With the election of Scott Brown to the United States Senate it appears that the Republicans will get what they have wanted – nothing. The 59 votes will not be enough in the Senate to pass the health care reform legislation over the 41 conscience-driven Republicans who will be willing to filibuster.
I have said it before and if you read this blog you really should go on Amazon.com and purchase Nixonland. The lesson is that the last time a Democratic President tried to push forward a sweeping and needed social agenda – middle class white anger rose up to deliver monstrous losses in the midterm elections. Lyndon Johnson won big in 1964 and then watched most of his congressional gains disappear in 1966. And LBJ had the advantage of not being a confident black man in an era of constantly streaming information and misinformation. Perhaps if Don Draper were running a 24 hour-a-day campaign against the Civil Rights Act and the country had a troubled, centuries-long relationship with Texans then LBJ would have known what Obama is up against. Seriously – if you have not read Nixonland you are cheating yourself at a chance to predict the future.
Martha Coakley certainly ran a poor campaign, which hurts even more given that she is a Williams Eph. However, just 9 years after George W. Bush took office, I am hearing “Scott Brown drove a pick up truck” and “Coakley didn’t know who Curt Schilling was.” This stuff still matters?
The Republicans have become the party that cheers when a perfect game is broken up. Sure you can’t win, but in a sense neither can the other guy. And that is now our politics – since when did every single piece of legislation of any meaning require 60 votes in the Senate – oh right, 2009. I don’t remember liberals like Ted Kennedy fighting George Bush on No Child Left Behind – W.’s signature act in his first term not related to unjust war or tax cuts for wealthy people (until Bush underfunded it). But Scott Brown is coming to town on a “no cap and trade,” “no health care reform” platform. The health insurance industry has spent $100 million fighting health care reform to convince people that it is a fundamental threat to our society, second only to Islamic fundamentalism. The Democrats bent to pro-life concerns and to Joe Lieberman and still not one Republican came over. Republicans have become a party of hypocritical (really – how can you buy the Republicans as the party of populism in practice – it would be like believing those Exxon commercials where their “workers” talk about helping to create fuel efficient vehicles) obstructionists, which I guess if you consider environmental protection and expanded health care coverage the “wrong direction for America” then you probably think these guys are just voting their consciences.
And I was out there calling Obama a little arrogant during the campaign (because he seemed to have a few moments), but claims that he is acting arrogantly from some voters I think is coded language and false. The man was elected with the most votes in United States History and has tried to push an agenda (and will likely fail) reflective of that mandate. These folks might as well say uppity because I think that is part of what some of the backlash is about, at least in terms of the speed and intensity with which it came. I don’t think it is a coincidence that in our country’s history there has always been a middle class white backlash following massive strides for black people. After the Civil War and Reconstruction came the Compromise of 1877 which ceded the South to Democrats (the old pre-Strom Thurmond Democrats, the ones that hated Lincoln) and Jim Crow; The Great Society which yielded The Voting Rights Act and The Civil Rights Act gave way just a few years later to sweeping middle class white anger spearheaded by Sarah Palin’s uglier, smarter, better educated and more paranoid predecessor, Richard Nixon; and then the election of Barack Obama gave way almost instantaneously to zealous anger.
Furthermore, in a society of iPhones, blackberries, YouTube, etc. people say they want change, but are no longer conditioned to wait for it. As George W. showed, fear from terror makes people loyal to you (at least for a time), but when people’s wallets are hurting it’s every man and woman for themselves. Our lack of patience is another factor that has led us to Brown Town.
Of course now most Democrats are running for the hills at this point because the only thing more important in DC than doing what you think is right in the face of manipulative lobbying campaigns is holding on to your power. So unfortunately, we are all headed to Brown Town soon.
This past weekend I was in Detroit performing at Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle. It was a fantastic trip. Or as fantastic a trip as is possible when spending 15 hours on Amtrak to get there and almost 18 hours on Greyhound to get back to NYC. Unfortunately the trip ended with some terrible news for my family from Haiti.
The highlight of the trip going to Detroit was certainly the Amtrak bus. To get from Toldeo, Ohio to Detroit via Amtrak requires usage of Amtrak’s bus service. The bus was comfortable, on par with a Greyhound bus, but due to my bladder unable to hold itself for one more hour before arriving in Detroit I had to use the bus bathroom.
