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Comedy Road Recap: The Land of Old White Men…

This weekend was a whirlwind of comedy activity.  The final two days of Comedy Academy filming were Friday and Saturday and yielded some of the funniest and ballsiest stuff I have ever been a part of.  It will be posted to my YouTube channel on January 27th (still deciding whether to go with a Netflix’style dump of all 5 episodes at once or to release an episode a day from January 27th-January 31st), so subscribe to the channel now and spread the word if you dig my stuff.

But this week represented a bit of a throwback for me – I was actually performing comedy… on the road… for money!  I was opening at a restaurant, The Silo, in Greene, NY (about 200 miles north of NYC) for my buddy Tony Deyo on Saturday night. It was the kind of drive where you expect Scatman Crothers to be on the road with you headed to the Overlook Hotel.  Tony drives a Honda Civic, a solid, sturdy car for people under 6’0″ tall.  About two hours into the first drive I had to request an emergency stop because my left ass cheek was going numb from leaning slightly to that side with my knees up around my shoulders.

When we arrived at the venue we had plenty of time to eat the pre-show buffet, which was solid.  I managed to feel like I was eating healthy by convincing myself that four pieces of carrot cake constituted part of the Paleo diet.  The average age of the audience was Biblical and the average color was grayish-white, but I have had crowds like that before, so my mind was at east.  It was a two person show so after a brief intro by the restaurant owner I went up and did about 40 minutes, doing OK for my first gig of any significance (in length of time or importance) in a couple of months.  The only hiccup, which was mostly in my head, was the fact that one of my first bits is about me having a difficult encounter on a flight with a particularly large woman sitting next to me (let me put it this way – our average weight was equal to that of a guard and a tackle on an NFL team, and I was the light one).  Observing half the crowd to be of normal weight I saw laughs and felt good about the joke and then I just turned half way to see the table nearest the stage featured three woman who were easily 280+.  They were smiling and I poke fun at my own weight problems in the joke, but it still felt a little weird.  But then I made sure to look at their table at least 4 times during the rest of the joke, just to pretend like I was 100% unashamed of the joke (I was only actually 1-2% ashamed, but big chicks can smell even the slightest amount of fear, because it smells like chicken, and I did not want to let them know or feel how I really felt).

After the show I sold two CDs, mostly out of pity I think, but that is OK because pity dollars work in laundry machines as well (spoiler Sunday was my laundry day).  But the thing that startled me after the show was how many of these old white crusty, Jerry Sandusky looking dudes (just in stature in appearance and face) had massive, brick laying, bar fighting, phone book ripping hands.  One dude  I actually didn’t reach to shake his hand because I did not want to feel like a girl (my hands are by no means huge, but I can palm a basketball) and I could see from this guy’s hands that he might have lapped my hand in a hand shake.  All these dudes, short, tall, skinny, fat – as long as they were over 50 – had hands that could crush cantaloupes.  Tony and I just figured that places like Greene, NY must breed men of a certain heartiness, that like chopping trees down for firewood, strangling bears with their bare hands and fighting at bars just to keep warm at night and I guess those factors lead to the breeding or development of large hands.

We stopped at a McDonald’s on the way back and witnessed the weirdest fight of our lives as a man, who sort of reminded me of William H. Macy’s character in Fargo, demanding that he get an item that would not be available until  6am.  An employee from the next door quicki-mart stepped in and they went toe-to-toe in a punchless, folksy, aggressive conversation where each party threatened the other with calls to the police.  I tried to turn on my instagram app and film it, while screaming “WORLDSTAR,” but it didn’t work.

All in all, an exhausting, but fun trip and my wallet is now fat for at least the next 6 hours.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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Top 10 Righteous Prick Podcast Episodes of 2013

As the another year wraps up it is time for another top ten list you did not ask for and do not want. However, if you find yourself on this blog then there is a slight chance you may be interested in this top ten.  As I did last year, I present to you the top ten Righteous Prick Podcast episodes of 2013, as based on a survey of me.  The episodes range from the skewering  of celebrities to comedy psychos to a more serious one-on-none podcast where I discussed the Trayvon Martin case.  The whole point of this post is if you do listen to the podcast, this is an easy post for you to share with people to convince them to give it a try and to subscribe on any of the platforms.  For people who have never listened it will offer you some of the better ones to entice you to come back and try it on a weekly basis in 2014.  It is available on Podomatic, iTunes and STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free! So without further adieu here are 2013’s top podcast episodes:

