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My Personal Episode of 24

Previously on J-L Cauvin’s 24:

  • I wrote a joke, archived on my blog on March 12, 2009, which I also posted to Twitter and Facebook several weeks before the March 12th blog.  The joke went: “I like Michelle Obama, but she’s pretty big.  I am not saying she’s too big, but Tyler Perry is rumored to be playing her in the biopic.”  Joke was received tepidly by liberal New york audiences, especially in the afterglow of President Obama’s inauguration.  Joke was praised with “LOL!!!!!!!” from a New Jersey based comic.
  • I got booked to emcee for two weeks at the Cleveland Improv.  In an effort to save money I booked my trip to Cleveland on Greyhound – a 12 hour bus trip departing at 5:00 am on January 28th.

The following took place between 9:00 pm January 27th and 9:00 pm January 28th (wooshy sound effects):

On my way home from a show on Wednesday I begin checking Facebook on my blackberry because I left a book at home and was bored on the M15 bus.  I read an update from one comedian, an in your face, Jim Norton-without-the-humor New Jersey comic, who made the above “LOL!!!” comment on my Michelle Obama joke almost a year ago.  His comment was roughly, “American Idol is over, now get ready for Obama and his wife Tyler Perry in ‘Madea Goes to the White House.'”

I commented back, “I take comedic credit, but not political credit for this joke.”  He replied, “I did not know you used this.  I guess great minds think alike.” I then became very angry. I emailed a friend of mine who then told me that he has recently worked with this comedian and that he told this joke on stage and that it seemed above his paygrade (my words).  The reason I am choosing not to name this comedian is because there are three possibilities as to why he has been using the joke:

  1. He outright stole it the day he saw me post it.
  2. He actually thought of it on his own (unlikely because wouldn’t he have said that when he posted his “LOL!!!!”
  3. He forgot where he heard it and months later thought that he thought of it.  This has happened to many honest comedians and because of this, I believe, remote possibility I do not want to tarnish his reputation beyond this blog.  However, if I ever hear of this individual using someone else’s joke the I will name names.  I hate joke stealing and I look at joke thieves the way porn stars look at sonograms: “This thing has to die.” (he may steal this joke because it’s in his wheel house – this is practically entrapment, but for his propensity for it – see above paragraphs)

So I had trouble sleeping that night because I was so angry, but I was able to follow the Utah Jazz win against Portland on my blackberry.

4:08

I wake up, drink a Muscle Milk (nutrients and meatheadedness), pack my third and final bag for Cleveland (I am not a prop comic, but I pack like I am) and head for Port Authority, which is the saddest place on Earth at 5 am.  Every sign in Port Authority indicating the Greyhound buses to Buffalo (where I would connect to the Cleveland bus) say “Gate 24.” So like any normal person I went to Gate 24 and waited. And waited. And waited.  I waited there with only one other person, which did not raise any red flags because IT’S 5 AM TO BUFFALO! Who else would be going besides a self-doubting comedian looking to save money and a chubby black man (the other guy).

At 541 am we went upstairs to find the only Greyhound clerk working and were told (as i we were stupid), “No that bus leaves at Gate 61 – it is gone.” Of course it’s gone – I should have ignored all the signs and simply guessed Gate 61!  I asked, since it was only a few minutes since the bus left, if she could call it back (after all what’s 5 minutes lost on a 12 hour bus ride) and her response was, “SIR, that bus has left.” I then contemplated going Book of Eli on this woman, but opted instead to murder my blackberry.  I only cracked the face of it, but it still works and has told all the other blackberries that it fell down the stairs at home.

8:48 AM

I book a train to BWI and a Southwest flight from BWI to Cleveland.  It only cost me a shade over $300, so there went my savings and half of my paycheck.  However, I plan on dusting off my diploma from law school and crafting a letter to Greyhound that will demand AT LEAST $300 dollars, probably in Greyhound vouchers, which will ensure more Greyhound trips and battered blackberry syndrome. What’s the colloquial definition of insanity again.

8:35 pm

At the Cleveland Improv I am working on terrible sleep, but a calmer frame of mind as I bring up the headliner.  Unfortunately the Improv had given me a large amount of announcements and the headliner then gave me several more giveaway/contest announcements at the last minute.  And like Married With Children’s Kelly Bundy I apparently could only keep 10 facts in my head, so once a new one went it, one went out.  This time the fact that went out was not an insignificant one: the headliner’s name.

His name is Alex Reymundo, or Redddddddddddymundo if you roll the r’s.  After delivering the announcements pretty flawlessly I then paused with what Lee, the booker called, “the greatest deer-in- the-headlights-look I’ve ever seen,” and after about 2.5 seconds said “ANDY RONALDO!”  Lee has already instructed most of the staff at the Improv to refer to Alex and Andy Ronaldo for the rest of the week.  Alex was very gracious about it, but let’s just say a repeat of this would be a disaster (like the last 5 seasons of 24).

If Fox were to market this day they would say, “This is going to be the longest day of J-L Cauvin’s life.”

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A Night of Ridiculousness

 

The New Yankee Stadium & The Season Finale of 24

 

PART I

Last night I was engaged in not one, but two events of gross excess.  I went to the new Yankee Stadium for the first time last night and was treated to the most gaudy piece of architecture south of Newport, Rhode Island.   I began my evening at the Hard Rock Cafe where a tasteful mix of Bronx natives and aspiring actors served me some decent food in a chaotic environment.  My plan for any future games will be to go to the Court Deli (as any good Bronx native/cost conscious human being should go – they have better french fries than the HRC anyway), but I wanted to soak up as much of the new amenities as I could on my first trip.

