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America’s Next Top Motherfuc*ing Model

I guess women shorter than 5’7″ shouldn’t model.

Mayhem broke out yesterday at an open call audition for the CW’s show “America’s Next Top Model.”  For those of you that don’t know, the show airs on the CW, the LaToya Jackson of the networks.  There was an unusually high turnout for the show because, according to producers, it was the first season only open to women 5’7″ and shorter.  The melee that ensued I guess shows what men have known and what the show’s producers have now learned – that you don’t have to be super tall, beautiful and anorexic to be a crazy bitch; they apparently come in all looks and sizes.  And what a shock that competitive women seeking an opportunity based solely on their looks would get into a fight – you’d think women of such substantive value would be able to resolve conflict peacefully.

The audition was closed after the melee broke out (numerous reports of either a gun, a fight at the front of the line, and/or a claim that a car was on fire and about to explode).  What I got a kick out of was hearing women on television and reading other quotes in the paper that “this was my lifelong dream” or “my dream is ruined.”  If the lottery is a tax on poor people, then reality shows are public assistance for stupid women.  “Your dream?”  It is a reality show.  These things have only been around for a decade so what did you dream of before then, a spot on Cops? 

And does anyone realize that 99% of these lineups are just for short clips on the show to show how many people showed up?  If this show is anything like Last Comic Sanding or American Idol, the people with a chance at the finals are in the hundreds, not the tens of thousands that show up.  In two years in NYC, one comic got to the NY finals of Last Comic Standing without a pre-booked audition.  People who had auditions in some cases were actually asked to get on line before or after their pre-booked audition to look like they waited on line.

And the worst part of the ATM story is that the women I saw on television talking about their dream being ruined never had a chance.  One homely woman named Shiquita (like the banana, but misspelled I assume) was crying that she had come from Richmond and had almost made it in when the auditions were closed.   Perhaps it is time for Shiquita and these women to wake up from their dream, the one that they are living in where they are beautiful women, inside or out.

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The Good, the Bad and Watchmen

Some lists for the week.

The Good

  1. American Idol – A few weeks ago when they announced the Top 36 contestants I picked my Top 5. All 5 of my picks are in the Top 13.  https://jlcauvin.com/?p=622 So I guess I am actually on my list of good.  This show is good.  I constantly hate myself for feeling this way, but it is.
  2. March Comedy Madness at Caroline’s – 2 years ago I made the Sweet 16.  Last year I made the Elite 8.  After going through a broken up engagement and gaining a sick Obama impression I have done the equivalent of comedy performance enhancing drugs to try and win the thing.  1st round this Wednesday – check the calendar for info.  Note: this could be bumped to the bad list immediately upon me getting bounced from the tournament.
  3. HBO Sunday nights.  – Eastbound and Down is an absolutely great comedy. Flight of the Conchords has been hit and miss, but the last two episodes have been amazing.  And Big Love – a show whose first two seasons I watched on demand simply because there was nothing on television  last summer – is off the charts great this season.
  4. My Best Friend’s Girl – I ordered this movie on demand, making it the first time I had paid for anything featuring Dane Cook since a 2004 performance at Caroline’s.  It started out shaky, but I really enjoyed the movie.  Perhaps it was because my expectations were lower than Paul Blart: Mall Cop ( and even given those expectations, quite possibly the worst movie ever made), but if this had been his first movie instead of his 6th or 7th his film career might have a different trajectory. 
  5. The Utah Jazz – 11 wins in a row.  My favorite thing on Earth other than my own jokes is the Utah Jazz.

 

The Bad

  1. Rihanna and Chris Brown – I have harped on them enough, but this couple – the young black version of Michael and Kay Corleone in Godfather II – should both have their careers go up in flames.
  2. The Heartland Institute – their Conference on Climate Change in NYC over the next few days is and effort to show that global warming is either hoax or greatly exaggerated.  I wish there was a way to ensure that only them and like minded skeptics/non-believers of fact would die in the event of environmental catastrophe.  http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/09/science/earth/09climate.html?_r=1&ref=us
  3. 24 – The President is being held hostage.  Even for a far fetched show – this season sucks.  The only thing good related to this show will be my forthcoming spoof.

