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What Mandela Meant to Me… by A Typical Comedian

When I heard of Nelson Mandela’s death last week it hit me on a profound level, most likely deeper than anyone outside of Mr. Mandela’s immediate family.  Most people would rank Mr. Mandela on a level somewhere in the Gandhi-Martin Luther King-Abraham Lincoln section of History, reserved for the greatest citizens of the human race, but to me he was so much more.  He was an inspiration, a role model and a mentor.

When I was beginning my career in stand up comedy, while moonlighting as an administrative assistant for 45 hours a week, I began reading the back of Mr. Mandela’s autobiography Long Walk to Freedom.  I did not have the patience to read the book, nor the money to purchase it, but I read the back cover as I camped out in a Barnes & Noble for two hours, impeding people trying to walk around the store, all while making a fort out of all the copies of the book as I ate a Starbucks scone.  It was really inspiring and I decided that I would make my comedy career a tribute to Mr. Mandela’s legacy.  I was so motivated that just a day after reading those first few pages I rented the movie Invictus and once again felt like Mr. Mandela was telling me personally to have patience and forgiveness to succeed in the tough world of stand up comedy.

Now this would already permanently link Mr. Mandela and I when our histories are written, but the greatest moment of my stand up career was definitely when Mr. Mandela came to one of my shows.  Obviously I was a little nervous.  After all this was a guy who was, according to the LA Times Book Review, a “page turner” (that’s what the back cover said at least).  But I did my guest spot and was amazed when after the show, Mr. Mandela asked to speak with me.  He shook my hand and said, “Robben Island was tough, but I don’t think even I could have the courage to do stand up comedy.” I laughed, but he looked me in the eye without a trace of humor said, “I am not making a joke.  You have true courage and you are one of my heroes.”  He then embraced me in a strong hug for a man of his age.  It is a moment I will never forget and truly gave me the strength to fight on to try and make it in comedy.

Next week I celebrate my 7th month in comedy and as difficult as it has been and as slow as my progress in the business has been I swear that I will honor my hero and my friend Mr. Nelson Mandela and pursue comedy until I make it or until three years in the business, whichever comes first.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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Tragedy: The Magic Ingredient for Bad Tweets and Successful…

This weekend I was offered two lessons on tragedy and comedy.  The first was the now predictable/stale and instantaneous response to the death of Paul Walker within the comedy world.  Now the jokes were coming from people who ranged from strangers to me to people I respect as people and as comedians.  But I have to ask people who made the jokes, what were you thinking (not rhetorical)?  Are you lacking a basic comic nerve ending to actually think anyone needed (just on a humor level, forget decency) a 907th “fast and furious – how ironic” joke.  And there is this cottage industry (unpaid of course – this is comedy) of people who hear about a death and immediately blurt 140 characters or status update whose speed is only matched in its laziness.  I honestly do not understand the thought process.  Step 1 – Person died.  Step 2 – Must be first to hacky joke that I am not sure is hacky because my mind is consumed with quickly generating something mocking the death (or know is hack, but because we treat comedy like a useless, disposable commodity who gives a shit if I throw out some clunkers).  It borders on compulsion.

Because here is the thing – if you honestly believe you wrote something original and then there are 10,000 jokes identical to it on Twitter within an hour, then there is a chance you not very good at making jokes (or in the very least you need not defend some of these weak ones).  That is not my opinion, that is just a fact based on numbers.  I read a couple of good jokes (literally like 2-3) and found myself less annoyed because at least when making something you know is offensive you should be pretty sure that it is funny.  Otherwise you are shitting on someone without providing comedic benefit.  Like comedians who think talking about eating ass is automatically funny, just because Patrice O’Neal could make funny jokes about it.

