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The 2011 J-L Cauvin Reader

With 2011 coming to a close I thought I would give fans, friends and new readers a Best of  2011 of my blogs.  I have divided them into 5 categories and the following blogs represent both my favorites and the ones that got by far the most web traffic.  The five categories are:

  1. The Comedy Business
  2. Road Gig Stories
  3. Politics
  4. Movies
  5. Sports

If you are a fan of the blog I’d appreciate you passing this along (or you can always pass along your favorite individual posts from within this blog) through Twitter and Facebook.  This is really a collection of mys best stuff so sending it to people could turn them into fans. Thanks again for reading.  2012 will be a big and new year for my on-line content and I hope you will:

  • become a fan of “Righteous Prick” on Facebook and
  • follow @RPrickPodcast on Twitter
  • Every Monday starting in January I will post my movie reviews to www.YouTube.com/JLMovieLife (subscribe today even though the page is not finished), and
  • look for my new podcast every Tuesday starting January 3rd on iTunes (Righteous Prick) and
  • and please continue to come to this blog on Wednesday and Fridays for new posts.

A picture of me reading makes sense since this post is caled the J-L Reader.THE COMEDY BUSINESS

  1. How To Fail In Comedy While Really Trying – A Breakdown of the Breakdown of the Traditional Path to Comedy Success (with an epic battle with “Bob Hellener” – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2304
  2. In Re Bob Hellener – Comedy hack and all around douche Dan Nainan is revealed to be the coward behind Bob Hellener – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2596
  3. Charlie Sheen – The Comedy America Deserves – A Breakdown of Charlie Sheen’s 2011 “Comedy Tour” – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2254
  4. Comedy One Hit Wonder – A self-depricating take on my career after 8 years – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2771
  5. A Tribute To Patrice O’Neal – A Eulogy For One of My Favorite Comedians – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=3099

ROAD GIGS

  1. The Best & Worst Fan Mail From Des Moines, Iowa – A Series of Fan/Love Letters From A Homophobic Self-Proclaimed Blow Job Queen (watch the video)- https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2210
  2. The Hills Have Eyes Wide Shut – A Swinger Party Overshadows My Show in Allentown, PA – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2165
  3. Cleveland Extremities – The Loss of Lebron James Apparently Caused An Unusually Large Number of Men in Cleveland to Masturbate in Public – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2665
  4. 30 Hour Train Ride From New Orleans to NYC – Of All The Train Rides I’ve Taken For Comedy, This Was The Most Epic – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2867

POLITICS & ECONOMICS

  1. Economics For Dummies – 9 months Before Occupy Wall Street I wrote this – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2178
  2. 3 Non Partisan Things America Should Do – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2742
  3. Occupy Wall Street – A Follow Up to #1 in light of the Occupy Wall Street Movement – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2987

MOVIES

  1. Review of Super 8 – I Expose JJ Abrams As Hollywood’s Bernie Madoff – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2537
  2. Someone Must Stop Adam Sandler – Title Speaks For Itself – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2710
  3. Return of the Planet of The Apes – My Favorite Movie of the Year (and a funny write up) – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2752

SPORTS

  1. The End Of The Diet Jordan Era – My Summary of Kobe Bryant’s Era as Diet Michael Jordan – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2412
Blog

The Mega San Antonio Recap

Sorry this recap is a bit late in arriving, but it was quite the epic journey.

Wednesday – The Arrival

When I arrived in San Antonio after two uneventful flights I was driven to the airport Holiday Inn.  I was nervous about the location (the areas around airports usually suck in my experience), but this was different.  Within walking distance: the comedy club, The  Cheesecake Factory, a Barnes & Noble, a Chick Fil A, a Best Buy, a Planet Fitness and Perfect 10 – a gentleman’s club.  I don’t think a hotel has ever been more perfectly located for a comedian’s needs.

The show the first night was pretty well attended.  A large percentage of the audience was an office having their Christmas party.  The office head honcho came up to me before (I was on the website as closing the Wednesday show) and said he liked my stuff on line, but because he had some older people he was wondering – and I interrupted him and said I would leave the F bombs out.  That was before the chatty military folk up front started interrupting me.

The show went well, except for the two tables of military up front (two dudes and one chick kept interrupting, even after I compared them to Billy Zane and the iceberg to my Titanic).  And I probably dropped 6 F bombs, far exceeding my promise of zero.  But everyone else gave me the same compliment after the show, “Great stuff and I wanted to kill those two tables,” which a few times came from guys who were also in the military.  I hope someone got a Code Red for talking through my show.

