How Do You Know Your Career Is Stalled?

This weekend I featured at Magooby’s Joke House in Baltimore.  Some of the highlights:

  1. “My Private 9/11” is now 20/20 for killing (most in New York, but also in Detroit and Baltimore)- I keep expecting it to offend some crowd, but it keeps working.
  2. Only 2/3 of the crowd knows what pulling  “a Kobe” is, when referring to sexual proclivities.
  3. I got offered a spot this Saturday on a Baltimore radio station to discuss sports as President Obama (details forthcoming).
  4. I robbed four drug dealers.

But this trip could have been a massive failure if I had not built up tremendous mental strength in my 6 years doing comedy.  Because on Friday a friend of mine for 16 years, in an effort to possibly get me some stage time asked me a devastating question shortly before my first show of the weekend.  That question: “what’s your website so I can give the guy your info.”

This question has so many layers of disappointment in it.  The first being – here’s a hint – it’s my name, it’s on the bottom of my e-mails, on my myspace and facebook pages.  But beyond the “are you kidding me Derek?” Zoolander aspect of the question, there is a deeper, more troubling aspect to it.  That is the, if I am not marginally relevant to any of my friends, how can I expect to have any relevance to an actual comedy fan, question.  Because this scenario means that my friend either never visits my website or that my website is so banal to my friend that googling me to tell his friend my website is not worth his time or the time of his pentium processor.

I guess in comedy it’s sort of like Michael Corleone said.  Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.  Because at least your enemies know your website.


Anyone But The Lakers

The Utah Jazz crush me for the 22nd consecutive year.

Last night I watched the Los Angeles Lakers defeat the Utah Jazz in 5 games.  I wish it could have been to any team other than the Lakers.  And as the Jazz generally do, they did not give up and made a valiant comeback (down 22 in the 4th quarter, they cut the Lakers to 6 with 3 and a half minutes left).  But all that does is put crazy thoughts in my head like, “they may win!”

This is a franchising altering year for the Jazz – their owner has died, their longtime announcer has retired and Coach Jerry Sloan, the longest tenured Coach in professional sports is getting older and even crankier (although it was great seeing him go after the referee last night mouthing motherfu-ker as he got ejected – at least he still has some fire).

But this is about the need for someone other than the Lakers to win the NBA title.  I like Derek Fisher and Lamar Odom on the Lakers and that is it.  I am indifferent to Andrew Bynam.  I hate the rest of the team.  Let’s go through it:

Kobe Bryant – This blogger has a strong policy of not supporting anal rapists, regardless of how funny the reference of Kobe has made one of my jokes.

Pau Gasol– It is bad enough that he is missing an L on his first name, but he looks like a really tall homeless piece of Eurotrash.

Luke Walton – No one likes the rich kid who skates by on his father or parents’ wealth and/or Hall of Fame status and Luke Walton is no exception.  If his name was Luke Murphy he would be an assistant coach somewhere.

Trevor Ariza– Once again a firm blogger rule – can’t like people with neck tattoos.  And he is a former NY Knick, which, like herpes, is something that is never really gone.

Sasha Vujacic – Literally my least favorite person in the NBA.  I really think I would be tempted to sucker punch him if I ever saw him on the street.   Part of it is because he is a flopper and annoying, but part of it is that he has some unknown, but very unlikeable arua around him.

Laker fans  – I have a problem with Laker fans, especially those outside of LA.  I know I am a Jazz fan outside of Utah, but unlike Laker fans it would be difficult for someone to call me a fair-weather fan if my favorite team has never won a title and did not even make a finals appearance until my 10th year as a fan.

So now I must hope that someone, LeBron James most likely, can stop this team from claiming a title.  Good luck King James.

And yes I am very bitter about the Jazz losing.


Audition Week Over


Now a week off til the 30th birthday.


Going to keep this brief as I soak up some Sun after a stressful, but successful week in the world of struggling comedy.

Monday, as I wrote, I had an audition at Zanies in Chicago.  It went well and like all things in comedy that go well, I have no idea if I will ever work at the club.  I will keep my calendar posted if I get any news on that.

Tuesday was an audition at Gotham Comedy Club and I got some great feedback, from the person evaluating me, a former SNL star who did a guest spot, and from a potential groupie.

Finesse Mitchell (former SNL star) came up to me after my set and said, “I enjoyed that.”  That was nice that he came and told me that, but what I really enjoyed was watching the tape of the performance the next day and hearing his distinctive laugh over the crowd at the joke that can be summed up by one name, “Kobe.”

I was also approached by a girl after the show who I took for a fan of my comedy until she had a friend slip me her number as they were leaving.  Numerous problems with this.

  • I am spoken for.
  • In addition to her phone number she wrote: “Colombian and Puerto Rican”, “Thick and sexy”, and “volupcious” – which I believe is either a mispelling of voluptuous or how one velociraptor describes another velociraptor that it finds attractive.


I wanted to save the number and post in a comedy book, the way diners, barber shops and other small businesses post their first few dollar bills that they ever made, but I decided against it.

Wednesday was my audition for Live at Gotham (Comedy Central Show).  It was the third time I have auditioned for the show.  This was by far my best set of the three.  Even if I don’t get it I am actually really proud of the set I had.  So in a young career that has been marked by choking at numerous auditions it was good to go 3 for 3, even if I don’t see a dime (but I hope that’s not the case).

And if the week needed any more good news Matt Geraud was saved by Simon Cowell last night.  Even if he does not win (which unless Adam Lambert blows Simon Cowell on a live broadcast, he won’t) it is awesome to see a guy who is so un-Hollywood doing well on the show.

Unless there is big news to report I probably won’t write much until the eve of my 30th birthday (next Friday if you want to do any shopping).