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Road Comedy Recap: The Dennis Miller of Syracuse

This weekend found me in Syracuse, NY (always good when the road forces you to miss the jacked up prices of Valentine’s Day and just celebrate on Sidepiece Day (February 13) for more reasonable prices and easier to obtain reservations) entertaining the people of upstate New York from the confines of one of America’s largest malls.  The weekend would include movies, cheesecake, PF Chang’s, looking like a domestic terrorist in the mall and a visit from the former Governor of NY.  But most of all it would include me setting a new high in missed references by audience members, cementing my status as the beige, left-of-center Dennis Miller.  But as they say –  in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king, so please don’t perceive this as me unnecessarily taxing the minds of America.   When I ask a sold out crowd how many know who Quincy Jones is and only 15% clap (5% less than for his semi-famous daughter) you just start to feel like either you are out of touch or people are getting really dumb, OKAY BABE cha cha cha.  So without further adieu, from my writing room aboard another Amtrak, here’s the recap:

Valentine’s Day

After arriving at the Destiny Mall (where, based on all the neck tattoos I saw, the destiny is apparently unemployment) I went to PF Chang’s, despite my agreement with The Cheesecake Factory to brown bread and cheesecake myself to death every time there is one nearby.  I ate my beef & broccoli and then went to the club. Was predictably pretty packed for the V-Day.  My walk up music is “Warning” by Biggie, simply because it has a great opening 15 seconds before lyrics start.  However, I have made the mistake over the last few road gigs of thinking that Biggie is sort of culturally ubiquitous.  Well… he isn’t.  Actually  – let me cut to the chase. Here is a list of all pop culture references I made in my 5 sets and the corresponding level of acknowledgement by the crowd:

  • Biggie – an average of 3 people per show
  • Rashida Jones – 20% of crowd knew who she was
  • Quincy Jones – 15% (as a follow up to the low level of recognition of his far less accomplished and famous daughter)
  • Who Framed Roger Rabbit – 5 people (a reference to the crowd thinking they might die if they laugh)
  • Drake – 7%  (an allusion to “Started from the bottom now I’m here”)
  • Amistad – silence
  • Ike Turner – 3 people (referring to who might have owned my dog Cookie before I got her)
  • Chris Stapleton – 30% (comparing a guy with a big beard who was one of the people who acknowledged Drake to the popular country singer – I then admonished the upstate crowd that they were closer to Canada than Tennessee)
  • Air Bud – 50%

Most of my act is not references or analogies, but every year it feels like there are fewer and fewer consensus references (HOW THE FU*K DO YOU NOT KNOW QUINCY JONES??!!!*^@E@&@*), but even A Star Is Born jokes were falling on deaf ears a couple of weeks ago in Buffalo – the movie was a huge hit and nominated for 8 Oscars but you feel like you are mentioning a 1960s foreign film to half of these people!

Well the show went well enough – sold a lot of albums after the show and then celebrated a solitary Valentine’s Day as one should – by banging a piece of red velvet cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory (which may be the title of my next album – an R Kelly parody record – DEAR SYRACUSE R KELLY IS A SUCCESSFUL SINGER WHO IS ACCUSSED OF HEINOUS CRIMES AGAINST WOMEN AND GIRLS AND HE HAD A HUGE ALBUM CALLED THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY).

I don’t even care if it’s your time of the month Red Velvet Cheesecake #LoveWins

Friday

On Friday I left the hotel around 1130 for the Destiny Mall. I went to see the new Liam Neeson movie (if you like the 2nd season of Fargo and don’t mind that Liam Neeson once roamed the streets looking for black men to murder it is actually one of his best movies of recent vintage.  I also thought of a sketch – Liam Neeson shooting scenes for Schindler’s List and then during breaks in filming scouting places to hunt black men. Example:

Liam as Oskar Schindler:  We must give these people freedom! We must protect these people!

Director: And cut! Nice work Liam

(lighting goes David Fincher dark)

Liam Neeson: I am going to get those black bastards

Director: And can we take it from that later line one time actually

(lighting goes bright again)

LN: Sure.  These are people. Good people. And we cannot judge them based on what they look like or how they worship!

Director (tearing up): And cut! Wow – that was beautiful.

(lighting goes dark)

LN: Now. Where’s the best place to find a black bastard. I mean anyone with black skin. Doesn’t matter!

You get the point.

I then sat in various places in the Mall for an addition 5 hours, basically looking like I was scouting it for a terror attack, reading a book on Frederick Douglass (one of my fellow bi-racial Mt Rushmore Americans – Babe Ruth and Barack Obama are the other two).

The two shows went well in that I sold a lot of albums, but the crowds still felt weird.

Saturday

I woke up early on Saturday for no reason other than that Mother Nature apparently wants to accentuate my already sleepy eyes. I went to the Mall around 11 and went to see the first show of Happy Death Day 2U (the first one was surprisingly good; it stars a pretty chick who plays bitch really well and there’s like 1% of my DNA that still finds that attractive), but the sequel, though mildly enjoyable lacked some of the focus and bite of the first one.  I am supposed to see Alita tonight, but right now the best movie of the weekend is definitely the one starring the guy who hunted black people for sport back in the day.