The real problem is that anyone with a few mics under the belt believes their comedy is unassailable because they are automatically “truth tellers” and on the front line of the defense of the First Amendment.  I am not saying you cannot say what you want. Feel free to.  But if your joke sucks, don’t automatically assume it is because you are too edgy and pushing the boundaries of decency like a modern day Lenny Bruce.  You might just be mediocre at writing jokes.  And that merely highlights the laziness, the indecency and the shamelessness of an otherwise lame joke.  Of course I have friends who made some F & F jokes and for some it represents a microscopic blip on their overall quality comedy landscape.  But other folks I see in social media consistently produce lazy crap that is offensive, but then claim Constitutional and artistic protections to hide the fact that the jokes suck.  Like someone who doesn’t show up for work for a month, gets fired and then claims racism, sexism or some other form of discrimination is the cause.

And then, the second thing that occurs after hastily constructed hackery and the almost as quick backlash against said hackery are folks within comedy that claim that self-righteousness, or policing of comedy, is the real problem.  I don’t know if any of the comments on my Facebook feed were directed at my comment referring to this stuff as evidence of bad comedy, but the fact remains if you enjoy me criticizing Louis CK, or hecklers, or hacks, or alternative comedy or Kevin Hart or anything else in comedy, what makes you think that something as ubiquitous as bad jokes about celebrity deaths would get a pass?

I have always defended comedians’ rights to workshop harsh or offensive material because that is the only way to find the funny.  But if calling Jeff Dunham a shit show is generally accepted among comedians, why is calling a hack joke about a tragedy tasteless and lame suddenly beyond the bounds of the unwritten comedians’ code?  And Twitter, as Jim Rome said, is in ink.  Unlike an open mic, social media, for better or worse, is a final draft once you publish it.  And if you can have the balls to chance a bad joke about a sad event, then at least have the balls to own up to creating a weak joke for exploitative purposes (if clicks, hits or retweets trump “funny” in your calculation of whether or not to put out a joke, you have already lost the protection due to comedians for that joke because funny was not your main intent).   If you added me as a friend, or followed me on Twitter because you like the approach I have to calling out stuff in comedy and mocking it, then this is merely in keeping with why you like my stuff.  Like I said, I don’t know if any of those comments were directed at me, but I don’t police comedy.  I just take shots at bullshit without wondering what the cool kids think.  Sometimes they like it and sometimes they don’t.  Oh well, rant portion over.

There was a more positive lesson learned this weekend from tragedy and comedy.  The fund raising campaign for my web series Comedy Academy ended and $2630 was raised!  Since family members contributed less than 10% to the campaign it was nice to see that there are still fans, friends and colleagues that have some degree of respect for the stuff I have been working hard to produce.  And of the groups of people who contributed most (in dollars and number of contributors) the most came from law school classmates and fellow comedians.  The lesson?  Endure tough experiences with people and they are more likely to support you.  So the lesson I guess is for you struggling comedians to join the military.  Because if the rigors of law school and the impoverished misery of comedy can breed more loyalty and support than other groups in your life for a lot longer, just imagine what a few tours in Afghanistan could do for fundraising campaigns among your brothers-at-arms when you get back stateside!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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How Comedians Should Approach Black Friday

Thanksgiving is approaching, which used to mean a time for food, football and family, but now it means food, football and “fu*k off that is my discounted gift.”  Many stores are now opening on Thanksgiving to get a head start on trampling part-time workers to death in a race to get items for cheaper.  It is a great way to get discounts, while also getting the thrill of engaging in a real life Hunger Games.  Basically it is the civilized nature of  looting except you pay for the stuff instead of stealing it and tragedy is a result of the looting instead of the cause of it.  I have the convenience of small reserves of cash and a high amount of familial apathy so Black Friday/Douche Thursday (my name for the new shopping day) has little effect for me.  But as a seller of goods (or as I call my CDs “greats”) I realize in this day and age I need to offer Black Friday deals for comedy fans.  But in a day of $5 downloads, YouTube and a general disdain for paying for on-line content I, along with other comedians need to adjust and make offers that are too good to pass up. So here are my suggestions for how to get people excited about your comedy content this holiday shopping season:

1) Offer things in exchange for buying your albums or other merchandise.  During the year it is tough enough to get people to buy your comedy products, but with Black Friday competition it is nearly impossible.  So the least you can do is offer things to get people to buy what you produced (because the thing you produced may have cost money and may be a quality product, but who the fu*k are you?).  Sort of like going to a movie and demanding free popcorn and soda for showing up.  That is the baseline of comedy purchasers’ expectations. “I bought your album, don’t I get the other three free along with a limited edition engraved mug and watch?”

