Anyone But The Lakers

The Utah Jazz crush me for the 22nd consecutive year.

Last night I watched the Los Angeles Lakers defeat the Utah Jazz in 5 games.  I wish it could have been to any team other than the Lakers.  And as the Jazz generally do, they did not give up and made a valiant comeback (down 22 in the 4th quarter, they cut the Lakers to 6 with 3 and a half minutes left).  But all that does is put crazy thoughts in my head like, “they may win!”

This is a franchising altering year for the Jazz – their owner has died, their longtime announcer has retired and Coach Jerry Sloan, the longest tenured Coach in professional sports is getting older and even crankier (although it was great seeing him go after the referee last night mouthing motherfu-ker as he got ejected – at least he still has some fire).

But this is about the need for someone other than the Lakers to win the NBA title.  I like Derek Fisher and Lamar Odom on the Lakers and that is it.  I am indifferent to Andrew Bynam.  I hate the rest of the team.  Let’s go through it:

Kobe Bryant – This blogger has a strong policy of not supporting anal rapists, regardless of how funny the reference of Kobe has made one of my jokes.

Pau Gasol– It is bad enough that he is missing an L on his first name, but he looks like a really tall homeless piece of Eurotrash.

Luke Walton – No one likes the rich kid who skates by on his father or parents’ wealth and/or Hall of Fame status and Luke Walton is no exception.  If his name was Luke Murphy he would be an assistant coach somewhere.

Trevor Ariza– Once again a firm blogger rule – can’t like people with neck tattoos.  And he is a former NY Knick, which, like herpes, is something that is never really gone.

Sasha Vujacic – Literally my least favorite person in the NBA.  I really think I would be tempted to sucker punch him if I ever saw him on the street.   Part of it is because he is a flopper and annoying, but part of it is that he has some unknown, but very unlikeable arua around him.

Laker fans  – I have a problem with Laker fans, especially those outside of LA.  I know I am a Jazz fan outside of Utah, but unlike Laker fans it would be difficult for someone to call me a fair-weather fan if my favorite team has never won a title and did not even make a finals appearance until my 10th year as a fan.

So now I must hope that someone, LeBron James most likely, can stop this team from claiming a title.  Good luck King James.

And yes I am very bitter about the Jazz losing.

Rock of Ages

 

Is 80s music the official soundtrack of d-bags?

 

Last night I was taken to Rock of Ages for my birthday.  It was an incredibly well-thought out gift (which makes sense because it was the same gift-giver who got me a Paul Millsap official game jersey for Valentine’s Day) because of my semi-obsession with American Idol (the play stars Constantine Maroulis – the most absurd American Idol finalist not named Sanjaya) and the fact that the play features a couple dozen rock anthems from the 1980s, a/k/a my favorite music.

The theater was packed last night, but I noticed some things that intrigued me.  One was the woman sitting one row behind me.  On a scale of 1 to 10, she was a 14.  Literally looked like a model/movie star.  But what made me a little sad was that there was a 90% chance that she was a prostitute.  She was there with a below average looking guy in his mid 40s (she looked about 26).  Now my first inclination was that she was just a gold digger, but if that was the case, the guy would have been trying to show off with orchestra seats (instead of the balcony where we all were).  Second, I heard her speak and she did not have a foreign accent, which ruled out some sort of mail-order/Green Card situation.  Third, the guy sitting next to her client/man was talking to them and had his hand on her hip, the way two customers at a video store could look at the same box for a video before both renting it.   I cannot be completely sure that she was a prostitute, but I can surmise that she has a terrible relationship with her father (I ruled this option out when I saw them kissing, unless he is her father, but most fathers not named Joe Simpson or Michael Lohan would not let their daughter go out for a father-daughter night out dressed like a Bond girl.

The other thing I noticed is how many douchebags were in the audience.  There was never a shortage of men between 30 and 45 hooting and high fiving and saying “fu-k yeah!” during the 2+ hours of the production.  And I realized that I love 80s music as well, which raised an important question for me: Am I a douchebag?  Or is it just a sad coincidence that I enjoy the same music as these former coke abusing, date raping, collar popping, former “cool kids?”  having come to the conclusion that I am more an as-hole than a douchebag I can say safely that our similarities end with 80s music.

Overall a good show, but a questionable audience.

The Curious Case of J-L Cauvin

I get older and taller, but things remain the same.