Someone of my size in transportation bathrooms (airplanes, Amtrak, buses) has to find a position where I can both lean against a wall to create stability against bumps and/or turbulence, but also in a position that facilitates urination. It is a delicate balance that I have become expert at. However, the Amtrak bus bathroom presented a previously unseen problem: anonymous urine.
As anyone who has ever used a bathroom on transportation before – the toilets are not free standing the way they are in regular bathrooms. The are sort of portals in the middle of a steel shelf. Well, as the bus driver drove stopped and started a mysterious liquid began pouring down from the steel shelf: anonymous urine. Apparently the previous user of the bathroom had not perfect the lean and piss and had managed to get what felt, given the fear of getting it on my shoes and jeans, like a quart of their urine on the shelf. All of a sudden my evacuation began to feel like an Indiana Jones movie where I had to finish my work and duck out of the bathroom before the urine poisoned me. In this metaphor my sneaker would be playing the role of Indiana Jones’ hat.
I escaped the bathroom sans Golden Shower and made it to the Hampton Inn for a lovely 8:30-1145 AM sleep. By the way Hampton Inn in Madison Heights, MI – can’t get a much better deal for $50/night. Close to several restaurants, a movie theater and free Belgian waffles each morning.
I spent each late morning in Detroit at the movies, where matinees where $4.75 a piece – which is like crack to me (with Manhattan movies at their much more expensive prices being cocaine). I went to see It’s Complicated and Youth In Revolt, the latter of which was apparently a private showing for just me – this is the sort of VIP treatment you get when you are a feature act at a Detroit comedy club I guess.
The shows were the best though. Out of five shows I had 4.99 good ones. The only blemish being the very last show, which featured two hecklers – one blond skank in front, whose boyfriend had neither the authority, nor the balls to tell her to shut up, and some frat dude in the back who made a gay joke, which I likened to something you would hear a high school JV football player say. The crowd backed me against both.
And just so you know that math of a glorious feature act:
pay – $300
Hotel – $200
transportation – $200 (including taxis – plane would have made this $400)
assorted necessary food items (approx $150)
So as you can see my comedy career is in need of a Black Friday. It should be noted that the reason for this was to be seen for headlining in 2011. In that case your room is paid for, you get transportation to and from airport/train station/greyhound prison and you are more likely to sell merchandise as the top dog. Not to mention a higher pay from the club. So I hoped to make up the difference by selling my CDs, but then the Earthquake hit in Haiti and I decided the least I could do was give the money I make off of CDs to the Red Cross.
And thanks to the generosity of the people of Detroit, a city that is not exactly on easy street itself, I sold all my CDs before the last show of the week (previous high as a feature had been 15 in 6 shows, this time I sold 20 in 4 shows). Probably half of those were because they wanted my CD and half were being charitable. Either way I hope they enjoy them and am very thankful for their help.
The ride home on Greyhound (Detroit-Cleveland-Pittsburgh-Philadelphia-NYC) was interesting for several reasons:
It was 17 hours and 20 minutes on Greyhound buses. And I was sitting next to a crazy woman for half of it.
Seriously 1030 am departure, 4 am arrival. Really gross.
Greyhound Stations have somehow managed to be near absolutely nothing edible in every city besides New York. In Cleveland and Pittsburgh, not exactly tiny villages, the only eating options within sight were vending machines and snack bars that specialized in stale food and sold items like cereal, but not milk. My Dad, a conspiracy theorist bordering on Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, thinks that the aviation industry has enough power to make bus and train travel inconvenient to encourage air travel. Given my experiences with Amtrak and Greyhound it seems quite plausible.
Greyhound Stations are how Cormac McCarthy should have envisioned a post apocalyptic future. They are near nothing of significance, the most recent music playing was Hootie and The Blowfish, indicating that the blast occurred sometime in 1995 and the roving group of creatures known as Greyhound travellers have the diversity and desperation of people you’d expect to have survived an apocalyptic event – Asians and Mexicans who have come from afar, black people, white people, and one giant mix of them who shall lead them.
Arriving at Port Authority at 4 am on Sunday I was so delirious that I could have almost been convinced to become a runaway teenage prostitute. I can only imagine the actual runaways that arrive at Port Authority on these buses.
Unfortunately, the trip ended on a sad note. When I turned on my phone late into the trip I had a message from my brother that my Uncle Henri had died in Haiti, as a result of the Earthquake. Right now my Aunt Denise and My Uncle Maurice are safe. My Aunt Adeline is still unaccounted for.
