Barack Obama Cannot Get Elected

He has officially introduced nuance into the 2008 campaign.

One of the things that doomed John Kerry’s bid for the White House, other than a successful war in Iraq, was his comment “I voted for it, before I voted against” regarding funding. Although there was a reasonable explanation for what he said he made the mistake of saying something that required explaining. The rest is History.

So now Barack Obama has made the mistake of acknowledging that he does not wear the “Lou Dobbs Special,” an American flag pin on his lapel.

Now the same hillbillies that scream at people at sporting events to take off their hats (or in one pathetic case I was present at a sports bar about a year or so ago where a fight almost broke out because one man would not take his hat off for the televised national anthem) are probably screaming: “As if it wasn’t bad enough… now he don’t support the flag or the troops.”

Barack offered an explanation – that many of the public figures wearing an American Flag pin are not doing what troops and America actually need and are hiding behind it as a show of patriotism, without any real sacrifice.

Too many words Barack!!!

This reminds me of the Bill Hicks routine where he spoke of people concerned that they HAD to burn their flag because it was upheld by the Supreme Court as constitutionally protected free speech. Obama is fine with people wearing the pin, but he has observed enough political hypocrisy that he wants his actions to speak louder than his lapel.

Sadly, if he was electable I think this is the kind of insignificant, issue that will bury Obama’s chances.

The Late Late Show Recap

12 hours of flying, 5 minutes of comedy and my ears have not popped yet.

People often say that pornography is not as sexy when they are making it, but is very technical and staged to give the impression that it is the hottest sex ever. Considering that it allows the stars to divert their attention from their past experiences with child abuse I am sure they still enjoy it.

Similarly, I learned that filming a television show is all about illusions, but still a very enjoyable experience. When I got to the CBS studio at about 4 pm on October 2nd in LA (having adequately prepared for my set at a hostel on 106th and Central Park West in front of 12 foreigners the night before) I saw that the guests there were Chi McBride (Boston Public principal) and Teri Polo (Greg Focker’s wife). But they were not going to be on my show. My guests would be there the next day. So what you see on television is actually two or three different audiences made to look as if they are one audience.

I got all the perks, my own dressing room, a green room with cookies, and a tote bag in case I am a 60 year old woman (present for Mom). I sat in the green room eating chocolate chip cookies and drinking water. Then it was my turn to perform. I feel like I did well and was surprised at how un-nervous I was. Unfortunately I never got to meet Craig Ferguson. That is because he had already left when I went on. But he did leave me a card in my dressing room that read: “Welcome J-L. Don’t suck. Love, Craig.” So what you saw on television was fake. He filmed my intro the day I left California. But he did pronounce my name correctly, for which I am very grateful.

The experience was awesome, although very tiring because the Man insisted that I be back Thursday so he could continue to keep me down. And so here I am.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

For real – check TiVo; I’m on it.

So a dream of mine is set to come true. I am taping a late night television show tomorrow and it will air Wednesday night. This is a phenomenal opportunity. Not much else to say.

Fall Entertainment

Besides October 3rd on CBS – here are the highlights.

Since I am now armed with TiVo (the real thing with the funny little walking TV) I have decided to try and watch some programs that have piqued my interest.

The Big Bang Theory – This had me laughing out loud, which rarely happens with television shows. Nerds who can’t talk to girls and dumb blondes = entertainment gold.

The War – I have this Ken Burns WWIII documentary stored, but have not watched it yet. Every time I mention it to my girlfriend she rolls her eyes and says, “That sounds so boring, now shhhhhh The Hills is on.”

(The Hills, in my humble opinion, is the worst thing ever put on television).

I also watched Cane with Jimmy Smits and Hector Elizondo (of Necessary Roughness fame). It was not bad. It is about the dangerous world of the sugar and rum business. In other words I will probably only watch one or two more episodes.

Tonight I am taping Big Shots on ABC, which the NY Times described as Sex and the City for men. I guess that means unrealistically snappy dialogue and at least one old whore, one ugly whore, one whore who does not think she is a whore, and one rich prude. I will also have to watch Heroes premiere which is stored. My guess is that it will go the same route as Lost and start to blow because they did not know where they were going. I hope they prove me wrong.

And that is all I can watch. I still do not understand how people can watch 3 hours of TV 5 nights a week so that they see all these shows, both new and old.

Movies are getting into Oscar prep now, which is good news. Right now – the best movie out is Eastern Promises. When I went to see it the theater was full of Europeans and gay dudes (or maybe they were just British), probably because of the naked fight scene with Viggo Mortenson. That scene is the best fight scene I think I have ever seen and even trumps the awesome action in Bourne Ultimatum. So far this is the best movie of the year.

Not the best movie, but one of the most boring is The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Now the acting in this movie is really good, but that did not stop me from getting antsy for most of the 2 hr, 40 min film time.

Tonight I am going to my high school reunion party (10 years). My guess is that it will be worthy of a story tomorrow.

