you just say thanks for the home runs and be on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick a dumbbell and take some batting practice. Either way I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!”

Well said.

James Brown, Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein

With my obsessive compulsive movie binge done (I added Notes on A Scandal and The last King of Scotland to my list, giving me 8 movies in 9 days – disgusting) I now turn my blog to three important deaths that have occurred since Christmas.

1) THE CANONIZATION OF JAMES BROWN.

I will always remember him as the singer of Sex Machine and the author of the second greatest mug shot in history, behind Nick Nolte. What i was not prepared for was the memorial services. I guess now we wait to see if the Pope finds that in fact two miracles did occur at James Brown’s hand. I kid – I know he was a great artist and a huge influence on music. But I wanted to strangle his daughter when she spoke though – I am not sure “which one,” but it was the one that really annoyed me and said “Y’all know James Brown was headlining” in Heaven on Christmas. She bothered me.

2) GERALD FORD – THE GEORGE LAZENBY OF PRESIDENTS.

George Lazenby was the actor who played James Bond for one film in between Sean Connery and Roger Moore. I am not sure more needs to be said except – really? No mail on January 2nd also? The guy was president for an afternoon for Pete’s sake! I had to wait an extra day for my Amazon order. On a related note – most overrated Gerald Ford on SNL – Chevy Chase. Most underrated Gerald Ford – Dana Carvey’s Tom Brokaw anticipating the death of Gerald Ford news stories.

3) SADDAM HUSSEIN – DEATH OF A TYRANT. BIRTH OF A COMIC.

Sure he gassed a lot of people. Sure he ran rape rooms. But like last rites to a Catholic, a comic appreciates sarcasm can be redeeming in the eyes of a comic. The fact that Saddam Hussein went out saying a Muslim prayer… sarcastically, according to one observer, is priceless. I cannot say I am happy about Saddam Hussein’s death. The same way I do not cheer when a Neo-Nazi murderer kills a child molester in prison because “that’s just wrong.” Death should only be dispensed by someone who is beyond reproach, which is why I am against the death penalty in all cases. I will say if we were to condemn Saddam for anything it should be inefficiency. Why kill in 25 years what can be done in 3 ½ years?

Conclusive Proof that I have no Life

Before going into my top 10 allow me to give you honorable mention to Babel, Borat and Cars, which were all cut from the Top 10. They are all worth seeing, but Cars was a step below the usual Pixar brilliance, Borat’s nude wrestling scene was too graphic and Babel was very solid, but was just beaten out by better films. So here it goes:

10) (Tie) Pan’s Labrynth and Letters from Iwo Jima. In a Lou Dobbs’ move I am putting foreign language films towards the bottom of my list.

Letters from Iwo Jima is the Clint Eastwood companion film to Flags of Our Fathers and it is much better. Perhaps because I had read the book first, I was disappointed with Flags. Letters from Iwo Jima is much more interesting, and there is no Paul Walker cameo to detract from the acting quality, unlike Flags.

Pan’s Labrynth – very cool Spanish language movie about a little girl whose stepfather is the most evil man alive and she escapes to a labrynth when she finds out that she is a Princess from another world (do not expect David Bowie to come prancing around this labrynth). Very good film. And that is saying a lot considering I saw it at 10:45 am on New Year’s Day.

9) Apocalypto – The third foreign language film on the list. Extremely visual and tense film. Mel Gibson is absolutely out of his mind, but this movie is quite good. I suggest eating a rare steak and drinking red wine before this movie. It makes the heart removals and beheadings feel more real.

8) Casino Royale – if not for a sort of dragged out confusing ending, this movie might have been higher. Great stunts and exciting pace. He’s no Pierce Brosnan in terms of looks, but apparently Daniel Craig just went on steroids for the role to make up for his lesser looks.

7) Children of Men. Exactly how I envision the future. Chaos everywhere and the only people who can save us are Clive Owen and Michael Caine. All I kept thinking was – “this must be how Iraq looks like day-to-day – I wouldn’t want freedom either.”

6) Blood Diamond – Leonardo DiCaprio is terrific in this and yes he is a pretty man. Critics kept saying the movie was too preachy. I disagree. I believe every man who is in a serious relationship should watch this movie with his woman. If she still wants a diamond after seeing the movie she’s a keeper.

5) An Inconvenient Truth – Speaking of preachy films, Al Gore proved with this film that he is the world’s greatest power point presenter. This movie is scary and important. It is important because it shows what dire shape the earth is in and it is scary because it shows how much weight Al Gore has put on since winning the 2000 election.