A few days ago we received word that Uncle Maurice, who is in his early 90s – my Dad’s oldest brother had been in his house when it collapsed. Uncle Maurice is a relatively feeble man, obvious given his age, but we had not received word whether Uncle Henri, my Dad’s younger brother and closest in age of all his syblings was in the house as well. As it turns out Uncle Maurice survived the Earthquake, but Uncle Henri did not. A picture was taken of him to confirm this before he was brought to a “morgue,” which may or may not amount to a mass grave. We don’t actually know.
My Dad is rather stoic when it comes to death, but there is no doubt that this has been tough for him, both in personal loss and in seeing his native country basically blown up by a natural disaster. My Uncle Henri and Aunt Adeline were/are my Godparents and were by far the most frequent visitors to my house form my Dad’s side of the family. When they were children my father shared a bed with Uncle Henri, and if this did not speak to their closeness enough, my older brother is named Henri.
From my perspective my Uncle Henri was also the “coolest” of my Haitian relatives. It seems that the younger my Haitian relatives got the easier they were/are to relate to. For example my late Uncle Jean had the countenance of a dictator with an unpleasant thought. This may have been just reserved for me because he had been the tallest member of the family at 6’4″ before I arrived. Further down the line was my father who had a sense of humor, but one that seemed to stop at Red Skelton and The Smothers Brothers. Then my Uncle Henri, the youngest of the Cauvin men of my father’s generation was the one who would come over and talk NBA hoops and was definitely the easiest laugh. My family’s loss is just one of thousands of sad stories, and at 76 my Uncle Henri certainly was not someone “taken too soon,” at least statistically. However, it is tragic nonetheless.
My brother is going to Haiti with my cousin Gregory today. They will try to persuade/assist my surviving relatives to go to the U.S. and hopefully find my other Aunt. Good luck and safety to both of them.
With the Detroit Auto Show in town I did not want to give the impression of being a corporate fat cat comedian, so I took Amtrak to Detroit, which only costs $78. The catch is that it takes a 14 hour train ride (looping around New York State instead of a direct line – who knew going through Rochester and Buffalo was the fastest way to Ohio and Michigan?) to Toldeo, Ohio and then a one hour Amtrak bus (yes, Amtrak has buses) to Detroit.
For those of you who have never taken the train outside of the popular Northeast Corridor (Boston-DC), it is a real treat. It is basically people too obese to travel by plane comfortably, people afraid of being near TSA agents and 6’7″ comics attempting to be frugal. The winner from my trip yesterday-today (3:45 pm-730 am in total) was a woman proudly sporting an Ohio State t-shirt who must have threatened to beat her daughter at least a dozen times. My favorite threat was after leaving the snack car, she said, word for word, “Now eat your snack or I will beat you.” Now I am all for the occasional beating of a kid as discipline, but this woman was threatening so much, without delivering that I almost yelled, “just fu-king hit her already!” Of course I had some sad thoughts about this girl if her Mom really does just beat her up in private all the time. But then I thought, assuming her father is not in the picture, she will probably make some young man and/or fraternity and/or strip club clientel happy one day. It’s all connected in the great circle of life.
After getting a quality 45 minutes of sleep around 3 AM I was woken up by horrific snoring from behind me. With most of the train car sleeping I considered using one of those cheap Amtrak pillows to smother the person to death, but I opted against it.
When I finally arrived in Detroit I had to take a cab from the hotel. The cab driver had on what appeared to be a relatively mainstream urban station (black people) and they were talking about whether the earthquake in Haiti was a sign that the End of Days was here (presumably they did not realize that the terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger film was released 10 years ago). If that was not enough for me to question the radio’s mainstream status, the female deejay was listing numerous natural disasters, including “tusanamis” – rhymes with two sodomies (I believe she meant tsunamis, but she should have axed her producers during a commercial break if she was unsure of the pronunciation). Of course my thoughts immediately went to, “So this ignorant bit*h gets a radio show and I am off to a Hampton Inn to inevitably lose money on another comedy gig?”
It should be noted that my return trip to NYC is a 17 hour Greyhound bus ride. I am currently getting CDC guidelines for what inoculations I need before taking that trip.
