Make that 20,999 troops you need Mr. President

So yesterday I received some sad news. I e-mailed someone who works at the LA Improv who had recommended me for a Live at Gotham audition. I had heard of some other comics getting auditions, and like Derek Zoolander I was all ready to accept my 4th male model of the year award. However, the e-mail I received was not good news (although this person at the LA Improv has been nothing but nice and helpful). I did not get a spot. Damn that Hansel, he’s so hot right now.

I promptly tried to put my fist through my desk (which is the same reaction I had when I failed the bar exam by 3 points). But like the bar exam I was over it in about two hours and ready to move on.

And when one door closes, another door opens.

It turns out our President, George W. Bush, wants to send 21,000 more troops into Baghdad. Just when I thought I was unwanted by the comedy world here is our President telling me that I am needed. And not for some outpost skirmish. No he wants me center stage in Baghdad. And this is a double win because I have experienced that whenever I go through a significant life change or decision I am able to come up with lots of good comedic material. And I have to think that serving in the new surge on Baghdad would give me plenty of material. Here’s a sample that I anticipate:

– I’m so big and tall the enemy did not even have to aim well to injure me! Sure I lost my legs, but I am still 5’9”!

– Sure I made the prisoner get naked and stand on a box. But I bought him dinner first because I am a gentleman.

– What’s the deal with Allah?

– I was so thirsty and hot in Baghdad I was hallucinating that I was in the middle of the biggest mistake the United States had ever made.

So Gotham, although I am disappointed in not making your show I have heard a higher calling. I need to serve my country and I am certain that although I got laughs at Gotham I’m going to kill in Iraq.