Steeler Game in Pittsburgh

Maybe NFL should stand for “No Fuc-ing Life.”

Yesterday I went, for what is becoming an annual trip, to Pittsburgh with my brother and uncle for the Steeler game (playing the 49ers, my uncle’s favorite team).

Now I think most people know that San Francisco is famous for being a great city, Joe Montana, Rice a Roni and a large gay community. Apparently the Neanderthals in Pittsburgh just heard about this because every time a 49er fan went by they were branded “fuc-ing fag-ots” by any gathering of three or more Steeler fans. Walking from the parking lot to the stadium felt about three beers short of a hate crime.

How is this possible in 2007? The witty guy sitting in front of me during the game saw a 49er fan walk in wearing some sort of Cat in the Hat looking 49er hat and said “What is that from queer pride week? Heh heh”

The only thing worse than these comments is that they took place as part of a football game. Football has become America’s past time, which makes sense because it is a bunch of fat drunk has-beens or never-weres screaming obscenities at guys who players who are too far to hear. As one fan 150 rows up screamed with veins bulging that one guy “sucked” I could not help but think that that man needs to grow up and/or get a life.

For some reason football seems to bring out the worst in sports fans. I keep expecting to see a player get injured and then have the referee hold his thumb to the side waiting for the crowd to signal whether he lives or dies.

With the exception of one punch on a date in November 2006 (no she is not pressing charges) I do not overreact to sporting events. I saved that for sport video games where I have been known to break a video game or two in the past. But at least I didn’t yell slurs and epithets while doing it. Take it from a guy who lived with folks for 28 years – grow up Pittsburgh.

Women Deserve Equal Treatment

So what’s the big problem with female circumcision in Egypt?

Genitals are all the rage right now. I am off to see Eastern Promises tonight, the critically acclaimed film staring Naomi Watts and Viggo Mortenson’s johnson (if you have read the reviews – apparently there is an intense fight scene where Aragorn is completely nude and it lasts like 4 minutes). Naturally my girlfriend has begun referring to the movie as the nude movie and now wants to see it.

Then there is the new HBO show, “Tell me You Love Me,” that features hard core sex, but set to more realistic themes than pizza deliveries and plumbing emergencies. I have not seen it yet because of economic sanctions that have precluded HBO from my residence. Understand that by January 4, 2008 (The Wire Season 5 premiere) there will be a revolt if there is no HBO.

And now completing this is the article in today’s New York Times about female circumcision in Egypt. In the process, the clitoris is removed from women, which of course reinforces the idea in the Middle East that female orgasms do not exist. We in the civilized west understand that they exist and happen about once every three months.

Now men have been having circumcisions for centuries. Some religions even make them public and serve food afterward. So it is about time that this practice be extended to women. Uproar occurred from traditionalists in Egypt when the practice was banned by the Have-their-cake-and-eat-it-too feminazis in Egypt when a 13 year old girl died during the process. They have also called it by the alarmist title of “Female Genital Mutilation.” Hey, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Which is why I suggest taking all Egyptian men and circumcising them at 13 years old. Then we will be able to see how much longer this practice continues. And to you Middle East scholars who may have read more than Thomas Friedman, Lawrence Wright and today’s NY Times’ article and wish to inform me that they do that already (which I highly doubt), then I would say no wonder there are so many angry people in that region.

My Week Without a Cell Phone

Time to reevaluate friends.

For the last week I have been without a cell phone. My Krazr – named as a hybrid of the words “Krap” and “Razor” broke down. So for the last week I have had to check my voicemails from a land line – namely my work phone (my girlfriend and I are very young and NY and do not have a land line). What I learned is that almost no one calls me. Or at least calls me to leave mesages.

I also learned that Murphy’s Law pertains strongly to cell phones. I met two friends for dinner last night. I was worried about being late so I was there at 8 pm sharp. No one arrived until 8:35 pm. If I had had a cell phone I am sure no one would have been delayed, but of course, because I was meeting people without a phone I looked like a bouncer for the restaurant for 35 minutes.

So my replacement phone is supposed to arrive today or Monday, but all my numbers have been erased which means I know have to re-enter the numbers I know and ask for the numbers I do not have. However, this presents an interesting opportunity to purge people from my techno-world and for others to likewise purge me from theirs. Sort of like breaking up by two people never calling or seeing each other again until both realize, “Hey, I guess we’re not doing this anymore.” However, there is that need to keep some numbers in the phone for the purpose of knowing NOT to pick up the phone. This is the conversation no one wants to have:

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s _____. What’s going on?”

“Fu-k – it’s you.”

So that said if you have given me your number in the past please send it to my e-mail. I’m just not telling which one you are.

And on some other thoughts – I am looking forward to the finale of Last Comic Standing. I was sad to see Amy Schumer go because it is always nice to see friendly people you know doing well on television. However, from the beginning I have believed Jon Reep was the best one. I have not understood the fascination with LaVell Crawford except for three things:

1) People like parades and he looks like a float.

2) He is fat and people enjoy laughing at him.