4) Invincible – If my Top 4 films were on Sesame Street the typical person would say – “I know which one doesn’t belong – Invincible.” Well screw you. This is my 2nd favorite sports movie of all time behind Hoosiers. It is a feel good movie, with the appropriate level of training montages and 70s rock and funk. Marky Mark and Greg Kinnear are excellent.

3) Dreamgirls – Great production. I have nothing bad to say about this film except that the top 2 were just a little bit better. Everyone is great, but I especially liked Eddie Murphy’s James Brown-esque final number. Jaime Foxx plays a villainous character which I enjoyed, not because he was so good, but because it gave people a reason to hate him, which was like payback for Miami Vice (see last blog – Worst movie of the Year)

2) The Depaaaahhhhted. Great acting (Marky Mark beats out Leo for my entertainer of the Year because Invincible ranked higher than Blood Diamond and they were both in The Departed). Great Story. Annoying Boston-speak. Rolling Stones playing throughout the movie. Prosthetic cock shot for Jack Nicholson. What is not to like? If not for the last 15 minutes – would have been number 1. Instead the Departed must settle for being the Wes Mantooth of 2006 (Anchorman reference if you don’t know).

And the number 1 film of 2006…

1) United 93. Flawless movie and proves something that George Bush has been using for 5 years – if you evoke 9/11 you can’t go wrong. I can’t wait for the sequel.

Tomorrow we will start the New Year with the posting of my Top 10 films of 2006. But let’s end 2006 the way I like to – on a bad note. Here are the worst films of 2006 (obviously I have not seen films like Basic Instinct 2, etc. This is a list of the movies I was either suckered into seeing or saw for some other reason than pure personal desire):

10) Poseidon – The Imax Experience usually enhances a film, but this just made the crappiness bigger. Effects could not save this awful film. Special kudos to Kevin Dillon who proved that he could only play Johnny Drama on Entourage.

9) Scary Movie 4 – My mentee asked me to take him to see this. Being a mentor I should have taken a stand and said No. I felt like an enabler for a bad movie addict. They should have stopped after Scary Movie 1.

8) Final Destination 3 – my mentee again. Bloody mess of a movie and very dumb.

7) Ice Age 2 – My least favorite animated franchise of all time. I hated it with a passion, but it was slightly better than the 1st. But installment 45, perhaps the franchise will be watchable.

6) Click – The Worst Adam Sandler movie of all time by far, and that is saying a lot. Christopher Walken’s most absurd impression of himself. And the shame of all people who have ever been told that they resemble Adam Sandler.

5) Happy Feet – Made me want to slaughter penguins. Why this film has received critical praise is beyond me. Hugh Jackman gives one of the worst performances of the year and he is only an animated Elvis-type penguin.

4) The Good Shepherd – Robert DeNiro should not be allowed to direct again. First the star of his first directed film is accused of murdering an NYPD officer. Now, his second film makes me want to kill myself. Stop it Bobby. All stars of this film should give back their paychecks.

3) Everybody’s Hero – the worst animated film of the year. It didn’t register on many radars except those of parents and guys dating women with kids. Just terrible.

2) Cry Wolf – Actually this is probably the worst movie I have ever seen. It was one of those, “We’re near a movie theater and I feel like vegging out with some popcorn” type films. Jon Bon Jovi plays a teacher in this movie. He was the stand out actor. All the young actors in this film should lose their SAG cards and their citizenship, of whatever country they’re from. Grade for this movie F-.

1) Miami Vice – One of the greatest disappointments in film history for me. Michael Mann is one of my favorites. Heat, Last of the Mohicans, The Insider and Collateral are some of my favorite movies. Although not technically worse than Cry Wolf, Cry Wolf had no expectations – it was like a Special Olympic athlete. But Miami Vice was like a ‘roided up Marion Jones – very high expectations. It met none. Michael Mann – worst script of the year. Jaime Foxx – worst performance of his career. Colin Farrell – worst mustache of all time. Congratulations Miami Vice – you are the worst movie of 2006.

I will see my 6th movie in 6 days to complete my quest for a top 10 films for 2006. Look for it tomorrow.

And I am not talking about Jesus

Now I wanted to hold off on blogs until the end of the week when I could put out a legitimate Top 10 movie list for 2006. Unfortunately I saw a film last night that requires a public service announcement. DO NOT SEE THE GOOD SHEPHERD. Consider this a Christmas present.

