Another boy for my brother

My brother told me yesterday that he and his wife are going to have a second son in early May. If the boy is born early he could share a birthday with me, which would be cool, except my brother’s first son was born on my brother’s birthday. I feel like if the new one is born on April 24th it is some sort of sign of the apocalypse. (Speaking of which I can’t wait to see Apocalypto. Yeah I’m talking to you sugar tits. I kid the Mel Gibson haters). Anyway I thought I would give my brother and the rest of the world a preview of my two nephews, if in fact the later shares a birthday with me (he will share an astrological sign with me and if you believe in that stuff please leave my website)

Ages 1-10 Gabriel will grow up very responsible and mature, not enjoying video games and wanting to be a police officer. He will wear a jacket and tie to his first baseball game as if it is the 1950s. He will have a big curly afro. He will be bigger than average, but not startlingly so. Everyone will consider him a pleasure from his parents to his teachers and friends.

Unnamed boy will be enormous and lazy as a child. He will not walk until he is 18 months. People will think he has problems. Then he will start walking. And talking. And fighting with kids in school. However, he will learn that bullies fight with their hands, but to be an asshole you have to fight and insult with words. He will begin to develop a razor sharp wit and may even develop an impersonation of a marginal action star when he is 10 years old.

Ages 11-20 Gabriel will put on some weight during these years, but he will continue to impress everyone as a very good person. Early on he will pen a homemade newspaper and scoop the local newspaper, which will then land him on the front page of said local newspaper. He will attempt to play sports, but the only one he will beat is his little brother. He will develop a passion for journalism which will send him to an elite journalism school.

Unnamed boy will continue to be enormous. In fact he will always be back row center of every class photo. He will do well in class, play well at sports and do impersonations that make people laugh, or make people want to call him onto Jerry Springer in 15 years and say , “You laughed at me then, but look at me now!!!” He will benefit from Gabriel’s good reputation which will earn him favor with teachers that do not like him as much as Gabriel. He will pursue journalism like Gabriel in high school, but will go to an elite Liberal Arts college and give up journalism for sitting on the bench for the basketball team. He will continue to get bigger and will start lifting weights which will prompt his father to say upon returning from freshman year, “What did you do to your back?”

Age 21-30 Gabriel – will finish school, and start working as a journalist. He will get mad when his brother says “bless you” in anticipation of a sneeze because he claims that that stops him from sneezing, which is unhealthy. He will get married, start having a family and will take his brother on awesome trips. But he will also make his brother sleep on an aero mattress from time to time causing his brother great discomfort.

Unnamed boy – He will finally stop growing, but people will not stop asking him how tall he is. He will graduate college and go on to law school. He will learn very important things in law school like “I don’t like law school,” and “I am pretty good at stand up comedy.” He will come back to his hometown and live with his parents for an indefinite amount of time, thus making aero mattress sleeping a problem of his own making. At 27 he will start writing a blog chronicling his everyday life as a struggling stand up comic. Dozens will read it. He will be told by several co-workers that he is nice looking, but that his brother is a more amazing person and thus, more attractive. He will then make fun of them showing how mature he is.

Of course this only applies if the new guy is born on my birthday. I would not bet against it though, so hopefully my brother has a durable aero mattress.