2) Give stuff for free just to get people to give you their e-mail.  OK, so maybe it was too ambitious to expect people to pay for content, even if you throw in lots of freebies, especially on Black Friday.  So instead, offer them all of your content (on top of videos and podcasts, give them albums, t-shirts, etc.) for free, IF, and only IF, they give you their Hotmail account that they use for spam.  That way you will build a connection to them that they only save for important e-mails about penile enlargement.

3) Do chores for people. On top of offering content for free you should volunteer to clean their house or babysit or wash their car in an effort for them to consider accepting your comedy materials for free.  You may lose time and money, but you will have increased by at least 9% the chances that your comedy album will be a prominent coaster in the guest room of their house.

4) Sexual favors.  People, this is not the normal shopping season – it is Black Friday in the Internet age of $5 Louis CK specials and free viral videos and streaming services!  If you want people to give you their g-mail account to actually see (but still ignore) your newsletter and comedy content you have to be willing to give more of yourself to your potential apathetic fan.

5) Murder for hire.  How committed are you to gaining new fans?  Comedy success and booking opportunities are about access to emails, Twitter followers and YouTube channel subscribers.  On Black Friday I recommend offering to kill a person that your potential fan hates.  If they still cannot follow you on Twitter or share a free video to friends after you kill their nagging landlord or mistress threatening to out their affair then maybe your content is just not that good.  So perhaps you need another couple years of seasoning and skill, but of course there is no guarantee that in the future the environment will be as friendly to content creators as it is now.

Happy Thanksgiving comedians, comedy fans and people who clicked on this by accident.

Check out my web series fund raising campaign here – http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/comedy-academy CAMPAIGN ENDS 11-30-13

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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The Best Movie of 2013 – Biggie

2013 has been the best year that I can remember in a long time for movies.  I have seen great indie movies and great blockbusters, but now there is one movie set to be released this year that trumps them all.  It is a movie called Biggie.  It is a re-imagining of the Tom Hanks’ film Big, but instead of a loser kid wishing to be big, it is about a loser adult who wishes to be The Notorious B.I.G.  Check out the preview:

Check out my web series fund raising campaign here – http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/comedy-academy

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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The Best Man Holiday, the Dwyane Wade Sitcom and…

I do not have a daily podcast (believe me, the people are barely clamoring for a weekly one), but today is a day where I have a series of miscellaneous things I want to share that do not warrant a full blog treatment, but are bigger than mere tweets.  Well, since I am bored out of my mind with a bunch of 141 character thoughts I thought I would drop them here.  Enjoy this pot pie of comedy nonsense.

1)The Dwyane Wade Sitcom – the life of Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat star and alleged giver of an STD to his ex wife has a sitcom based on his life.  My guess it will follow the lead of Michael Strahan’s 4 episode sitcom on Fox, but who knows.  Obviously this could be a golden opportunity for exceedingly tall comedian/actors to get roles.  Here is the preliminary cast I have put together:

 

  • Wade – Romany Malco
  • LeBron James – Terry Crews
  • Greg Oden – Morgan Freeman
  • Chris Bosh – the raptor from Jurassic Park
  • Pat Riley – Michael Douglas
  • Erik Spoelstra – Joseph Gordon Levitt (or Bruno Mars – as someone suggested on Facebook)
  • Commissioner David Stern – Jon Lovitz
  • Shane Battier – J-L Cauvin

2) The Best Man Holiday – I pre-emptively ripped it on this week’s podcast after only seeing the first one.  Well the sequel was very enjoyable and noticeably better and more substantive that the first.  Here are the takeaways:

  • Morris Chestnut should be a bigger star.  It has been 20 years since Boyz in the Hood and he has gone from playing a talented, emotionally nuanced football player to playing a talented, emotionally nuanced football player (at least as far as mainstream/crossover success is concerned).
  • Morris Chestnut and Terrence Howard are very good criers.
  • Morris Chestnut’s character is basically Adrian Peterson professionally (#28), but Tim Tebow personally.
  • Movie was pretty damn funny, especially Howard.
  • The woman that plays Mia looks too much like a female Derrick Favors to me.
  • I have liked Nia Long since that movie with Ted Danson and Whoopi Goldberg in the 1990s and she has aged great, as in barely.
  • Tyler Perry doesn’t understand why people like it.  And is writing his own movie called The Better Man Chooses Christ Over AIDS.