10. The Justin Timberlake Episode – I debate the merits of Timberlake (even before his terrible 20/20 album came out). Listen HERE

9. The Gary Gulman Episode – Being in comedy you sometimes get to meet your comedic inspirations.  Well 1 out 5 of those people agreed to do my podcast. Listen HERE

8. The Lena Dunham Episode – One of the most listened to episodes of the year for me.  Listen HERE

7. The Dog Yoga Episode – There is a woman who runs a dog yoga program. I talked to her. Enough said.  Listen HERE

6. The Seth MacFarlane Episode – Family Guy, an OK movie and a bunch of crap – the breakdown of MacFarlane’s empire.  Listen HERE

5. The St Patrick’s Day Episode – Listen to comedian John Moses share his incredible tales of St Patrick’s Day vomit and violence. Listen HERE

4. The Samuel L. Jackson Episode – a debate over whether Sam Jackson is overrated and overexposed. Super fun episode. Listen HERE

3. The Comedy Merchandise Episode – A discussion of the salesman aspect of stand-up comedy careers. Listen HERE

2. The Nainan-tervention – A virtual round table discussion of the worst person in comedy (morally and comedically) you never heard of until he punched a reporter at a show in Washington D.C.  Listen HERE

1. The Trayvon Martin-George Zimmerman Episode – not the most listened to episode of the year, but the most positive feedback by far.  Just me, solo, discussing the case and its aftermath. Listen HERE

Thanks guests, subscribers and listeners for helping the podcast grow in its second year. Hopefully the third year does even better.

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The Righteous Prick Top Eleven Things of 2013

Every year in December I announce my favorite things from the year.  It is sort of like a reminder that my blog and podcasts are not just 52 weeks of cynicism and hostility (just 51 1/2).  2013 was the best year of movies I can remember in my lifetime.  It was also a year where I read less than previous years because of less travel (not to mention several months spent reading a 900 page biography on George Washington), which is my usual time to go through books.  And last, but not least, it was a year where I went from under 80,000 YouTube views to closing in on half a million views.  So this year’s list will range from sports to video games to books to personal accomplishments, but all things on the list were successes on some level.  So without further adieu here is my top 11 things of 2013 (I learned from Buzzfeed to make my lists consist of prime numbers):

11. Stephen Colbert’s Dance Marathon to Daft Punk’s Get Lucky – Not only is Colbert the most talented individual on late night television by light years, but he also strikes me as the guy you wish was your uncle at a wedding. Unlike the awkward uncle who makes an appearance at almost every wedding in America, he seems like the one who actually would tear up the dance floor and not just think he is tearing up the dance floor while dancing like Elaine on Seinfeld. Enjoy this clip before it gets taken down:

10. The Unwinding: An Inner History of the New America – This Thomas Packer book just won the National Book Award and I read it in San Antonio, TX this year while on the road in the Summer.  It is a compelling, non-partisan (though as Stephen Colbert famously said to President George W. Bush, “facts are well known to have a liberal bias”) tale of how the promise of the American Dream is proving more and more to be a fantasy for ordinary Americans.

9. Alt Wolf/Tim & Aaron/Biggie – This year was a big year for my comedy career (in every way, but financial).  Louis CK Tells the Classics was by far my biggest hit on the Internet, but I had a three way tie for my favorite video of the year (that I made). So if you missed them or want to enjoy them again, here are Alt Wolf, Tim & Aaron and Biggie:

8. Obamacare – You are probably wondering, huh?  The website was a mess (sorry GOP, but the site is working a lot better now) and most Americans, according to Fox News polls, believe the Affordable Care Act is slightly worse than Uday Hussein’s rape room.  But from this blogging comedian’s perspective it was a big success.  My new health care plan will save me $169/month over what I paid in 2013 for health insurance.  I will have smaller co-pays and have a plan that is accepted by all the doctors I already see.  The only sad thing is that in my head I still think I am one of the “young people” that the Act needs to enroll. Then I realized that at 34 I might be older than that demographic.  So now the President and Comedy Central have no need for me.

