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Righteous Prick 2014 Heroes Nominees (half way point)

With 2014 halfway over (apparently time flies whether you are having fun or merely trekking the wasteland of comedy drudgery) and a few weeks on the road about to offer me numerous opportunities to share comedy stories I thought today would be a good day to offer some early possibilities for 2014 Righteous Prick Heroes (like CNN Heroes except unlike doing good works of charity or humanitarianism, these people have just entertained me).  So here are your first batch, and it is a diverse batch with two Latinos, two Asians and someone who will give me diabetes:

1) Luis Suarez – the Uruguayan star player who sabotaged his own team’s chances (and his own legacy) at the World Cup by biting another player (his third career biting infraction I believe).  If there is one thing this blogger/podcaster/comedian believes in it is sabotaging one’s own talent through questionable decisions.

2) Mendez – Watching season 2 of Orange is the New Black on Netflix this weekend I was struck by how much more nudity, fingering and all around sexual horse play there was on this season.  It was giving me a True Blood-ish feeling, meaning I enjoyed the first season of True Blood. A lot.  Then I think marketing people got their hand on some stats and realized, hey – our fan base has a lot of women and gays so lets start upping the beefcake factor, the gratuitous sex and the campiness because we really want to solidify our base.  It is like the Tea Party – instead of sticking to your original principles you pander to a loud and critical base, which then makes the political process, or in this analogy, the show, suffer.  Well I was getting that feeling until Mendez showed back up.  The abusive, mustachioed prison guard only appeared in three episodes, but it was the highlight of the show for me and brought me back from the brink. Let’s hope (no spoilers) that he can make it back to play a big role in season three or else I may have to tap out.

3) Masuhiro Tanaka – In this season of Derek Jeter (the icy cool, bland, gives baseball memorabilia to hook ups, has his boys approach women for him at clubs, was obsessed with mariah Carey as a teen which would have made their dating really weird if he was not a famous baseball player Yankee – you know a real hero) I am glad that it is another Yankee that is stealing his spotlight.  Tanaka has been an absolute beast on the mound for the Yankees, even when he loses and I like that he arrived in NY on a 777, the rental of which cost $200,000 with his wife, dog and only a couple of advisers in a gesture whose hubris lands somewhere between the 2010 Miami Heat pep rally and Donald Trump architecture.  I love it.

4) Godzilla – Giant monster that literally burns bridges and creates hostile division among movie fans.  How could I not have him as a hero nominee?

5) The guy who brought girl scout cookies to crumbs – My favorite cookie is probably the Samoa.  One of the foods most responsible for my weight gain over the last 5 years the Crumbs cupcake.  Well in a move that rivals the pairing up of DeNiro and Pacino in Heat, they are now selling Crumbs Girl Scout cookies.  They come in at a cool 950 calories each, so as expected I only eat two per sitting.

6) George RR Martin – There were hard feelings after “The Mountain and the Viper” episode of Game of Thrones, as exhibited by this video I made, but after deeper reflection I have to offer the highest level of respect to a man willing to continuously anger and destroy fans on a season-by-season basis.  Not since Drago yelled to the Russian crowd “I DO THIS FOR ME. FOR ME!” has a hero turned on his own fans so harshly.

7) The Guy Who Does The Sound Effects for Tyrant on FX – I do not know if Tyrant is going to be the next great show on television, but it is clear that FX is preparing to challenge AMC for the #2 cable quality spot behind HBO.  They just had Fargo, which for my money was far superior to True Detective and possibly the best show this year, they have The Americans and they are also premiering a 10pm Sunday show in July called The Strain, from Guillermo del Toro, which signals to me that with Mad Men ending soon, The Walking Dead ending soon (I think they said 5 seasons, but maybe they dont want to end that cash cow) and Breaking Bad already done FX is ready to move into the Sunday prime time level.  With all that preamble, the pilot of Tryant was fantastic.  And the singular moment for me was when the lead character slaps the sh*t out of his son.  Whoever did the sound effects for the double slap deserves an Emmy because it sounded like a thunderclap in a storm. Ridiculous? Yes.  Excellent? Double yes.

