Blog

Super Bowl Preview: Battle of the (Potential) Inspirational Sports…

I generally save this blog for stories of comedy struggles, comedy complaints and the occasional defense of President Obama or Lebron James.  But, as a huge fan of movies and sports, I cannot help but see the amazing potential for inspirational sports movies out of this coming Sunday’s Super Bowl XLIX (that is 49 in letters apparently).  If just one of the teams in the Super Bowl had made the game it would be enough to inspire a Disney movie 20 years from now, but both the Seattle Seahawks AND the New England Patriots provide blueprints for at least  half a dozen new sports movies.  So here are a few I thought some screenwriters should get working on ASAP:

The Man Behind The Sweatshirt – Bill Bellichek is one of the greatest coaches in NFL History. And he has a secret that could ruin his career.  He has a thing for extremely handsome quarterbacks (this was inspired by a bit on Adam Carolla’s show last week).  Everyone knows Tom Brady.  But how about his back up quarterback Jimmy Garappolo?  Matt Damon and a beefed up Zac Efron to co-star? But imagine the Oscar worthy performance of coaching brilliance and unrequited love that someone like Brendan Gleeson could turn in as Bill Bellichek.

 

Alien and Predator – This movie would focus on the Christian robot of quarterback humility and cliches Russell Wilson and his relationship with Richard Sherman, Stanford grad and wearer of hairstyle from 1987’s Predator.  Tag line for the movie: “One plays offense… the other is offensive. But together they might just win it all!”

 

The Rejects – This movie would be a traditional sports movie, focusing on all of the Seattle Seahawks, many of whom were low round draft picks and the goofy white savior coach who believed in them (and basically let them do whatever they want), Pete Carroll.

 

The Unnatural – This would be a movie focused on 5th Round pick Kam Chancellor who thanks to supplements would become a safety the size of a linebacker leading the terrific secondary.  This movie would almost follow a Stand and Deliver (inspiration, but not a sports movie) where about 2/3 of the way through the movie he would fail a drug test… but then eat the drug tester so he could continue playing.

 

Crotch and Gronk – In the spirit of movies like Radio, not only do crowds like inspirational movies about special needs people, but so do the Oscars.  And in this Super Bowl we have not one, but two people with prodigious talent and prodigious special neediness. Marshawn Lynch can run through a brick wall, but enjoys touching himself in public and has difficulty speaking to reporters.  Rob Gronkowski, statistically the greatest tight end in NFL History is possibly the dumbest happy go-lucky man in the NFL. Just imagine the comedic possibilities when his coach asked how many concussions he had after failing the concussion protocol and Gronk answers “None. I am just not very good at tests.”

 

 

The Anti Sports Movie – Yes this would be the hipster, alt title to the movie and it would focus on the New England Patriots (based on a brilliant comedic bit by a comedian named J-L Cauvin).  Sports movies always provide us certain templates – e.g. white guy saves a bunch of black guys who work hard and don’t have a chance because of racism and/or lack of resources.  But how about a movie about an angry white coach who makes heroes out of small white guys in a league full of formerly poor black guys?  And they are led by the least likely (and least likable) sports movie hero of all time – a pretty man named Tom who wears Uggs, hair plugs and is married to a super model.   Possible break out comedy hit of 2020.

 

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Blog

Top 10 Teams Likely to Frame Players for Murder

The Aaron Hernandez saga has gripped the sports world and has almost made some people realize that, even if Lebron James is still the worst human being alive for leaving Cleveland, there are other athletes who are almost as bad.  Aaron “Not one murder, not two murders, not three murders…” Hernandez has raised the football player/murderer game to a whole new level.  Rae Carruth and Ray Lewis were merely Magic and Bird to Hernandez’ Jordan (for this analogy OJ will be Kareem Abdul-Jabbar).  As the stories and details roll in, let us not forget that the Patriots cut Aaron Hernandez, which I am sure sent shock waves through the fantasy football community.  This got me thinking, what other teams might see the murder-charge-as-way-to-cut-player way out of some bad situations?  So here are my (relatively East Coast centric, I don’t know much about hockey contracts, etc.) top ten teams likely to frame a player for murder list.  Enjoy!

