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Human Sacrifice and the Worst Penguin Movie Ever

As promised this weekend was a weekend of movie watching and since I wanted a theme I decided to see Apocalypto and Happy Feet because of their obvious similarities.

First was Apocalypto, Mel Gibson’s Gore de Force about pre-colonial Mayan Civilization. I went to see it by myself because all of my friends did not want to support Mel Gibson. I, on the other hand, cannot turn my back on the man who directed The Man Without A Face. So I bought ten tickets for all of my sensitive friends who won’t see it.

When I got into the theater 20 minutes before showtime I was surprised to see the theater packed. Even on the Upper West Side of Manhattan Mel still apparently has friends. Among those friends were a woman with a 6 month old sitting behind me and an old couple who kept snoring throughout the first half of the movie. I also spilled a full order of pretzel bites on the floor which put me in a bad mood before the movie.

So the movie went like this. The first half is Mel Gibson taking you into a very different language and culture. It sort of resembled a creepy National Geographic special. Lots of male ass cheeks in loin cloths and lots of female breasts, but in a tasteful way (i.e. not the kind of scenes you will re-wind on DVD). The second half is how a violent tribe kidnaps and sacrifices men of the peaceful tribe to appease the gods and get a draught to end. Hearts still beating were ripped from chests and heads were severed. And the main character manages to escape which turns the second half of the movie into a Mayan Fugitive. “I need a hard target search of every loin cloth, forest tree and dark cave. Our fugitive’s name is Dr. Jaguar Paw.” I kept wanting to hear Harrison Ford shout out in Myan, “He switched the samples. Did you kill Lentz too?”

The movie was really good, but not great. Mel Gibson has issues and I honestly believe anti-Semitism is not the most pressing. This guy loves violence and making people see human suffering. But as a credit to his filmmaking, you do feel it. I give this movie a very low A- (almost a B+). I can’t wait to see the sequel they are talking about: Sugartitso.

The next day I went to see Happy Feet because nothing gets you in the mood for an animated film about penguins like a film about human sacrifice. Happy Feet sucked. Once again proving that the only animated movies worth seeing start with one of 2 words: Pixar or Shrek. What happened with this film I believe is that they saw March of The Penguins and said, I think we can make a cartoon out of this. Basic plot – penguin can’t sing like others, but can dance. Penguin feels like an outcast, joins a thinly veiled Latino gang and learns his value and helps everyone.

The pluses of this film are the baby penguin’s dancing, which is cute and very funny to watch. That’s it. Negatives – Hugh Jackman’s voice work as an Elvis-type penguin is embarrassingly bad. He made me want to kill penguins. Robin Williams voices not one but two crappy characters. Oh Captain, my captain – stop it. All I kept doing during the movie was thinking of how to make the movie funnier. They almost all involved penguins meeting very violent ends.

The fact that this movie is the #1 movie in the country the last few weeks is an embarrassment. I give it a D+.

Tonight is the finale of The Wire, Season 4. There is nothing on TV or in theaters that compares to it. That show is so good it wouldn’t surprise me if they kill a penguin or Hugh Jackman in the finale to avenge my anger at Happy Feet.

Lou Diamond Phillips is a landmark in American film. Starting out his young career playing Richie Valens in La Bamba, moving on to roles like “peyote smoking native American” in the Young Guns saga, and “suicidal Gulf War veteran” in Courage Under Fire and “isn’t that Lou Diamond Phillips” in a few episodes of 24.

So it comes as a great disappointment to see that a man whose career is nothing short of brilliant has pled guilty to domestic assault and is now on probation for 3 years and has to do 200 hours of community service.

How did this happen? I have tried to explore this and these are some of the reasons I have thought of:

1) The recent death of Jack Palance, a co-star in Young Guns 1, drove LDP over the edge.

2) He was training for his newest role of E True Hollywood Story star.

3) Dancing With the Stars rejected him saying, we already have our douchebag quota filled for the next 2 years, thanks to Mario Lopez.

4) In my opinion this is the strongest theory: Seeing that Esai Morales, who so memorably played his drunk, wife abusing half-brother “Bob” in La Bamba, had had a career resurgence, playing a captain on NYPD BLUE before it went off the air, LDP realized that perhaps beating up your girlfriend could be a good career move. No doubt he probably blamed some sort of crippling alcohol addiction for his abusive behavior.