Thursday – Coyote Ugly and CD Sales

On Thursday I began my stretch of featuring when headliner Jeff Dye arrived.  Worked out at Planet Fitness – this is the “no judgment” gym.  You know what we need more of in gyms? Judgment. First – women, nothing says awful self esteem than walking into a Planet Fitness or a Curves – if these are the only gyms you feel comfortable in then just get an eating disorder – there is more dignity in it.  On the flip side, dudes who come to Planet Fitness with arrogance also need to go.  To the dude I saw with a gallon water jug – this is usually a douche move in a regular, judgment-filled gym, but in a Planet Fitness – unforgivable.  This should be a gym of convenience, not a gym where you hide your problems or strut like you own the place.

Anyway Thursday’s show was a great crowd, largely because the San Antonio Coyote Ugly was having their Christmas party. Now if I told you twenty scantily clad women in their 20s from Texas, with more tattoos collectively than the 2009 Denver Nuggets were at a comedy show you would probably say, “Yikes, that is going to be an awful show,” but nothing could be further from the truth.  Perhaps because of the semi-stripper nature of their job, they had a respect for performance and never made a peep except for laughter.

But the best moment was when a guy who had been at the show on Wednesday showed up again with his wife/girlfriend and two other friends, based solely on how strong I’d been on Wednesday.  No greater compliment in comedy than repeat business.

To cap a great first two day run I sold out of almost all my CDs on Wednesday and Thursday.  So of course I went to sleep that night angry that I did not bring more.  Glass is always half empty and broken with jagged edges to cut you for me.

Friday – The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema and Another Woman Calls Me A Fu*king Asshole

The highlight of Friday was unquestionably going to see Sherlock Holmes at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema.  This is the best theater I have ever been to.  You can order food and drink during the movie.  I know there are other places like this, but the menu was huge and the stuff I ordered was delicious.  The movie was ok, but I would see a terrible movie there just to go to the theater. Which I did the next day when I watched The Sitter with Jonah Hill.

The early show Friday was great, but the late show was dreary.  And there was a woman who would not shut up.  I gently insulted her and she playfully yelled, “I can take it!” She then called my sweater a Christmas sweater (it is Navy Blue – no patterns, design, anything – just blue) and then when she went to the bathroom I took about 40 seconds out of my routine to sarcastically beg her to come back until she left.  This must have pushed her over the edge because she said nothing the rest of the show.  However, when she and her party left towards the end of the headliner’s set, he asked where they were going and she replied, “You are fine, but the guy before you was a fu*king asshole!” I then started clapping from the back of the showroom.

Oddly enough I sold zero CDs after selling a ton the first two nights.  I then went home, watched the previews for pay per view porn films and fell asleep.

Saturday – The Stood Up Chick At The Stand Up Show

As I already mentioned I went to see The Sitter on Saturday and nothing else really happened.  The shows Saturday went great, both of them.  Weird thing transpired towards the end of the show.  An attractive woman approached me (normally it is  not the case, because I think women assume because I am the poor man’s Rock physically and the poor man’s Adam Sandler monetarily that I am fair game for their so so looking friend) at the bar outside the showroom as she was leaving the bathroom to go back into the showroom.  She said she thought I was really good and wanted to ask me a question.  When a question is prefaced like this it means only one thing, “Do I have a girlfriend?”  I replied yes, but like a pro she said, “Oh that must be really difficult travelling all the time.” I replied, “Sometimes, but fortunately I am not very successful so I am home more than I want to be.” She replied, “I got stood up tonight.” And I said, “Well that guy is an idiot – sorry to hear that.” She then left and went back into the showroom.

After the show I sold a few more CDs and then the stood up woman walked out. With her date.  Not that it would have made a difference, but what exactly was her plan?  Did she want a good rogering in the bathroom and then would claim that she just met this guy with twenty minutes left in the show?  Very weird and very awkward.

Sunday – No Chick Fil A & 1 CD left

Sunday’s crowd was the second smallest of the week, but the best overall.  Great great crowd and I sold my one remaining CD.  I think Philadelphia in May may have been the last time I felt this good after a week of comedy.  I had 6 great shows and one where I got called a fu*king asshole, which is a great way to sacrifice one show.  Ate Chick Fil A and cheesecake until my heart started hurting, and worked with some great comics and a great staff at LOL.

