In case you still have Internet in the aftermath of Hurricane/Storm/Bitch Sandy, here is something that will make you wish you had lost your Web access: a blow-for-blow account of life on the road last week.  I have not been chronicling my road life as much in 2012 for a very good reason: I have not been getting booked as much.  But last week my luck turned around and my cholesterol went way up thanks to a week that took me from Gotham Comedy Club to Lawrence University in Appleton, Wisconsin to “The Comedy Room” in Wyandotte, Michigan (pronounced “where the fu*k am I?”, Wyandotte is an old Native American term for “Where all the white people from Detroit ran away from blacks”).  All in all it was over 2,000 miles of driving, over 4,000 grams of trans fats and over $20 in profit!  Just kidding, made triple digit profits this week, which means that if I am a victim of Hurricane Sandy’s aftermath relatives of mine will have to divide $125 amongst themselves.  I just hope that the nastiness of the ensuing litigation does not tear my family apart.  OK – here is the epic tale of comedy domination from NYC through the Midwest.

Tuesday Night – Gotham

I went up first on the Comedians at Law show at Gotham because we are experimenting running comedy shows like athletic events at progressive middle schools – everyone gets to close shows like they are participation trophies.  Couple that frustration with some financial arrangements with former group members and I thought it was a bad start to a week (without going into details please watch Michael Corleone in this scene for how I would have chosen to deal with former members):

So I retired for the evening after a surprisingly good set because the next day was the trip to Coldwater, Michigan.  Road work is like a cleansing of the comedy palate – leave and forget everything at home for a week or so at a time.

Road Trip – Day 1 – Joe Pontillo: Road Comedy Warrior

On Wednesday I was picked up by Joe Pontillo.  I have done several road gigs with Joe Pontillo and here is why Pontillo is a great road comedy companion:

• He has a seemingly unlimited capacity for driving, which is good because I do not drive (I have a license, but consider it a serious danger to be behind the wheel).
• He is a funny dude.
• He is a small human being, which always means he has to sleep on fold out couches instead of beds in the event of limited bedding.

We set of for Coldwater, MI which is about 70% of the way from New York to Appleton, WI.  Among the things we learned was that Pennsylvania is the worst city to travel through – it is dark, full of trees and devoid of quality rest stops.  Of course Ohio is the exact opposite – their stops are pristine, contain 24 hour Starbucks and are so safe that the staffs consist entirely of 90 year old women at 2am.  I also began my futile quest to eat at a Buffalo Wild Wings (I always try to eat at places that I see advertised a lot in NYC, but can never find in NYC – I AM TALKING TO YOU SONIC!).

We arrived at the Red Roof Inn (the GPS led us to a quiet abandoned road about 2/10 of a mile from the Red Roof Inn, which was temporarily terrifying and then a great relief) at about 2:30 am and for $48 it was a pretty solid place.

 

Road Trip Day 2 – Appleton’s Reckoning

Joe and I set off for Appleton around 9 am the next day and as we were pulling out I realized that there was a Buffalo Wild Wings behind the hotel (the first of about 5 we would miss by a few feet and/or a few hours of being opened).  We stopped at Wendy’s for lunch where I had a burger, fries and milkshake and was served by a woman whose name tag said “Ms. Nique$$..”  We arrived at the Hampton Inn in Appleton around 4pm and I then met up with my law school buddy Pat Blaney.  We continued a law school tradition by eating dinner at Fuddrucker’s (when my Steelers and Pat’s Packers met in the Super Bowl a couple of years ago we dubbed it the Fudd’s Bowl and bet a $50 Fuddruckers gift card) and I had a burger, fries and soda (because only an animal with a death wish would have burgers, fries AND milkshakes two meals in a row).  Then it was time for the show at Lawrence University.

Lawrence University is a pleasant looking liberal arts college of about 1600 students, not unlike where I went to college.  And when I arrived at the location of the show I was not surprised to see I would be performing at the campus snack bar.  There was a sign of me in the bathroom and I took it as a good sign that there were neither  urine stains nor a glory hole cut out of my mouth on the poster.  Then one student came up to me and said:

“Are you J-L?  I saw your poster and watched your videos on YouTube.  You are really funny!.” And then he left ten minutes before the show and never returned.