3) White guilt still persists in 2007, even in comedy.

Beyond that Jon Reep is more polished, easier to understand and has a clearly defined persona that does not revolve around Type II diabetes.

So unlike the real thing, in this Civil War of Comedy I am rooting for the southern white man to defeat the southern black man.

Come to my show Monday night at Gotham. That’s my last thought.

Heroes Marathon

One of the most physically disgusting things I have ever done.

From Friday 9 pm thru Sunday at 11:45 pm I managed to watch the entire first season of the show Heroes. I have managed not to do too many disgusting things in my life, although some might say drinking a glass of milk with pancakes is disgusting, I register pretty normal on the scale of not doing disgusting things. I was not one of those kids that ate his own boogers, although in 5th grade I once did a shot of vinegar which stung pretty badly.

But watching 17 hours of TV in 48 hours is pretty disgusting. I usually watch about 17 hours a month. The fact that the people of America can AVERAGE 4-5 hours a day every day is appalling. I felt dumber, fatter and more apathetic after this marathon than I have ever felt in my life (except for March 2006 when I was literally fatter in lbs. than I ever have been). When I went for a walk as a break Sunday evening I felt like I had been in a cave for weeks. I think that is the main reason that television channels should stop using the phrase “marathon” to describe the least energetic, inspiring and athletic activity that someone can do. It is not a test of endurance or conviction to engage in a television marathon; it is an absence of those qualities. Engaging in a television marathon is a surrender, not an activity.

That said, I make an exception for marathons of The Wire, which is the greatest show in television history. Season 4 comes out on DVD on December 4th. Heroes is a good show, but it is not in the same class as the Wire. The only advantage Heroes has is that it has a Haitian character called, imaginatively “The Haitian.” He is also played by a guy named Jean-Louis. The world is almost ready for me to make my move.

Urban Comedy Night

If the shoe fits…

I was checking the Boston Comedy Festival website to read up info on this year’s fest. Among the things I noticed was that I am not the biggest comic on the show. The biggest is some guy named J.J. who is 7′ tall and 410 lbs. He also went to Amherst (Williams’ rival). But let’s be honest: 6’7″ is hilarious; 7 feet tall is overkill.

Then I noticed that I am slated to appear on an “urban comedy night” show. First off there was a scheduling problem because I am slated for my competition slot at a time that overlaps the urban comedy show. And a chance at $10,000 trumps urban comedy.

For those of you that don’t know, “urban” is comedy’s way of saying black people telling jokes. This does not include Latinos because they get their own comedy theme nights at clubs, often starting with the word “Ay!” or ending with “salsa” or “spicy.”

Some people reading this may be saying that although I am at my peak darkness in early fall, passing me off on a show full of black comics will be tough. That is probably true, but in no way my most awkward racial experience. That honor would be competing on the Frederick Douglass national Moot Court team for Georgetown University Law Center (not a school, a center).

Back in 2003 when I advanced a few rounds in the intra-law center moot court competition I was invited to join the Douglass team (DNA tests were conducted to validate my membership and I was forced to grow out my hair). At the competition in Los Angeles I felt like a grain of light brown sugar in a jar full of black pepper. And I was the tallest one there as well, which made the game of “Where’s Haitian-Irish Waldo?” quite easy. But in a few days I was over my insecurities when I realized that no one seemed to care. Perhaps it was because like me, the namesake of the competition, Frederick Douglass, had also been half white, although his conception was probably a little less consensual than mine, although my parents do not get along that well. That may have been it, or it may have been because one law school had fielded Team Eminem, an all white team (there is no discrimination based on race, but it still looked like Whitesnake had crashed a Motown special). End of story – my partner and I won 1st place and I became known in moot court circles as the Great Half White Hope. So I am not sweating the Urban show – I just can’t make it because I need to try and win $10,000.

California Blog Vol. 2

Laugh Factory and Chevy Chase

So yesterday was another interesting day in California. I met with people at New Wave Entertainment and my girlfriend went shopping all day with her best friend. Interestingly enough if I become a huge success that is exactly how we will each spend our days.

Last night I appeared at the Laugh Factory. My girlfriend got her picture with Chevy Chase (celeb sighting #2), who bears a strong resemblance to her father. The emcee of the show was a comedian named K-Von who has been my MySpace friend for about 6 months and I don’t know why. So it was interesting to finally meet him. I ripped a 17 minute set (thank you for the long set Laugh Factory) and then went out afterwards. But not before the owner of the Laugh Factory almost ran me over with his car. I sort of wish he had hit me because I probably could have survived given his speed and my size. I then could have parlayed the accident into steady work at the Laugh Factory.

Today I spent the day in Malibu on the beach where I saw Scott Caan (celeb sighting #3) surfing and being 5’7″. Tonight I do my final set in California at the Laugh Factory until my next visit, which will probably be in September. Tonight I will also for the first time meet my website designer, someone I have paid a lot of money to over the last year and a half. And he is my #3 MySpace friend.