Killing, Dying and a Clown’s breasts

On Thursday I had a great set at Gotham Comedy Club’s open mic. Nothing more needs to be said about it. And I wouldn’t think to say anything about it, except for the fact that the show Friday was such a contrast.

On Friday night I was at the Teabag (nice name) Variety Show in Chinatown. Usually a nice crowd and Friday was no different. They didn’t seem to enjoy my jokes as much, but that is how comedy works. The real fireworks began after I got off stage.

That night there was a woman there to perform. The best way to describe her was that she was dressed like a really slutty clown. She had the largest back tattoo I’ve seen on a woman – it was DNA or RNA all down her back – very strange. She would either enhance or cure your fear of clowns if you have one. So she gets on stage and says that since the show is a variety hour she decided to bring her burlesque performance to the show. One of the producers of the show asked me what burlesque was and not being quite sure I said, “Maybe she’s a Can Can girl.” None of us truly knew what we would see.

She began by telling a few jokes and blowing a clown horn. She then continued to blow the clown horn… with her cleavage. Then she continued to blow the horn with her butt cheeks. All this while getting progressively more naked. She then began popping her balloons (part of her clown disguise) in between her legs – it was covered by her skirt.

Then came the piece de resistance.

She then pulled off her top to reveal pasties and began whirling her breasts around in flying circles. I knew I would have to write this story because when my HBO special Tallgasm debuts in 2028 I want a great, “Remember when I was a struggling comic and the pasties girl went on stage after me. That’s when I realized I would never make it.”

I then went to check out another open mic with Lance Weiss (a comic from Atlanta, by way of G-Town undergrad), who pronounces his last name “Weece,” because in the South it is illegal to pronounce your name “Wice” because of its high “Jewiness.” Anyway, I then went to Maui Taco, the basement of a fast food taco restaurant on 33rd and 5th. While waiting for spots (we decided not to because we would have been there for a long time) I say probably the worst comic in the world right now. I don’t hate on too many comics, but I am not sure this guy gets it. Take Yakov Smirnoff, subtract the comedic genius and you have this guy. Ouch.

The point of this is that when Dane Cook said on Tourgasm that he wanted to show people what being a comedian was all about. Fair enough.

Well I am pitching a documentary series to HBO on what it is like being a struggling comic. It would be called “Somebody kill me on Friday night, but only after the clown stops shaking around.”

A hit in the making.

Come check out the product of this work on Tuesday at Gotham. Check calendar and MySpace for info.