This past weekend I was in Buffalo at the new Helium Comedy Club (an offshoot of the one in Philadelphia and a great club – best run chain in America – great staff, great crowds, great management – and I am not just saying that because I am having trouble getting booked for Improvs and Funny Bones – I mean it).  I was featuring (middle act) for Steve O, who rose to huge fame on the MTV show Jackass, and was the reason I was warned by my mother to “be careful” after she read his Wikipedia page.   The first step of the trip was getting on the 715am train to Buffalo.  A manageable 8 hour train ride is all the stood between me and the land of tatonka.  The ride actually took just over 9 hours because Amtrak’s motto with Buffalo is “do you really give a sh*t when you get there?”

DAY 1 – Jeremy Renner Jr. and the Loss of a Camera

The first show went great.  Had a great set, sold almost $100 worth of CDs after the show and was invited to get a beer with a couple.  He was a dead ringer for Jeremy Renner and promised to text me a picture of the three of us to prove it.  Well he didn’t.  After the show Renner Jr. and his lady bought me a couple of beers and then wanted me to join them at a cool bar that was “two blocks from my hotel.”  I said to myself, isn’t this what fan outreach is all about – and they are buying the drinks?  So I went with my video camera into Renner’s BMW.  Now BMW’s are commonly known as the car of douches and this young man not only drove one, but may have been a dealer of them (he worked at a car dealer, but I did not find out what make – but I assume your drive what you deal), but he was a nice guy and generous with the beer so I dismissed my pre-conceived notions.  However, we ended up driving 2 MILES (not blocks) from my hotel to go to Thirsty Buffalo, a local pub.

The atmosphere was nice enough, but being fatigued from my 5 am wake up I left Renner Jr and his lady with camera in hand thirty minutes later and got into the cab waiting outside the bar.  Enter Jerry, the cab driver.

Jerry drove me back to the hotel, and in the 8 minute ride he shared with me that a multiple shooting incident had occurred at my hotel years ago (“Now I’m not prejudiced, but the blacks fight with guns, not fists, so it’s always more violent” – Jerry) and that his wife has serious health issues and is a hot Hooters waitress 20 years his junior (I believe her waitress name is Daddy Issues). Now we arrived at my hotel, but Jerry had about 4 more minutes of personal tragedy to share with me. So I sat until he was done. I gave him a pat on the shoulder and wished him good luck.  And forgot my camera.  $300 camera.

About 10 seconds into the hotel lobby I said “shit!” and ran outside, but Jerry was already gone.  The hotel staff was nice enough to drive me back to the bar where I asked the bouncer to keep his eye out for van cab drivers, in case Jerry went back to pick up more fares.  The dispatch of the cab company (Liberty Cab) refused to contact drivers, because his pick up of me was an off the books ride, so clearly she wanted to avoid creating any sort of acknowledgment or agency that could create a legal liability.  So I made almost $200 for the night and then lost a $300 camera.   Just another sign from above that the comedy house always wins.  So Jerry, if you are out there, enjoy the camera and yes, that is my kick ass set from Helium you are watching/deleting.  And I also partly blame Jeremy Renner Jr. Damn you and your BMW-selling charm/lies and generosity with beer.

Day 2 –  8 Miles for a Movie & Get Your Fu*king Shinebox

On day two of my journey I walked 4.1 miles each way to see Ride Along – here is the review that I filmed on location:

The 8.2 miles round trip was just enough to burn off my anger for losing the camera, but night two would be enough to generate more heat.  After show 1 of 2, the headliner asked me to leave my merch and handshakes with fans to put on his background music for merchandise sales. I did. Then when it was the wrong CD he yelled at me that “I had to change it.”  Then I left again, with a look on my face that worried a few patrons, but when it was not changed fast enough he stormed past me.  Later, when his mood was settled, he asked me, nicely, to get another box of his merchandise from behind the bar.  This is sort of the equivalent of when Billy Bats told Joe Pesci in Goodfellas to go get his “fu*king shinebox.”   Oh well, it was all water under the bridge, similar to my business cards which were knocked off the table by one of the headliner’s fans.  But don’t worry there is a happy ending – I picked up all the cards later myself.   I don’t even think the headliner knew what he was asking was disrespectful.  When you enter the business as a celebrity headliner the show is about making your fans happy and facilitating revenue.  Other considerations are secondary concerns at best.  Having no less than a dozen potential fans give me awkward looks as I was being quasi-bossed around like I was an assistant and not a comedian myself was rather degrading.  Which then caused me to scream “IM THE BEST FEATURE IN THIS LEAGUE!” a full two days before Richard Sherman would rip off my style.

Day 3 – 6 miles in the Snow, Great Shows & Waiting to Be Murdered at Amtrak

The next day, having pushed a lot of CDs after show 2 of 2 the night before (and after I got my shinebox), found me in a better mood.  However I was starving, it was snowing pretty well and I was 3 miles from Panera Bread.  So I put on my Timberland boots and slogged three miles each way for coffee, bagel and salad (and cookie).  Let me tell you, walking in snow for a total of 6 miles is great exercise.  All that tension trying to balance and trudge simultaneously really gives you a great workout.  However, it would have helped if hotel staff had told me there were a dozen places to eat a half a mile away.  However, in America, anything not across the street = “a drive away/not close.” So I ended up walking to Panera Bread three miles away in the snow, when a Starbucks, Subway, and Mexican restaurant were half a mile away in another direction.  Anger restored.

The shows that night were great (5 of 5) and after leaving home with 40 CDs I left the club with only 8 remaining.  The crowds were great, the staff was great, and the experience was an overall plus.  I only got 3 hours sleep the last night however because I had to catch an early train.  When I arrived at the station Sunday morning it turned out it is only open on weekdays.  That struck me as odd because, where are patrons supposed to stay while waiting for the train?  The answer, from fat America, is “in your car with the heat on dummy,” which is what every other person did  while I stood on the platform for 35 minutes in 17 degree weather.  All in all a great trip, but between the camera and the frozen platform experience just enough for me to question my further commitment to the humor business.   I have a gig at a law school this Thursday. Pays well.  Snowstorm headed towards the school the day before I arrive.  And the dance continues…

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