March Madness Recap – Round 1

There were 32 matches last night, each lasting two minutes (1 min per comic) with a minute in between for crowd voting.  I was in the 23rd match-up of the night at which point most of the crowd was sleeping.  One of the things I noted during the night was that many of the 64 comics competing would cheer loudly for comics they liked, which I thought was sort of bush league.  Actually I thought it was incredibly bush league. 

Here is a recap of my set:

Look at the size of this dude!  You know who else is a big dude?  Michelle Obama

Woman in crowd yells: That’s not nice

(ignoring comment) I am not saying she is too big, but Tyler Perry is rumored to be playing her in the biopic. 

At this point I was not getting too many laughs but I noticed a lot of stone-faced black people in the front few tables.  I only had about 40 seconds left, but if I had more time I would have said:

What’s the matter?  You can call Hillary or Laura Bush names, but no one can f-ck with Michelle Obama’s supersized hips and itty bitty titties?  And don’t act like the Tyler Perry line wasn’t funny.  I am pretty sure you’ve heard of him since black people make up 175% of his audience.

(my next line) President Obama is historic though.  I voted for him and it’s very historic – he just shattered MC Hammer’s record for most money spent by a black man in one day.

(very little reaction again)

(What I wanted to say) – Really not laughing at that one?  Maybe if I said white presidents and black presidents be spending money different and sh*t!

Fortunately the Obama impression saved the day and I moved on to the 2nd Round. 

After the show I celebrated with a hamburger at Smith and Wollensky’s grill, which apparently on Wednesday night is old men and Russian prostitute night from the looks of the crowd.  And there was a guy with a mullet.  Let the Madness begin.

Comedy Scouting Report

Tonight begins the 3rd Annual March Comedy Madness at Caroline’s.  If it were a one-on-one hoops tournament, based on the comedians in it, I would be as much the favorite as the Connecticut women’s team is in the upcoming women’s tournament (yes colleges are still letting women play basketball).  However, it is a comedy tournament where you get 1 minute in the 1st round, 2 in the second, 3 in the 3rd round, 4 in the 4th round, 7 in the 5th round and 10 in the finals.  The winner gets a paid weekend hosting at the club and an appearance on an on-line show.  The 63 losers get to bitch about clubs not passing them.

Two years ago I lost to the eventual champion Julian McCullough in the Sweet 16 and last year I lost to the girlfriend of the eventual winner in the Elite 8.  So this year I am hoping to make it to the Final Four and lose to the college roommate of the eventual winner.

Show is at 9:30 pm at Caroline’s tonight.  Critics are already calling me the Blake Griffin of the tournament (big, scary and willing to dive into the stands to win).  Stay out of the front row people.  Here is a scouting report that ESPN released about me for the tournament:

“J-L is smart, but can tend to let anger and bitterness cloud his humor, but when they mix well together he can defeat anyone in the tournament.  Right now his go to move is the Obama impression which is pretty much unstoppable in a close game.  He has steady play from jokes about the legal profession and his racial background, but if he wants to get deep into the Tournament he is going to have to be willing to take big shots at his past relationships.  His comparison of his engagement to 9/11 has yet to fail (10-0 record going into March Comedy Madness), but the day it misses it will probably miss big.  Overall, a funny guy who can win, but at the end of the day is still a loser who writes about himself in third- person sports analogies.”

I Am Pitching A New Reality Show For Bravo

It’s called “Chris Brown Beats Up The Women On  Bravo Television Shows”

If Bravo were a bar it would be a place where shallow women and shallow gay men could meet and discuss the lives of other shallow women and shallow men, both straight and gay.  Unfortunately it is a television channel that sometimes shows women with nice bodies and on my way from CNN to Comedy Central I am sometimes distracted – the same way an episode of The Bunny Ranch or Real Sex on HBO can sometimes derail me on my way to finding real programming.

