Valentine’s Day: Maybe The Worst Movie Ever Made

If you have been to a movie recently you have probably seen a preview for “Valentine’s Day,” one of the most trite, shameless and cliche pieces of crap ever produced.  Now I have not seen the film, but let’s put it in perspective:

They could have called this movie "Open Mic Comedy" for all the mediocre talent they have stuffed into it.

1) The preview features “I Gotta Feelin'” by the Black Eyed Peas.  The Black Eyed Peas have made a fortune by shamelessly producing song after song that beg to be anthems.  It is one thing if a song becomes an anthem (Welcome to the Jungle as an example), but when you write songs with the intent of forcing them as “Summer songs” or “New Year’s Eve songs” or “Bar Mitzvah songs” then you are no more an artist than someone who composes commercial jingles.  In fact you are worse because commercial jingles make no pretense about what they are.   So bad move Valentine’s Day.

2) The star studded cast of Valentine’s Day is a who’s who of overrated people.  Jaime Foxx – your career highlights are Wanda from In Living Color and a glorified impression in Ray.  Other than that your performances are lifeless as your mechanized singing.  Taylor Lautner – I am supposed to believe that this kid is in a heterosexual relationship with Taylor Swift in the movie or real life?  Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the next generation Tom Cruise, but with less charisma and talent.  Unless he is sucking Taylor Swift’s twig and berries in the movie I don’t buy it.  The list goes on and on (literally the supply of mediocre talent is bordering on endless), but it really just looks like the cast of the 2016 season of Dancing With The Stars.

3) The name of the movie.  Like a Black Eyed Peas song this movie, if it gains any success will lay claim to the “official movie of Valentine’s Day.”  They couldn’t have thought of something better?  If you go see this movie on Valentine’s Day do your self a favor and drive off a bridge on the way home.

Like the U.S military reaching out to former enemies in Iraq to secure peace I have actually offered to see Dear John with my girlfriend as a way of ensuring that I do not need to see Valentine’s Day.  Dear John is a Nicholas Sparks movie starring Channing Tatum so this is no small sacrifice. 

Nicholas Sparks, Channing Tatum and my balls in a vice are my Valentine's Day plans.

Ok, that’s it for today.  Now I am off to see Extraordinary Measures.  See, anything, even cliche medical dramas with over-the-hill actors, seems palatable after the Valentine’s Day preview.

2 COMMENTS
  • That guy you met once a long time ago

    Wait, you haven’t even seen this movie? I stand by this review regardless, because it advises me to do myself a favor and drive off a bridge.

  • Tara

    Awful! Awful! Awful!

    Just saw this movie, and the script was even WORSE than I imagined! But teenage girls will probably like it.

Comments are closed.