Of course my travel discomfort is but a mild diversion from the the horror occuring in Haiti. Right now, my father has not been able to get word yet on family members, including my Aunt and Uncle, but hopefully things turn out for the best. My Dad who is usually rather detached and uncomfortable with death seemed shaken (at least for him) because it looks as if his homeland has been destroyed – he is from Port-Au-Prince. It feels like a big waste of strength and time to be in Detroit writing a blog, rather than doing something concrete to help (given my size and name I could be of use in Haiti). So, in addition to texting some donations I will give all the money I make from CD/DVD sales this weekend at Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle to the Red Cross for Haitian disaster relief (which to my family, before the Earthquake, hd meant me getting money from my Mom to subsidize a failing comedy career). I brought 20 CDs/DVDs which I will sell for $10 each(iTunes/on-line sales for the rest of the month will be donated as well). Now you are probably thinking, “J-L, what good will $10 do for the relief effort in Haiti?” Well, hopefully every bit helps.
I am getting paid $300 for the gigs and my hotel and transportation for the trip equals $328 so the CDs were going to be where I made my food money/profit (mostly food money – I eat a lot). So if you are in Detroit or know someone who is,encourage them to come to the show or to buy a CD – I will count ALL money towards on-line purchases/iTunes returns for the rest of the month to my Red Cross donation). Or if you want to get something for your donation you can buy my CDs, even if you are not in Detroit. And if you hate me or my comedy, but still want to help, just donate.
Since I have nothing substantive or critical to say today (to quote Curly from City Slickers, “Day ain’t over yet.”) I began the day ruminating on the announced nuptials of Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly (formerly of Friday Night Lights, now will be know as “wife of Derek Jeter”).
First question, is A Rod going to be invited? And will he attempt to either interrupt the vows, the first dance or give an unrequested toast? Or will A Rod, a la the 1985 HBO daytime classic Just One Of The Guys, reveal before the wedding that he is a woman and is in love with Jeter, prompting Jeter to cry out,”Where the hell do you come off having tits?”
Second, is Tim Riggins going to show up to the wedding drunk?
Third, along the Friday Night Lights theme again, are the going t have W. G. Snuffy Walden do the music for the wedding? He has penned the scores to Friday Night Lights and the West Wing and he has a funny name so I thought it would be cool.
Fourth, I assume Jeter has undergone significant STD testing. If only for the bacteria carried by Rachel Uchitel. Don’t want to write out Lyla Garrrity because she has gonnorhea (write her out because she is annoying, but not because of sexually transmitted diseases).
Fifth will they finally stop showing Jeter’s parents on television during games like he is some bright eyed 19 year old new to the city and start showing the roster of all the metaphorical soil he has tilled since coming to NYC?
Sixth, does this also mean that Jeter can no longer be our society’s new standard for moral leadership since he banged hundreds of women while not being married (seriously this is the bar we’ve been left with)? Now that he is married I assume the Tiger watch will be on and the TMZ mentality of our culture will be waiting to see him slip up. Which will once again leave Obama as my girlfriend’s only reassurance that half black dudes can be trusted in relationships.
Seventh, does Joe Torre sit with the Steinbrenners at the wedding? Awkward.
Eighth – title for Minka Kelly’s memoir -“Right Place, Right Time: How To Marry A Millionaire Athlete When You Look Pretty And His Dick Is Tired Of Fu-king Everyone.” The foreword could be written by Khloe Kardashian’s ass.
Good luck Derek and Minka, in all seriousness I am pretty confident you will make it.*
December 21, 2012 has been touted as the end of the world on the Mayan calendar and by an atrocious 2009 film. If that is the truth then a slightly less significant milestone will be missed, which is June 2, 2013 – my last day in comedy. That’s right, like Oprah, Jay Z and Barbara Streisand I am announcing a tentative, likely to be ignored, retirement date. That date means that I will have been performing comedy for exactly ten years. Given a likely confluence of impending doom for my comedy career (1 term for Obama, personal bankruptcy, Type II diabetes if I continue to carry on an extra-relationship affair with Entenmann’s products, and a general sense that the brand of comedy I hope to perform (sans accent, sans unoriginal atheism, sans GPS and Viagra references) is going the way of journalism (my brother’s career which is also being sacrificed to society’s newest deities of impatience and ignorance). So if you see me in Times Square wearing a sign that says The End Is Near you will know what I mean.
So given that my life as a comedian may in fact have an expiration date I have already begun my next quest to find an outlet for one of the remaining talents I have (and if you are reading this you may agree) – I have begun writing a book.