Epilogue

This was my last paid gig for 2011.  And looking at my 2012 calendar it appears the Mayans were talking about my career when then predicted the end of the world.  So off to the gym – time to start planning for my life after comedy, which apparently began two days ago.  Starting in January you can catch me on the Righteous Prick podcast on iTunes every Tuesday, J-L’s Movie Life movie review show on YouTube every Monday and on this blog every Wednesday and Friday.  Additionally, my new CD arrives in late January.  Thanks for a good year and for reading this blog and watching my comedy.

 

Blog

Golden Globe Breakdown

It should go without saying that I have some issues with today’s Golden Globe nominations.  We will keep this between the best picture and best televisions show categories.

 

Best Picture – Drama

The Descendants – agree, one of my favorite movies of the year.

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=3074

The Ides of March – agree, one of my favorites.

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2952

The Help – A good movie, but a best picture nominee?  Oh right, this year’s white guilt/white power entry (admittedly much better than The Blind Side).  Absolutely not a best pic nominee.

Moneyball – a good movie, went long though.  This is the “thank God they did not nominate Drive” slot.  I would not have nominated it, but it was solid for the most part.

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2915

War Horse – haven’t seen it yet. Not out yet.

Hugo – bored me to fu*king tears, but it is a movie by Martin Scorsese and is masturbation material for cinephiles.  Might be the most overrated movie of the year.  I fell asleep. Only the second time in my life that happened,

BESY DRAMA SNUBS – Thank God Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was not nominated (who knew the spy world was so fu*king dry and boring).  The only movie I really loved that is not nominated in this category was Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  I know it had no chance, but the movie was great (I thought it might have a shot at a District 9 type nomination)

Best Comedy Picture

This is the category that the Globes force every movie they want nominated into the category.

50/50 – one of my top 5 movies of the year up to this point.  Really good movie and very respectable choice

Bridesmaids – a good comedy, but in the year of “Females Can Be Funny” articles this is a no brainer. My only complaint on this one was that many of the jokes were over done (i.e. 4 punchlines – hilarious, 7 punchlines – diminishing returns). No beef with the nomination (though in my reivew you will see me bash the preview for Warrior, which turned out to be really good)

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2434

The Artist – will see this and will definitely win based on all the buzz

My Week With Marilyn – have not sen it. Will see it. Not a comedy or musical. Foreign press is stupid.

Midnight In Paris – a nice movie, but pales in comparison to Woody Allen’s bleaker views of humanity (it is no Annie Hall on the comedy scale and it is definitely no Crimes and Misdemeanors – my favorite Woody Allen flick).

SNUBS – Where the fu*k is Crazy Stupid Love?!!  My favorite comedy of the year.  Great heart, great comedy, great performances, not a dull moment.  One of the best movies of the year.

BEST TELEVISION DRAMA

Game of Thrones – second best show on television – damn right!

Boardwalk Empire – no problem here

Boss – this is the show with Kelsey Grammer on Starz.  No idea, but someone should penalize Kelsey Grammer for Frasier – the most overrated comedy of all time.  Apparently he plays a corrupt mayor with cancer – ahem I guess they won’t forget the best show with a guy with cancer, right? Or did they pick the wrong show with a terminally ill lead?

Homeland – everyone is masturbating to this not-quite-early 24 Showtime show.  A great premise but episodes have been hit and miss for me and Clare Danes is a shit actress (her bug eyes have been vying for an Emmy every second she is on camera).  The show is not bad, but I think people are a little too gaga for it.

American Horror Story – had no interest in this, but will catch up on it – I have heard good things.

SNUBS – Where the fu*k is Breaking Bad?  Golden Globes never nominated The Wire, so you are in good company BB.  The best show on television by an Usain Bolt margin.

BEST COMEDY SHOW

Enlightened – new HBO show – I will now do some serious On Demand watching to see if it is good

Modern Family – slipping, but still very funny – no problem

Episodes – GREAT – really really funny show on Showtime – good choice

Glee – seriously, get the fu*k out of my face – I’d gladly accept Louie in its place. 🙂

The New Girl – Zooey Deschanel is a pair of brown eyes from being homeless – I loved 500 Days of Summer so she has some credit in the bank with me, but the New Girl is not very good (the best episode by far was the pilot which had Damon Wayans Jr. – who then went to Happy Endings) – it feels like a hipster comic was asked to write a sitcom for CBS – that weird blend of quirky and crappy.  There are people who Hollywood have been inexplicably trying to make a star – one is Ryan Reynolds, two is the lead actor on Hawaii Five-O and the third is Zooey. Stop it.

SNUBS – Parks and Recreation, Two Broke Girls could and should replace Glee and The New Girl.   When Community is good it is great, but every third episode falls flat for me so not consistent enough.