Or perhaps he is just a piece of sh-t and realized that La Bamaba is good only if you are 12 years old and doing nothing but watching TV on a rainy Sunday. A little less than a year ago I saw La Bamba for the first time in a while (but my Esai Morales impersonation (most obscure one in my repertoire) is still sick – it is like riding a bicycle). It was like being told there is no Santa Claus. You mean this movie that I loved as a 12 year old… sucks? And now, not only does Santa not exist, but the guy pretending to be Santa at Macy’s beats Mrs. Claus when he goes home. What’s next? Are you going to tell me that Three Amigos is awful? That Steve Guttenburg molests children? For shame LDP. You may have hurt that poor woman, but you have done something even worse through your bad acting and bad actions: you have robbed me of a pleasant childhood memory.

But on to more pleasant movie thoughts. Going to try and see 4 movies in the next week, so expect to see some more reviews. Movies on the horizon:

1) Blood Diamond. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. And an impoverished African’s worst nightmare. 2) Apocalypto. Reviewers today have been saying that Mel Gibson is a gifted filmmaker and that he loves suffering and blood. My only question watching this film about a war among ancient Mayan tribes is this: How did the Jews start that war? 3) Happy Feet – I love animated movies. 4) The Last King of Scotland – I hate Forrest Whitaker and his droopy eye, but it is supposed to be the best performance of the year (although I think Collin Farrell and Jaime Foxx might beg to differ with a little film called Miami Vice).

Another boy for my brother

My brother told me yesterday that he and his wife are going to have a second son in early May. If the boy is born early he could share a birthday with me, which would be cool, except my brother’s first son was born on my brother’s birthday. I feel like if the new one is born on April 24th it is some sort of sign of the apocalypse. (Speaking of which I can’t wait to see Apocalypto. Yeah I’m talking to you sugar tits. I kid the Mel Gibson haters). Anyway I thought I would give my brother and the rest of the world a preview of my two nephews, if in fact the later shares a birthday with me (he will share an astrological sign with me and if you believe in that stuff please leave my website)

Ages 1-10 Gabriel will grow up very responsible and mature, not enjoying video games and wanting to be a police officer. He will wear a jacket and tie to his first baseball game as if it is the 1950s. He will have a big curly afro. He will be bigger than average, but not startlingly so. Everyone will consider him a pleasure from his parents to his teachers and friends.

Unnamed boy will be enormous and lazy as a child. He will not walk until he is 18 months. People will think he has problems. Then he will start walking. And talking. And fighting with kids in school. However, he will learn that bullies fight with their hands, but to be an asshole you have to fight and insult with words. He will begin to develop a razor sharp wit and may even develop an impersonation of a marginal action star when he is 10 years old.

Ages 11-20 Gabriel will put on some weight during these years, but he will continue to impress everyone as a very good person. Early on he will pen a homemade newspaper and scoop the local newspaper, which will then land him on the front page of said local newspaper. He will attempt to play sports, but the only one he will beat is his little brother. He will develop a passion for journalism which will send him to an elite journalism school.

Unnamed boy will continue to be enormous. In fact he will always be back row center of every class photo. He will do well in class, play well at sports and do impersonations that make people laugh, or make people want to call him onto Jerry Springer in 15 years and say , “You laughed at me then, but look at me now!!!” He will benefit from Gabriel’s good reputation which will earn him favor with teachers that do not like him as much as Gabriel. He will pursue journalism like Gabriel in high school, but will go to an elite Liberal Arts college and give up journalism for sitting on the bench for the basketball team. He will continue to get bigger and will start lifting weights which will prompt his father to say upon returning from freshman year, “What did you do to your back?”

Age 21-30 Gabriel – will finish school, and start working as a journalist. He will get mad when his brother says “bless you” in anticipation of a sneeze because he claims that that stops him from sneezing, which is unhealthy. He will get married, start having a family and will take his brother on awesome trips. But he will also make his brother sleep on an aero mattress from time to time causing his brother great discomfort.

Unnamed boy – He will finally stop growing, but people will not stop asking him how tall he is. He will graduate college and go on to law school. He will learn very important things in law school like “I don’t like law school,” and “I am pretty good at stand up comedy.” He will come back to his hometown and live with his parents for an indefinite amount of time, thus making aero mattress sleeping a problem of his own making. At 27 he will start writing a blog chronicling his everyday life as a struggling stand up comic. Dozens will read it. He will be told by several co-workers that he is nice looking, but that his brother is a more amazing person and thus, more attractive. He will then make fun of them showing how mature he is.