My life has been a perpetual quest for finding an adequate outlet for my particular semblance of talents and ambition. Perhaps if I was born ten years later then I might have been stupid enough to pursue a reality television show instead of law school or stand up comedy, but I am where I am, with an education collecting dust, non-exploitative parents, some semblance of dignity and no contract with Bravo or E!.
I remember basketball being my first passion, but dreams of playing professionally seemed difficult for me since my hoops resume at the end of college would have basically read:
good at lifting weights
at 245 lbs can supply ample warmth for bench for people who play
93.3% from the free throw line (true story I was 14/14 from the line and on the last play of my career – an and 1 dunk – I missed my only free throw. This is also the answer to the future Jeopardy question: What is the most likely seed for J-L’s bitterness and sad outlook on life)
Microsoft Office skills
So after that dream came the reality of law school, during which I became so depressed that I turned to something that, like a mob loan shark, provided temporary relief, but long term headaches: comedy.
So for the next three years and five months I will give it all that I can, and hopefully it does not end as a repeat of hoops, but it already feels like I have had my dunk (Craig Ferguson) and have been missing free throws ever since. Who knows, there are examples of people attaining their dreams at late ages, Susan Boyle (who apparently at 48 has the same disease as LeBron James and Richard Harris, which adds 20-30 years of age to your mug), and the Holocaust museum shooter to name a couple.
However, if comedy doesn’t work out, at least you will be able to have fun reading all about it. If people are still reading books by the time it’s finished.
New Year’s Eve is probably my least favorite holiday. I have had a relatively good track record on other trite and annoying holidays in terms of enjoying myself and/or not screwing things up. However, I have managed to have about eight bad New Year’s Eves in the last decade, from sleeping on an assistant coach’s couch in college because I had basketball practice the next day and the dorms were not open yet, to ruining a date a few years later because I passed out from overeating at a steak house, to getting dumped by a fiancee (actually a good New Year’s in hindsight, but you get the idea). In other words, the holiday has been bad luck for me. But thanks to my friend and fellow comic Nick Cobb I was getting a paid gig in New Jersey to perform at a New Year’s Eve show in Sommerset, New Jersey. If anything could break the curse of New Year’s Eve it would be comedy. And along similar lines of thinking, if anything can turn the country around it’s a Sara Palin presidency.
There is no need for a long post here. I got on stage and of the 200+ people I’d say I had the attention of 130 and the approval of about 95. The set was a B- performance and I got a D+ reaction from the crowd. But the Joe Wilson moment of the night came when Danny Rouhier, the emcee for the night asked the crowd after me if they were ready for their headliner, a woman in her mid or late fifties yelled, “Well, is he going to be better than the other guy (me) hahaha?” In other words an old, New Jersey, woman, three things that would generally disqualify her from judging my or most people’s comedy, had just delivered the final word on my 2009.
I have had some humbling moments in comedy, but this may have been the most humbling. So I watched the ball drop and said to myself, “Fu-k this year and fu-k this decade. I’m going to turn my fortunes around starting this New Year’s.” And then the first thing I heard after the ball drop was the DJ cue up “I Gotta Feelin” by the Black Eyed Peas and I had an inauspicious first thought for the decade: “Not this fu-king song again.”
No movies made this list (but I have already given you my Top Ten of the Year, so they don’t really need another platform anyway). Not everything is from this year, but they were read, viewed, worn or observed by me this year.
10. Fred Armisen. In a year that had some ups and downs, he represented both. He gave what is the least funny impression ever on Saturday Night Live and he did it week after week. To quote Forrest Whitaker’s character from The Shield, “It’s like he is pissing in my mouth!” But the bright side of that is that one year in there is still a void for a decent Obama impression. If ever there was hope for me in 2010…
9. Arrested Development – I know this show is older, but I watched the first three seasons on Netflix this year and it is the funniest multi-season show I have ever seen (important distinction hint hint). If you have not seen it, you should.
8. Laid Off/Full Time Comedian
According to my biopic script:
I walked out from the law firm that had crushed my soul with a defiant stride knowing that although I was taking a risk pursuing comedy full time I had the confidence of knowing that I would follow my dream and in the end be a success. I was also touched by the slow clap I received from all my co-workers as I left on my last day.
According to reality:
I planned on going to do comedy full time in 2009 at some point, but given the economic climate and the generally good feeling of a swollen bank account (from a pretty nice place to work as law firms go) I probably needed the push, or shove, of being laid off to pursue comedy full time. Now my dream still feels attainable, but is starting to resemble a bad acid trip as much as it does a dream on its way to fulfillment.