TOMORROW CHECK OUT MY REVIEW OF THE NEW SHERLOCK HOLMES MOVIE AND THEN MONDAY I WILL RECAP MY ADVENTURES IN SAN ANTONIO.

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Minnesota Recap – Cold Weather, Warm Reception

My headlining stint was a rousing success at Joke Joint in Lilydale, MN (a few miles from St Paul – one of the twin cities, so Lilydale is like the chick that St Paul has sex with when Lilydale thinks it is actually having sex with Indianapolis).  Of course on this blog, the phrase “rousing success” is a relative term.  It means I had three really excellent shows, one decent one and one that was eh.

Joke Joint is a comedy condo club, meaning that you live in an apartment that the club owns or rents, versus a hotel.  But unlike most condos, the Joke Joint one was pretty damn cozy.  It features a full kitchen stocked with snacks (and tons of bottles of 5 Hour Energy – in case the headliner is a raging douchebag), a television and DVD player and two bedrooms – one for me and one for soon-to-be dead hookers.

Being a big walker and non-owner of a car I like when accommodations are near eating and shopping areas.  Well, the condo was a mere 1.7 miles from a Walmart/Panera Bread/etc. and considering that I once walked 4.1 miles each way in a suburb of Denver to see a movie each day, this was no problem.  Except that was Denver in springtime.  This was Minnesota in Winter (think Game of Thrones and how terrified those dues are of Winter).  Each walk would start with me having a penis and by the time I arrived at Panera Bread I was using the women’s bathroom and removing a finger dead from frost.

I managed to see one movie while in Minnesota.  The feature – a woman named Wendy – was given the unenviable task of chauffeuring me to and from the shows each night agreed to bring me along to the movie she was seeing with the two teenage daughters of a friend.  Of course this felt like some sort of set up.  I thought I was getting Silvio Berlusconi’d.  But something far more offensive was to happen. We went to see Hugo.

I was lukewarm on Hugo.  On the plus side it was directed by Mr. Eyebrows Martin Scorsese and has been receiving rave reviews.  On the downside I had no real fu*king interest in it.  But the critical mass was so good that I decided I wanted to see it.  Whoops.  Here in as concise a fashion as possible is my summary of Hugo:

  • Well acted
  • Boring
  • Really boring
  • Fell asleep boring (literally)
  • Nice looking movie
  • Takes place in Paris, every actor (both English and American so it was intentional) using British accents
  • Long
  • Too long
  • Never cared very much about the characters
  • Every revelation of past events that have led our characters to be the way they are fails to deliver as much significance – it is as if JJ Abrams decided to direct a boring family movie (and critics – please stop calling this a family film – no kid, let alone a kid from the ADD 21st century will enjoy this or have the patience for your ode to cinema)

But the point of this whole trip was not to see movies or experience shrinkage on an unprecedented level – it was to do comedy, or as I described it to the crowd to run a Ponzi scheme on myself.  And the crowds were really good.  The Thursday crowd and the two early Friday/Saturday crowds were great.  Enthusiastic, smart and great laughers.  The late show Friday was tough and featured a lot of Usain Bolts (this is what I call a person who sprints out of the showroom, for fear that even looking at me may force them to acknowledge my existence or buy a CD).  The Saturday late show was tough, but still a net positive.  Here is one of my favorite newer bits I dropped on the crowds:

So I managed to sell a few CDs, got a lot of laughs, avoided junk food at the airports (Midway one of the underrated airports in America – can’t beat Potbelly for airport food!), did not get arrested, did not die in a plane crash and immediately sent every penny I made to the credit card, phone and cable companies!  Comedy!  Thank you to the fellow comics, staff and audiences at Joke Joint.

Blog

Minnesota Journal Part I – Bet on Half-Black at…

A fun week (I hope) started yesterday as I flew from New York to Minneapolis via Chicago.  I am headlining the Joke Joint just outside of Minneapolis tonight through Saturday, but to sweeten the pot the booker for Joke Joint also booked me to headline the Black Bear Casino, a small, but nice casino located a mere 11,000 miles from Minneapolis.  The Black Bear show turned out to be a very pleasant surprise, but I am getting ahead of myself.

The Travel

I flew Southwest from LaGuardia to Midway to Minneapolis.  I always used to assume O’Hare was the better of the Chicago airports.  I just assumed Midway was a place where prisoners were transported and rats and abandoned animals fought for the  pleasure of waiting passengers.  Turns out Midway is nice.  First off, unlike O’Hare, I’ve never experienced awful delays at Midway and more importantly they have a Potbelly sandwich shop, which allows me to eat a large healthy turkey sandwich that I know tastes good, instead of my usual airport diet of $13 dollar half pound bags of peanut M & Ms and shame.

