Indefensible: The Ascent Of The Adult Gummy Vitamin

I saw an ad recently for One-A-Day (the multi-vitamin seller) Gummy Vitamins.  These vitamins are for adults.  Because after all haven’t you ever been having a multi-vitamin with a glass of juice, coffee or water in the morning and just thought, “God, if only there was a way to get my vitamins and minerals without putting up with all the fu-king bullsh*t that comes with a multi-vitamin!”  Well now, finally, grown adults don’t have to suffer the indignity and hardship of maintaining a healthy lifestyle for 1-3 seconds without enjoying a piece of candy. 

You have six months to live.  I am sorry, if only they had gummy vitamins when you were younger you might have gotten the minerals you needed.  No one could expect you to handle a hard, cumbersome pill every day!
You have six months to live. I am sorry, if only they had gummy vitamins when you were younger you might have gotten the minerals you needed. No one could expect you to handle a hard, cumbersome pill every day!

I thought purchasing condoms, lube and childrens’ toys at the same time at Duane Reade was the most demeaning thing I could do at a pharmacy, but I don’t think it’s anything next to purchasing adult gummy vitamins.  And why are scientists working on this?  Who is not taking a multivitamin because it’s just it’s just too unpleasant an experience?  Chewables already exist for those people with poor gag reflexes or traumatic step father incidents so why are the gummies necessary?  Is there even one person with decades of mineral deficiencies who is treating these vitamins like a Kathy Griffin fan club that just found out a cure for AIDS has been found?

I also just read an article in the NY Times style section about how people in my age group are clinging to their youth (the most offensive example was of colleges, including Princeton and Williams College safety school Middlebury partaking in Quidditch tournaments).

Seriously, just kill yourselves.
Seriously, just kill yourselves.

I have been told that I am too negative sometimes with my blogs and comedy.  First off, fu-k you.  Secondly, if you open your eyes and ears for all our technological advances it keeps looking like we are going backwards.  Adults playing Quidditch and eating candy vitamins may not seem terrible, but it just reminds me of those early 90s Jenny Jones or Jerry Springer episodes where mothers in their 40s would walk out dressed provactively (known today as business casual) their embarrassed daughters would cringe as the mothers did turns shouting things like, “You wish you was as hot as me!  I can have any man in here!  That’s right baby!” and other white trash affirmations. 

Now that we have moved beyond demonizing these trashy people and have given them more respectable terms like “cougars” and “middle school teachers,” we have to continue to compete with youth so we don’t feel older and responsible and like our time has passed.  So we have gummy vitamins for adults only a few months after Flintstones released their gummy vitamins (who the fu-k are these 6 year olds that think they can have all this fun?) and we play Quidditch as college students.  Granted, I am sure these kids are still properly considered losers, but since plastic surgery can only keep you young on the outside while your soul decays underneath I guess now is the time to start acting the age we wish we were.

Time to get back to my Nintendo Wii.

3 COMMENTS
  • Carol
    Reply

    Wow…you seem strangely vehement on this subject and I feel strangely compelled to address said fervor, nearly five months later. I feel this can only end badly, but here I go.

    I wouldn’t call it indefensible.

    I take the adult gummies because I have difficulty swallowing large pills. And, when I lived alone, I got a vitamin stuck in my throat and almost choked to death in my kitchen, with only the cat to oversee my imminent demise. After Heimliching myself on the kitchen counter, I started taking them to work with me, so I’d be in the presence of other humans when consuming them. Then, I had to explain my phobia to co-workers. Slightly embarassing. So yeah, I’m a fan of the gummies. I get my vitamins, they taste good, and I don’t really see anything wrong with that.

    I’m not opposed to a chewable, but haven’t seen any at my store. If you’d like to suggest a brand, perhaps I can ask the store manager if they’ll order it for me and then you’ll sleep a little better knowing that you’ve saved at least one soul from gummy vitamin hell. I can’t help but think all that sounds like a real pain in the ass, compared to just continuing to take the vitamins I already like and can procure with relative ease.

    I’m more or less with you on the Quidditch, though.

    Have a super day…

  • J Hi
    Reply

    Sir:
    Just so you know, it’s evident there are many things in this world you don’t know. I have ULCERS and taking a gummy that can first melt in my mouth makes getting vitamins much less of a painful experience for me. Ooooh, how much you have yet to learn about life…

  • Sarah
    Reply

    I applaud all those who take their health into consideration as so many people do not. So what does it matter in what form you take your vitamins or any other medication for that matter. The fact is you are giving your body what it needs and that put you leaps and bounds above those who are not in tune with their body.

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