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WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC

Communism finally wins!

Well, one Final Four team out in the 1st round (thanks Michigan State), so time to talk about baseball.

I apologize if you are reading this and you are not one of the 17 people following the WBC, but the games finally represent the success of Communism. Cuba, without one professional baseball player (because all of the defectors would be shot if they came back to play for Cuba), defeated the Dominican Republic, which boasted the greatest lineup of any baseball team ever, 3-1. To quote Austin Powers, “Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh comrade.”

To no one’s surprise Team USA was terrible, losing to Canada and Sudan I think. Apparently the steroid shipment was late for Team USA .

(side note: I am still not sure Barry Bonds is on ‘roids for one reason – his voice – he still sounds like a woman, or at best a female bodybuilder, when he talks).

But no one cares because Baseball is no longer our National Pastime. That is why the Dominicans and the Cubans and the Tanzanians are better than us at baseball. Football and basketball are both more popular (although after mighty Argentina beat us at hoops in the Olympics we are only left with football, which thankfully, is too complicated for other countires to try seriously at it).

So I am wondering what out new national pastime should be since baseball is done. Here are some suggestions:

1) Football – see above

2) Video Games – from drug dealers with too much spare time to kids trying to cultivate their ADD, video games might be a good choice

3) Sitting in coffee shops – apparently drinking coffee and eating pastries is not the purpose of Starbucks and the thousands of hipster coffee shops. No, actually they give you a place to read, stretch out and stare and be stared at. And there’s never a seat available – apparently they get handed down from generation of self-important lit majors like Green Bay Packer tickets.

4) Blogging – fooling yourself into thinking that someone out there cares what you are thinking and will check a webiste repeatedly to see if you have new thoughts.

Any other ideas for national pastimes?

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