7. Captain Phillips – My favorite film of 2013.  And the last 10 minutes of acting by Tom Hanks is the best work he has ever done and I do not care what sentiments or feel good stories emerge at the Oscars – Tom Hanks deserves the Best Actor award.

6. The New York Times Series on Dasani – This five part series in the New York Times about Dasani, an 11 year old girl living in a Brooklyn shelter is an incredible and intimate look at the struggles of the poor.  Similar to The Unwinding, it takes a look at the poor and the struggling, not through political or economic theories or through statistics, but through an on-the-ground look at the cyclical struggles of the poor and how difficult it can be for people, even with motivation and talents, to rise above their circumstances in an increasingly unequal society. Check it out HERE

5. Lebron James – With my Utah Jazz in a re-building and irrelevant phase of their franchise, it has allowed me to become more of an NBA fan and appreciate the stars of the NBA (unlike in the Jordan era where the Jazz were actually title contenders and I could only view Jordan from the perspective of hostile opposing fan). And no star has shined brighter than Lebron James.  If the Olympics were every year perhaps Usain Bolt would be on this list, but the most exciting, entertaining and compelling athlete on a year-to-year basis is Lebron James.  And in 2013 it was particularly enjoyable seeing him shut down his haters for good.

 

4. Breaking Bad – The series ended and I did not think the final season was its best (that would be either season 3 or 4, both of which I would give A+ grades to).  And many people believe that Episode 14 of Season 5 – Ozymandias was the show’s all-time best episode (for me it is top five). However, my favorite moment of Breaking Bad this season, and perhaps the entire show, were the final two minutes of the second to last episode of the series.  (SPOILER COMING IF YOU ARE WATCHING THE LAST SEASON ON DVD NOW).  Walt calls Walt Jr. at school seeking some sort of reconciliation that he does not receive.  So defeated, he calls the police to turn himself in, sits down at the bar and awaits his destiny.  However, he sees his former partners in the business he left (as Vince Gilligan said in an interview, he believed Walt “broke bad” when he refused a job and full care for his treatment from his former business partners in Season 1, purely out of pride – because if family was most important than the decision should have been made easily) minimizing his contributions to the company on Charlie Rose.  It triggers in him a proud rage and as the theme music to the show swells, and we see the police closing in on the bar, the last frame shows an empty seat and an unfinished drink, indicating that Walt is not done yet and that we will, in fact, have one more episode of one of the greatest shows of all time.

3. Hello Ladies – For any show to be ahead of Breaking Bad, given its quality and my sentimental attachement to it, it would have to be damn near perfect.  And like Season 1 of Eastbound and Down, which topped my end of year list several years ago, Hello Ladies was comedy and sentimental perfection.  The show was 8 episodes of sly humor, great acting, uncomfortable awkwardness and pure brilliance.  And I am not just saying that because the lead actor is 6’7″.  Who knows if the show can continue its brilliance, but for 8 episodes it was my favorite thing on television this year.

2. Blurred Lines – Here is how you know a song is good – it is number 1 on the charts for two months before feminist blog sites finally stop dancing and tapping their cyber feet to issue denunciations of it.  The song is fantastic.  And the video is even better.  And the unedited video is even betterer (the brunette could have had her own spot on this list to be honest).

1. The Last of Us – It may seem weird to have a video game as the number one thing of 2013, but The Last of Us was the single best piece of entertainment I experienced this year.  A script worthy of Hollywood’s best, great vocal talent, incredible graphics, great gameplay and an ending of moral ambiguity that would make Vince Gilligan envious.  I know now everyone that reads this plays video games and not everyone who plays video games has a PS3, but this game alone is worth the purchase of a PS3 and it is my #1 thing of 2013.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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Some new stand up clips with mediocre crowd response!