The flight from Midway to Minneapolis was uneventful.  But the earlier flight to Midway from NYC was much creepier, both because of my occasional urine spritzing when we travelled over a storm system and because of the people behind me.

Sitting behind me was a skinny, fairly attractive woman (she had a clear look of cu*tiness which made me instinctively downgrade her) in the window seat and a scruff looking guy about 12 years her senior sitting in the middle seat.  And for about 20 minutes before take off he just kept whispering words to her like “pussy,” “fu*k” and “bitch.” If she had been engaging him back I would have been less worried, but she just kept looking out the window.  Because I do not need any more reasons to feel nervous on a plane I just assumed he was a crazy person, probably not a terrorist, but possibly some sexual pervert who would make our flight awkward and possibly force it to be diverted.  But just be before I was about to push a call button she finally responded!

And for the next 45 minutes they spent cursing at each other (I think she may have fu*ked someone else, or she was a cu*t and he was angry and possibly crazy, probably because he had reached that point where a guy realizes he is with a hot chick, but he hates the fact that she is an awful person and resents her and himself for being in a vicious circle of cu*titude).  Then the lady tapped out of the argument by… wearing a sweater over her face for 30 minutes.  The guy then lifted it up and whispered something to her and then put a sweater or jacket over his head.  But he grew bored of this and left his seat and went several rows back for the last hour of the flight (possible ad campaign for Southwest’s open seating policy!).

When we finally arrived in Minneapolis I had a bit of a wait for my ride, so I ate a yogurt and blueberry parfait (I will not allow airports to destroy my fitness dammit) and the Marty showed up.  He is a young comic from Minneapolis who agreed to drive me the 19 hours back and forth to the Black Bear Casino in exchange for a guest spot and a room for the night at the casino.  Now that is dedication.

The ride was really only about two and a half hours, but what shocked me was that until we were about a mile from the casino I had not seen a single sign for the casino.  With that kind of reach I fully expected the casino to have at least 30 people in it (or however many immediate neighbors the casino has in the empty darkness that is Carlton, MN).  Turns out I was right.

The Show

So Marty and I walked into the casino and I could see that we had just increased the audience total by 20%.  We checked into our rooms, which were nice and luckily equipped with Nintendo 64 controllers, in case I found a time machine and want to invite 14 year old me to play some games.  After dropping my bags off I checked out the casino.  It is basically slot machines, a black jack table and the room for comedy/music.

When I walked in there were 4 people sitting (room seats probably 100-120) and 8 people at the bar with their backs to the stage watching hockey – I am in Canada basically.

As the show progressed more crowd came in which was nice, but I was still not sure of the crowd.  Especially when the following exchange occurred:

Emcee – “… Maybe Herman Cain should just wave the white flag”

Angry bar heckler: “As long as it is a black flag”

Emcee (slightly later) – “Herman Cain was found with a another woman!”

Angry bar heckler: “And her name was Ginger White – how ironic is that?”

Yes it is ironic if miscegenation laws are still on the books in Carlton, MN.  Otherwise it is not ironic UNLESS you are coming from a non-ironic stance of racism.  And the “black flag” comment was just dumb.

The it was time for me to go.

And the set actually turned out great.  Other than the guy who answered his ringing phone (if you are a man and you have a cell phone and it rings you are not a real man – vibrate or silence – save the rings and ring tones for women and Puerto Ricans on NYC buses) 8 feet from the stage. But I felt awesome during this show, with every minute surprising me.  I riffed about 30% of my set and all the material that I prepared worked.  I really felt like I had accomplished a victory.  Granted it was a moral victory.  And granted moral victories are usually the result of an actual loss, but I still felt good.  Sure I handed out only 5 cards and sold zero CDs, but the moral victory of not sucking (and even having a good set) in the middle of nowhere in front of a bunch of people that think Obama was born on Mars felt pretty good.  Sure I had to split my meal ticket with Marty (I won’t big time a guy who drove two and a half hours and pull the diva move of “This $14 meal card is for closers only!”), but it still felt good eating a prepackaged grilled chicken salad after a job well done.

The show taught me a valuable lesson – I was in a room of mostly conservative, some racist, white people in the middle of nowhere, but these people had what some liberal crowds and some conservative crowds don’t have – the ability to let go for the sake of a comedy show.  I insulted various members of the crowd and their town repeatedly in between bits.  Now they may not have known that Hawaii is a state, but they knew that when you come to a comedy show you come to laugh and have a good time.  So even though they may be beating their wives or committing hate crimes today, I am glad that they were a good audience last night.