1. NY Yankees – A-Rod.  At this point the Yankee fan base and organization has turned on him so hard that they would be willing to believe this.  Plus his contract might come up in the 2016 Presidential Election ahead of social security in terms of saddling the nation with long term debt.  Good news is Yankee Stadium is just a few blocks from my old stomping ground – the Bronx Criminal Court (or the Bronx Hall of Justice as it is actually called-  not sure which 9 year old or NYC comic book-loving comedian won the naming rights).

2. NY Knicks – Amar’e Stoudemire.  His contract sucks. His knees suck.  And he is a nice guy which means Carmelo Anthony is constantly fearful that teammates will pass him the ball for shots.  Those three factors make Amar’e a prime candidate for set-up.  Now his recently discovered Jewish roots might get him a family discount on some top notch legal defense work, but by the end of a trial he might be in a wheelchair anyway.

3. Cleveland Cavaliers – Delonte West.  Watching Lebron James win a second title reminds the Cavs of 2010 when Lebron magically forgot how to play basketball.  The big rumor was that Delonte West banged Lebron’s mother.  So instead of blaming “The Decision” blame “The Ejaculation.” Besides, as a tattooed, shotgun-wielding, bi-polar pro athlete, Delonte West makes the perfect target.  Hell, if you prove he is mentally retarded and in Texas or in Georgia they might execute him!

4. Boston Bruins -Tuukka Rask and Zdeno Chara .  A disappointing Finals for Chara and a crushing 17 seconds by Rask make these two the Bill Buckners of their time.  So expect a murder of Chara to be pinned on Rask or they may just go the murder -suicide route.  Rask, disappointed by Chara’s defense offs Chara, but then feels guilty and offs himself.

5. Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo.  Secretly Jerry Jones knows he messed up putting so much faith in Romo, but he cannot admit failure.  Instead, pin a murder on him and cut him right away. Simple.  Save face (not literally – all the plastic surgery has ruined that for Jones) and get rid of Romo at the same time.

6. Los Angeles Angels – Josh Hamilton.  I’m thinking a vehicular manslaughter (try to get Hamilton behind the wheel and claim a relapse to substance abuse) or you just throw a criminally negligent homicide at him next time he throws a ball to a fan who dives for it and dies.  Otherwise Rangers will be stuck with his horrible contract and the next A-Rod.

7. Phoenix Mercury – Britney Griner.  Forbes lists a WNBA franchise as slightly less valuable than a Subway franchise, but assuming the Mercury have insurance on Griner, pinning a murder charge on her might trigger a provision that yields far better financial results than a giving a bunch of day camps free tickets to WNBA games.

8. NY Mets – Jason Bay. Sure he is off the team, but the Mets are a sad franchise and probably still harbor ill will against Bay who stunk up Queens.  Besides Bay is Canadian I believe so maybe you can mix in some enemy combatant charges along with a murder charge and just know that he will disappear forever.

9.  Brooklyn Nets – Joe Johnson.  With a Russian owner I would simply call this move Eastern Conference Promises.  Nets Owner, Mikhail Prokhorov, knows where the bodies are buried and to free up cap space to get the Nets into a top 3 seed to challenge Miami he will need to pin one of those bodies on Joe Johnson.

10. Charlotte Bobcats – Entire Team.  Michael Jordan is the meanest man in sports and probably looks at Aaron Hernandez’s growing body count the way he watches Lebron collect Finals trophies: “Nice start, but not close.”  So with a horrible team what is stopping Jordan from pulling a move out of Unbreakable and sending the whole team plane down.  “They used to call me Air Jordan…”

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!