7. Steeler Super Bowl – This was cool because it was a great game and washed away memories of the only Super Bowl the Steelers had won in my lifetime – Super Bowl XL (40), which was the worst Super Bowl ever played. I also cannot put the Yankees title on here, because although I like many of the players, something about that victory felt like cheering Goldman Sachs’ bankers when they date rape your daughter and your pension fund. Of course the Steelers did not help themselves with their “ni-ger” shouting fans this season, but perhaps a poor season will be their punishment for having racist fans.
6. Obama’s Inauguration/Nixonland – Such a cool moment when Obama was inaugurated. Even cooler was being able to predict how half of America would turn on him as soon as they could and how his young supporters would realize that politics is work and detail and compromise and not a pop culture reality show called For The Love of Obama on VH1. I always bet on old people in the long term in politics and in 2010 the book Nixonland will prove quite prescient when the Republicans break through the 60 voting block in the Senate and win about 30 seats back in the House. If you like politics or just want to predict the 2010 election read Nixonland. But January 20, 2009 was still a great day. The country was divided on September 10, 2001 and after 9/11 the country rallied around Bush (91% approval, after being dismally low before). Do you think if the same happened today the country would rally around its President? I am guessing not.
5. The West Wing – Watched the entire seven seasons on DVD in 5 weeks. The greatest dramatic series I have ever watched not named The Wire. Sorry The Sopranos I think you’re great as well, but the detail and the writing of The West Wing was intimidating in its brilliance.
4. New York’s Funniest Comedian – I am still waiting for an e-mail response(to a very politely and respectfully worded e-mail) from a certain comedy club as to why I never got a call back, despite being promised a spot in a showcase and simultaneously being denied a chance to audition because it was unnecessary. This moment was a low point in my comedy naivete, but also a wake up call that was invaluable. That is not to say that 40 years from now when I am sitting a lone in a mansion, miserably counting my money in the dark, that I won’t assault, with a bowling pin, some booker or manager or assistant sycophant who shows up to my home. That reminds me, I think my next CD will be entitled “I’m Finished!”
3. The Bonfire of the Vanities – The most enjoyable piece of fiction I have ever read. Did for novel writing what The West Wing did for me in terms of television. As Salieri said of Mozart’s music in Amadeus, “Remove one note and there would be diminishment.” That is how I felt about every sentence of this 600+ page novel, which is just as relevant today as it was 22 years ago. Just don’t see the movie before or after reading it.
2. Paul Millsap Jersey – I received this gift Christmas 2008, but I did not wear it until this hoops season. If it’s the thought that counts, then I have never received a better gift in my life. And I seem to be the only person outside of Utah to possess one, which makes it even more exceptional if you consider things in Utah fashionable.
1. Eastbound and Down – So this is the answer to the question what could be better than great literature, historic national elections, pursuing your dream or seeing your team win a title? That’s right – a fu-king redneck. If Eastbound and Down ended after only these 6 episodes it would be like Guns N Roses dying after releasing Appetite For Destruction – a perfect debut to live on forever. So apologies to my girlfriend, Barack Obama, Tom Wolfe, Jason Bateman, The Steelers, stand up comedy, and everything else that went on this year, but my favorite thing this year was a foul mouthed racist pitcher form Shelby, North Carolina – Mr. Kenny Powers.
And feel free to support Kenny Powers with a Kenny Powers jersey: Kenny Powers Jersey
Have a Happy New Year readers and fans. All 6 of you.
I thought this year was a really good year for movies, despite the garbage that was listed on this site yesterday. Before getting to the top 10 movies of 2009 (and the decade) here are some special (mostly positive) awards for movies in 2009.
SPECIAL AWARDS
Most Surprisingly Good Movies (in no particular order)
1)This Is it– Thoroughly enjoyed the concert (rehearsal) documentary about Michael Jackson. Great music and a worthy tribute to the fallen icon and aficionado of play dates with tweens.
2) Taken– The Liam Neeson film is a perfect example of how a movie that has no ambition, only one star and a simple plot can still deliver if it just tries to do the simple things well. And the scene where he shoots his friend’s wife to show that he means business was one of the best this year.
3) Crank 2– Either the most ingenious quasi-spoof of action movies ever or just a ridiculously entertaining goof. Either way I had no idea that I would enjoy this movie as much as I did. It now validates Jason Statham’s work visa to me, though his films have only grossed slightly more than my YouTube videos.