Joke Joint tonight – spread the word to people.  Check back tomorrow for the movie of the week (if I can find a movie theater) and Monday for the full Minnesota recap.

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The Shows That Got Progressively Darker

This past weekend I was at the Brokerage Comedy Club in Bellmore, Long Island.  I had performed there once before and it would have been a very forgettable weekend for anyone who is not a grudge holding comedian with a great disdain for Long Island.  So I went to the Brokerage, post Thanksgiving, prepared for verbal warfare.  Turned out the shows went really well, although they sort of had a downward trajectory.

FRIDAY

The emcee was Meghan Hanley a young white woman bursting with smiles, and the headliner was Steve White, a black guy bursting with smiles, so I had a critical dual role in the show: I was meant to ease the crowd into a darker skin tone and to present a darker world view, in case the emcee and headliner gave them the perception that everything was OK.  And the crowds did a good job in easing me into a darker and darker mood.

Friday’s show went off without a hitch.  Really great reaction from the crowd, though more than one person approached me after the show to verify that my Dad was black (and not a clever comedy trick I use to talk about Haitian people). Oh Long Island!  You and your white flight Jews and Catholics!!!

SATURDAY

Saturday’s shows started great, and by started great I mean I was able to say approximately 40 words until some Italian Napoleon decided to interrupt my bit on Big and Tall Stores:

Napoleonzo – “Hey, my buddy is 6’7″!” pointing to his friend

Me – “Ok – cool.  Thanks.”

Napoleonzo – (Raising his hand to interrupt me) “So you are probably 6’5″ if you guys stand back to back” (because that is how you measure height – not by rulers apparently)

Me – “OK – Hey everyone I just got challenged to a height off by a friend of a guy!  (Pause) You know what Fuck that Joke!  No it had a punchline and everything, but it was made so much better by a dick interrupting to have a conversation.”

And herein lies the problem with being my size.  If I was 5’7″ dude I would be a snarky guy.  Instead as an angry looking 6’7″ no matter how sarcastic (or how right I am in complaining) nothing can halt comedy momentum like me attacking an audience member.

The show continued, mostly without a problem and the post show response was pleasant.  My favorite post show interaction was with a 52 year old divorced Mom who informed me that she felt like I was wasting so much potential (I told some bits about having been a lawyer).  She had a look of such sadness that it started to depress me.  And she was a divorced Mom attending an over 45 singles event at a comedy club!  As we talked it eventually turned out she was dragging me down because she was really projecting lost life opportunities of her own.  I then asked her if we had been engaged at some point, but it turns out we had not been.

The second show on Saturday was going really well, but about 16 minutes into my set some older drunk gentleman definitely said something disparaging in the corner.  Now the Brokerage is a small and cozy club so if you are talking in anything above a small whisper it is audible.  I looked at the guy and realized I was not good at dealing with hecklers.  The guy looked like a drunk Ted Kennedy and my instinct was to say, “Listen to me you ruddy, drunk Irish fuck – say something again and I’ll bury you at the bottom of a lake with your shit family you Ted Kennedy looking bag of shit.”  Of course my better angels tell me not to say that, but because my temper is so out of control, my better angel cannot come up with more acceptable ways of dealing with hecklers – it is either drop a nuclear bomb or say nothing.  Throw in the fact that I am the size of a defensive end and I am forced to just take it.

Post show though I still got lots of compliments, handshakes and the club paid me so it all ended well.  Thanks to everyone who came out, except for the friend of the tall guy and the Ted Kennedy looking guy.  I hope you both have horrible lives.

I am headlining a casino in the middle of Minnesota on Wednesday.  Then I am headlining the Joke Joint in St. Paul Thursday through Saturday.  See you there, no one that reads this blog!

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3 Major Projects

Sorry I have not been writing recently (have not even seen a movie this week!), but the good news is that I have some major things in the works so please stay updated.  Here’s the run down:

TOO BIG TO FAIL – this incredibly ironically titled CD will be released in the next month.  The actual tracks are all ready and now it is time to work on the CD artwork.  There will be a big Internet release event (where I want everyone to buy and/or review it on the same day) which I will amply promote/annoy you with.

LAWMAGEDDON TOUR – Me and my five amigos at www.ComediansAtLaw.com have been working really hard to put together our kick ass tour and we are excited to have booked several of the country’s top clubs.  If you are in one of these cities or even better a lawyer, law student or other person involved with the non-convict side of the law, please be sure to check out the site and follow us on Twitter (@ComediansAtLaw).