If anyone saw the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button then you know that the plot focuses on the adventures of one man as he ages in reverse.  As I stand on the cusp of entering my 4th decade on Planet Earth I realize my life has sort of played like a remix of that movie.  Each decade I get older, but my life does not seem to change.

April 24, 1989

I turned 10 years old on this date.  I was 5’5″ tall.  I owned a purple satin Utah Jazz Starter jacket that I wore religiously.  I was honing a Jean-Claude Van Damme impression that would make me more popular.  I did not have a job, but knew I wanted to be something famous.  My favorite movie was Amadeus.

April 24, 1999

I turned 20 years old on this date.  I was 6’7″ tall.  I owned a puffy purple Utah Jazz Starter jacket that I wore religiously.  I was perfecting impressions of my basketball coaches which would make me more popular.  I did not have a job, but I felt like one day I could be famous.  My favorite movie was still Amadeus.

April 24, 2009

I turn 30 on this date.  I am 6’7″ tall.  I own several Utah Jazz basketball jerseys that I wear occasionally (as people get older they sometimes get less religious).  I have perfected an impression of Barack Obama that has made me more tolerable.  I sort of have a means of employment, but only one that people will take seriously if I become famous.  My favorite movie is Amadeus.

Fine, I'll watch Amadeus, but I probably won't like it.
Fine, I’ll watch Amadeus, but I probably won’t like it.

Crank 2: A Film Ahead of Jason Statham’s Time

My comedy career began officially in June 2003 when I stepped on stage at the Takoma Station Tavern in Washington D.C. for their Monday open mic.  However, my comedy career really began in 1991 when my impression of Jean-Claude Van Damme in the movie Double Impact made me a big hit with my friends (quick synopsis of the film – Van Damme played twins separated at birth, with”such different personalities” as JCVD put it in a behind the scenes interview, but who both learned karate).

Van Damme was my favorite movie star from the years 1990-1995 (from when I saw Bloodsport until Timecop and all the films in between).  His films were mild successes, but he basically became a joke like many action stars not named Governor Schwarzenegger.  It was not until this Fall that he was able to intentionally and intelligently capitalize on his status with a funny, but moderately moving film (“JCVD”).

Well today I hope there is a 6th grader entertaining  his classmates with a Jason Statham impression.  This guy has literally taken the career of Jean-Claude Van Damme.  I have wondered (on this site, and verbally) how Statham has sustained his career.  Then I saw a preview for Crank 2 and was intrigued.  It looked ridiculous, but entertaining.  But that still did not explain Statham’s 2 franchises (3 Transporters and counting, plus 2 Cranks) and other flops (some movie about prisoners in car races, some dumb movie where he plays some ancient knight), especially since he had to have spent all his Italian Job money by now, so he can be financing his own projects.  In addition to that my old boss at the Bronx DA’s office had recommended Crank to me.

My old boss had a bad history recommending films to me.  One was The Boondock Saints, which I absolutely hated.  The other one was Norbit (I was in Columbus, Ohio with 7 hours to kill before a show – I would have been better off cleaning the Mall toilets with my tongue than watching that movie).  So when he told me Crank was good I greeted it with a roll of the eyes.

But last week I watched Crank and found it entertaining.  It is somewhere between action and parody and was entertaining enough for me to venture to Crank 2 today (and I had a free ticket to the theater).

I must say – reallly enjoyable movie.   Had me laughing a lot because the film has moved even closer to parody and if you want to go, not to watch film or even a technically “good” movie, but just to have fun, then see this movie.

Although the similarities between Van Damme and Statham are even more evident after Crank 2 (Statham has 4-5 references to his character’s large penis in the 2 Cranks and Van Damme has a reference in no less than 3 of his films to his character’s large member – see “The Idiot From Brussels” track on Racial Chameleon, my first CD).  But Statham’s films have not been as successful as even the moderate-to-low bar that Van Damme’s career set.  So the question must be asked:  Why does Jason Statham still have a thriving film career?  One answer is that Lion’s Gate films appear to be willing to produce any film.  But I think the answer is that Statham has decided (possibly) to do what it took JCVD almost 20 years to do – realize that the pure action star is almost dead as a serious franchise (the Arnolds, Stallones, etc. are sort of done), so he pre-empted the trend and made the joke his own, while still having some of the classic action features.  I don’t know if he will make many more movies, but I am pretty sure I would be in for a good laugh if Crank 3 comes out.