Of course this only applies if the new guy is born on my birthday. I would not bet against it though, so hopefully my brother has a durable aero mattress.

So I had off Monday and Tuesday and I decided the best ways to relax would be to take my former girlfriend’s kid out for pizza and then sleep on the floor of my living room. Let me explain.

AJ and I have a long standing relationship dating back to January 2005(listen to the CD if you don’t know). He feeds me material and I give him food occasionally, usually in the form of movie snacks and make him laugh at my bafoonery. To keep my comedy career alive and to keep AJ well fed I picked him up from his after school program on Tuesday. Unfortunately in what was either oversight or the best prank ever, AJ’s Mom “forgot” to tell them that I would be picking him up. Let awkwardness ensue.

Now AJ was a good sport and high fived (I think I will try to teach him the Boart “HIGH FIIIVE!”) me when I got to the after school center, thus giving me some credibility as the person there to pick him up. However they had never heard of me, at which point I think they ran and checked their sex offender registry photo book. I thought his Mom had called Dateline and was trying to set me up as some creepy pedophile. “Sure AJ remembers me… I am J-L, the guy with the movie snacks. The popcorn is right outside in my windowless white van AJ.”

Well after the body cavity search and the background check I was allowed to leave with AJ. And I won’t have to go door-to-door in my community, introducing myself. We had pizza and exchanged stories about work. I told him that I had to meet with the police in the community and he told me about the alphabet. I then envied him wishing I could back to a time where the alphabet and numbers were newer events. I then dropped him off at his home and made my way to a police council meeting nearby.

Then I got home.

My brother and his wife (remember the successful couple with the cute baby on the home page) were coming into town late that night for a funeral the next day. That’s not the funny part. I, as the financial and emotional drain on my parents, still live at home. My room can accommodate a couple, especially a successful one. However, they cannot then accommodate me as well. So I had to drag my twin mattress out onto the living room floor with blanket and pillow in hand to sleep on the floor. I had only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before so I was dead tired. I fell quickly asleep at 11:30 pm and slept soundly until… 5:31 AM. Maybe it is my military haircut, or my depression or the fact that I was sleeping on the floor, but that is no time to wake up. But that is the time of night/day when my mother grabs the New York Times. Fortunately she gave me just the 11 hour head start I needed before going into work for the 4 pm-2am shift. So after an early morning trip to the gym (38 lbs lost since March 2006 – leaving me at 246 lbs – 2-6 pounds off of my college playing weight. Pretty good considering I am neither in college, nor playing on any sport team). Needing a pick-me-up, I came back and turned on HBO2 and saw Walk The Line.

In a 24 hour period that featured memories, painful back aches and the dread of working 10 hours tonight (where do you think I am now), Joaquin Phoenix made me feel much happier, even if it was the 44th time I have seen that movie on a derivative of HBO.

My favorite things about Walk The Line:

1) The tunes – I actually feel that Joaquin Phoenix sings half of them better than Johnny Cash. Ring of Fire being the most salient example.

2) The Love Story – Johnny Cash proves that, drug use, holding your guitar in an inexplicably awkward fashion and rampant cheating will land you the love of your life. So will someone pass me a joint, a six string and a hammer so I can shatter my moral compass and let’s find some love!

3) It proves that sometimes it can be cooler pretending to be a person (Joaquin Phoenix) than actually being that person (Johnny Cash). That is why in my biopic I will play myself. That way I can receive accolades for my dead-on portrayal of myself. “He captured the sarcasm, the bad choices and the height so well.” 4 stars.

Tonight I get to sleep in my twin bed. If you need to reach me tonight I will be questioning my purpose in life. But don’t e-mail or call me between 2:30 am and 5:31 am – I’ll be sleeping.

Wednesday was a big day. The government allowed me to leave work at 3 pm. It was effectively a Friday and I had tickets to Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny and reservations at a nice restaurant. Great night in the making.

Well, in an interesting coincidence, our waiter looked like a dead ringer for Jack Black, but just taller with an Eastern European accent. He informed us that he ran a modeling agency. Out of his apartment. I then asked him what his address was so I could tell the cops where at least a dozen severed heads of women could probably be found.

But our waiter could not stop talking. So he got out of me that I was an ADA in the Bronx. I then went to the restroom, intentionally making it very uncomfortable for my dinner companion. When I got back to the table I was informed that our waiter said that he had just gotten out of jury duty. His method was simple. He told the court that he did not like blacks or jews. From that point he was known to us as Racist Jack Black.