I met the student liaisons who seemed intimidated both by my size and my 1970s birth date, but were very pleasant.  Also, to the credit of a small school in the middle of Appleton the student body appeared incredibly diverse. Either they were taking photos for the campus brochure at my show or it is a very richly diverse student body.

But it was not all good news. I was sadly told that there was a campus wide free screening of a small independent film called The Dark Knight Rises at exactly the same time as the show.  So we ended up having 30-40 students at the show and they were a great audience.  Joe did a great job warming them up and then I worked my ass off and had a great set.  And then, like most college gigs it ended in the most anti-climactic way.  You get a hand shake, a few nods from students and then walk out and head back to the Hampton Inn as the students realize that there are more important things than a comedian, such as everything for one example.

Road Trip Day 3 – White Detroit

The next day we headed out around 830 am and passed at least one more Buffalo Wild Wings nearby.  We had lunch at Panera Bread where I had a salad which confused my body which had been trained to survive on trans fats and sugar alone.   We made it to Wyandotte and went to Portofino’s Restaurant, home of the cleverly named “The Comedy Room.”  The show was packed with people because it was a fundraiser for a high school hockey team.  So just in case a few black people had snuck into the suburb and were going to attend the show, “hockey fundraiser” probably lowered their numbers even more to a manageable zero.

The set went well, except when I mentioned President Obama, which became a clash between a table of older, pro-Obama women and a table of younger, female mullet having anti-Obama women.  Sold a bunch of CDs to top it all off for a very successful evening.

The hotel room had one giant bed and one fold out couch and Pontillo gladly took the fold out couch when I passed out on the large bed.

Road Trip Day 4 – Cloud Atlas and the Olive Garden

I woke up the next day to see Cloud Atlas, but had to call a cab to get to the theater (I decided waking Joe up early after him taking the sofa bed would be too much to ask).  So I called a cab at 915am and the dispatcher told me that she would send a cab. At 950am I called back and said I was hoping to get a cab before 10 and she replied, “Oh, we can’t get you one til after ten.”  So if anyone is calling for a cab in Michigan tell them “Please send me a cab whenever the fu*k you feel like.”

Watched Cloud Atlas later, thanks to a ride from the Stockton to my comedy Eaton (gotcha hoops fans!), Joe Pontillo, and here is the review I posted later that day:

Pre-show Joe and I went to Olive Garden (add another item to Joe Pontillo’s skill set – Olive Garden gift card at the ready).  I ate 9 breadsticks, which left me with garlic breath for the next 14 hours.  As we pulled out of the parking lot to head to the last show we of course saw a Buffalo Wild Wings a few storefronts down.  DAMN YOU WILD WINGS!!!!

Final show was pleasant, lightly attended and I performed in a semi-coma. From there we got in the car and got on the final drive of the week – Detroit to NYC.

Road Trip Day 5 – Truck Stop Sexual Predator?

My bladder picked an interesting time to age +/- 30 years because I could not stop pissing.  Joe continued his monster driving going 7 straight hours until he finally decided he needed to tap out for an hour at a random Pennsylvania rest stop.  I opted to walk inside and charge my phone and give Joe an hour of uninterrupted sleep.  But when I got in the rest stop it was just a small room with two bathrooms, a few plugs, three vending machines and no seats.  I was wearing an LL Bean field coat, a flannel shirt and a sporting a no sleep look in my eyes.  And it was dark outside.  So for the next hour I became the worst nightmare for approximately 17 travellers who at random times would come in and see a giant bi-racial dude sporting Sea Bass’s wardrobe sans trucker hat, standing in the corner of a rest stop doing absolutely nothing.

But much like my time as a youth int he Catholic Church, my look turned out to be unappealing to yet another stereotypical pocket of sexual deviants.  Joe removed his Roger Dorn sleeping eye mask when I came back to the car and we made our final 3 hours back to NYC.

Just in time for the beginning of Hurricane Sandy.  Always a happy ending with comedy.