Tyler Perry Presents J-L’s 3 Day Trip with Dad

Taking a much needed break from not getting booking e-mails replied to, I have ventured an hour north of the city to accompany my father on a three day mini-vacation to Bear Mountain, NY.  Being that he is 82 years old and not getting around very well the trip represents a feasible way for him to escape the apartment and get a bit of nature.  It also gives my Mom a three day break, or at least time to workshop some material before my parents’ next argument.  But with my Dad’s memory resembling the guy in Memento, his gait to the bathroom resembling Beyoncé’s single ladies dance in 1/10000th the speed and his countenance resembling a near-bald, older Morgan Freeman (and me looking like me) I think this trip would make for a great movie comedy script.  However, with the two stars of the movie being 75% black I am not sure I should call Judd Apatow just yet.  That said, I think I can get Tyler Perry interested.

There would be no shortage of older black actors he could cast as my Dad, though I am guessing I would also be replaced also, probably by a darker, more muscular man since Tyler Perry loves cross dressing and casting extremely muscular black men in his movies.  But in no way should his intense embrace of Christian values, love of cross-dressing and admiration of extremely muscular black men indicate anything other than a healthy heterosexuality in accordance with the Lord’s wishes.  So I am out of the movie and I am thinking a desperate Louis Gossett Jr. and an available Boris Kodjoe will play my father and me, respectively, in Tyler Perry’s 3 Day Trip with Dad.  Here are the potential sources of humor that actually have happened combined with things that Tyler Perry could then add to the story and punch up with his trademark humor:

  • Arrive at Bear Mountain Inn, driven by older brother (played by Shemar Moore) who leaves me with words of wisdom and encouragement for my stay with Dad, demonstrating that he is the responsible and mature brother.
  • I act annoyed with my Dad, until I see that the front desk woman at the Inn is a striking 5’11” blonde (only the latter part of this is true, but for humor’s sake the first part would happen in the Perry script and for some unexplainable reason the woman at the front desk would be an evil character who would try and drive an emotional wedge between my father and I during a 50 hour trip)
  • The cleaning lady has not cleaned the room yet when we arrive (true). But instead of an apologetic Latin woman coming to clean the room, it would be a light-skinned attractive black woman coming to clean the room who would give me sass that I would find off-putting, but intriguing at the same time.
  • On a walk with my Dad, he continues to ask me questions of unbelieveable vagueness – “who is the man from the movie who sang the song?” or this one which occurred yesterday during a conversation about MSNBC political pundits, “Who is the quarterback for the Knicks who had knee surgery?” (Answer after many “what the hell could you be talking about”‘s – Derek Jeter)
  • A running joke throughout the trip would be my character (with a French name – my father calls me Jean-Louis, unless he mockingly calls me J-L) being confused as a young stud (because I am not readily apparent as my father’s son) accompanying an old man that people believe is a South American (think Pele Brazilian) millionaire on vacation in America keeping his side proclivities hidden.  That leads to many hilarious awkward, mistaken gay encounters.
  • My character and my Dad would then have a big argument which would lead to the devilish blonde sleeping with me. I would realize she never liked me (all within a 50 hour trip) and would then make amends with my father.  I would also pledge to be a good man to the pretty maid and all would seem good and morally right, even if a tad rushed.
  • Right before the closing credits I will go to the doctor and get diagnosed as HIV positive.  The lesson – don’t sleep with mean white women and don’t get into too many accidental gay encounters.  No advance screenings of the film will be available to critics.

Well there it is, so I will continue to take notes in the final day and half of the trip and someone get me Tyler Perry’s contact info.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!  THIS WEEK’S EPISODE WAS A GREAT ONE ABOUT DAVE CHAPPELLE.

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