It’s called “Chris Brown Beats Up The Women On  Bravo Television Shows”

If Bravo were a bar it would be a place where shallow women and shallow gay men could meet and discuss the lives of other shallow women and shallow men, both straight and gay.  Unfortunately it is a television channel that sometimes shows women with nice bodies and on my way from CNN to Comedy Central I am sometimes distracted – the same way an episode of The Bunny Ranch or Real Sex on HBO can sometimes derail me on my way to finding real programming.

Well I recently caught a few episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker, the genius show on Bravo that tries to match millionaires who are either ugly dudes with incredible arrogance/douchebagginess or decent looking dudes with no social skills with women in Los Angeles who, get this, are willing to date millionaires.  The matchmaker on the show claims to have a 99% success rate.  Why not 100%?  Matching rich dudes with shallow women is the second easiest job in the world after being Usain Bolt’s track coach (“run fast and try not to dance before the finish line”).  Bravo is actually releasing a companion show soon called Porn Star Matchmaker where I try to match female porn stars in their 20s with guys from New Jersey who are willing to date porn stars.

I also caught The Real Housewives of New York on Bravo.  I could not stomach a full episode, but here’s  synopsis:

• These women do no housework. 
• They all have children uglier than them because they married ugly rich dudes thus diluting their husband’s intelligence and drive with their shallow whoriness and diluting their looks with their husbands’ faces for radio.  What you get is a batch of mediocrity known as the bottom 50% of New York City private schools.

I admit this was only from about 30 minutes of viewing one episode, but I seriously could not watch more than that.  Perhaps I am wrong and these are real salt of the Earth people. 

My real questions is when did the bitches win?  I have had women tell me that bitches always win and nice girls finish or get taken advantage of.  Sadly, this may be true because these women hardly ever do any self reflection which might cause them to break down and realize their lives are shams.  But even if bitches do win and get their way, why are we celebrating them?  I keep seeing ads for The Bad Girls Club, which from the looks of it could literally be called cu-ts.  I know the language is a little harsh, but please correct me if I am wrong.  Rather than accepting these women as a sad part of society we are celebrating them. 

That is why I am proposing a new show for Bravo starring Chris Brown called Beat Down with Brown (other possible title is Brown Town).  The premise is simple – Chris Brown goes on dates with women from shows on Bravo (and throw in Bad Girls Club on oxygen for good measure) and then does his thing.  Does the date end in a kiss and a dance or a biting session?  Tune in to find out.   At the end of the season only one girl is left standing.  Literally.  Or in a shocking turn one of the girl/women’s fathers shows up (most of these women have to have physically or emotionally absentee fathers to be on these shows in the first place) in the season finale and beats the piss out of Chris Brown (which makes me question – does Rihanna have a brother or a father?  probably not if she’s subjecting herself to Chris Brown, who if it were my daughter or sister, would end up on the sidewalk like Carlo in the Godfather).

Hopefully Chris Brown gets word of this.  Everyone loves a comeback.