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The End Of Madness

Last night I was eliminated in the 2nd Round of March Comedy Madness at Comix.  Congrats to Alex Grubard who beat me.  And thanks to my girlfriend who listened to a tirade worthy of David Mamet last night on the phone afterwards.  I don’t actually mind comedy contests too much, despite how frustrating they can be, but they have this amazing effect on me, like a catalyst, setting off a violent emotional reaction that forces me to re-examine why I do comedy.  Last night, other than a bitter need to prove myself, an answer was very hard to come up with.

Good luck to the rest of the competitors.

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March Madness

This Saturday, while filming The Blind Side 2 trailer, comedian Nick Cobb paid me a rather odd compliment: “When are you going to update your blog? I have been checking every day and no update.  Your blog gives me comfort, knowing that no matter how angry I am about comedy, there’s always at least one person who is angrier.”

It’s true I sort of slacked off on the blog posts in February, primarily because I try to write only when I have either a funny idea or something I want to express and February just did not inspire much.  Another reason was I was playing far too much God of War.  Well, March should be quite different.

First off I will be competing in Comix’ March Comedy Madness, which gives me a 63/64 chance of being disappointed.  This tournament used to be held at Caroline’s, but Caroline’s decided to host a different tournament called “Final Four,” which I think will be a similar format.  I opted to do only the Comix tournament for two reasons. One is that I did not have to audition since I made the Final Four last year.  And second, the last time I showed up for an open call at Caroline’s I waited 5 hours, was then told I did not have to audition and then was never given a spot I was told I was getting (that’s known as the worst of all worlds).  And I still have not gotten an email response to a politely worded email requesting an explanation.  So in other words, Comix was the default winner for not having treated me like a part time Wal-Mart employee (like battered spouses, comedians set very low thresholds for appreciation by comedy clubs).

It will be an uphill battle at Comix (starting March 10th) mainly because it is almost impossible for me to get people to come see a show of min anymore (crowd determines winner) and because lacking a beard, a disheveled wardrobe, jokes thick with non sequiturs and inside references, as well as an accent or universal circle-jerk approval from sycophantic comedy websites and Time Out NY, I realize that I may not have the success I have had in previous years.

March will also provide an opportunity for me to audition for Last Comic Standing.  Sadly, this one I actually have more hope for simply because the potential reward is too big to ignore (it’s like the lotto).  So I will audition for that and most likely write a recap on the website.  All in all March promises to give me more than enough vitriol to provide you with a good read.

How’s that Nick?

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Headed to Motown

No, not San Francisco.  I’m going to Detroit.

Tomorrow I fly off to Detroit for a one night engagement at the Detroit International Comedy Festival – this is the second year they are having it, but they are not sure if they will have a third, not because the comedy is not popular, but because the city may not exist.  I have enough money in the bank to buy three averaged priced homes in Detroit and I am a severely underemployed comic.

I have already decided that I will get on stage in a black robe carrying a scythe (i.e. Grim Reaper ya dumbass), which is currently the second scariest image to the city after a free market Republican. 

I do enjoy the title of the Festival – “International Comedy Festival.”  Sort of like the way Subway declared their “$5 footlong promotion” “Famous” after about two days of commercials.  I guess it is “international” or “famous” if there is a banner saying it is.

My flight gets in about 5 hours before my show so I am tempted to go to 8 Mile and seek out a rap battle, except that I am only half-white (thus lowering my underdog status) and I went to a private school (thus eliminating any secret weapons I could drop in the finals of a rap battle).  If you have not seen 8 Mile ignore this paragraph.

I am figuring out what jokes to tell tomorrow and I am pretty sure I will spare them the sad tale of a law firm attorney who was laid off with lots of money in the bank and who is now pursuing his passion of stand up comedy.  Doesn’t really compare to “my great grandfather helped build this town, I’m 4th generation at General Motors and now my whole way of life is fu-ked.”  Compared to them, I might as well be getting a manicure and asking for a soy latte if I gripe about my employment story, which I will probably be doing, but do not need to rub it in their face.

So wish me luck and then I fly back into NYC for the 2nd Round of March Comedy Madness.  9:30 pm Wednesday at Caroline’s.

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March Madness Recap – Round 1

There were 32 matches last night, each lasting two minutes (1 min per comic) with a minute in between for crowd voting.  I was in the 23rd match-up of the night at which point most of the crowd was sleeping.  One of the things I noted during the night was that many of the 64 comics competing would cheer loudly for comics they liked, which I thought was sort of bush league.  Actually I thought it was incredibly bush league. 

Here is a recap of my set:

Look at the size of this dude!  You know who else is a big dude?  Michelle Obama

Woman in crowd yells: That’s not nice

(ignoring comment) I am not saying she is too big, but Tyler Perry is rumored to be playing her in the biopic. 