I then spent another 5 hours sitting in the mall, had PF Chang’s for dinner again, read more about Freddy D and then went to the club to see a packed house for the first show. And they finally were the crowd I was hoping for. Still sort of dumb, but a great energy for comedy. Sold a bunch of albums and then got a piece of cheesecake from the Factory (Oreo – my arch nemesis and eventual cause of death).

The late show Saturday felt like it was “Bring Your Stripper To Work” Day. There were a lot of big heels and bigger, round breasts on display when the show was over (they were an OK crowd – pretty much like all of them except the Saturday early show) and as the audience was leaving a lot of the couples looked the same: White Guy with Suit (there was one black guy who looked like he was taking his stripper out for a date), earring and/or hair gel, and a woman who looked like she was in Jay Z’s Big Pimpin’ video but has now settled down in Syracuse to raise her family of breast implants in a conservative community.  To be honest is a smart move by a small market thot – if you go to LA you will look like a middle class housewife with a web cam show; if you go to Miami you will look like a grandmother with a web cam show, if you go to NYC you will look slightly trashy (though you are appreciated boo!) but in Syracuse you look like a porn queen who can have any Syracuse University assistant coach you choose! I call these women Giannis Antetoko-bimbos (SYRACUSE – GIANNIS ANTETOKOUNMPO IS AN MVP CANDIDATE IN THE NBA AND PLAYS IN MILWAUKEE SO IT IS A PUN ON HIS NAME AND ALSO AN ANALOGY TO HOW HE HAS THRIVED IN A SMALL MARKET). But even more notable on the final show of the week than the abundance of saline was the presence of former NY Governor David Patterson. I killed with him and his family. They came over after the show to tell me that I belong on SNL. But then they left without buying my album. You just can’t trust politicians!

Coming next Fall from A24 studios: The Feature and the Governor
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Road Comedy Recap – Syracuse, Greyhound and an Epilogue…

This weekend I was in Syracuse, NY performing at Wise Guys Comedy Club (actually, the club recently moved from Syracuse to a sleepy, store-less, almost organic life-less VILLAGE (not a big fancy place like a town) called Camillus.  I was performing Friday and Saturday nights.   It is worth noting that this was my first time performing at this venue since the New Year’s Eve roided up MMA massacre that occurred after the stroke of midnight on January 1, 2013 (read the full recap HERE).  The disturbing epilogue to that story is that the victim was convinced not to press charges by his wife who was/is friends with K-FedRoid’s girlfriend.  So good luck to the men and women of Syracuse knowing that that dude is free in your city.

But before I heard that bit of disturbing news I was taking Greyhound round trip for the gig.  Because it was a holiday weekend Amtrak was not allowing customers to use points for travel and jacked up their rates.  So instead it was too Greyhound, or as I call it, the Anti Olympics (because on every bus it looks like every nationality has sent their worst representative).  And I must take back some of the bad words I have said about Greyhound. Sure there was a flaming gay guy who shuffled in his Ugg boots to cut me on line and a wanna be tough guy rapping vulgar lyrics while sitting right behind two old ladies, but the bus was 20 minutes early to Syracuse AND was already a faster scheduled trip to Syracuse than the train and less than half the cost.

When I arrived I was driven to the Green Gate Inn, which as you can tell from the thumbnail picture above appears to be the site of several horror films.  It was a pleasant enough space, though I did not fully fit on the bed and the nearest Starbucks (a good sign of civilization in 2014 America) was over four miles away (the nearest IHOP was 14+ miles away I believe).  The Green Gate is actually a local pub where it appears Syracuse Basketball fans that were around when James Naismith invented basketball hang out.  My room was located above the pub.

The shows were both great. Sold several CDs and no official complaints were logged as far as I know.  And as a bonus, no roided up MMA wannabes showed up to beat up mild-mannered sweater wearing husbands.  But after Saturday’s show it was time to get on the 115 am Greyhound.  I decided better to be home as early as possible than get a fitful six hours sleep in a bed made for a smaller person.  And if you think Asian women are crafty at snatching up seats on the New York City Subway no matter what rule of civility they must ignore, you should see them work on the 115 am Greyhound from Syracuse to NYC!  As I got on the Greyhound (note to Greyhoud – leather seats, plus full of people equals no need to have the heat on full blast) I noticed no less than half a dozen tiny Asian women with face masks on (seriously, cut the sh*t Asians – Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets  was less narcissistic and delusional in his approach to personal health than Asian women) sleeping (or pretending to sleep) taking up both seats. One Asian – rude. Two Asian women – coincidence.  Three?  Trend. Six on the same bus?  A fu*king epidemic.  As a large person, the Asian woman is my ideal  bus seat companion because they rarely use their entire bus seat.

So all in all it was a productive weekend of comedy and Greyhound buses earned some points in my book. But their customers are still the Anti-Olympics.

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