Watchmen

I saw this movie this weekend.  It was ok if you like movies. It was great if you like neon blue penis shots.

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My Experiment With A Performance Enhancing Drug

My iPod playlist on steroids.

I have been asked once in my life whether I was on performance enhancing substances.  It was when I put on 35 pounds  and added 45 lbs to my bench press in 3 1/2 months my junior year of college.  That was just the result of eating about 5,000 calories a day and lifting for about two hours a day with two friends who were offensive lineman on the football team.   But beyond that my life has resembled a macrocosm of a wrestler’s season.

  • September 1997 – 205 lbs
  • September 1998-March 2000 – 240 lbs
  • May 2000 – 270 lbs (mentioned above)
  • September 2000 – 248 lbs (a bench warming beast in college hoops)
  • September 2001 – 240 lbs (1st yr of law school)
  •  June 2002 – 260 lbs
  • September 2002  – 232 lbs (body fat resembled law school, both too low)
  • September 2004 (start DA’s office) – 245 lbs
  • March 2006 – 284 lbs (career high – lesson: donuts are bad for you)
  • July 2007 – 233 lbs (proof that stress/increase in being mindfuc-ed + exercise = loss of appetite and good abs)
  • January 2008 – 265 lbs and dropping (Dominos + cupcakes + lifting + no cardio)

I am laying out this time line so that I do not have to make any A-Rod excuses for any increase in jacked-ness that occurs over the next fewmonths (even though I still will claim to be immature and amateur and stupid well into my forties).  But as I close in on the age of 30 (thank God I’m not a woman or that would be scary!) I am realizing that my ability to shed weight like a leper or a diabetic will become tougher and tougher so I think this has to be the last time I pull this sh*t.  So now what do I do to get back down with keeping in my all natural approach?  The iPod playlist has become my performance enhancer and I am going to share it with all of you now so that you can take your workouts to the next level.  And people keep telling me about The Secret (envision your future success and you will have it – a/k/a horsesh*t).  Here is what I listened to in the weight room today and my corresponding visions:

  1. 8 Mile – Eminem (perfect montage for an aspiring comedian – I will go for comedy no matter what – hooray!)
  2. American Idiot – Green Day (me in a lawyer suit)
  3. Flashing Lights – Kanye West (“she don’t believe in shooting stars, but she believes in shoes and cars” – no, only positive thoughts, remember!)
  4. Live Your Life – T.I. (yeah, you are going to make it – Jesus, I am getting Fu-king corny)
  5. Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey (I have reached my destination – fully immersed in the cornfield)
  6. The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning – Smashing Pumpkins (this is a cool song from the Watchmen preview – I wonder if I’ll ever be in a movie – this song sounds like the apocalypse – why did that old bit*h just steal my spot on the bench?)
  7. Forever – Chris Brown (poor Rihanna, well maybe she’s a bit*h, dark place – yikes – next song)
  8. Invisible – Clay Aiken (what the fu-k? how did that get in there – did that chick see Clay Aiken’s picture on my iPod?)
  9. Light On – David Cook (finally an American Idol I can be proud to have in my iPod. I think.  song about leaving loved ones for life on the road.  life on the road will be lonely, but at least I will be working.  does an open mic in the west village tonight count as life on the road?)
  10. Proud Mary – Tina and Ike Turner (“Left a good job in the city”  Yes I did!  Well, technically I was going to leave a good job in the city, but a few months earlier the good job in the city said, “why don’t you stop workin’ for the man every nigh and day.  we insist.”)
  11. Hurt – Johnny Cash (imagining a painful second divorce later in life when my successful comedy is winding down)
  12. The Wrestler – Bruce Springsteen (not going to give up the ending of the movie, but let’s just say I am seeing the end of my comedy career)

With this playlist I am pretty sure I will get back into shape and have a wonderful comedy career that eventually ends in loneliness and despair with Marisa Tomei ditching me at New York Comedy Club.  Let’s hope The Secret is as bullsh*t as I think it is.