At this point I was not getting too many laughs but I noticed a lot of stone-faced black people in the front few tables.  I only had about 40 seconds left, but if I had more time I would have said:

What’s the matter?  You can call Hillary or Laura Bush names, but no one can f-ck with Michelle Obama’s supersized hips and itty bitty titties?  And don’t act like the Tyler Perry line wasn’t funny.  I am pretty sure you’ve heard of him since black people make up 175% of his audience.

(my next line) President Obama is historic though.  I voted for him and it’s very historic – he just shattered MC Hammer’s record for most money spent by a black man in one day.

(very little reaction again)

(What I wanted to say) – Really not laughing at that one?  Maybe if I said white presidents and black presidents be spending money different and sh*t!

Fortunately the Obama impression saved the day and I moved on to the 2nd Round. 

After the show I celebrated with a hamburger at Smith and Wollensky’s grill, which apparently on Wednesday night is old men and Russian prostitute night from the looks of the crowd.  And there was a guy with a mullet.  Let the Madness begin.

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Comedy Scouting Report

Tonight begins the 3rd Annual March Comedy Madness at Caroline’s.  If it were a one-on-one hoops tournament, based on the comedians in it, I would be as much the favorite as the Connecticut women’s team is in the upcoming women’s tournament (yes colleges are still letting women play basketball).  However, it is a comedy tournament where you get 1 minute in the 1st round, 2 in the second, 3 in the 3rd round, 4 in the 4th round, 7 in the 5th round and 10 in the finals.  The winner gets a paid weekend hosting at the club and an appearance on an on-line show.  The 63 losers get to bitch about clubs not passing them.

Two years ago I lost to the eventual champion Julian McCullough in the Sweet 16 and last year I lost to the girlfriend of the eventual winner in the Elite 8.  So this year I am hoping to make it to the Final Four and lose to the college roommate of the eventual winner.

Show is at 9:30 pm at Caroline’s tonight.  Critics are already calling me the Blake Griffin of the tournament (big, scary and willing to dive into the stands to win).  Stay out of the front row people.  Here is a scouting report that ESPN released about me for the tournament:

“J-L is smart, but can tend to let anger and bitterness cloud his humor, but when they mix well together he can defeat anyone in the tournament.  Right now his go to move is the Obama impression which is pretty much unstoppable in a close game.  He has steady play from jokes about the legal profession and his racial background, but if he wants to get deep into the Tournament he is going to have to be willing to take big shots at his past relationships.  His comparison of his engagement to 9/11 has yet to fail (10-0 record going into March Comedy Madness), but the day it misses it will probably miss big.  Overall, a funny guy who can win, but at the end of the day is still a loser who writes about himself in third- person sports analogies.”

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The Good, the Bad and Watchmen

Some lists for the week.

The Good

  1. American Idol – A few weeks ago when they announced the Top 36 contestants I picked my Top 5. All 5 of my picks are in the Top 13.  https://jlcauvin.com/?p=622 So I guess I am actually on my list of good.  This show is good.  I constantly hate myself for feeling this way, but it is.
  2. March Comedy Madness at Caroline’s – 2 years ago I made the Sweet 16.  Last year I made the Elite 8.  After going through a broken up engagement and gaining a sick Obama impression I have done the equivalent of comedy performance enhancing drugs to try and win the thing.  1st round this Wednesday – check the calendar for info.  Note: this could be bumped to the bad list immediately upon me getting bounced from the tournament.
  3. HBO Sunday nights.  – Eastbound and Down is an absolutely great comedy. Flight of the Conchords has been hit and miss, but the last two episodes have been amazing.  And Big Love – a show whose first two seasons I watched on demand simply because there was nothing on television  last summer – is off the charts great this season.
  4. My Best Friend’s Girl – I ordered this movie on demand, making it the first time I had paid for anything featuring Dane Cook since a 2004 performance at Caroline’s.  It started out shaky, but I really enjoyed the movie.  Perhaps it was because my expectations were lower than Paul Blart: Mall Cop ( and even given those expectations, quite possibly the worst movie ever made), but if this had been his first movie instead of his 6th or 7th his film career might have a different trajectory. 
  5. The Utah Jazz – 11 wins in a row.  My favorite thing on Earth other than my own jokes is the Utah Jazz.

 

The Bad

  1. Rihanna and Chris Brown – I have harped on them enough, but this couple – the young black version of Michael and Kay Corleone in Godfather II – should both have their careers go up in flames.
  2. The Heartland Institute – their Conference on Climate Change in NYC over the next few days is and effort to show that global warming is either hoax or greatly exaggerated.  I wish there was a way to ensure that only them and like minded skeptics/non-believers of fact would die in the event of environmental catastrophe.  http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/09/science/earth/09climate.html?_r=1&ref=us
  3. 24 – The President is being held hostage.  Even for a far fetched show – this season sucks.  The only thing good related to this show will be my forthcoming spoof.

Watchmen

I saw this movie this weekend.  It was ok if you like movies. It was great if you like neon blue penis shots.