Well I recently caught a few episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker, the genius show on Bravo that tries to match millionaires who are either ugly dudes with incredible arrogance/douchebagginess or decent looking dudes with no social skills with women in Los Angeles who, get this, are willing to date millionaires.  The matchmaker on the show claims to have a 99% success rate.  Why not 100%?  Matching rich dudes with shallow women is the second easiest job in the world after being Usain Bolt’s track coach (“run fast and try not to dance before the finish line”).  Bravo is actually releasing a companion show soon called Porn Star Matchmaker where I try to match female porn stars in their 20s with guys from New Jersey who are willing to date porn stars.

I also caught The Real Housewives of New York on Bravo.  I could not stomach a full episode, but here’s  synopsis:

  • These women do no housework. 
  • They all have children uglier than them because they married ugly rich dudes thus diluting their husband’s intelligence and drive with their shallow whoriness and diluting their looks with their husbands’ faces for radio.  What you get is a batch of mediocrity known as the bottom 50% of New York City private schools.

I admit this was only from about 30 minutes of viewing one episode, but I seriously could not watch more than that.  Perhaps I am wrong and these are real salt of the Earth people. 

My real questions is when did the bitches win?  I have had women tell me that bitches always win and nice girls finish or get taken advantage of.  Sadly, this may be true because these women hardly ever do any self reflection which might cause them to break down and realize their lives are shams.  But even if bitches do win and get their way, why are we celebrating them?  I keep seeing ads for The Bad Girls Club, which from the looks of it could literally be called cu-ts.  I know the language is a little harsh, but please correct me if I am wrong.  Rather than accepting these women as a sad part of society we are celebrating them. 

That is why I am proposing a new show for Bravo starring Chris Brown called Beat Down with Brown (other possible title is Brown Town).  The premise is simple – Chris Brown goes on dates with women from shows on Bravo (and throw in Bad Girls Club on oxygen for good measure) and then does his thing.  Does the date end in a kiss and a dance or a biting session?  Tune in to find out.   At the end of the season only one girl is left standing.  Literally.  Or in a shocking turn one of the girl/women’s fathers shows up (most of these women have to have physically or emotionally absentee fathers to be on these shows in the first place) in the season finale and beats the piss out of Chris Brown (which makes me question – does Rihanna have a brother or a father?  probably not if she’s subjecting herself to Chris Brown, who if it were my daughter or sister, would end up on the sidewalk like Carlo in the Godfather).

Hopefully Chris Brown gets word of this.  Everyone loves a comeback.

The Good, the Bad and Watchmen

Some lists for the week.

The Good

  1. American Idol – A few weeks ago when they announced the Top 36 contestants I picked my Top 5. All 5 of my picks are in the Top 13.  https://jlcauvin.com/?p=622 So I guess I am actually on my list of good.  This show is good.  I constantly hate myself for feeling this way, but it is.
  2. March Comedy Madness at Caroline’s – 2 years ago I made the Sweet 16.  Last year I made the Elite 8.  After going through a broken up engagement and gaining a sick Obama impression I have done the equivalent of comedy performance enhancing drugs to try and win the thing.  1st round this Wednesday – check the calendar for info.  Note: this could be bumped to the bad list immediately upon me getting bounced from the tournament.
  3. HBO Sunday nights.  – Eastbound and Down is an absolutely great comedy. Flight of the Conchords has been hit and miss, but the last two episodes have been amazing.  And Big Love – a show whose first two seasons I watched on demand simply because there was nothing on television  last summer – is off the charts great this season.
  4. My Best Friend’s Girl – I ordered this movie on demand, making it the first time I had paid for anything featuring Dane Cook since a 2004 performance at Caroline’s.  It started out shaky, but I really enjoyed the movie.  Perhaps it was because my expectations were lower than Paul Blart: Mall Cop ( and even given those expectations, quite possibly the worst movie ever made), but if this had been his first movie instead of his 6th or 7th his film career might have a different trajectory. 
  5. The Utah Jazz – 11 wins in a row.  My favorite thing on Earth other than my own jokes is the Utah Jazz.