With Comedy Academy on the horizon I thought, why not share some videos that will not go viral. So here are two stand up clips from shows this fall that you may or may not enjoy as the small, apathetic crowds that witnessed and in some moments, interrupted these bits when they first occurred. Here ya go:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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The Anti-Person of the Year Nominees

Time has announced that Pope Francis has beat out nine other finalists to win Time’s Person of the Year.  Now before social media wannabe Christopher Hitchenses being dissecting this in the comment section this is NOT to discuss the choice of the Pope, though I think it is a fine choice.  After all the criteria for Person of the Year is that it is “bestowed by the editors on the person or persons who most affected the news and our lives, for good or ill, and embodied what was important about the year. ”  This is why I will always consider it illegitimate when they snubbed Osama Bin Laden in 2001 in favor for the more politically correct Rudy Giuliani.  “What else do I have to do?!” bin Laden was heard yelling from a cave in December 2001.  But by that criteria, the Pope is a respectable choice.  I was disappointed to not see any of my finalists for J-L’s person of the year on the Time list (Bryan Cranston, Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey, the brunette in the Blurred Lines video and the guy who made the unedited Blurred Lines video), but c’est la vie.

However, I think in this day and age of insignificant, on-line life we need to adapt the Time formula and pick an anti-person of the year as well.  This does not necessarily mean an inanimate object or non-human, nor someone who is explicitly a misanthrope (though I am potentially a candidate). It means the person, entity, organization or anything else who/that made life a little more useless and insignificant, but did so in an incredibly exhaustive and ubiquitous way.  My nominees are:

  1. Upworthy.com – “A website makes dozens of headlines intended to awe and inspire you, but the ceaseless repetition and posting of these stories will shock you with how much they irritate you.”
  2. Kanye West – he is a tough one to put on the list because he still works and produces music, but when a fake website can post that you said you were the next Mandela and most people believe it, you have to be up for this dishonor
  3. Buzzfeed.com – when you mix prime numbers, lists and unimportant information about things both important and unimportant you have shoot to the top of the list.  If Lean on Me took place in 2013 instead of the 1980s, Joe Clark would be screaming at Sams “You like Buzzfeed don’t ya. You know what it does? It kills your brain cells son!”
  4. Statefarm’s Discount Double Check Slogan/Ad Campaign – a constant presence during broadcasts of America’s #1 sport.  It is destroying comedy, Sundays and Aaron Rodger’s Q rating.
  5. #Hashtag
  6. New York professional sports – it was bad enough Boston tried to steal NYC’s 9/11 tragedy thunder with an under-10-death marathon tragedy, but now NY sports teams have basically become a second rate Midwestern town in terms of success compared to Boston.  That is a lot of failure in America’s #1 media market.
  7. Instantaneous jokes about dead celebrities.  These are everywhere, though rarely funny.  The quickest joke became more important than the best joke.  Just when social media couldn’t cheapen the cost of comedy anymore, leave it to the Internet to cheapen the value of the joke a little bit extra.
  8. Knockout Game – from the kids that play it, to the media that paints an exaggerated and fear-mongering picture of it, to the Internet posts full of barely veiled racism, it represents a nice symbolic cross section of what ails America.
  9. Ron Burgundy – seriously go away. The sequel is not even out yet and I am bored of all the promotions.
  10. Texting while walking – seriously, not since the outbreak of AIDS have so many been so silent about something so awful.  When the book And The Cu*t Walked On is made about the early fight against rude people walking while buried in their phones, implicitly demanding that more conscientious citizens make way for them, I expect to be featured as an early hero.

CAST YOUR VOTE IN THE COMMENT SECTION.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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What Mandela Meant to Me… by A Typical Comedian

When I heard of Nelson Mandela’s death last week it hit me on a profound level, most likely deeper than anyone outside of Mr. Mandela’s immediate family.  Most people would rank Mr. Mandela on a level somewhere in the Gandhi-Martin Luther King-Abraham Lincoln section of History, reserved for the greatest citizens of the human race, but to me he was so much more.  He was an inspiration, a role model and a mentor.

When I was beginning my career in stand up comedy, while moonlighting as an administrative assistant for 45 hours a week, I began reading the back of Mr. Mandela’s autobiography Long Walk to Freedom.  I did not have the patience to read the book, nor the money to purchase it, but I read the back cover as I camped out in a Barnes & Noble for two hours, impeding people trying to walk around the store, all while making a fort out of all the copies of the book as I ate a Starbucks scone.  It was really inspiring and I decided that I would make my comedy career a tribute to Mr. Mandela’s legacy.  I was so motivated that just a day after reading those first few pages I rented the movie Invictus and once again felt like Mr. Mandela was telling me personally to have patience and forgiveness to succeed in the tough world of stand up comedy.