3) The new episode of Chappelle’s Show that is needed  – I watched the Mike Tyson show Undisputed Truth on HBO yesterday and one of my favorite stories is of how he beat up Mitch “Blood” Green in a Harlem street fight.  I have known about the story since it happened, but hearing Tyson flesh out the details only grew the legend.  Not of Tyson, but of Green.  To call Mike  Tyson, “the baddest man on the planet” in his prime, a “fa**ot” in the middle of the street, get beat up and keep coming back for more is the kind of courage-stupidity combination that I secretly wish I had.   Though as a struggling comedian I guess I am closer to it than most people.  Now instead of Charlie Murphy telling stories about Rick James for an episode have Mike Tyson telling the story about the night he fought Green for a full episode with Chappelle playing Green. Start engraving my name on an Emmy.

Check out my web series fund raising campaign here – http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/comedy-academy

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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48 Hours to Reach a Goal

There are various significant meanings to 48 Hours.  It is the best window of time to find a kidnapped child.  It is also a comedy about a black person and a white person arguing and hating each other while trying to solve a crime. And as of today it is a fundraising deadline for me  that combines the joy of a kidnapped child with the hilarity and tension of a person born of a black person and white person who constantly argue with each other.  Was this an incredible stretch to humorously introduce information about my fundraising campaign? Yes.

Here is the deal loyal readers of the blog and consumers of my comedy content: Friday night marks the halfway point of my fundraising campaign for Comedy Academy, my web series featuring me playing a series of famous comedians running a fictional comedy school.  Friends and fans have been incredibly generous and I am at $1200 13 days into the campaign.  But here is the deal – I need to raise $550 in the next 48 hours to reach my halfway goal by… the halfway point of the campaign.  If you have enjoyed the stuff I have produced over the years please consider giving.  You get various amounts of comedy stuff for giving more, so please check out the campaign and pick a level that fits with your economic situation and love of good comedy (and then spread to friends).  All a long way of saying – please check out the campaign and contribute please!

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/comedy-academy

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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Wintersville Is Coming and My Potential Political Career: Weekend…

Last Thursday I was doing Jimmy Failla’s radio show and at the end he asked me if I was performing anywhere this weekend and out of instinct I said, “nope.”  But then I quickly realized, “Wait, yes I am!”  At this point, bookings feel more like Christmas miracles, so I hope it is understandable that I forgot.  This gig was particularly interesting since it was for a show in my girlfriend’s hometown (Wintersville, the town next to Steubenville, the town made famous for its high school football rape case/tweets earlier this year, which of course made Wintersville’s new welcome sign of “The Small Town that Doesn’t Rape” quite sensible).  I was featuring for her, but given our respective heights and levels of cheeriness, I went Drago before my set and told her “I must break you.”

 

Before the show I went to my girlfriend’s childhood home and given that the tallest person in her family is about 5’11”, it was not surprising that I was bumping my shoulder on some of the light fixtures (lesser men might bump their head, but as a member of the Mensa-esque division of the overactive pituitary club I can sometimes bump my shoulder into low hanging lights. Basically, I looked like Gandalf visiting Bilbo Baggins.

Side note – the Keystone train of Amtrak does not have a snack car.  We took the train from NYC to Harrisburg, PA and then drove from Harrisburg to Wintersville and I was very disappointed that the Keystone has no snack car.  I assume it was Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station that lobbied for this.  There is a 20 minute stop in Philly before moving on to the rest of Pennsylvania so it turns all the passengers on the train into post-Apocalypse scavengers looking to build up supplies for the journey into Tea Party regions of Pennsylvania.