Audition Week Over

 

Now a week off til the 30th birthday.

 

Going to keep this brief as I soak up some Sun after a stressful, but successful week in the world of struggling comedy.

Monday, as I wrote, I had an audition at Zanies in Chicago.  It went well and like all things in comedy that go well, I have no idea if I will ever work at the club.  I will keep my calendar posted if I get any news on that.

Tuesday was an audition at Gotham Comedy Club and I got some great feedback, from the person evaluating me, a former SNL star who did a guest spot, and from a potential groupie.

Finesse Mitchell (former SNL star) came up to me after my set and said, “I enjoyed that.”  That was nice that he came and told me that, but what I really enjoyed was watching the tape of the performance the next day and hearing his distinctive laugh over the crowd at the joke that can be summed up by one name, “Kobe.”

I was also approached by a girl after the show who I took for a fan of my comedy until she had a friend slip me her number as they were leaving.  Numerous problems with this.

  • I am spoken for.
  • In addition to her phone number she wrote: “Colombian and Puerto Rican”, “Thick and sexy”, and “volupcious” – which I believe is either a mispelling of voluptuous or how one velociraptor describes another velociraptor that it finds attractive.

 

I wanted to save the number and post in a comedy book, the way diners, barber shops and other small businesses post their first few dollar bills that they ever made, but I decided against it.

Wednesday was my audition for Live at Gotham (Comedy Central Show).  It was the third time I have auditioned for the show.  This was by far my best set of the three.  Even if I don’t get it I am actually really proud of the set I had.  So in a young career that has been marked by choking at numerous auditions it was good to go 3 for 3, even if I don’t see a dime (but I hope that’s not the case).

And if the week needed any more good news Matt Geraud was saved by Simon Cowell last night.  Even if he does not win (which unless Adam Lambert blows Simon Cowell on a live broadcast, he won’t) it is awesome to see a guy who is so un-Hollywood doing well on the show.

Unless there is big news to report I probably won’t write much until the eve of my 30th birthday (next Friday if you want to do any shopping).

Untouchable Comedy

Last night I performed at Zanies in Chicago in the hopes of getting “passed” as a feature act.  I think the set went well and I am grateful to all my friends and friends of friends that showed up last night.

Before the show I was relaxed and ready to rock.  And then the manager of Zanies gave a pre-show pep talk to all of the comics.   It was actually a very thoughtful and helpful talk, although it raised the tension of the room to the point that the room full of comics appeared like the group of men sitting around in The Untouchables as Robert DeNiro delivered the baseball speech.

As the speech went on a New York comic that I know showed up a few minutes late.  And doing the verbal equivalent of bashing his head with a baseball bat the comic was denied the opportunity to go on stage (after flying in to Chi-town presumably).  Just when I thought this business was harsh – ouch.  If that had been me I would probably be in a Cook County jail awaiting arraignment on various property damage charges.  To the comic’s credit he was very composed and for one obvious reason.  A club won’t remember if you are nice, but they will definitely remember you if you lose your sh*t.

 

Well, I am glad I had a good set, but hope I don’t end up shot dead in an elevator.

DOGA

If you participate in this please kill yourself.

As background I first urge you to read the following article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/09/fashion/09fitness.html?_r=1

I consider myself a pretty mainstream cynic.  I don’t like sushi and think people embrace the idea of sushi as much or more than they do the actual taste of raw fish.  Yoga is another one of these things – I think it can probably be relaxing for all those “spiritual” people who pay there $100 per month to go to their studio and pretend that they are not  daughters and wives of captains of capitalist industry, but rather, are at one with some sort of spiritual existence they don’t really believe in (although that sweaty yoga seems to be a pretty good workout – with more focus on sweating than getting in touch with breathing and oneness).  Wine bars seem to spring up more than pubs now.   The list goes on and on.  This facade of refined and spiritual existence seemed to be maxed out and then I saw the above linked article in today’s New York Times.