Now this would already permanently link Mr. Mandela and I when our histories are written, but the greatest moment of my stand up career was definitely when Mr. Mandela came to one of my shows.  Obviously I was a little nervous.  After all this was a guy who was, according to the LA Times Book Review, a “page turner” (that’s what the back cover said at least).  But I did my guest spot and was amazed when after the show, Mr. Mandela asked to speak with me.  He shook my hand and said, “Robben Island was tough, but I don’t think even I could have the courage to do stand up comedy.” I laughed, but he looked me in the eye without a trace of humor said, “I am not making a joke.  You have true courage and you are one of my heroes.”  He then embraced me in a strong hug for a man of his age.  It is a moment I will never forget and truly gave me the strength to fight on to try and make it in comedy.

Next week I celebrate my 7th month in comedy and as difficult as it has been and as slow as my progress in the business has been I swear that I will honor my hero and my friend Mr. Nelson Mandela and pursue comedy until I make it or until three years in the business, whichever comes first.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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Tragedy: The Magic Ingredient for Bad Tweets and Successful…

This weekend I was offered two lessons on tragedy and comedy.  The first was the now predictable/stale and instantaneous response to the death of Paul Walker within the comedy world.  Now the jokes were coming from people who ranged from strangers to me to people I respect as people and as comedians.  But I have to ask people who made the jokes, what were you thinking (not rhetorical)?  Are you lacking a basic comic nerve ending to actually think anyone needed (just on a humor level, forget decency) a 907th “fast and furious – how ironic” joke.  And there is this cottage industry (unpaid of course – this is comedy) of people who hear about a death and immediately blurt 140 characters or status update whose speed is only matched in its laziness.  I honestly do not understand the thought process.  Step 1 – Person died.  Step 2 – Must be first to hacky joke that I am not sure is hacky because my mind is consumed with quickly generating something mocking the death (or know is hack, but because we treat comedy like a useless, disposable commodity who gives a shit if I throw out some clunkers).  It borders on compulsion.

Because here is the thing – if you honestly believe you wrote something original and then there are 10,000 jokes identical to it on Twitter within an hour, then there is a chance you not very good at making jokes (or in the very least you need not defend some of these weak ones).  That is not my opinion, that is just a fact based on numbers.  I read a couple of good jokes (literally like 2-3) and found myself less annoyed because at least when making something you know is offensive you should be pretty sure that it is funny.  Otherwise you are shitting on someone without providing comedic benefit.  Like comedians who think talking about eating ass is automatically funny, just because Patrice O’Neal could make funny jokes about it.

The real problem is that anyone with a few mics under the belt believes their comedy is unassailable because they are automatically “truth tellers” and on the front line of the defense of the First Amendment.  I am not saying you cannot say what you want. Feel free to.  But if your joke sucks, don’t automatically assume it is because you are too edgy and pushing the boundaries of decency like a modern day Lenny Bruce.  You might just be mediocre at writing jokes.  And that merely highlights the laziness, the indecency and the shamelessness of an otherwise lame joke.  Of course I have friends who made some F & F jokes and for some it represents a microscopic blip on their overall quality comedy landscape.  But other folks I see in social media consistently produce lazy crap that is offensive, but then claim Constitutional and artistic protections to hide the fact that the jokes suck.  Like someone who doesn’t show up for work for a month, gets fired and then claims racism, sexism or some other form of discrimination is the cause.

And then, the second thing that occurs after hastily constructed hackery and the almost as quick backlash against said hackery are folks within comedy that claim that self-righteousness, or policing of comedy, is the real problem.  I don’t know if any of the comments on my Facebook feed were directed at my comment referring to this stuff as evidence of bad comedy, but the fact remains if you enjoy me criticizing Louis CK, or hecklers, or hacks, or alternative comedy or Kevin Hart or anything else in comedy, what makes you think that something as ubiquitous as bad jokes about celebrity deaths would get a pass?