8 ) The People Who Made Fargo on FX – As I already mentioned – the 10 episodes of this show can only be rivaled (within the qualifying Emmy period) by Season 4 of Game of Thrones.  Better than the final 8 of Breaking Bad. Better than True Detective.

9) Lebron James – Just like he is always a top MVP candidate, he is always a top nominee for an RPH of the year.  By opting out of his contract (and the rest of the Miami Heat following suit) he has opened the door for the Heat to add more firepower in needed areas (like point guard, interior defense and the assassination of Dwyane Wade).  What I hope more than anything, including success in my own career, is that if they sign someone of quality (sorry World Cup has me calling things quality), BESIDES Carmelo Anthony, that they all come out in another pep rally and it simply says “Fu*k Y’all” in big bright letters behind them. They are going to hate anyway – might

10) J-L Cauvin – duh.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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The Role of Mark Teixera Will Be Played by…

Monday’s blog was such a comprehensive diatribe on the pitfalls and borderline corruption permeating stand up comedy that today I am happy to take a break from long-windedness.  In today’s post I am sharing a video that my buddy, sometimes road companion and baseball fan Joe Pontillo made. I play Mark Teixera, who I don’t really resemble, but the keys to the part were that the person be equal parts apathetic and mean.  When my agent got the call for the role I asked how much it paid and after some very tense negotiations I agreed to a one-way train ticket to Valley Stream on the Long Island RR.  Not to brag about my acting ability, but in the sketch (which is for comedy fans who like baseball) I am actually wearing a Robinson Cano jersey, but because of my Meisner technique I was able to channel the spirit of Mark Teixera and make the audience forget I was in a Cano jersey.  Also, one last note, realizing that Teixera has a horse’s mouth I borrowed a comedy technique Jim Carrey utilized to play Vera De Milo on In Living Color in the 1990s, known as the “horse laugh.”  I hope you enjoy the sketch and the finely honed instrument that is my acting craft.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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The Blueprint 46: How To Ruin Careers of Athletes;…

Fresh off winning MVP in the World Baseball Classic, Robinson Cano has made a blockbuster move changing management from Scott Boras, baseball’s super agent, to Roc Nation, an entertainment agency affiliated with rapper Jay Z, that is getting into sports management.  The immediate concern here is that the last high profile rapper to enter the sports management game was Master P, who got Ricky Williams to sign a horrible contract with the New Orleans Saints.  That contract was almost entirely incentive based, which was quite fair, and also quite stupid when no one else in the league was as bound to incentives as Williams.  Williams then went on to become a weird, marijuana loving dude who occasionally played football at a high (and proficient) level.

But rest assured, Jay Z is no Master P.  Master P was actually a decent basketball player.  Besides Jay Z claims that he made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee, which apparently impressed Cano enough to make a horrible business decision, much to the chagrin of Derek Jeter, who believed he had made the Yankee hat more famous than Jay Z.  Typically an agent’s job is to make you more famous in your field, not to claim that he is bigger than you in your chosen field, but that is why Jay Z is great and surely about to change the game!

Jay Z has announced that he intends to become a certified agent, while Cano is now officially certifiable.

Cano has said, in the last year of his contract with the Yankees and surely heading towards a big payday as one of baseball’s superstars, that he wants to take a more active role in his endeavors on and off the field.  This should be music to the ears of all 30 major league baseball teams.  What would you rather do – sign an athlete going into a huge contract who is singularly focused on his craft, or a guy who is looking to open up all off the field endeavors?  Like Dwight Howard, but with a less marketable smile, smaller shoulders and a thick Dominican accent!  This movie roles and championship rings are practically writing and minting themselves!