After the Hard Rock cafe I strolled around the stadium for about an hour burning off some of the 45,623 calories I had consumed (according to the helpful/guilt inducing calorie counts in the HRC menu) admiring all the amenities of the new stadium.  Here are a few:

  • Helpful greeters before the game and people directing you to the subway after the game.  Wow – when they expect a greater influx of rich people (given the ticket prices) they really go all out.  Sure, the charm is almost completely gone and it feel s a little like the manager of Chotchkie’s is running the Stadium (Office Space reference), but that is a small price to pay for the Roman Coliseum that is Yankee Stadium.  Did people not need help getting around or getting to the Stadium last year?
  • The sushi bar and farmer’s market stands – what would a baseball stadium be without these classic additions.  Take me out to the ball game, buy me some sushi and pomegranate…
  • There is a roped off bar in centerfield.  Because nothing says classic baseball than artificially pumped up exclusivity, privilege and status.  I assume wine bars and tapas bars are coming soon behind home plate, as well as some stylish new one word named frozen yogurt place – perhaps called “Juice.”
  • There are what appear to be at least 5 or 6 large stores dedicated to selling Yankees merchandise.  It is as if the Stadium is screaming, “WE NEED TO SELL A LOT OF STUFF TO MAKE A PROFIT.  OK THAT’S NOT TRUE, BUT WE FIGURED WE GOT TAX PAYERS TO PAY FOR A LOT OF THE STADIUM – NO NOT YOU D-BAGS FROM JERSEY, JUST YOU NEW YORKERS,  SO WE FIGURED WE COULD SQUEEZE MORE CASH OUT OF YOU.”
  • There is a small art gallery in the stadium, curator included.  See #2 and realize that I did not exaggerate nearly enough.
  • Forced nostalgia.  Everywhere you walked pre-game there was epic music playing and slow motion video every fifteen feet.  It is as if the Stadium is telling the Twitter/YouTube generation, “Don’t worry about forming your own memories or nostalgia, we are beating you over the head with sentimental sensory overload so that you don’t have to experience nostalgia, we’ll simply tell you what your nostalgia is.”
  • Energy Overload – I was told that the new Yankee Stadium has a significantly larger carbon footprint than the old one (the 1700″ HD flat screen probably has something to do with that).  The comparison is like the old stadium is the carbon equivalent of an old Asian woman with bound feet and the new Stadium is Shaquille O’Neal.

Other than those things the Stadium looks great and I saw a great game (Yankees won 7-6).  So if you like your baseball like you like your trophy wife, attractive, expensive and soulless I think we have found your stadium.

PART II

And if you like your television loud and absurd then I am sorry that 24’s 7thseason ended last night.   Rumor has it that Season 8 will be the most explosive ever.  In it the writers will have condensed 14 months worth of time into 24 hours, which people will still believe if the show continues to post incongruous times on screen.  Jack, who clearly survives at the end of Season 7, will have to stop terrorists who plan on destroying 350 nuclear warheads at 350 different locations around the world.  Unfortunately the only people who can help him are Tony Almeida, who makes a deal for immunity, ex-President Logan, who has been exiled somewhere and David Palmer whose head was blown off in Season 5, but is secretly still alive.  One bomb will go off only killing competent screen writers, but Kim Bauer will be kidnapped.  Jack will have to sacrifice his life to save Kim, but only after he tracks down the the cure to AIDS, rebuilds the World Trade Center and uncovers Jimmy Hoffa’s body.  But before all this can happen, Jack must be brought out of retirement because he is at peace with himself and regrets all the people he has murdered.   And in the final twist (7 minutes left in the season) Jack realizes he has been the bad guy the whole time and must torture himself and kill himself to stop the attack.  You heard it hear first – Season 8 will be the most explosive season ever!!!!

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It’s Undeniable – 24 Sucks

Last night I watched the second to last episode of the seventh season/day of 24.  It became official – this show is absolutely horrible.  The 14th plot twist in 22 hours was the most absurd.   I do not want to get into all the plot twists, but one this season was that Tony Almeida, a good guy for 5 seasons turns out to be the first quadruple agent in spy history (even the Naked Gun film series did not have absurdities like that).

Last night Kim Bauer, Jack’s daughter and the Natalie Holloway of prime time, is about to get kidnapped in the season finale, meaning that she will have been kidnapped every season she has appeared in the show.  I think the weirdest part of this kidnap plot is that the terrorists expected a bioweapon to explode killing thousands, thus marking the end of their plot, but as an insurance policy for their 5th failed attack  in 24 hours, they track Jack’s daughter, who just showed up in town less than 5 hours ago, to the airport by a guy who looks like Eddie Money.

The show also has abandonedthe 24 hour – real time approach last night when a bomb that was timed to 15 minutes actually lost 3 minutes during the course of the show.  I just need to say that if you are a person who watches this show and instead of rolling your eyes at the 37th plot twist in 42 minutes, goes, “Ohhhhhh sh*t!!!!” you are a fuc-ing retard.

I think it’s Ockham’s Razor that says the simplest explanation is often the right one.  On 24 the theory is: what ever is the most absurd possibility, past the point of being clever and just being plainly ridiculous and impossible within reason and the time constraints of the show is going to be what happens. And it will happenseven times during the season.

For a preview of Season 8 of this excrement – click the link below.

The Future of 24