I have always defended comedians’ rights to workshop harsh or offensive material because that is the only way to find the funny.  But if calling Jeff Dunham a shit show is generally accepted among comedians, why is calling a hack joke about a tragedy tasteless and lame suddenly beyond the bounds of the unwritten comedians’ code?  And Twitter, as Jim Rome said, is in ink.  Unlike an open mic, social media, for better or worse, is a final draft once you publish it.  And if you can have the balls to chance a bad joke about a sad event, then at least have the balls to own up to creating a weak joke for exploitative purposes (if clicks, hits or retweets trump “funny” in your calculation of whether or not to put out a joke, you have already lost the protection due to comedians for that joke because funny was not your main intent).   If you added me as a friend, or followed me on Twitter because you like the approach I have to calling out stuff in comedy and mocking it, then this is merely in keeping with why you like my stuff.  Like I said, I don’t know if any of those comments were directed at me, but I don’t police comedy.  I just take shots at bullshit without wondering what the cool kids think.  Sometimes they like it and sometimes they don’t.  Oh well, rant portion over.

There was a more positive lesson learned this weekend from tragedy and comedy.  The fund raising campaign for my web series Comedy Academy ended and $2630 was raised!  Since family members contributed less than 10% to the campaign it was nice to see that there are still fans, friends and colleagues that have some degree of respect for the stuff I have been working hard to produce.  And of the groups of people who contributed most (in dollars and number of contributors) the most came from law school classmates and fellow comedians.  The lesson?  Endure tough experiences with people and they are more likely to support you.  So the lesson I guess is for you struggling comedians to join the military.  Because if the rigors of law school and the impoverished misery of comedy can breed more loyalty and support than other groups in your life for a lot longer, just imagine what a few tours in Afghanistan could do for fundraising campaigns among your brothers-at-arms when you get back stateside!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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How Comedians Should Approach Black Friday

Thanksgiving is approaching, which used to mean a time for food, football and family, but now it means food, football and “fu*k off that is my discounted gift.”  Many stores are now opening on Thanksgiving to get a head start on trampling part-time workers to death in a race to get items for cheaper.  It is a great way to get discounts, while also getting the thrill of engaging in a real life Hunger Games.  Basically it is the civilized nature of  looting except you pay for the stuff instead of stealing it and tragedy is a result of the looting instead of the cause of it.  I have the convenience of small reserves of cash and a high amount of familial apathy so Black Friday/Douche Thursday (my name for the new shopping day) has little effect for me.  But as a seller of goods (or as I call my CDs “greats”) I realize in this day and age I need to offer Black Friday deals for comedy fans.  But in a day of $5 downloads, YouTube and a general disdain for paying for on-line content I, along with other comedians need to adjust and make offers that are too good to pass up. So here are my suggestions for how to get people excited about your comedy content this holiday shopping season:

1) Offer things in exchange for buying your albums or other merchandise.  During the year it is tough enough to get people to buy your comedy products, but with Black Friday competition it is nearly impossible.  So the least you can do is offer things to get people to buy what you produced (because the thing you produced may have cost money and may be a quality product, but who the fu*k are you?).  Sort of like going to a movie and demanding free popcorn and soda for showing up.  That is the baseline of comedy purchasers’ expectations. “I bought your album, don’t I get the other three free along with a limited edition engraved mug and watch?”

2) Give stuff for free just to get people to give you their e-mail.  OK, so maybe it was too ambitious to expect people to pay for content, even if you throw in lots of freebies, especially on Black Friday.  So instead, offer them all of your content (on top of videos and podcasts, give them albums, t-shirts, etc.) for free, IF, and only IF, they give you their Hotmail account that they use for spam.  That way you will build a connection to them that they only save for important e-mails about penile enlargement.

3) Do chores for people. On top of offering content for free you should volunteer to clean their house or babysit or wash their car in an effort for them to consider accepting your comedy materials for free.  You may lose time and money, but you will have increased by at least 9% the chances that your comedy album will be a prominent coaster in the guest room of their house.

4) Sexual favors.  People, this is not the normal shopping season – it is Black Friday in the Internet age of $5 Louis CK specials and free viral videos and streaming services!  If you want people to give you their g-mail account to actually see (but still ignore) your newsletter and comedy content you have to be willing to give more of yourself to your potential apathetic fan.