Now Robert DeNiro’s first directorial effort was a Bronx Tale. It was not great, but it was a solid effort. The only word to describe his second film is messy. It is sure to join Miami Vice and Happy Feet in my worst films of 2006. Here are the reasons why:

1)The film is too jumpy. This film jumps around so much it makes The Godfather II look linear. Telling the story chronologically would have helped except for the fact that…

2)I did not care what happened by the end of the film. Not one performance in this film was worth watching. It seemed like every one was mailing it in. They all sucked. If no one in the films seems to care or be worth caring about, why would I?

3)We get it – spies speak in metaphors. “The pool is full of water, but there is no chlorine.” “The bread is in the basket, but the recipe needed more yeast.” “The weather is looking better, but the clouds are still looming.” “Fish are still swimming, but the food is almost gone.” SHUT UP AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN ONCE IN A WHILE.

4)There were 4 opportunities to end the film mercifully, but it just kept going and going and going.

5)They had to force Matt Damon to marry Angelina Jolie when he gets her pregnant. Wow – what a sacrifice. Fine, fine I will marry the world’s hottest woman, but I am only doing this because it is the right thing to do.

6)The young man who plays Angelina and Matt’s son is one of the strangest looking people I have seen in a movie and is a horrible actor.

Overall grade – D+

I will not see every movie this year, but the last 4 before my top 10 are: Children of Men, Letters From Iwo Jima, Blood Diamond and Pan Labrynth. Enjoy your holidays and remember the only Good Shepherd this Christmas is the one with the long hair and the miracles.

Exactly the grade I did not want to give Rocky Balboa

There is not a lot of fighting, Rocky flirts with a woman who is just barely more attractive than Adrian in Rocky I and Rocky’s son sucks for the second straight film (but not literally his son like in Rocky V), but this movie is pretty decent.

Stallone is very solid in this film. And by solid I refer to his acting and not his pecs, but for 60 years old Stallone is pretty jacked.

The movie focuses on depressed Rocky, who is sad over Adrian dying. Paulie is still a drunk sh-tbag. He then decides to fight the current champ because he needs to feel good about himself.

I will not tell you how the film ends, but the fight scenes sort of suck. Part Sin City, part Nine Inch Nails video, part Cinderella Man. The strength of the film really is Stallone’s performance to be honest. The weakness of the film, other than the fighting was the crowd which started shouting “Get him Rocky” and clapping during scenes in the movie.

I needed some inspirational film though after seeing the Utah Jazz lose to the Knicks a few nights ago at Madison Square Garden. After the game, which ended with a Knick layup at the buzzer I lost a fight badly to a steel door. After the game I went and got a beer and asked for some ice and a bag or a ziploc baggie from the bartender. I think she thought I was speaking some foreign language because 5 requests later she still didn’t know what I was talking about. Possibly the annoying jazz music that was blaring (thus making 2 times in one night that the Jazz were ruining my evening). Then some woman at the bar looks at me and says, “What do you need a BAGGIE for???” I glared at her and said “My heroin.” Then I realized that when the Jazz lose to the Knicks, as well as when I am awake, I can be a real asshole. Then again the woman said she was moving to Russia, so who gives a sh-t.

Preview of next week – my Top 10 movies of 2006. I am on vacation from work next week so I will be seeing the remaining movies that I want to see. 2 Marky Mark films will be in the top 5 though.

Could this be the worst movie ever made?

Before getting into the main focus – I saw a sneak preview of We Are Marshall this weekend. It was OK. Matthew Fox of Lost and Ian McShane of Deadwood are both quite solid. But the movie belonged to Matthew McConaughey and my impression of him afterwards. His performance had a few phases. The first was as a dumb George Bush. That’s right – a dumbed down version of George Bush. “I am a football coach. I coach football.”

The next phase was as awkwardly dressed 70s coach – which was outfitted perfectly. And he kept doing this thing where he pointed at people with three fingers which was weird. I think he told McG, the director (yes the film was directed by someone who calls themselves McG) – “Listen up McG – I’m Matthew McConaughey and I have this thing I want to do where I point with 3 fingers – it’ll be my thing. I will even not take off my shirt in this movie so that I can do the 3 finger thing.”

His last phase was as inspiring leaders of football team. Blah blah blah.

The movie’s best feature was that it was not Happy Feet. Its worst feature was that it was not Invincible (which comes out on DVD tomorrow and is still in my top 5 for the year – although some strong competition coming out in the next week – Dreamgirls, Good Shepherd, Letters from Iwo Jima).