As a former lawyer, former athlete and current entertainer to dozens of people nationwide, I have put my skill set to work and come up with the list of career choices and opportunities that Agent Z will most likely be developing for client Cano. Enjoy:

  1. Cano will be encouraged to sign with the Brooklyn Dodgers.  After all, if Jackie Robinson listened to Jay Z, according to all the commercials for 42, then why woudln’t Jay Z send his first big client back to Brooklyn!
  2. Cano will record a new Salsa album on Jay Z’s new Latin label Yay-Z records. It will go plantain.
  3. After Deron Williams suffers a knee injury, Jay Z will encourage Cano and the Brooklyn Nets to a agree to a 3 year, $10 million dollar deal to play point guard.
  4. Jay Z will secure a 50% discount off of all merchandise at the Barclays Center Fan Store for Cano
  5. In Cano’s contract he will have exclusive naming rights for Beyonce’s second child.
  6. Cano will re-sign with the Yankees only if Jay Z’s Empire State of Mind replaces New York, New York.  That is if Brooklyn does not sign him first.
  7. Cano’s contract will stipulate that Cano will never be brought up to any Nas’ songs, nor will Nas ever be played at Yankee Stadium.
  8. Stipulated in Cano’s new contract is that all Yankee hats must be worn slightly to the side and must, at all times, have a New Era sticker on the brim.
  9. Jay Z will receive a modest 45% of all of Cano’s earnings.
  10. Cano will be featured on Jay Z’s new album cover called The Blueprint 46: How To Ruin Athletes.

Cano can be expected to have career lows in batting average, RBI and focus starting in 2014.  At which point he will start negotiating with Justin Timberlake’s new management company.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes

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Some Thoughts & Questions on Derek Jeter’s Wedding

Since I have nothing substantive or critical to say today (to quote Curly from City Slickers, “Day ain’t over yet.”) I began the day ruminating on the announced nuptials of Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly (formerly of Friday Night Lights, now will be know as “wife of Derek Jeter”).

First question, is A Rod going to be invited?  And will he attempt to either interrupt the vows, the first dance or give an unrequested toast?  Or will A Rod, a la the 1985 HBO daytime classic Just One Of The Guys, reveal before the wedding that he is a woman and is in love with Jeter, prompting Jeter to cry out,”Where the hell do you come off having tits?”

Second, is Tim Riggins going to show up to the wedding drunk?

Third, along the Friday Night Lights theme again, are the going t have W. G. Snuffy Walden do  the music for the wedding?  He has penned the scores to Friday Night Lights and the West Wing and he has a funny name so I thought it would be cool.

Fourth, I assume Jeter has undergone significant STD testing.  If only for the bacteria carried by Rachel Uchitel.  Don’t want to write out Lyla Garrrity because she has gonnorhea (write her out because she is annoying, but not because of sexually transmitted diseases).

Fifth will they finally stop showing Jeter’s parents on television during games like he is some bright eyed 19 year old new to the city and start showing the roster of all the metaphorical soil he has tilled since coming to NYC?

Sixth, does this also mean that Jeter can no longer be our society’s new standard for moral leadership since he banged hundreds of women while not being married (seriously this is the bar we’ve been left with)?  Now that he is married I assume the Tiger watch will be on and the TMZ mentality of our culture will be waiting to see him slip up.  Which will once again leave Obama as my girlfriend’s only reassurance that half black dudes can be trusted in relationships.

Seventh, does Joe Torre sit with the Steinbrenners at the wedding?  Awkward.

Eighth – title for Minka Kelly’s memoir -“Right Place, Right Time: How To Marry A Millionaire Athlete  When You Look Pretty And His Dick Is Tired Of Fu-king Everyone.”  The foreword could be written by Khloe Kardashian’s ass.

Good luck Derek and Minka, in all seriousness I am pretty confident you will make it.*

*Make it = 5 years of marriage.

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Boston: Less Than A Feeling

This weekend I headed up to that city known for its charm, its Patriotism and its resistance to integration efforts.  That’s right it was of to Boston, for what would be the first headlining gig I have gotten from a comedy club – Tommy’s Comedy Lounge.  If I ever see the check or cash from the gig I will be sure to frame it, like Scrooge McDuck’s first dime.