Close to two years ago I was doing some interviews at a job fair for the Bronx District Attorney’s Office.  One woman, who had the looks and demeanor of an aspiring actress (she had been in LA for 6 or 7  years in between undergrad and law school so I am guessing that was actually the case), had highlighted on her resume that she had started the first Dog Yoga class in LA.  I held in my laughter and thought “Only in LA.”  LALA land is supposed to be the place where shallow souls try to find some deeper meaning in celebrity culture.  Everyone is spiritual.  Religion would condemn a lot of the behavior, whereas atheism is the province of intellectuals and cynics so LA dwellers are left with the vague, guilt and thought free distinction of “spiritual.”  They manage to find meaning in nothing and everything simultaneously.  I am not sayng that there cannot be genuinely spiritual people (you know, like Scott Stapp of Creed), but I feel like it is a vapid cop out for a lot of people.   But even accepting all these things as realities, Dog Yoga seemed a little much.

But then today I saw that America’s overzealous love of dogs has finally combined with its search for spiritual bliss in the form of DOGA (you guessed it – dog + yoga).  From Seattle to Manhattan and everywhere in between where pretentiousness lurks these classes have sprung up.  If ever Michael Vick’s non-football skills were needed it is here, but instead of drowning the dogs I would like him and his boys to drown the owners of these dogs.

 

This is like the perfect storm of unhealthy American obsessions.  I feel like too many people treat their dogs like people – not by talking to them and caring for them – that is ok.  I am writing about people who say “excuse us” when they are walking with their dog.  It’s a fu-king animal.  You are the only person here that requires excusing.  Or people who brag about their dog being selected as valedictorian of their dog training class.  Get a fu-king life.  It’s ok if you do not want or cannot have kids, but dogs were not meant as God’s substitute for children.  Combine that increasing trend (I feel like I see at least as many dogs as I do children in my neighborhood) with our increasing desire to somehow absorb all the chic-ness of Asian culture while still maintaining our selfish American instincts.  The new philosophy seems to be “Give me Asian culture’s freedom from dogmatic religion coupled with their interesting food, stretching techniques and humming exercises, but without all their dedication to family (because rather than eat my dog I will treat it as a full-fledged human family member) and community and placing the whole above the self because that just wouldn’t be me.  And then let my dog do the same.”

Well it is time for me to go lift some weights and eat some cooked salmon.  How provincial of me.

Namaste or  Woof! (for all my dog readers).

American Idol: Adam Lambert

If you do not watch American Idol because you never thought to, you should watch this season.  If you are someone (probably a guy) who defiantly shouts, “I don’t watch that gay sh*t,” then I urge you to change your mind because I used to think the same think, minus the homophobic sentiments.  If you are like a few people I know who have not watched since Clay Aiken got robbed by Ruben Studdard – the time to get over it now.  I was upset about Al Gore getting robbed of the presidency and if I could get over that I think you can move on as well.

This season is phenomenal.  For the record, 4 of my top 5 are still alive in the Top 8, but two people I did not have in my Top 5 I can be excused for.  Kris Allen was not featured until after the Top 36 had been picked and not before.  And Adam Lambert I genuinely thought was too Broadway for the show.  But since then he has been a ridiculous show stopper every show.

But my favorite thing about Adam Lambert, other than a voice that somehow has both Steve Perry and almost early 1990s Mariah Carey range, is his Dad.  His Dad clearly is still sort of coming to grips with his son’s homosexuality.  They have interviewed Adam’s parents several times and Mr. Lambert has yet to make eye contact with the camera.   Sort of like how Derek Zoolander’s father was upset about Derek playing a Mermaid in a television commercial.  MERMAN!!!!!

The best, however, was last night when Adam’s mother said, “Adam was interested in everything as a kid – music, reading-” And then Mr. Lambert chimed in – “Not so much sports.”  Unbelievably classic television.

Oh and if anyone is wondering if Adam is gay:

Exhibit A: He said that Randy Travis was a “total gentleman” during their rehearsal.  What guy refers to another guy as a gentleman when a truck stop or spooning is not involved?

Exhibit B:

But the fact that this kid is other-worldly talented is undeniable.  There were rumors that when Clay Aiken was in his glass closet (everyone could see through it) American Idol did not want him to win so they jammed phone lines to prevent him from winning.  Maybe this is true, maybe it is not, but it is undeniable that when male artists come out officially (George Michael and Clay Aiken come to mind) they seem to lose the status they once had as closeted or ambiguous.  Even Elton John had to keep up a charade of ambiguity for many years.  So although it should not have to take someone as exceptional as Adam Lambert to become the Jackie Robinson of karaoke competition shows it looks good that Idol will not be able to stop his climb to the top.  Although I had liked Danny Gokey (powerful-voiced widower) or Matt Geraud (soulful white guy with less beauty, but more singing chops than Justin Timberlake) to win, Lambert’s showmanship (go figure) and vocal range are going to steamroll the competition.  You should watch if you are not before he comes out officially and the music biz (and American public) ship him off to the fringe.