OK – back to the show.  When we arrived at the restaurant that has weekly (I think it’s weekly, maybe monthly, I have no idea) comedy I saw that the average color was bleach, the average age was life support and the average political leaning felt like “Ted Cruz is a liberal traitor.”  And yet, to quote the sports cliché, this is why you play the game.  They turned out to be a great comedy crowd.  Laughed a lot, minimal crowd input unless explicitly asked or spoken too, and just a pleasure to perform for.  Gigs like this make me feel good as a comedian, because even four years ago I could have easily bombed in front of a crowd like this. Just proves that the more you write and the more experience you gain performing for and learning from different crowds, the fewer crowds you cannot win over.  I am now certain that my skills and volume of material put me in position to win over any crowd in America, other than television executives and NYC club bookers.

One of the highlights of the show was an audience member, “John,” who looked like Barry Melrose, if he was raised in Texas instead of Canada.  This guy was a phenomenal audience member, a good sport and an anthropologist/archaeologist (hence my nickname of Indiana Melrose for him).  What fascinated me (pardon me if this sounds too much like a sheltered Yankee) was that he was a gun carrier, but did not seem like an unreasonable nut job (I am exaggerating for effect).  We did not have time to discuss gun rights, though it was sort of a novel feeling to meet a guy who liked carrying a gun, but who did not scare me for wanting to carry a gun.  I would have liked to ask him if he was for more background checks, etc., but he was an interesting contradiction of assumptions – a gun toting academic from a small town who looked like a young villainous Gary Oldman.

 

This may have seemed like all superfluous information, but when people wonder why I hate not getting more road work it I because I love everything about the road. I like travelling (reading time not distracted by TV, games, etc), I like hotels (except for the blood stained sheets at the New Haven La Quinta Inn) and I have enjoyed travelling to different cities in America and seeing stereotypes confirmed and refuted.  Maybe one day I will run for political office and be able to say:

“A lot of politicians say they understand you, but a comedian can honestly make that claim.  I have travelled to cities all over this country by plane, train, bus and car.  I have been to your stores, your malls, your tourist attractions, your Churches, your strip clubs and your comedy clubs.  I know our differences, but also our similarities.  I have had a lot of money and I have also struggled.  All this has been made possible by my career in stand up comedy. And I would have not understood and experienced financial struggles and dream crushing frustrations without one group of American heroes. God Bless the comedy club bookers!”

But seriously, I was a former ADA (“tough on crime, just ask Craig’s List prostitutes”), worked in the private sector (“may not have understood all the he did, but did understand how to bill clients”) and charismatic on the stump “engaging and funny on stage, sort of hard to believe clubs never paid him”. This is a great combination of experience and skills for political office.  Cauvin 2028 – get those bumper stickers ready!  I am already thinking a good slogan will be “Cauvin – Do Not Be Offended By His Old Tweets Please.”

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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Pretty: the Worst Word in Comedy

At least once a year I like to scold comedy audiences and consumers of comedy content (I turn the gun on the comedy industry enough) and this year’s scolding is about the word “pretty.”  And first let me apologize if the title to this blog misled readers thinking they might get a screed against women in comedy.  I am not Buzzfeed, Salon, EliteDaily or any of hundreds of shitty websites people continue to post from based on descriptions like “19 things people do with odd numbers” and “our 1,00,799th video this week that will change the way you feel about everything.”  It is simply a post about the worst word in comedy.