 

The Bad

  1. Rihanna and Chris Brown – I have harped on them enough, but this couple – the young black version of Michael and Kay Corleone in Godfather II – should both have their careers go up in flames.
  2. The Heartland Institute – their Conference on Climate Change in NYC over the next few days is and effort to show that global warming is either hoax or greatly exaggerated.  I wish there was a way to ensure that only them and like minded skeptics/non-believers of fact would die in the event of environmental catastrophe.  http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/09/science/earth/09climate.html?_r=1&ref=us
  3. 24 – The President is being held hostage.  Even for a far fetched show – this season sucks.  The only thing good related to this show will be my forthcoming spoof.

Watchmen

I saw this movie this weekend.  It was ok if you like movies. It was great if you like neon blue penis shots.

Retiring Part Of A Joke

I can no longer compare Michelle Obama to Ray Lewis.

Tuesday March 3, 2009 @ Open Mic I said:

“Jeez, Michelle Obama is a big, well built woman.  She’s built like Ray Lewis, but with smaller breasts.  I’m not saying she’s too big, but Tyler Perry is rumored to be playing her in an upcoming biopic.”

Wednesday March 4, 2009 @ Caroline’s Nick DiPaolo said:

“Michelle Obama’s a muscular woman – she’s built like Ray Lewis.”

I admit my joke is a little crude or disrespectful, but there’s no denying that it is funny – I think it is one of my best.  And now I must retire the first portion of the joke. Last night I went to Caroline’s to see Nick DiPaolo, one of my favorite comics, even though I agree with about 10% of his politics because he brings a fu-k you attitude to his comedy that is brutally honest versus about what you see from people and comics day-to-day, which can be brutally fake.

So last night I was sitting in the front of the crowd and I heard DiPaolo say, “Barack’s fine, but what about Michelle?”  And it was at this point that I knew he would talk abut her size.  It was like a 6th sense, but as soon as he said “she’s a muscular woman,” I had this terrifying thought that he would compare her to Ray Lewis.  And he did!  Now, because of this unfortunate coincidence I can no longer tell the non-Tyler Perry part of the joke. When a more famous comedian makes a joke (my first experience of this was when a joke I had about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s family reunion where everyone refers to each other as a Negger – in Arnold’s accent – and 4 months later Dave Chappelle aired the “Niggar Family” sketch, thus making my joke look like a copycat) you have to give it up.  Or face the prospect of being called a joke stealer.  The lawyer in me has compelled me to right this so there is a paper/electronic trail in case I decided to keep the full joke and get called on it.  But I will probably ditch it.

And for those who think the Ray Lewis comparison is too coincidental it makes perfect sense.  Ray Lewis is the most feared linebacker in the NFL, thus putting him up as the best choice to make a humorous comparison, without being some sort of dated/hacky Hulk Hogan/Mr T reference.

I guess the only solution is to get famous fast so I can keep my jokes.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

First Rihanna, then an anti-“Gentile” heckler.

This weekend I learned of a few widespread rumors concerning Rihanna and Chris Brown.  Apparently love has a lot to do with it for the 21st century’s Ike and Tina.  Or at least daddy issues.  Rihanna is said to be taking Chris Brown back, which sends an awful message to young women in abusive relationships.  After sitting in the complaint room of the Bronx District Attorney’s Office for 3 1/2 years telling abused women that they should leave their abusive boyfriends or husbands it will be a tougher sell to to get Maria to leave Jorge if Rihanna won’t leave Chris.  Furthermore, as if trying to undo the symbolic value of Barack Obama in a one-two punch, Rihanna is also rumored to be preggers with Chris Brown’s spawn.  So I guess Rihanna is getting kicked inside and out.  I assume either Pharell or Timbaland is mixing a beat for Chris Brown’s newest single “Forgive Me” or some ridiculous song like that.  We have forgiven men peeing on women (R Kelly), men hitting women (Tommy Lee) and men swallowing women whole (Macy Gray) so I see no reason that with the right PR campaign, the right beat and the right stupid American public why Chris Brown can’t make a comeback.

