Last night was the final show in Birmingham. I was very happy with my set and was hopeful that I would sell the five CDs I would need to cover overnight shipping of the CDs to Birmingham because I left them at home, unaware that Stardome customers tend to buy merchandise after shows. However, the nation’s second worst economy after Detroit and not headlining were two factors working against me. I sold zero so had a net loss of $50 on the CDs. Must remember my CDs next time so my comedy career does not become a Ponzi scheme where I am the only victim.
For a good show you want everyone to laugh and have a good time – like a 2008 Obama rally. However, I am thinking that to sell merchandise it helps to be be more 1996 Clinton or 2004 George Bush – anger some people so that the people who really like you in the crowd will rally to you even stronger, in the form of CD/DVD purchases in my case.
I will miss you Birmingham, but we will always have di-k in the ass jokes.
Overall I had a really good time in Alabama. Thanks to everyone at the Stardome, Matt Mitchell, Tim Pulnik, Reno Collier and the comedy fans of Birmingham. Also thanks to the people on the highway who did not hit me with their cars as I sprinted across the highway a few times a day to do kill time at Chipotle and the Galleria.
Yesterday was a really good day. I sent out my first round of petitions for bookings, read a little, finally made it to the gym for a good workout and ate healthy. It was Saturday so I expected the best show of the week. I would give Tuesday, Thursday and Friday thumbs up with only Wednesday being sort of dead for me. Feeling good I went to the club ready to kick ass. Then the wheels sort of fell off.
I gave the sound guy my iPod so he could play Sexy Back for me (like Church and the Democratic party women are my largest fan demographic has been women down here I figured I’d get them in a happy mood with some Timberlake). Well as an omen of bad things to come, the sound guy managed to hit something wrong and play an incredibly awkward slow jam.
So my first set of jokes were all going well, despite two tables to my left that literally did not stop talking during the show from start to finish. Then I lost the crowd on two jokes that I did not expect to lose them on.
“I’m Catholic – any Catholics out there? (woo from about 10% of the crowd) Well, I should be honest I am half Catholic – devout Catholic from the waist up, complete atheist from the waist down. (lots of delayed laughter). I actually went to confession recently, where you tell the priest all the bad sh*t you’ve done. In movies they always use the screen so the priest doesn’t see you face to face. But there is a face to face option that I prefer because I like to high five the priest after the really awesome sins. But this priest kept pressing me, “Son, are those all your sins, are those all your sins and I had to tell him, well father, what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas.” I’ll admit this is a B joke, but it got a combination of confusion and silence as if I had just advocated blow jobs from 6 year old boys.
Prison rape joke – biggest laugh I got on this was when I said “My anal virginity is the only thing keeping me from committing half a dozen felonies. But there was a general unease during this joke (that has consistently done well for me for 4 years), which made me feel like I had suddenly been transported to Folsom Prison to be the opening act for Johnny Cash.
After those two bits which took about 3 minutes total I lost larger portion of the crowd (most of whom must have been encouraged by the 2-3 tables that did not stop talking). My difficulty is that I do not know how to deal with people disturbing the show – my only response is “WILL YOU SHUT THE FU-K UP!!!” which will help you lose the rest of the crowd. What I wanted to say to the few tables (infer what you will) was “Do I look like a movie?… No, then why are you talking?”
Then as the chatter built I could feel myself getting antsy. Then as I went into my closing bit on half black people and Obama, something happened that has not happened since the massacre at Medgar Evers College for me over 2 years ago. I started getting booed. All it takes is a few cowardly tables out 400 people to ruin the show and for the first time my Obama impression did the comedic equivalent of blowing a save. It was about 40/40 in closing shows on a high note until last night, regardless of what kind of set I was having. Sometimes those Southern manners are great, but sometimes you need a self-policing NYC audience that will tell a heckler to shut the fu-k up so a comic doesn’t have to.
I then got a Bronx cheer as I was leaving, to which I just smiled. I have never felt more deflated after a show. I literally felt like falling asleep in the Green Room because I had no energy. I had no interest in going out to sell merchandise, but I had to, because if I don’t sell CDs/DVDs, the comedy terrorists win.
