Results are in: They’re all idiots (or at least unelectable).

I remember the Election of 2000. It was the first time I would vote in a presidential race and I was excited. I was a big fan of Al Gore and could not see how a Special Olympian from Texas/Connecticut would beat him. However, I was also in college and managed to read a newspaper once every 10 days so I was not as in tune as I should have been to what the country was apparently inhaling.

I even remember my political science professor taking a poll of the class and I proudly and confidently raised my hand twice when asked whether Al Gore would win the popular and/or the electoral vote.

Well I was in for a rude awakening when competent leadership lost out to “one of the guys.” (On a side note, since when is a hard line born again Christian “just one of the guys?”)

So with interest I tuned in to MSNBC last night to watch some of the Republican Debate, which turned into a contest for who was most interested in a threesome with God and Ronald Reagan.

All my family kept saying to me was that I should get into politics after watching this based on the quality of candidates. Unfortunately I would still have a tougher time because I am a Democrat and would be facing a tougher field of candidates.

As for as the Republicans let’s start with Mitt Romney. The former governor of Massachusetts, handsome, with Arnold Schwarzenegger-like hair, Charlize Theron-orange tan, a voice that could melt butter and an absolute joke. I am not one for superficiality when electing a president, but in his case I will make an exception. I cannot take a President who looks like he belongs on a Warner Brothers lot. I would always feel like I was watching a movie: “Now playing the role of the President of the United States, two-time Golden Globe winner Mitt Romney.

Superficiality also rules out former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. Really? President HUCKABEE? And he, along with two other candidates, doesn’t believe in Evolution. As I often tell people who tell me that they don’t believe in the death penalty, “No, no it exists.” Now in the case of the death penalty you can be against it and try to abolish it, but evolution is much more stubborn.

Next – John McCain. I know he was a POW and suffered great physical trauma, but when he gets to waiving those alligator arms I feel like I am watching a Jim Henson production from the 1970s entitled “Muppets Take On Old Politicians”

Sam Brownback, another one of Evolution’s enemies (in his defense he is from Kansas, which may have less evidence of evolution than other places) and all I can say is a man who looks like a 3 way cross of Joe Piscopo, Greg Brady and Mr. Furley (Don Knotts) will never be the leader of the free world.

Tommy Thompson, former governor of Wisconsin, is unelectable because he thinks it is alright for an employer to fire someone just because they are gay and because he looks like a rubber faced villain from Dick Tracy.

The rest of the candidates are pretty much non-entities, other than “America’sth mayor,” Rudy Giuliani. Hopefully if he is elected he will have “America’s son of a prostitute” Bernard Kerik as his Vice President. Rudy Giuliani has come to the realization that outside of NY he is a Democrat, but within places like NY he is a man who wields power uncompromisingly, much like George W. I think a Giuliani administration would be more transparent than the current administration but would also included more “Fu-k you, this is what I am doing, deal with it” moments than the Bush regime (and that’s saying something). Moreover, we may have elected the one man capable of evoking 9/11 more than George W. Bush.

So after surveying the field I realize that none of these men can be elected president. Once the Democrats win in the 2008 Election I expect there to be a big push to amend the Constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger can run for the presidency. That said, I have been wrong before on electability.

I think one of the toughest things to swallow with politics and why I may never get involved is because they seem to require, especially at local levels a combination of mediocrity and ass-kissing that makes me uncomfortable. Exceptional people in politics seem as rare as they do in every other profession and the old saying, the Cream Rises to the Top, has been disproved time and time again, most notably with our current president. So to answer all those e-mails and blog questions – no I am not running for President.

This weekend will be fun-filled for me. Game 7 of the Utah Jazz playoff series and Spider Man 3. Recaps will be given Monday.

Have a nice weekend.