The answer for the jeopardy question: When was the first time J-L headlined at a comedy club? We will also accept, when was the last time J-L headlined a comedy club?
The answer for the jeopardy question: When was the first time J-L headlined at a comedy club? We will also accept, when was the last time J-L headlined a comedy club?

Some of the highlights:

1) Booker told me he thought I was awesome and had no idea all the sh*t I brought because he has only seen me in 5 minute spots at the Boston Comedy Festival.  That felt nice.   And then reminded me I’ve never made the Boston Festival Finals.  Fu-k.

2) Friday’s show was awesome and a lot of fun – great crowd, great tape.

3) Yankees won Game 3 while I was in Boston.

Some of the low lights:

1) 8 audience members on Saturday’s show.  Granted it was Halloween, baseball playoffs were on and it was raining, but the fact that I could not have done a bringer in NYC and I was headlining was sort of embarrassing.  Thankfully the crowd was really good, despite their small numbers.

Lesbian bar across the street from Tommy's Comedy Lounge proved a much more popular destination than my shows.
Lesbian bar across the street from Tommy's Comedy Lounge proved a much more popular destination than my shows.

2) I saw Paranormal Activity and then could not sleep very well Saturday night.  The movie was quite creepy, but what made my experience more creepy was that I was staying at the College Club of Boston, an affiliate of the Williams Club.  The room rates were very reasonable, but the place was a quiet townhouse with creaky wooden floors, lots of old paintings and rooms that looked like Bill Compton could have lived in them when he was actually alive.  In other words I was pretty sure a demon was haunting me and was fu-king with my sleep.  And my comedy career.

My room in Boston. Seems more appropriate for tea with women in 1798 than for solitary self-loathing in 2009.
My room in Boston. Seems more appropriate for tea with women in 1798 than for solitary self-loathing in 2009.

3) While eating one of the worst hamburgers of all time at a restaurant called Rock Bottom in Boston (named after either Dwayne Johnson’s WWF finishing move or my career) I saw a mouse run across the floor.  Kind of like the obvious symbolism of the rat in the iconic Boston-set film The Departed, the mouse in my experience was Martin Scorsese’s cosmic and obvious way of telling me that comedy is like a rat race, but smaller and more insignificant.

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Orlando Magic

Just got back from Orlando (wedding and a trip to Universal Studios).  A few things I learned and confirmed this weekend.

JetBlue is a fantastic airline.  The leg room, unlimited snacks and television are all great.  The old European bitch sitting near me with her poodle was the only drawback.  She got into it with a flight attendant about placing the dog underneath the seat (it was a small one), to which she proclaimed, “I travel to Europe all the time with the dog,” as if the flight attendant was supposed to reply, “Oh, you travel often… and to EUROPE, welllllll I did not know – excuse me and my provincial sensibilities.”  People should not be able to bring dogs onto an airplane unless they are blind.   At one point, as the dog started whimpering I almost shouted, “Somebody get these motherfu-kin’ dogs off my motherfu-kin’ plane.”

Caricature drawings are interesting experiences.  I had one drawn of me at Universal Studios.  As people walk by you know they are judging.  They are saying one of two things:

  1. Damn!  – that dude is fu-ked up looking and she is drawing all of it or
  2. That artist sucks and that dude sitting right there is getting ripped off.

Fortunately I think it came out well (resembling me, but funnier looking).  However, it is the first time I feel like instead of Obama-Adam Sandler my combo has come out to look like Billy Zane mixed with Milton Berle.  Enjoy:

Billy Zane's skull, Milton Berle's mouth and Jay Leno's chin
Billy Zane’s skull, Milton Berle’s mouth and Jay Leno’s chin

So this week has a lot of promise.  Tonight is my first trip to Yankee stadium and the season finale of 24 (can it possibly suck any more?), Tuesday more Laker basketball to hate and The American Idol finals to enjoy (Lambert has been the star all season and must win) and then Thursday is Terminator Salvation.  Stay tuned. Or stay whatever it is when you read stuff.