Then we saw Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny. If you are not a Jack Black fan this movie may not be for you. If you are a Jack Black fan then it is a masterwork. It is not as good as School of Rock (but what really is), but it is tremendous.

I then made a post movie pledge to go watch School of Rock in honor of Jack Black, but I got sidetracked. Damn you Gin and Tonic.

Well last night I had my audition for Live at Gotham, the Comedy Central Show featuring up and coming comics at Gotham Comedy Club.

Some highlights:

1) A new joke I have been working on about how my Mom and Dad met killed. I was very happy.

2) I only said 1 “pussy,” 1 “bitch” and I “fu-k” or “sh-t” (I cannot remember which one). I believe that was clean enough.

3) I would grade it out for me as an A- (although I obviously wanted an A). Not a bad grade

Lowlights:

1) My United 93 joke was not as strong as it needed to be although it did get some laughs. Writing has already occurred to improve this one.

2) My line “I don’t support the troops, but I support the war” I was informed by Comedian Tim Young that this was a line made infamous by Bill Hicks on Letterman some years back. I obviously did not know this and now have to figure how to work the intro line to a bit of mine. Or say – Bill Hicks is dead and I came up with it on my own.

3) I was getting heckled by some patrons and went on a tirade on them. I informed them that 100 years ago they would have been swinging from a tree with pitchforks in their asses. I then proceeded to call them Nig–rs several times and tell them that I wasn’t scared of them. I don’t know what was worse, the fact that that probably cost me the audition or that the people heckling me were Asian.

Either way I am happy for the opportunity and I hope that I get to do the show. If not it could be worse, right Kramer?

Quick movie reviews:

For Your Consideration – really bad. Best in Show seems really long ago watching this movie. C-/D+ (John Michael Higgins stops it from being lower)

Casino Royale – Bond on Steroids – good stuff B+

Tomorrow – Tenacious D. There is a reason Jack Black is one of my MySpace heroes.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Today started like any other. I got out of bed questioning the meaning of existence why I only seem to be able to get 3 hours of sleep a night. I then promptly plugged in my Ipod to drown those questions out and run around my neighborhood as I get in shape for some athletic competition that will never happen.

I then went to work, prepared for a Grand Jury presentation and made various phone calls. Relatively ho hum day. Ate a roast beef sandwich and apple for lunch. Wondered when it was going to rain and if it was actually going to rain right at 5 pm when I leave.

Then I got an awesome e-mail.

Gotham Comedy Club, on the recommendation of someone out at the LA Improv, to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for listening to my CD and watching my DVD, has offered me an audition spot for Live at Gotham, their weekly stand up show on Comedy Central that debuted this past Summer.

After a month of dreary blogs and fewer performances I feel like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank after he has emerged from the sh-t of Shawshank’s sewage and is holding his hands rejoicing in the rain.

However, I understand that the movie still requires the happier ending. If I nail the audition it will be like seeing Red at the end of the movie. If I don’t get the audition it will sort of be like finding out the Queens are waiting for me when I reach my destination. So although my Shawshank tale is on the right path, the movie ain’t over.

Wish me luck – Monday 8:30 at Gotham Comedy Club.

Where is Borat when you need him?

This weekend I traveled to Pittsburgh with my brother to see the Pittsburgh Steelers play the New Orleans Saints. Tickets and trip financed by my brother because he is what is known in the real world as a “success.”

Before we left we had to rake some leaves, but as you can see from the photos, I delegated my raking to my 22 month old nephew. I think it is good to get him working – it builds character.

We set out for Pittsburgh on Sunday morning nice and early. I was wearing my Steeler jersey and my brother wearing his. My jersey is Ben Roethlesburger, who was injured in a motorcycle crash in the pre-season and my brother was wearing his Joey Porter jersey, a player who had been shot in the butt a few years ago at a random gunfight at a Colorodo bar. We both chose the jerseys because the respective players’ stories so closely reflected our own lives.

As we made our way to Pittsburgh I found myself asking – “isn’t Pennsylvania a Blue state?” There were lots of W stickers on cars and random men walking on the side of the road with shotguns. As always happens in my ironic inner monologue, Melloncamp’s “Ain’t that America” started playing.

We stopped by a diner about an hour from the stadium, where we had a very nice (i.e. creepy) waitress who kept asking me how my food and milkshake were in the following form, “I bet you like that milkshake, don’t cha?” Other than the fact that I ordered a vanilla and you brought me a chocolate, yes. But she did bring me a vanilla as well, free of charge. I drank both and realized why America is getting so fat. And then I admired our waitress’ fang-like teeth.