  • Feb 22 – DC Improv
  • Feb 29 – Zanies in Chicago
  • March 22 – Hollywood Improv
  • March 28 – Helium in Philadelphia
  • April 3 – Gotham Comedy Club
  • Boston – TBA

So obviously this is a major effort so any support you can provide will be greatly appreciated.  Tickets will go on sale soon.

MY NEW PODCAST – I am very excited about this podcast.  I know every other human being has a podcast, but I have worked for a while on developing a novel concept to mine.  I do not want to disclose too much, but it will be weekly beginning January 3rd (Tuesdays) and if you are a fan of my somewhat aggressive and argumentative style of writing and behaving then you will enjoy it for sure.

So next week I will be back to writing about various thins, but wanted you to know I am still busy with stuff.  Bye bye.

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Too Big To Fail – A Success

Well last night was the end of my 7 cities in 28 days “tour.”  It was by no means an official tour, but if it had been it would have been named “The 99 Percentile of Height” Tour or “The Slowly Killing My Parents” Tour.  Not going to lie it was fairly tiring.  But for all the ups and downs it ended on a high note last night in Philadelphia.  I recorded my third CD last night at Helium and we had a great turnout.  Thanks to everyone who came out, big thanks to people who spread the word and got strangers to attend and an even bigger thanks to people who randomly saw me in May at Helium and decided to come back again.  I appreciated it and you guys made it a really fun night.

I anticipate the CD being released in mid December.  I will harass all of you with that info when it becomes available.

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San Antonio Journal Part II – The Bad, The…

So San Antonio was interesting.  I’ve especially  enjoyed the t shirt stores.  One store had, among its t shirts in its front window, these three gems:

  • Texans Don’t Call 911
  • An Ahmed The Terrorist shirt (the dead terrorist puppet of Jeff Dunham, comedy icon)
  • “Occupy This” – a reflexive rejection of the Occupy Wall Street

Seeing this and then performing for 10 people on the first night Thursday had me feeling like this trip would be painful.  And I was sort of correct.  We probably averaged about 60 people per show (in a room that seats about 300 from the looks of it).  I sold exactly zero CDs and received only about 8 post show handshakes (my new measure of post show success).  I did not eat a free meal at the club because I could not bring myself to pay for only half off a $6 sandwich.  It felt like being nickel and dimed while getting kicked in the nuts.  (possible title of my new CD)

Back at the comedian condo, which for comedian condos was solid, other than the mold on the ceiling of the bathroom and the roach I snuffed out Friday evening.  The shower head was only about 5’11” so I felt extra troll-like in the bathroom.   But I did get a lot of good sleep, which in my history is a sure sign of deep depression.

In a form of protest I contributed nothing to the local economy.  I have eaten at only major chains (Starbucks every breakfast, Subway or Fuddruckers for lunch or dinner and on Saturday night – ate at Fogo de Chao by myself), and Denny’s late night, where I saw a guy who looked like he was there to commit mass murder – I do not know what happened because when I saw his angry, deranged face I ate my 44 pancakes quickly and left.  In other words, “If your mindset is ‘Occupy This’ then fu*k your mom and pop stores.”  And The Alamo is a joke.  Both the tourist attraction and the film with Dennis Quaid.

As a quick side bar – going to Fogo de Chao by yourself is an interesting experience.  It is an incredible all-you-can-eat Brazilians steakhouse and it is the real deal.  My tally from the meal:

  • 4 filet mignons
  • 4 orders of mashed potatoes
  • about 11 other cuts of meat
  • 1 salad (sorry)

Now when you go to Fogo de Chao it is usually a communal experience. Going solo takes some of the fun out of the experience, but it also gives the impression to employees and other patrons that you are either some mysterious, eccentric, lone-wolf, man of means (I left the New Balance sneakers at home to give my best shot at creating this impression), or a pathetic loser.  One of the things I noted about San Antonio is the large amount of military.  And sitting in Fogo De Chao I was as close to joining the marines as I have ever been.  At a table in the distance were a bunch of marine officers on dates.  Apparently values are a little different in Texas than in NYC.  Because these women were hot – and not in a prostitute/porn kind of way so prevalent in the South and Southwest.  And the dudes looked sharp as shit in the dress uniforms.  So apparently in Texas you can pull a hot chick if you sacrifice your life and look good in a suit.  In NY you pull a hot chick if you sacrifice the money of other people, suit optional.