However, Invincible will not be getting any competition probably from a little film coming out Wednesday called Rocky Balboa.

One of my signature bits, if an unknown, unpaid comic can have signature bits, is on the Rocky film series. The joke has been modified and improved with tidbits on the plot from Rocky Balboa. The real question I will have Wednesday when I go see it is: Is this going to be the worst film ever?

If RB is mediocre I will be sad. If it is good I will be shocked. If it is awful I will be happy. I have never gone to a movie to see how bad it is. RB will be the first. Rocky I and II were legit movies. III and IV were testosterone soaked music videos, but enjoyable. Rocky V was a crime against humanity. And Sly still has the audacity to come out with a 6th film.

I am nervous that it will be mediocre and not awful. Ebert and Roeper have given it 2 thumbs up and Newsweek seem to have positive things to say about it. It is like finding out some person you want to hate turns out to be not as bad as you have heard and you are disappointed because you had your heart set on hating their guts and talking sh-t about them. I need Rocky Balboa to be that piece of sh-t.

In an attempt to piggyback off of the hype around RB, I will be posting the new version of my Rocky joke – let’s call it Rocky 2.0 – on Youtube in the next 48 hours. I will want people to watch it and forward it and watch it some more. And yes I admit I am a Rocky profiteer. I am the Halliburton of Rocky fans. Even though children will become retarded while watching the movie, people will waste hard earned dollars on it and the apocalypse may actually be brought upon us because of this film, I am willing and able to advance my own career on the hype that it generates.

Let’s just hope it REALLY sucks.

Gotham Comedy Club and My Office Christmas Party

So I have had a strong week of comedy performances. It started with open mics on Monday and Tuesday, during which I began to question why I was doing comedy.

But then I had a big show on Wednesday at Gotham Comedy Club. It was a full house and I was very eager to get on stage when I was told, “Darrell Hammond is here. Do you mind if we bump you and you go on after him?” I said that I didn’t because I felt confident enough to follow Mr. Hammond. Well that and he appeared a little bit wasted.

He went up there and did well and got lots of laughs. I then got up there and had one of the 3-4 best sets of my life. It felt good and then Darrell Hammond came up to me and said “Really good stuff.” It felt nice and it took more than double the customary two hours for me to feel depressed again about not being a “pro.”

But then I had to shift gears dramatically because Thursday was the annual bureau Christmas party. And I had promised and previewed a long skit featuring 10-12 impressions of people at my office. They are so good that they should replace all the famous faces on my website’s background, but no one would have any idea who they are.

So as the time got closer and my blood alcohol level got higher I began to get nervous. What if I get fired? What if I offend people I work with and get canned and have to live off of my $6.75 a month pay from comedy (at least that is the rapid rate at which my CD is flying off of the internet shelves)?

But I got up there and killed. Best show of my life. Bar none. The premise was that an e coli outbreak had occurred at White Castle and that someone bribed someone with the health inspector’s office. Like I said, the material and impressions probably would not work at a club, unless that club was filled with people I work with. But thanks to my prestige as a “bringer” I can always guarantee a few people from my office at comedy clubs.

But let December 14, 2006 be known as the date that I became the unofficial King of Office Party Comedy. Like real comedy it does not pay me anything.

Have a good weekend loyal reader.

Human Sacrifice and the Worst Penguin Movie Ever

As promised this weekend was a weekend of movie watching and since I wanted a theme I decided to see Apocalypto and Happy Feet because of their obvious similarities.

First was Apocalypto, Mel Gibson’s Gore de Force about pre-colonial Mayan Civilization. I went to see it by myself because all of my friends did not want to support Mel Gibson. I, on the other hand, cannot turn my back on the man who directed The Man Without A Face. So I bought ten tickets for all of my sensitive friends who won’t see it.

When I got into the theater 20 minutes before showtime I was surprised to see the theater packed. Even on the Upper West Side of Manhattan Mel still apparently has friends. Among those friends were a woman with a 6 month old sitting behind me and an old couple who kept snoring throughout the first half of the movie. I also spilled a full order of pretzel bites on the floor which put me in a bad mood before the movie.

So the movie went like this. The first half is Mel Gibson taking you into a very different language and culture. It sort of resembled a creepy National Geographic special. Lots of male ass cheeks in loin cloths and lots of female breasts, but in a tasteful way (i.e. not the kind of scenes you will re-wind on DVD). The second half is how a violent tribe kidnaps and sacrifices men of the peaceful tribe to appease the gods and get a draught to end. Hearts still beating were ripped from chests and heads were severed. And the main character manages to escape which turns the second half of the movie into a Mayan Fugitive. “I need a hard target search of every loin cloth, forest tree and dark cave. Our fugitive’s name is Dr. Jaguar Paw.” I kept wanting to hear Harrison Ford shout out in Myan, “He switched the samples. Did you kill Lentz too?”

