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The Top 5 (JL) Sketches of 2015!

The end of another year brings with it many things, but none more important than the variety of lists I will release on my unpaid media empire.  I have made several sketch videos this year and because of social media metrics, lack of interest and just general business failure you may not have seen some or all of these.  I hope you enjoy the list and will subscribe to the channel and share your favorite(s) or the whole list with friends and fans.  Next year promises more good stuff (some already written and on January 1st I get a dog, which means I will be able to force her to be in pet-centered sketches and movie reviews), but for your enjoyment at the holidays here are the Top 5 of 2015:

5) Tim Cook – a parody of Aaron Sorkin’s Steve Jobs’ biopic.

4) Joel Osteen’s Lost Sermon – this impression and parody of Megachurch Pastor Joel Osteen has generated my most dislikes this year as well as defensive comments from Osteen defenders

3) 12 Years A Bringer – a cinematic tour de force linking slavery and the scourge of bringer shows in stand up comedy

2) Donald Trump debates Bernie Sanders about Black Jedis –

1) Ken Burns’ Comedy: Episode 1 – I did a lot of obscure voice over impressions on this one, but as a Ken Burns’ fan I most enjoyed and am most proud of this video above all others this year:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Time Magazine’s 2015 Person of the Year: The Scared…

This year there has been no shortage of big stories, controversies and entertainment and it would seem that Time’s board would have a tough task choosing its 2015 Person of the Year.  There’s news makers like Pope Francis, Vladimir Putin and President Obama to name a few.  There’s Lin Manuel Miranda, whose Hamilton on Broadway is basically what would happen if Alexander Hamilton re-wrote Biggie’s Ready to Die about his own life, but without Puff Daddy “uh-huh”-ing throughout.  There’s Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders, both of whom have shaken up their respective ends of the political world.  But I think at this point the person of the year should be clear.  2015’s person of the year has been overdue for a few years, but now with the ascendancy of Donald Trump and the success of Jurassic World, this year’s person of the year must be:

the scared white person.

Exhibit A – Donald Trump

No one has given voice to the scared white person, and has allowed them to flex their collective muscle like Donald Trump.  He became a front runner, with remarkable staying power considering his lack of substance and our collective ADD, on the strength of demonizing Mexican immigrants and touting his own vague prowess at everything.  And his nearest challenger is from Dr. Ben Carson, a man who finally started to climb the polls by criticizing shooting victims and demonizing his brown people of choice, Muslims.

 

Exhibit B – Jurassic World

No movie hit bigger in 2015 than Jurassic World, which is now a top five grossing film of all time.  I thought it was much more Jurassic Parks 2 & 3, than it was the excellent original, but pretty white people running from dinosaurs was enough to destroy even The Avengers (confident white people/superheroes not as popular this year).

 

Exhibit C – More Mass Shootings, Less Gun Control

Scared people (probably of all races, but come on…) had to deal with a few more mass shootings in 2015 and as usual found comfort in boosting gun sales to combat their fear of being victims… not of being shot (then gun control might be their preferred approach), but of having the scary black president taking unprecedented action and “Taykin’ they guns!!!!”

Exhibit D – Ashley Madison hack

Nothing sent shock waves throughout the white male community like the Ashley Madison hack.  As we learned from the (edited) viral street harassment video, men of color don’t need a secretive website to holler at women.

Exhibit E – Benjamin Netanyahu 

Exhibit F – Unreasonably nervous 911 callers continue to get black people shot  

Watching the video today of the police officer brutally assaulting a misbehaving black girl in her classroom reminded me of something – many of the cases involving shot/murdered unarmed black people by law enforcement involve a call to police from a nervous (white) person. At least in the classroom case it was a nervous (but more likely annoyed) black person calling on the police (the teacher), but the result was the same: a black person violated at the hands of a police officer.  But in so many of the cases in the last few years I always wonder “what scared white person reported this?”  Because in all fairness to the cops, even the ones who have taken excessive action, I have to assume getting a call from 911 saying “there’s a (black) guy with a gun” will heighten the officer’s tension and preparation for danger, more than a call less soaked in fear (or, obviously, if a call never comes).  But in reality the officer was just doing physically what one-half of Republican primary voters have been supporting from Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson verbally – the abuse of people of color.  So for all these reasons, both serious and humorous, Time’s 2015 Person of the Year is the Scared White Person.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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When Empowerment and Awareness Go Wrong