Now I know this has seemed like a long tirade against San Antonio and comedy, but there was a positive side. The crowds were better comedy fans than I expected.  First off – holy diversity Batman – every crowd, except the first one, was very diverse.  Asians, Latinos, white and blacks in every crowd.  Last week I compared the crowds in Syracuse to a sugar cookie where one or two chocolate chips fell in by accident at the factory.  These crowds had what Cory Booker has described as “a delicious diversity.” (and we wonder why Mayor Booker has weight issues)

Secondly, the crowds were willing to check politics at the door in a fashion that I was not prepared for.  I successfully called Rick Perry a moron (specifically that he is in an MMA match with the English language and by suggesting he may skip debates Perry is effectively tapping out to words) and likened the Tea Party to a dying breed of mentally handicapped people with favorable reactions at 3 of 4 shows.  And the crowd that did not like it did the right thing – they said nothing.  Unlike previous cities that boo or cheer at the mere mention of Obama, even after I preface that my impression bit is not a political bit, Texans at least here seemed to let the joke go before judging.  Which makes them a good audience in my book.

But therein lies the dilemma – the people who went to comedy shows this weekend had better senses of humor than I expected (granted expectations were fairly low) and conducted themselves with excellent comedy club etiquette.  So what was the problem?  We only averaged about 60 people a show!  In summary San Antonio stand up fans have a good sense of how comedy works, which was surprising.  Of course there did not seem to be many stand up fans overall, which was not surprising.

Oh well, like my favorite basketball team the Utah Jazz, I cannot say I came out of San Antonio with a victory, a profit or hope at where my career is going, but I do leave with my dignity.  Oh wait I left that at home.

If you made it this far in the blog – here is some actual good news – Tuesday night at 9pm I am performing in the Boston Comedy Festival and Wednesday I am recording my new CD at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia.

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San Antonio Journal Part I – Chief, The Alamo…

Two smooth flights yesterday, so I did not have a repeat of the near-death experience from two weeks ago on the way to Indianapolis.  Flew to Atlanta from LaGuardia and ran through the airport OJ-style looking for a Chick Fil-A, but could not find the terminal in time before needing to get my connection to San Antonio.  I then found myself sitting right next to a young man, who based on his Mohican eyes and Native American necklace was definitely going to Harvard on a free ride.  He was six foot four and sitting right next to me.  So the two most physically awkward of the 180 passengers on the plane are forced to hip dry hump for two hours to Texas.

On a side note – whoever flew the plane from LaGuardia to Atlanta had the softest landing of all time in Atlanta.  This blog is often a bastion of hate (honest hate, but hate nonetheless) and I think it was important to point out a hero out there.  On the flip side the pilot to from Atlanta to Texas was named Jeff Davis (How did that name not go the way of Adolph – oh right because people in the South still think Jefferson Davis is a hero) and landed quite bumpily in San Antonio.

The comedian condo is located near The Alamo.  Not impressed.  I feel like 10 years ago I might have been able to just jump up and climb over the wall.  It seemed more like a taunt to the little people who were trying to take it.

At the show there were 10 people, all up front (a comedy friendly ratio of 8 women and two men).  Only one man felt free enough to laugh a lot so I probably directed 60% of my “skits” at him.  At the end of my half hour I observed the following break down of the group’s reaction:

  • 6 people clapping (probably an even split of 3 appreciative and 3 obligatory/reluctant)
  • 1 person smiling and doing nothing
  • 2 people staring with arms folded in protest
  • 1 person shaking her head disapprovingly

After my “comedy thing” I went looking for food in the shopping mall, but it was already 9pm so everyone was closing shop to prepare for the rapture, except for Chili’s and Hooters.  Now given the dismissive reaction I had just been given from over a half dozen women, Hooters would have been the logical, get even, degrade-my-enemy type move, but I went against my instinct and had a burger and fries at Chilis.  But on the televisions in Chilli’s was the show Revenge, so apparently women were not done ruining my night.  I observed 15 minutes of the show and I hope the creators of that show die alone.  Of course my anger took a turn for the weird when I was banging on the door of a closing Hooters screaming, “I cannot take our stupid, female driven pop culture – I want to degrade you with an 8% tip!!!!”

I slept about 11 hours last night (slightly interrupted because of an incredible loud cracking sound that keeps emanating from my window), which may sound like a good thing, but I have not slept that much since I was skipping classes, neck deep in depression, in law school. In other words – it is a great thing!!!!  That law school depression is what drove me to comedy.  Perhaps now I am being driven to find some other form of life that will offer temporary happiness and years of torment!  Def poetry slam runner up has a nice ring to it.