My Favorite College Hoops Season

2009 trumps 2001 because winning $400 in a pool beats 1 dunk and lots of benchwarming.

Last night I got that rare win that a sports gambler can hope for – a winning result for my favorite team and for my gambling.  I was in a tie with a fellow Hoya Lawya for 2nd place in a pool of slightly over 100 people.  We both had UNC beating Michigan State (always bet on Izzo, Calhoun and Lute Olson (when he’s healthy/coaching) in the Finals.  However I had a total score of 152 and my other 2nd place finisher had 132.  Well thankfully UNC and Michigan State scored well over a combined 152 to give me 2nd place.  And I am a UNC fan so it’s a double win.  And Duke fans are probably upset so it’s like a triple win.

And it assuages the gross feeling from the Yankees amazing debut yesterday.  CC Sabathia is my size if I never stopped eating donuts.  I don’t mean stopped as in – I am on a diet so no more donuts.  I mean literally a conveyor belt shoving donuts into my mouth 24-7. That is how big this guy is.

Now tonight there is the women’s college hoops final, but if I want to watch a woman give a brilliant performance I will watch Adam Lambert on American Idol.  And if I want to watch a tall woman give a mediocre performance I will watch Fringe.  But I don’t think I can watch the women’s hoops finals.  UConn is expected to roll, and that is great for the dudes on that team, but what I am tired of is how women’s basketball gets inserted into conversations of dominance with men’s teams ( your sport needs more than a decade of Title IX/NBA subsidized success before you can discuss the historical dominance of a team).  I read somewhere that there is an unfriendly rivalry between Geno Auriemma and Jim Calhoun, the women’s and men’s UConn coaches, respectively.  Rivalry?  Maybe in that Malone-Stone (Sean Connery and Andy Garcia) Irish-Italian rivalry in The Untouchables, but in terms of basketball?  I would think it would be settled when Jim Calhoun says, “Wow, you have five titles!  That’s great – I coach men.”

$72.5 Million

A stimulus package the Jersey Shore can believe in.

On the drive from Washington D.C. to New York yesterday I decided to see what the weekend gross for Fast and Furious was.  I knew it would be a big hit, but apparently Hollywood was “shocked” at how big a hit it was.  For some reason there are only two groups of people that overestimate the intelligence of the American people: politicians, albeit disingenuously, with the election cycle mantra of “the American people aren’t stupid” – yes they are) and Hollywood experts who are constantly “shocked” that stupid movies are successful.

On rare occasions I will see a movie based on box office success because occasionally movies that get poor reviews, but do well (e.g. Ace Ventura) are actually enjoyable, while being understandably bashed by critics (Paul Blart was my most recent mistake along this thinking – I left with 20 minutes left in the movie because I was about to stab myself in the eye).  Almost a decade ago I rented The Fast and The Furious based on the fact that it was such a hit and thought, maybe it is an enjoyable, but crappy movie.  Unfortunately it was just crappy.  It is bad when the most talented actor in the franchise’s history is a tie between Bow Wow and Ludacris.

The lead actors in both Fast and Furiouses (with and without articles) are Paul Walker and Vin Diesel.  Starting with the lesser of two evils, Paul Walker is a handsome man.  So at least he satisfies one criteria for Hollwood success.  He has the acting chops of an extra on a porn film, but at least if women want eye candy he is an understandable choice.  However, Vin Diesel is a different story.  If Obama’s rise to power represents a victory for black people and America, then Vin Diesel’s resurrection as a Hollywood star represents a victory for the Jersey Shore and a blemish on American culture.    He belongs in the Pantheon of How The Fu-k… Hollywood stars with the likes of Pauly Shore.

The sad thing is that with the economic downturn leading more and more people to theaters there will be less immediate incentive to fund quality projects when human excrement going 140 mph can make $72.5 million.   I am sure a studio is working hard at Transporter 4 (yes there have been 3 already) and Son in Law 2.