We arrived at Pittsburgh at about 1 p.m. My brother decided that we should kill some time at a nearby shopping mall. There was supposed to be a shuttle bus from the mall to the stadium, but as the pictures indicate, the bus never showed up. I also enjoyed looking in an arcade at the mall and seeing various terrorist themed video games. We will fight them in an arcade so we don’t have to fight them here.

So we finally arrive at Heinz Field at about 4 pm. Football fans are a scary breed, especially Pittsburgh fans. They have such a forced devotion that is hard to imagine being 100% genuine. And there is something inherent in white trash that they all say “Y’all,” even though my instincts would tell me that that would be the exclusive province of southern white trash.

So my brother and I made it up to our seats which were in the second to last row of the stadium smooshed in between a lot of red blooded Americans. They type of guys who are half a mile away from the field, but think calling an opposing player “homo” or “piece of sh-t” from that distance is going to have an effect on the play. I wish Borat had been there to start kissing these men on the cheeks. “I like you. Do you like me?”

There are pics from my trip in the blog photo section. I think they are slightly funnier than this entry. The Steelers won so the trip was a success.

And check out my store page – new price cuts on my CD for the holidays.

But at least I had 2 government holidays

Interesting week for your favorite struggling comic.

Sunday – went out for a drink or 8 with some co-workers to celebrate the completion of the NYC marathon of a few of my co-workers who ran it.

Monday – went out for a drink or 8 with some co-workers to celebrate the completion of the NYC marathon of a few of my co-workers who ran it. The only difference was that I also lost a trial that day, making Monday slightly worse.

Tuesday – had off from work. Did my civic duty and voted. I felt like I was at Church. I was the only person under 50 without kids.

Wednesday – I went to the Utah Jazz vs. NJ Nets game. Great time and great game even though the Jazz lost. I cheered just enough to scare the little Nets fans sitting around me. The third best thing about the game was Boney James – the “cool cat” who played sax at the game. I asked myself, man your career must be in trouble if you are playing the sax at a Nets hafltime. But he was not bad, so said my guest who was a Jazz fan (the musical kind, not hoops). And if I could perform comedy at halftime of a Nets game I would probably be happy. Wednesday was a good day, but the calm before the storm.

Thursday – I performed a 12 minute set at a bar downtown. In front of 2 audience members. There were 5 comics and 2 audience members. I almost decided to pick up a drug addiction after the show just to see if my comedy career could get any worse.

But Friday is a new day and I offer the following bits of hope for my comedy fan(s):

1) Me and three of my comedian friends are very close to picking a spot for our twice a month show. May starts shows as early as December in midtown Manhattan. Stay tuned

2) My CD is going to have a huge Holiday price drop – please tell your friends to check in or buy it as a cheap present for your family and friends

3) Steeler game on Sunday in Pittsburgh with my brother. If anything it will at least provide a blog and new photos.

Last night I saw Borat. Sitting directly in front of me was Michael Moore. When I went to get popcorn before the movie on line ahead of me was Keanu Reeves. I wonder if they went home and told their friends and families -” I saw that guy J-L Cauvin at the movie.” Probably not, but my impression of Keanu Reeves from Devil’s Advocate is so good that I sometimes think I am a bad Canadian actor.

The movie was very funny. But I feel like with my friends who have seen it we were all left feeling like we had given Borat no choice but to be the greatest comedy of all time. That is a heavy burden to bear. I would give it an A-. I would give my drunken imitation of Borat after the movie a D+.

In other news today I received a solicitation for free porn DVDs – sort of like Columbia House, but with abusive stepparents and fake breasts. I have actually been wondering how long this would take. In person I am a charismatic and engaging and attractive to anywhere between 10% and 95% of the female population, depending on how arrogant gin has made me. On paper I am a 27 year old living with his parents. Perhaps if the porn people knew that I was not in need for the cozy comforts that only a money shot can bring they would not have sent it to me, but on paper the probably saw that I live at home, do stand up comedy and went to law school and figured – this guy needs our product. And that is not true.

And if that is not humiliating enough I was invited by Fitness Made Simple’s John Basedow to be his MySpace friend. I of course accepted because I want my fitness made simple. I think I will add him to my top 16 because he has helped dozens of Americans get in better shape.