Well, last night I wanted to make a few current event jokes (hoping certain Jews lost money with Madoff, Chris Brown/Rihanna jokes, talking about Obama shattering MC Hammer’s record for most money spent by a black man in one day), but I was interrupted by a heckler at the Goldhawk before I could start a joke.  I have a sort of repressed temper that used to be really bad.  Last night it almost came out, but instead this heckler simply ruined the end of what was a ridiculously great show.  Here’s a recap:

  • Jim Dodge led off the show brilliantly.  We have our 3rd big crowd in a row – woo-hoo.
  • Pat Breslin steps up and talked about his new engagement – laughs ensue, everybody happy.
  • Jess Burkle, who may be one of the quickest, sharpest comics I’ve ever seen on any level absolutely destroyed the room.
  • Mark Normand – with the toughest job of the night is equal to the challenge and killed.
  • Helen Hong goes up and this is where I start to smell trouble.  Retarded drunk guy comes in and is speaking a little loudly and trying to inject himself into Helen’s routine, but she dealt with him quickly and powered through her routine maintaining the great energy of the room while he sort of stayed quiet.  But like a bad plot of 24 he was just the opening plot line that ends around episode 15 to be usurped by an even worse plot.  Helen Hong’s set ends, enter the The Heckling Jewish Guy (HJG)
  • Jim brings me up to my Craig Ferguson credit:

HJG: Ferguson sucks

J-L: Alright – thanks man.  Any Jewish people here pissed about Madoff(about to go into a Madoff joke)?

HJG: I’m Jewish – right here. Fu-king gentiles are mad because they lost all their money with Madoff.

J-L: OK buddy, let’s be serious.  (scowling at him so that his entire party is telling him to be quiet and apologize for him – mood lost for the show which was one of our best ever)

HJG: Yes, let’s be serious.

J-L (wanting to plant the base of the mic stand through his skull and give him the worst beating a Jew has seen since Jesus): Jim, can we get some staff in here please (sitting meditating, forehead vein pulsing)?

HJG: (leaving with friends): I’m Jewish, Fu-k you gentile (these were the words I heard, perhaps in different order).

I do not deal well with hecklers, especially drunk and stupid ones – they are sort of like the Terminator – “they can’t be bargained with. they can’t be reasoned with.  they won’t stop ever, until the show is dead.”  My response is all or nothing.  Either I let it pass with no response or I really ruin the show by saying something like “SHUT YOUR FU-KING MOUT MOTHERFU-KER!”  I have found the passive route more likely to give me an aneurysm, but maintains a better show.  

I should have probably left the stage and yelled at Pat and Jim – “keep him here!” and then come back while Jim and Pat are having drinks with him and gone Goodfellas on him.  There’s always next show.

Why I Need Vito Corleone To Manage My Comedy…

I am about to engage in a round of calls to about 50 clubs around the country that I sent dvds, headshots, etc.  I have also done a round of deliveries to comedy clubs in NYC.  So far I have a guest spot (think immigrant labor, but much, much cheaper) at one club to show for it.  Most likely a majority of these well put-together packets are sitting at the bottom of a desk or garbage can.  I know this does not make me any different from a lot of comics.  But sitting here and observing Joe The Plumber on television makes me wonder if comedy is the only way not to get success.  After 6 years in this game I have come to a few possible movie-based (of course) solutions:

  • A lot more comedians are going to have to start embarrassing themselves (think Michael Richards) or die (think George Carlin) for me to move up the ranks any faster.
  • I think there is a 50/50 chance I may go D-Jay style on a club owner if I actually see my packet in a garbage can or on the floor somewhere (from the movie Hustle and Flow – where Terrance Howard sees that Ludacris’ character has thrown his demo in the toilet and goes Travis the Chimp on him – this would be a racist if I were a NY Post blogger, but I am just making a joke about Travis here).  Sidenote – contact comedian Amy Carlson for the best chimp joke that I’ve heard.
  • Something like Airheads (Brendan Fraser, Adam Sandler) where me and a few friends take over a comedy club until they pass us and pay us the $25 we so richly deserve.
  • Or find a Godfather who can help me out like Don Corleone helped out Johnny Fontaine.  Right now the one I have is a Haitian man in his early 70s.  Not really a power connection in the entertainment industry.