One need only turn on the debate of one of America’s two major political parties to know what women do not get a fair shake in our society, STILL, in 2015. I mean if a rich, arrogant man speaks to a beautiful, intelligent woman like Megyn Kelly with contempt and disrespect, what hope is there for a 7 or… gulp… a 5 or below in our culture?  Watching Trump rise in the polls for his brash and insensitive talk about women is almost as disturbing as the other more mainstream GOP candidates talk about women’s issues with 19th century paternalism.  So for all my jokes about women needing empowerment, and all the assorted hashtags that have accompanied it in recent years, it is clear that women’s rights and awareness for their issues is still in a critical phase.  That is why I am using my blog to highlight some of the bored and weird women raising awareness for issues that should be considered 10th tier issues for women who are not bored with their lives and lack of purpose.  Inspired by Dave Chappelle’s “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong” here is “When Empowerment and Awareness Go Wrong:”

The Woman Who Ran a Marathon Without A Tampon

Kiran Gandhi, a 26 year old Harvard Business School grad ran the London Marathon on her Megyn Kelly to raise awareness for women without access to feminine products and to encourage women not to be embarrassed about their periods.  Huh? I get that lack of access to important hygienic products can be important (I would hope she helped raise money for this as well), but period-shaming/empowerment is now a thing requiring an awareness campaign? As Gandhi (not the one who helped free a nation, but the real hero without a tampon) said, “I ran with blood dripping down my legs for sisters who don’t have access to tampons and sisters who, despite cramping and pain, hide it away and pretend like it doesn’t exist.”  I might be part of the primitive part of the culture that thinks a woman with blood seeping from her vagina through her pants is kind of gross, but I have never dated a woman who had a problem telling me (or just demonstrating through poor attitude – AM I RIGHT FELLAS???!) when she was on her period, and frankly is it now “shaming” to not share your bodily excretions with co-workers, acquaintances and strangers?  Well in that case, please join me in your favorite pair of white underwear in NYC next Saturday for “Skidmark Awareness Saturday.”

Breast Feeding As a Constitutional Right

The other story that caught my attention was a breast feeding rally at City Hall and then a subway ride to raise awareness of breast feeding discrimination.  I am still getting used to people putting their bare feet on Metro north seats and now I am the new class of bigots that do a double take when a woman pops out a boob to feed her kid?  This is part of what I think should be called the “Bored Moms In Need of a Sense of Meaning” mafia.  There just are not enough selfies and yoga classes in the world to satisfy these ladies so now every thing they do has added weight.  Of course there are times where you must feed your child that are inconvenient, but why should it be the norm that you feed your kid wherever you please if you have a choice or alternative? Farting is natural, but if I do it in an elevator with other people I have the class to blame it on someone else because I was raised with a sense of decorum.  I might be OK with breastfeeding on subways if the woman about to breastfeed yelled out “SHOWTIME PEOPLE!” before doing so, like their break dancing counterparts.  My favorite line in the article is that Representative Carolyn Mahoney said that breastfeeding should be a “Constitutional Right.”  How did the Founding Fathers miss that one?! It is legal in NY, but the women say they still face discrimination and are fired for breast feeding in public.  I would be curious how exactly many firings require a rally – 2? – gay people cannot get an anti-discrimination law passed in Congress, but hopefully both parties can come together to ensure that women no longer get strange looks when they pop out a boob at Chipotle.

I feel like women protesting why their dry cleaning costs more than men’s clothing, for less fabric usually would be more sensible and practical. But I am probably mansplaining or something,

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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The GOP Primary Is The Real Last Comic Standing

This month Last Comic Standing will begin another season on NBC, giving 100 comedians a chance to gain wider exposure for their comedy and, for some of them, increase their bookings and earning power.  It will feature men and women of different backgrounds and orientations and eventually a gay comedian will be named the winner (last year I correctly predicted before the season began that a black man would win. This year, given the political and social climate, as well as the fact that there has never been a gay winner of Last Comic Standing – and producers, not audience pick the winner, I am confident a gay person will win), But at the end of the day that is only a comedy contest on television and will have little impact on most of our lives, except perhaps for struggling feature comics who will be bumped down the list at clubs in favor of 3 year veterans with 11 minutes of material – BUT I DIGRESSS.  The more meaningful and almost certainly more hilarious reality competition show that has already started is the Republican Party’s nomination for president process.  They are up to 14 nominees and by the end of the Summer they may be close to the 100 of Last Comic Standing.  And much like LCS, the large Republican field has a diverse array of gender (well, 1 woman), races, sexual orientations (I see you Lindsey Graham) and body types (the angry Louie Anderson/Bobby Bacala himself Chris Christie).  So if you can handle more than one reality comedy competition here’s your LCS style breakdown of the Republican field:

Donald Trump – the only candidate that could cross over and win both the bigoted, insane base of the Republican party AND make the finals of Last Comic Standing, as long as they believed he was an alt-comic character (i.e. hiding his general lack of comedy writing behind one long, uncomfortable note of “a character”)

Carly Fiorina – a woman who failed as CEO of Hewlett Packard… in other words proof that women can ruin businesses just as well as men. And I am sure she is hilarious because women have been and always will be as funny as men, if not funnier.

Ben Carson – a doctor with an inspiring life story who also believes Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to America since slavery.  Here is where Republicans and the comedy industry blend perfectly – both love black men who believe that racism is a thing of the past and would rather spin tales to make white people completely comfortable

Rand Paul – also a doctor, but being an eye doctor next to Ben Carson’s pediatric neurosurgeon, he might as well be a podiatrist and not even mention it.  He would be the type of comic that fans would love until they saw him pandering with safer, time-worn jokes to win over the tepid NBC/rabid GOP crowd.

Chris Christie – might do better on LCS because fat comics have always been more welcomed than fat politicians.  H will “tell it like it is” which would serve him well for a while on LCS until people realize he is not that funny. Just full of bluster and trans fats.

Marco Rubio – would go far in Last Comic Stading because Latino = good diversity and then, much like his presidential campaign and most Latin comics, people would realize that he is not interesting (not funny) and should get the equivalent of a John Leguizamo one man show – a stint on Fox News.

Jeb Bush – famous name is good for ratings, good experience and from a key state full of funny stories, Jeb Bush would go far on LCS.

Bobby Jindal – also very trump like ability to do better on LCS than the GOP nominating process.  He practically looks and sounds like a Jeff Dunham puppet. Ultra religious conservative Indian American Rhodes Scholar with a southern accent. Jeff Dunham’s next closer.

Ted Cruz – Recently posted a video of himself doing impressions of Simpsons characters.  It was the least funny thing in the history of the Internet. But he is Canadian and Latin and unattractive and those are all things that tend to do well in comedy, regardless of actual funniness so don’t bet against Cruz crushing it on LCS.

Rick Santorum – that comic that has made the semi-finals a few times but never goes on. Boring, but still gets to headline all the Comedy Zone clubs.

Lindsey Graham – If this were Last Comic Standing, Grahams’genteel nature, southern accent and confirmed bachelor status would put him right at the top of my list for potential winners, but as for the GOP nomination, it doesn’t matter how many brown people he is willing to bomb, without a wife and kids he has no chance.

Mike Huckabee – the guy who used to charm with some jokes and speaking to some of the more compassionate angles of Christianity, he has reverted back to being fat and more sarcastically hateful with his rhetoric.  So even if LCS wouldn’t work out, he might land a spot with Anthony Cumia on a podcast.

George Pataki – the veteran who missed his chance but will still get to compete.  He is tall, has good experience and is moderate by the modern GOP’s inquisition-level of tolerance in 2015. But alas, he is boring. Perhaps if he hits himself in the head with the mic, pretending it is a penis, during either a debate or an LCS performance, he might move on

Rick Perry – although Ben Carson is the only black nominee, Perry did vacation at Nig*erhead Ranch so he might be able to rally Black Twitter to support him, as long as they don’t see that he actually looks like a dusty Josh Brolin.  Still could do well in LCS if he remembers all three part of the rule of 3.

(and about to become 15) Scott Walker – Midwestern, white, solid experience, trashes gays and unions – would have been a top choice for LCS for the first 5 years, but is clearly the front runner for the GOP in 2015.

So I am thinking that a  gay comic wins Last Comic Standing, but that a gay-bashing Midwesterner wins the GOP nomination.  But all of them are really just in this to up their speaking fees and lobby for appearances/shows on Fox News  (the Sarah Palin plan).  It is the same thing the real comedians will be doing on Last Comic Standing, except there is no danger there since none of the comics will have a 50/50 chance of running the country.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!