The movie was really good, but not great. Mel Gibson has issues and I honestly believe anti-Semitism is not the most pressing. This guy loves violence and making people see human suffering. But as a credit to his filmmaking, you do feel it. I give this movie a very low A- (almost a B+). I can’t wait to see the sequel they are talking about: Sugartitso.

The next day I went to see Happy Feet because nothing gets you in the mood for an animated film about penguins like a film about human sacrifice. Happy Feet sucked. Once again proving that the only animated movies worth seeing start with one of 2 words: Pixar or Shrek. What happened with this film I believe is that they saw March of The Penguins and said, I think we can make a cartoon out of this. Basic plot – penguin can’t sing like others, but can dance. Penguin feels like an outcast, joins a thinly veiled Latino gang and learns his value and helps everyone.

The pluses of this film are the baby penguin’s dancing, which is cute and very funny to watch. That’s it. Negatives – Hugh Jackman’s voice work as an Elvis-type penguin is embarrassingly bad. He made me want to kill penguins. Robin Williams voices not one but two crappy characters. Oh Captain, my captain – stop it. All I kept doing during the movie was thinking of how to make the movie funnier. They almost all involved penguins meeting very violent ends.

The fact that this movie is the #1 movie in the country the last few weeks is an embarrassment. I give it a D+.

Tonight is the finale of The Wire, Season 4. There is nothing on TV or in theaters that compares to it. That show is so good it wouldn’t surprise me if they kill a penguin or Hugh Jackman in the finale to avenge my anger at Happy Feet.

Lou Diamond Phillips is a landmark in American film. Starting out his young career playing Richie Valens in La Bamba, moving on to roles like “peyote smoking native American” in the Young Guns saga, and “suicidal Gulf War veteran” in Courage Under Fire and “isn’t that Lou Diamond Phillips” in a few episodes of 24.

So it comes as a great disappointment to see that a man whose career is nothing short of brilliant has pled guilty to domestic assault and is now on probation for 3 years and has to do 200 hours of community service.

How did this happen? I have tried to explore this and these are some of the reasons I have thought of:

1) The recent death of Jack Palance, a co-star in Young Guns 1, drove LDP over the edge.

2) He was training for his newest role of E True Hollywood Story star.

3) Dancing With the Stars rejected him saying, we already have our douchebag quota filled for the next 2 years, thanks to Mario Lopez.

4) In my opinion this is the strongest theory: Seeing that Esai Morales, who so memorably played his drunk, wife abusing half-brother “Bob” in La Bamba, had had a career resurgence, playing a captain on NYPD BLUE before it went off the air, LDP realized that perhaps beating up your girlfriend could be a good career move. No doubt he probably blamed some sort of crippling alcohol addiction for his abusive behavior.

Or perhaps he is just a piece of sh-t and realized that La Bamaba is good only if you are 12 years old and doing nothing but watching TV on a rainy Sunday. A little less than a year ago I saw La Bamba for the first time in a while (but my Esai Morales impersonation (most obscure one in my repertoire) is still sick – it is like riding a bicycle). It was like being told there is no Santa Claus. You mean this movie that I loved as a 12 year old… sucks? And now, not only does Santa not exist, but the guy pretending to be Santa at Macy’s beats Mrs. Claus when he goes home. What’s next? Are you going to tell me that Three Amigos is awful? That Steve Guttenburg molests children? For shame LDP. You may have hurt that poor woman, but you have done something even worse through your bad acting and bad actions: you have robbed me of a pleasant childhood memory.

But on to more pleasant movie thoughts. Going to try and see 4 movies in the next week, so expect to see some more reviews. Movies on the horizon:

1) Blood Diamond. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. And an impoverished African’s worst nightmare. 2) Apocalypto. Reviewers today have been saying that Mel Gibson is a gifted filmmaker and that he loves suffering and blood. My only question watching this film about a war among ancient Mayan tribes is this: How did the Jews start that war? 3) Happy Feet – I love animated movies. 4) The Last King of Scotland – I hate Forrest Whitaker and his droopy eye, but it is supposed to be the best performance of the year (although I think Collin Farrell and Jaime Foxx might beg to differ with a little film called Miami Vice).