Not only because it is the best film of the options I presented, but I feel like the last option may be the most effective.  If only because I would love to hear a 7 foot goon (he would have to be bigger than me) saying to a comedy club owner: “Either J-L’s name or your brains will be on the lineup tonight.” 

And it would be equally enjoyable to hear a comedy club owner say, “J-L Cauvin would be perfect for this club.  It would make him a big star.  And if I can be frank with you we had a girl we worked with for three years – acting lessons, improv lessons, comedy lessons.  And along came J-L Cauvin with his buzzed hair and his guiney-looking charm and she threw it all away to make me look ridiculous.  And a man owning a club where jokes are told every night cannot stand to be made to look ridiculous.  And to be even more frank, she was young, she was funny, she was innocent and just to show you that I am a hard-hearted man that it’s not all talent and punchlines, she brought more people to bringers than anyone else and I’ve had bringers all over the world.  Now you get the hell out of here!”

And then the next morning Carrot Top’s head is in the bed of the club owner. AAAAAGGGGGGHHHH

Ok – time to start making these phone calls.  J-L Cauvin insists on hearing bad news right away.

What To Give Up For Lent

Well today is Ash Wednesday so it’s time to give something up and dust off my Lent joke.  The question is what to give up?

My first thought was movies.  This would be a a nice sacrifice, given how many movies I watch.  But hanging on my bulletin board is a ticket to Watchmen on March 6th, smack dab in the middle of Lent.  So movies are out.  And so, apparently, is giving up being a loser.

Other things like sex, drugs and kiddie porn can’t really count because they are things you are not supposed to be doing anyway (a real flaw with the Josh Hartnett vehicle 40 days and 40 nights).

Comedy was actually something I thought about – it would give me time to pursue other activities, perhaps do some chartiable work or travel.  But then i realized that comedy seems to have given up on me, so me giving up comedy would be like saying you are going to break up with a girl 4 years after she already dumped you.

Sweets and desserts are too cliche. 

Television – my HD DVR would overflow very quickly because of how much memory HD American Idol and HD The Big Bang Theory take up.

So I was left with a rather mild choice – alcohol.  No drinks until some Sacramental wine at Easter.  Cue me looking like Frank the Tank getting wine – “It’s so good when it touches your lips – FILL IT UP AGAIN!”  And fortunately the 30th birthday is after Easter.

If You Want Help, Just Be Famous

The lesson over the last several months has been if you want help or people to care about you  just need to fu-k up more.  Fu-king up a little will just get you condemned or criticized, but be either famous or screw up big enough to become famous and you will get all the attention you could desire.  I think it was Donald Trump who said (paraphrasing), “If you owe the bank a million dollars they own you.  If you owe the bank a billion dollars you own the bank.” 

My first example of this is not so funny.  Rihanna’s abuse at the hands and teeth of Chris Brown.  Because Rihanna is famous and has lots of popular songs all of a sudden people are upset about relationship abuse, etc.  But after 3 1/2 years at the DA’s office in the Bronx and having dated someone years ago who dealt with teen victims of domestic abuse, this problem has been going on for a long time and a lot worse than what happened to Rihanna.  Not to minimize what happened to Rihanna, but there are plenty of young women in need of help that aren’t on television.  Sadly, these women and girls are unlikely to get record deals so I guess they are just going to have to keep getting punched and bitten.  The best thing RIhanna can and MUST do is to press charges against Chris Brown.  I have seen so many women come into the DA’s office only to decline to press charges because the guy “just lost his temper” or “he is not usually like that” or “he is the father of my kids.”  Well, Rihanna can send a great message to all those women that if Chris Brown, the Disney Channel’s version of Ike Turner can’t get away with it then Average Joe Abuser should not be let off the hook.  If she fails to follow through ten perhaps Chris Brown needs to knock some sense into her until she sends his ass to jail.

The next example is of course the bailout for all these banks.  Per The Donald’s advice – if you are going to lose your money, lose really big.  If you are going to fu-k the American people, use an extra big strap on and the government will have to bail you out. 