This week alone I received a tweet and a post show compliment describing work I had done as “pretty good.”  There are many adverbs that are perfectly acceptable to describe comedic endeavors”, but “pretty” is not one of them.  Here are the things I would rather hear than “pretty” good:

  • very good
  • really good
  • good
  • quite good
  • not good
  • not at all good
  • I hope you die

This may seem odd, but let me explain – comedy, especially of the opinionated type, is 80% making you laugh, 20% making you feel/think.  That means for every four wholehearted compliments I receive I also expect one person to have been made to have  negative reaction.  It is sort of like why I like Christopher Nolan and Tyler Perry films – one is to make me enjoy myself and the other is to place my rage.  That is why if Tyler Perry ever makes a movie that is not an F I will be disappointed.  There is no bigger waste of time in entertainment than hearing or watching a C+.  I want to see things at the extremes – great or horrible.  And that is what I want people to feel when they hear me do stand up.  I know that most people that hear me will enjoy what I do, but people who have a bad reaction to me almost validate my approach.  40 people laughing hard and 10 people scowling is sort of the ideal ratio for me.

And that is why when someone says “that was pretty funny/good” I feel like someone is scratching their nails across a blackboard.  That is because pretty in that context is a negative modifier.  “That was good” sounds like a compliment.  “That was pretty good” sound like you are rationing compliments during a compliment drought in a post-apocalyptic comedy world.  And it is a conscious decision.  Most, but not all of the time it is a guy, but here is a more thorough statistical breakdown:

  • 88% Men
  • 12% Women
  • Among the men – 70% Dude/bros (or dude/bros emeritus) and 30% socially awkward, and 90% of all the men with girlfriends/wives
  • 99% of the women – bitchy

In other words, after over a decade of getting a full range of compliments I have a large enough sample size to make this somewhere between anecdotal and scientific.  And the word pretty is almost always used by people who enjoyed the show, but somehow want to be withholding in their compliments.  Don’t these people know that most comedians are in this game because of withholding parents and don’t need a fresh dose?  But of course if a vast majority of the “pretty” people are assholes to begin with what is the point in addressing this?  They are either too insecure, too tone deaf or too stupid to give proper compliments (or to say nothing), so why even write about it?  Well, simply put, here are the two reasons:

  1. Now, when greeted with a “that was pretty good” I basically tell the people to keep it moving, in not so many words.  On multiple occasions my dismissive acceptance of their compliment has led to a follow up, “No, really good stuff man.”  So am I an asshole? Maybe.  But if someone wants to give you a half compliment to feel empowered do I give a shit how they feel about me? Nope.  So feel free to shame an asshole giving an intentionally marginalized compliment.
  2. I had writer’s block today.  So feel free to call this post “pretty good.” At least it would be the truth in this case.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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Halloween Blog

Well it is Halloween so here is a photo:

 

I went as a vampire to a lot of early Halloweens. Apparently my Mom wanted Dracula to have a Little Rascals hairsyle.

The only relevant thought I want to share here is that Halloween is a bad movie and The Exorcist is the scariest movie of all time.  That is all.

For more opinions, serious and comedic, about Halloween check out this week’s  Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER.

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Who is the Next Lebron James (for trolls)?

The NBA season got started last night and Lebron James and the Miami Heat easily dispatched with the fully recovered Chicago Bulls.  With three Finals appearances and back-to-back titles for Lebron in the last three seasons, only those with Tea Party-to-Obama level hate/obsession with Lebron can still find fault with the man as a player.  He has delivered in every single way that critics demanded and now he is to that next level of “Can he be the greatest of all time” phase of his career, now that he is clearly “one of the all time greats.” (Please click HERE for last year’s tour de force post before Game 7 of the Finals or this gem from right before Lebron’s 2012 Game 6 against the Celtics, i.e. I have always been right). But before the Lebron Tea Party gets fired up and starts spouting Michael Jordan stats at me, that is not the point of this blog.  The point is that in our Internet troll, never apologize, just-move-on-to-the-next-potential-carcass-for-www-vultures culture, it is time to start picking apart NBA stars who are the next “he sucks because he has not won a title” guys.  Never mind that in history, if Lebron ends up as a top 5 or better player of all time we will eventually regard players who lost to him as all time greats anyway (no one really rips Malone, Barkley, Stockton, Payton, or Ewing anymore for not defeating Michael Jordan – in hindsight it merely elevates Jordan’s legacy for vanquishing so many worthy opponents).  And never mind that all of these guys on the list are under 30 years old.  Because we are in the age and spirit of Twitter, the Internet is sure to be full of blogs questioning the heart, commitment, skills and toughness of lots of guys in the next year or so.  So here are the guys I think are up for the New Lebron (for trolls) Award:

(Quick Side note – I think Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is sort of right to be annoyed that he is always left out of GOAT discussions – 6 MVPs, 5 titles, all-time leading NBA scorer and a high school and college phenom who fulfilled all of his promise – just a thought – even though his sky hook was sort of like a video game cheat move that respectable gamers would ban each other from using).