So I went out there and literally stared down at least one person I knew was talking. Not surprisingly, he wanted no part of a face-to-face encounter. But then one guy came up to me and said – “You were great. Don’t worry I got it.” Then I realized he was a black man dating a white women, so I joked with him that he just liked me for personal reasons not humor. Then two people came out and bought my CD/DVD, so that was cool. Bringing me to do or die tonight – sell 5 or else…
I handed out several business cards (never forcing on people) after the show and then as I approached the emcee’s card (he’s my ride around town) I noticed two of my cards on the rain soaked ground. Fantastic.
Between congratulating me on a show and 20 paces to the parking lot these two people said, "Hey, you know what? On second thought, fu-k this guy."
Tonight is the last night in Birmingham. Have to kill it.
Last night was an interesting night at The Stardome. It was a chatty crowd, which can often spell doom for a comedy show. And for part of the show I felt doomed. In a room of 425 patrons it takes a lot of people to make it feel like you are killing, but only a few chatty tables to ruin it. But I got through the set and thought I did fairly well. However I did not want to sell merchadise after the show. I had a great set and crowd on Thursday and sold a big donut.
When you are trying to sell merchandise after a show and people are avoiding you you feel like an ugly prostitute: sacrificing your dignity and people still aren’t interested in what you are selling. I think that is why I feel bad for some of the ugly whores on the HBO series Cathouse when they don’t get picked for a “party,”it’s like insult to injurious STDs.
So I was not going to sell CDs/DVDs during the headliner’s set some 15 year old kid came up to me and said, “You were really good.” And like Adrian saying to Rocky in Rocky II, “WIN!!!!!” I decided to swallow my pride and stand with some CD/DVDs.
One of the first people out said to me “That crowd was stupid and talked to much. Everyone who paid attention thought you were great.” That felt good, and then a miracle happened – I started selling stuff. 8 in total – not quite Platinum, but the most I’ve ever sold after a show (and bringing me 7 away from the magic number of 15 sold). I also received several R-rated compliments, which made me feel less like a comedian and more like a man walking by an all-female construction crew (possible porn plot?).
So I am hoping tonight’s show is better, which at the rate this week has been going would mean bigger laughs, more CD/DVDs sold and probably autographing cleavage. Woo hoo!
Last night’s show felt like a breakthrough. It was a really fun crowd and I felt sharper than the previous two nights. And that was a good thing because I had CD/DVDs to sell, so having a strong performance I hoped would set the stage for some decent sales. Turns out I was wrong, not to say that I could not have yielded other benefits from my strong performance/muscle t-shirt. After the show it was clear that I genuinely had a better chance of scoring a threesome (emcee put it at better than 50/50 based on the suggestiveness) after the show than selling a CD (and posed the fleeting hypothetical to myself – if offered a threesome and you reject one and hook up with the other, do they cancel each other out in terms of relationship culpability). Perhaps this is an odd complaint, but when one is settled and happy in their female companionship situation and looking to advance their career, CD sales are more important (somewhere a past or current member of the Williams College hockey team just involuntary shouted “FAG” and has no idea why). Right now the hottest thing a chick could do right now is buy my CD and then e-mail me telling me it is awesome.
After the show I went out with the emcee and two of his friends, one of whom is a drummer in a band. The guy resembles a cross between Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue (the look he was hoping for) and Adam Lambert (the look he is not going for). We went to see another band, an 80s-90s cover band at a bar/club that just opened. The funniest thing about the band that was playing was that their bass player was a dead ringer for Johnny Depp (he probably does not have any luck with women – except maybe for his ex-girlfriend who appeared in Playboy who was at the show), which is why his band refers to him as Depp. The catch is that he looks exactly like Pirates of the Caribbean Johnny Depp (the look he is going for). I am not kidding – I am very sad that I did not have my camera to prove it.
The bar was having a special – $15 cover for free beer all night. Another interesting thing about Birmingham, from my limited experience, is the women. The women are either stunning to look at or stun you with their apparently considerable appreciation of food. There seems to be very little middle ground. Except maybe for the mildly attractive woman who had a large cursive “69” tattooed on the small of her back.
My favorite part of the evening (possibly even more so than having a strong set) was that the emcee, myself, Nikki Lambert and Captain Jack Sparrow went out to eat after the show. Keep in mind I thought a few suggestive compliments after a show made me feel slightly rock star-ish, albeit a rock star having a hard time pushing merchandise. One of the two rock guys’ bands opened for Candlebox and Hinder (two bands who have each had one viable hit – the comedic equivalent of saying I opened for Gallagher on the road and the bitches loved the fruit smashing!). Here is a sample of some quotes that they offered:
“That was such a bad threesome.”