My third example is about that Mom with 14 kids – I refuse to learn her name.  Her lesson is if single Moms want more help… just keep having more kids.  Once again my experience in the Bronx is instructive.  If you have 4 or 5 or 6 kids from multiple men you will be derided by many civil servants as a “welfare queen” or “stupid” or “pathetic.”  Since many people are too insensitive or impatient to analyze the root causes of these women’s lifestyles or predicaments, my quick fix advice to these women is simple: have a lot more kids.  When you give birth to absurd amounts of kids you can get a reality show (there is some show on television about some family with like 15 kids or something like that) or you can be this nutjob with the 14 kids who has gotten numerous charitable offers (and some insults as well). 

Unfortunately if you want to be a famous comedian, writing and performing more jokes does not seem to work.  The exception that proves the rule I guess.

Now I Know Why People Hate The Oscars

It is no secret that I love movies.  I actually saw Fired Up this weekend because I love the movies and movie-going experience so much.  And America does too.  How else can you explain Friday the 13th pulling in $48 million in its opening weekend, or even more inexplicably, Madea Goes To Jail, grossing $41.1 million this weekend (kudos to Tyler Perry though – if I had his marketing skills I’d be much bigger in comedy than I am).

And I have always loved the Oscars.  Not for the glitz, but just because it was another night of movies and movie clips, etc.  But last night’s awards show exemplified every thing that people who hate the Oscars have told me in the past.

First off I did not mind High Jackman as host at all, except for the annoying routine headlined by him, Beyonce and those future rehab cases from High School Musical.

Oh wait – maybe I should start with the Barbara Walters special – holy sh*t do the Jonas Brothers suck!  I mean I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, but they really suck, even by the minimalist standards of pop music.

Back to the Oscars.  Here are some of the awful highlights:

My biggest issue with the Oscars (besides just two wins for The Dark Knight) was Sean Penn’s win over Mickey Rourke.  I thought Milk was the best movie nominated and that Sean Penn deserved the nomination, but Rourke’s performance (and The Wrestler as a film) was so personal and moving that he was absolutely the clear choice.  Clearly Hollywood, in the glow of Obama’s victory felt like, hey it’s been a while since we had a political acceptance speech.  I think we’re ready again.  Cue Sean Penn, who always looks like he is in pain, probably because he is so tortured and such an involved actor.  But if anybody saw Robin Wright Penn last night – what could possibly be painful for Sean?

Someone told me this and now I finally agree – Sarah Jessica Parker looks like Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister. 

Slumdog Millionaire won eight awards.  I thought this was a very nice film, but 8 awards places it in the company of Amadeus and Amadeus it ain’t.  Not by any stretch.  And someone told me that the female lead of Slumdog recently left her husband.  See, chicks can be douchebags too.

Kate Winslet should not have won Best Actress.  Meryl Streep should have won, gotten on stage and said, “Sorry Kate, you can get Oscar when I’m dead bitch!”

The biggest vomit-inducing addition to the Oscars were the personal introductions by former winners.  Except for Robert DeNiro’s intro for Sean Penn, which seemed genuine because he actually knows Sean Penn well, they were all so obviously fake and just an ego booster for a group of people with already over-sized egos.  My personal highlights of these were:

  • Alan Arkin calling Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Seymour Phillip Hoffman
  • Kate Winslet’s incredibly bullsh*t “thank you so much/oh my God” faces for her introduction – Winslet reminds me of what DiCaprio said to Cate Blanchett in The Aviator: “Look at me Kate.  Stop acting.  Do you even know anymore?”
  • Angelina Jolie’s reaction – see Kate Winslet.
  • Brad Pitt’s thank you with hands clasped together, almost like prayer, and then pointing with them.  This is a signature douchebag move.

The only moments I truly enjoyed were the acceptance speech of the Milk screenwriter and Jack Black saying – I make movies with Dreamworks and then bet my entire paycheck on Pixar at the Oscars.

What an awful show.  At least Eastbound and Down did not disappoint on HBO.