The formula I use is a non-scientific combination of talent + exposure + opportunity + fun to watch (because trolls especially love trashing people who are fun to watch so they appear more grounded and knowledgeable):

8. Carmelo Anthony – I think he barely makes the list because very few people outside of NY believe that Anthony really has the game or mentality to actually lead a team to a title.  I think after the Knicks get bounced in the first round of the playoffs this year people will sort of justifiably stop even worrying about whether Melo is a champion.  But for this year, being in NY will be enough for there to be lots of “Melo is not a winner” chatter.  I actually agree with this one.

7. Blake Griffin – one of the most fun players to watch makes him a prime target for armchair experts to question his commitment (HE’S ALSO IN LOTS OF FUN COMMERCIALS!) and whether he is working on his game enough. Because Chris Paul gets the “amazing leader/culture changer” label that Kevin Garnett got to have going to Boston, the main heat will continue to fall on the fun, but flawed star.

6. Steph Curry – Since he was so explosive last year (and as fun to watch as a guard as Griffin is as a big man, probably even more fun) that gives trolls an immediate chance to be the first to declare Steph Curry “overrated” or “lacking in championship DNA.”

5. Paul George – the darling surprise of last year’s playoffs is a very complete player. Young, rangy, plays well on both sides of the floor are all good qualities, but a year after America even discovered this guy if he loses to Lebron again, instead of giving greatness credit to Lebron they will start asking of a 24 year old, “Will he EVER win a title????”

4. James Harden-Dwight Howard – Dwight (or Da-Wight if you are any number of excitable black journalists on television) Howard is such a (somewhat deservedly) reviled doofus in the NBA that I think they will tire of bashing him and allow some of their hate to drip on to James Harden. Like George, Harden shocked dummies last year with how well he played as a number one target (which then forced people to switch from praising Harden to troll the Oklahoma City Thunder for being “so stupid” to let him go) that now trolls are hoping they can start calling him overrated and say that he and Howard are not winners, if they do not win in their first year together in a very deep western conference.

3. Deron Williams – not as good as a few of the players listed below, but trolls love burying guys forever and if Deron cannot make a serious title run with Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Jason Terry, Joe Johnson and Brook Lopez then he will have done the least with the most among top tier teams.  And Brook Lopez and Joe Johnson are not serious enough to hate and Pierce and Garnett are now 45 year old champions so it all falls on Deron.  He may not be considered as good as some players on this list, but haters and trolls smell a carcass near the end if he fails to win and that makes them salivate.

2. Derrick Rose – Injuries and hate of the Heat have given Derrick Rose a pass (hate of Lebron forced people to ignore that Lebron shut Rose down late in the 2011 series when they played), but now that he is healthy, has a team people think can challenge the Heat and he stayed out all last season (the haters and trolls started to take a whiff of Rose when he sat out the whole playoffs, as if preparing for a full attack on him if he fails to dethrone Lebron in 2013-14).  The nation loves Rose as an anti-Lebron, but he may become their new Lebron if he fails to make noise this year.

1. Kevin Durant – I saw it happen last year on social media and it pissed me off.  Durant went from “I might take him ahead of Lebron if I had to start a franchise today” guy to “He cannot lead a team and is not complete enough (even though he went to the playoffs without his two best players that he had going to the Finals the year before).”  Ignoring that he was a 3 time scoring champ by age 24, that he led a team to the NBA finals at 23 and that his game continues to methodically improve, haters did not have Lebron to hate anymore so they moved on to the next best thing. Which is the best compliment one can give to Kevin Durant.

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