5) Murder for hire.  How committed are you to gaining new fans?  Comedy success and booking opportunities are about access to emails, Twitter followers and YouTube channel subscribers.  On Black Friday I recommend offering to kill a person that your potential fan hates.  If they still cannot follow you on Twitter or share a free video to friends after you kill their nagging landlord or mistress threatening to out their affair then maybe your content is just not that good.  So perhaps you need another couple years of seasoning and skill, but of course there is no guarantee that in the future the environment will be as friendly to content creators as it is now.

Happy Thanksgiving comedians, comedy fans and people who clicked on this by accident.

Check out my web series fund raising campaign here – http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/comedy-academy CAMPAIGN ENDS 11-30-13

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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The Best Movie of 2013 – Biggie

2013 has been the best year that I can remember in a long time for movies.  I have seen great indie movies and great blockbusters, but now there is one movie set to be released this year that trumps them all.  It is a movie called Biggie.  It is a re-imagining of the Tom Hanks’ film Big, but instead of a loser kid wishing to be big, it is about a loser adult who wishes to be The Notorious B.I.G.  Check out the preview:

Check out my web series fund raising campaign here – http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/comedy-academy

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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The Best Man Holiday, the Dwyane Wade Sitcom and…

I do not have a daily podcast (believe me, the people are barely clamoring for a weekly one), but today is a day where I have a series of miscellaneous things I want to share that do not warrant a full blog treatment, but are bigger than mere tweets.  Well, since I am bored out of my mind with a bunch of 141 character thoughts I thought I would drop them here.  Enjoy this pot pie of comedy nonsense.

1)The Dwyane Wade Sitcom – the life of Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat star and alleged giver of an STD to his ex wife has a sitcom based on his life.  My guess it will follow the lead of Michael Strahan’s 4 episode sitcom on Fox, but who knows.  Obviously this could be a golden opportunity for exceedingly tall comedian/actors to get roles.  Here is the preliminary cast I have put together:

 

  • Wade – Romany Malco
  • LeBron James – Terry Crews
  • Greg Oden – Morgan Freeman
  • Chris Bosh – the raptor from Jurassic Park
  • Pat Riley – Michael Douglas
  • Erik Spoelstra – Joseph Gordon Levitt (or Bruno Mars – as someone suggested on Facebook)
  • Commissioner David Stern – Jon Lovitz
  • Shane Battier – J-L Cauvin

2) The Best Man Holiday – I pre-emptively ripped it on this week’s podcast after only seeing the first one.  Well the sequel was very enjoyable and noticeably better and more substantive that the first.  Here are the takeaways:

  • Morris Chestnut should be a bigger star.  It has been 20 years since Boyz in the Hood and he has gone from playing a talented, emotionally nuanced football player to playing a talented, emotionally nuanced football player (at least as far as mainstream/crossover success is concerned).
  • Morris Chestnut and Terrence Howard are very good criers.
  • Morris Chestnut’s character is basically Adrian Peterson professionally (#28), but Tim Tebow personally.
  • Movie was pretty damn funny, especially Howard.
  • The woman that plays Mia looks too much like a female Derrick Favors to me.
  • I have liked Nia Long since that movie with Ted Danson and Whoopi Goldberg in the 1990s and she has aged great, as in barely.
  • Tyler Perry doesn’t understand why people like it.  And is writing his own movie called The Better Man Chooses Christ Over AIDS.

3) The new episode of Chappelle’s Show that is needed  – I watched the Mike Tyson show Undisputed Truth on HBO yesterday and one of my favorite stories is of how he beat up Mitch “Blood” Green in a Harlem street fight.  I have known about the story since it happened, but hearing Tyson flesh out the details only grew the legend.  Not of Tyson, but of Green.  To call Mike  Tyson, “the baddest man on the planet” in his prime, a “fa**ot” in the middle of the street, get beat up and keep coming back for more is the kind of courage-stupidity combination that I secretly wish I had.   Though as a struggling comedian I guess I am closer to it than most people.  Now instead of Charlie Murphy telling stories about Rick James for an episode have Mike Tyson telling the story about the night he fought Green for a full episode with Chappelle playing Green. Start engraving my name on an Emmy.

Check out my web series fund raising campaign here – http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/comedy-academy

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!