“That guy’s girl came on our bus and blew so and so.”
This quick sample indicates that even up and coming or aspiring or just decent musicians can live rock star fairy tales. When you can rate your threesomes comparatively you are living in a different, probably clinic-filled visit world than most people I know. I then jokingly added, “Yeah, there was this one time my girlfriend came to my show and she thought I was really good so we did it back at my apartment and then snuggled.”
Night 3 in Birmingham definitely the most interesting and fun. But now just 3 nights left to sell at least 15 CD/DVDs. Perhaps if I offer cuddles free of charge with every purchase I will do better.
Sequels are often worse than the original, even if excellent (soshut up Godfather II fans). Last night at the Stardome was no different. The difficulty is that for Tuesday and Wednesday shows the club sends out like of promotional invites for things like birthdays so that crowds are there for free comedy, not necessarily because they are devotees of the particular comedian(s). On Tuesday it did not matter – it was a rock solid crowd that laughed their asses off.
Last night it was a tougher crowd – I kept making segments of the crowd laugh at different things, but only a few times felt like I had the whole crowd. Some lessons I learned that may be helpful for comedians:
Good anal sex jokes are universally funny in the South, even for a tougher crowd.
If you are a tall, relatively fit comic do not put jokes about obesity close to the front of your set. It will make the audience that fries their oreos, snickers bars, salads, etc. not like you as much. The joke that really lost them was when I said: “Big and Tall Stores treat tall and fat like one big group of circus freaks. The store had jeans with 30 inch inseam and 56 inch waists? The only thing that should come in that size for humans is a casket because you are not long for this Earth with those dimensions.” Not appreciated.
In a room of 400+ people, you need a lot of people laughing. 50 people dying of laughter on one joke may seem good, but when 350 people are just smiling or frowning it sounds like silence.
So I would rate the overall feel for myself a C+. The three comics (myself, headliner Tim Pulnik and emcee Matt Mitchell) then headed to Hooters after. I continued to amaze them by not drinking, but having a piece of chocolate cake (I have decided my rap name would be German Chocolate), which Hooters should really be publicizing over their wings. We were then treated to a story by our waitress about the time a fellow waitress attacked her in the bathroom and beat the sh*t out of her because she slept with her man. I just got up in my chair and started shouting “JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!”
Tonight I open for Reno Collier, who, among other things, has been the national opener for Larry The Cable Guy. The good news is that means the crowds will almost definitely be consistent in their tastes. The bad news is I may have to wear a flannel shirt with no sleeves.
And tonight begins my need to sell at least 15 CDs by Sunday night. Seriously it will be funny/tragic if I don’t.
So yesterday was my first day in Birmingham, Alabama. Big plane to Charlotte. Tiny plane to Birmingham. I have noticed that the little planes that I am forced to take to smaller cities are always piloted by guys who look like they just left a boy band. My guess is that you have to be old and experienced to fly a big plane and that younger pilots get their wings (yeah pun) on the little planes. The problem is that the little planes are much scarier. I just envision these two bros in the cockpit high-fiving each other and talking about tag teaming chicks when they get to Birmingham while the turbulence is causing me to soil myself.
Also, even the flight attendant seems to be half-assing the small planes. The big planes usually have two women and one gay dude, to show that they care about service and style, and they are always in uniform. On little planes, like yesterday, the flight attendant was basically in sweats and a USAir t-shirt.
The club has a car service pick me up, which made me feel like quite the baller. I checked into the Courtyard where I am staying which is conveniently located about an eight minute walk from the Stardome Comedy Club. The only problem is that I have to sprint across what is basically a highway to get there.
The show last night was fantastic. I thought I had a very good, but not great set, but was truly surprised by Birmingham comedy fans. They laughed at anal sex, 9/11 analogies and even cheered for Obama, which I asked them not to. Fortunately one older woman was nice enough to balance it out by saying, “he’s stupid.” I think she was talking about Obama. I think tonight will be great (sadly I often take one night to get used to a new room).
But the venue is amazing. 425 people in stadium-style seating – and it was packed on a Tuesday night! The only drawback was that the most common look-alike for me (see my bio pie chart on my website) from people last night was Vin Diesel. And many people wanted pictures with me based solely on my height. But other than that great start to the week.
Funny future storyline here is that I will HAVE to sell at least 15 dvds/cds before I leave. I will let you know Monday if I did it.
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