4) Drag Me To Hell – This Movie almost made the top 10. Funny, creepy, gross, and all on purpose. A good, but not great movie. However, there were very few movies I enjoyed more than this one.
Take My Wife, please.
The Any Given Sunday Award For Most Disappointing Movie Based On Awesome Trailer
Watchmen. Blue genitals and a waste of time is all I remember from this movie. The trailer, however, was perfection.
The Two Towers Award For Great Trailer That Delivered Great Movie
Nothing. But The Men Who Stare At Goats was my favorite trailer of the year and the movie was solid, but still did not meet expectations.
2009 Honorable Mention (A/K/A The Unpaid Guestspot of Movie Awards)
Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Two Lovers, Food Inc., State of Play
2009 Top Ten Movies
10) (tie) Sugar, The Messenger
Sugar is the story of a Dominican immigrant seeking to become a baseball star. Came out early this year to rave reviews, but has long been forgotten. Anyone who is a baseball fan or interested in the immigrant experience should see this. Or just hang out by Yankee Stadium.
The Messenger is the best war movie this year. It is about two soldiers who report to next of kin of the loss of loved ones. The things people do for work in this economy. Really strong and simple movie.
9)Capitalism: A Love Story.
This movie is a reminder that America used to be a place where a middle class person could thrive (middle class meaning one blue collar job with could salary and benefits, not $5 million dollars or less like John McCain seemed to think). Now thanks to a selfish, never too rich mindset the wealth is more concentrated at the top than ever before. Sadly for working Americans and Michael Moore, America is one big casino and the house always wins.
8) 500 Days of Summer
The fact that Music and Lyrics was my favorite romantic comedy before this movie came out (yes I have seen Love Actually, but have not seen When Harry Met Sally yet – gasp!) may diminish my credibility in this genre, but I am probably not the only person telling you how great this movie is. Funny, heartfelt and thoroughly enjoyable. And the lesson of the film couldn’t be more optimistic: if you find yourself in a relationship with a cu-t, don’t worry because eventually you may go out with Derek Jeter’s girlfriend.
7) Bruno
The selection most likely to anger people. First, yes I thought it was funnier than Borat. Second, the best opening of any film since The Dark Knight. As the techno music began blaring and the words “black guys” and “taint” flashed on screen I could not stop laughing. For many the film was too crude. Other complaints I heard was that Borat had a point in showing some ignorance in funny ways, whereas this just went for cheap laughs. Probably true. Perhaps it was easier to embrace a character who was exposing racism and sexism and, most flagrantly, anti-Semitism in Borat and feel good about laughing than in Bruno, where you are just laughing at the absurdity of a gay character’s libido on steroids. My advice to the self-righteous – take the champagne bottle out of your ass and watch Bruno pour some champagne out of his boyfriend’s.
6) Precious Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Fat, pregnant by her father (again – fool me once shame on him, fool you twice… shame on him again in this rare exception to that saying), illiterate and Mariah Carey as your social worker. And I thought being a comedian was tough. This movie is a powerhouse and Mo’nique’s performance is one of my three favorite this year (Christopher Waltz in Inglorious Basterds and Paul Rudd in I Love You Man being the other two). And I would like this movie to win Best Adapted Screenplay so that Sapphire, who probably negotiated the self-indulgent title has to hear the dumbest phrase ever uttered at an awards show: The winner is Precious Based on The Novel Push By Sapphire Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire.
5) Up
The opening to this movie may be the most touching sequence in movies this year. It is just another great movie from Pixar. Normally stories of old men hanging out with young fat kids is awkward (think Herbert the Pervert and Chris Griffin from Family Guy as one such pairing), but this movie is nothing of the sort. Plus it has a talking golden retriever, which will always get support from me.
4) Inglorious Basterds
Christopher Waltz was amazing, but surprising to me was how good Brad Pitt was. A funny, intense, enjoyable movie about Nazis and the Jews that hunted them. It was also a welcome relief from the usual parade of mediocre, maudlin films about the Holocaust that are raised to critical praise because of the subject matter. After Schindler’s List I think Hollywood could have just waited for this one . After all slavery has had what, Roots and Amistad? I think 6 Holocaust movies come out last year alone. But I digress. Basterds is awesome (and my favorite Tarantino film – that is what I think, but I am also writing it because I want to anger those who worship at the altar of Pulp Fiction).
3) Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
Even more than Bruno, this choice is likely to bring on some WTFs. I did not even want to see this movie, but then reviews kept talking about how much fun it was. The biggest shock of the year for me was this movie. It was hysterical from start to finish. It was like the humor of Family Guy, but not as crude or easy. I flirted with putting this #1, but the last two choices, upon reflection, were the two best movies of the year.
2) Up In The Air
I am tired of the “this is the movie that defines our times” type quotes, but besides that this is a great movie. George Clooney’s best (unlike his win for Syriana, no complaints if he gets Best Actor) and a movie that is so good that I cannot exactly explain why it is so good. Perhaps it is because it is a movie that defines our times… oops.
1) District 9
The most original movie I have seen in a long time. The biggest crime of the Oscars could be if Avatar gets a best picture nomination and this does not (if they only feel like honoring once sci-fi-ish film). Since it is #1 I don’t think it needs any explaining, other than the fact that it comes out on DVD today so you should rent it if you have not seen it.
TOP TEN MOVIES OF THE DECADE
10) School Of Rock – Along with The Wrestler, no movie has matched an actor better this decade than Jack Black and SOR.
9) The Departed – I hate the Boston accent, but that was the only thing I hated about this movie.
8) Eastern Promises– Russian mob in London and the best fight scene in any movie ever. Sorry Bourne Ultimatum. You were second.
7) Million Dollar Baby – The only movie that made me cry this decade (joining E.T., Glory and Dead Poets’ Society on the career list). Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman and Hilary Swank all at their best.
6) Traffic – A decade later the violence in Mexico is worse and the liberal pot smokers who abhor the violence of war or the treatment of chickens that are not free-range, but still help fund the cartels that propagate massive bloodshed in and around the border. This movie would go under the category of wake up calls unheeded. Great movie.
5) Finding Nemo– My favorite movie from the most consistently great movie studio.
4)4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days – I am not a big foreign film guy, but this was so intense and so good I regretted not speaking (Romanian if my recollection is correct) the language because even checking the subtitles was too much attention away from the acting.
3) The Dark Knight – I have never seen a movie in the theaters more than this one. And it’s not even close. Die Hard, The Matrix and The Dark Knight are the three films that changed and elevated action movies higher than any others in the last 20 years. To me, it was even more impressive to take action, the way Christopher Nolan and Heath Ledger did, and turn it into art.
2) The Lord Of The Rings – Because of The Godfather III’s mediocrity this is the greatest trilogy of all time. Shut up Star Wars people. (and if I had to pick just one – The Two Towers).
1) United 93 – I have only seen two perfect movies in my lifetime. One was Amadeus, my favorite movie of all time. The other was United 93. I am not saying it is my favorite movie of all time; it would be hard to make that claim about a film focused on 9/11. But the realism, the intensity, the respectful rendering of an incredibly sensitive subject and the overall product was second to none this decade for me. In a sad way I guess it is fitting that the decade’s defining event yielded the decade’s best movie. Besides, a movie about our collective self-indulgence and self absorption called Twitter v. 3.05 would not be nearly as riveting.
People often ask to start with the bad news when given a good news/bads news option and this blog will be no different. Besides, the worst movies will provide more humor than the best movies of the year. For me it as also easier to come up with the list of 10 worst movies than the ten best. Here they are,
10) Year One. Jack Black, Michael Cera, Paul Rudd and Harold Ramis, to name a few, decided to take off from being successful and funny and make this terrible movie, which, like many liberal comics in New York, showed that making fun of the Bible does not necessarily make you as funny as George Carlin.
9) Friday The 13th. It came out early this year, but was strong enough it in its shi*tiness to stick around. This was actually the first horror film I have ever seen where the acting was actually better than the film. That is like watching a WNBA game and saying, “Man these girls are awesome, if only they had better coaching to take advantage of their skills and athleticism.”
8) Funny People. This film is here, not so much because it was a terrible movie (it was not), but because I have not been misled by a marketing campaign for a movie this much since I thought I was going to a sports movie called Jerry Maguire. Late night show hosts and bloggers seemed to all be in on the scam – this was a movie that would show what being a comic is really like. Instead it showed the audience what the lives of chubby, unfunny, overpaid Jewish guys is like. It could have probably been called Goldman Nut Sachs (as a tribute to the genital humor that also abounds in this movie).
7) Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.Needless to say this was the #1 movie of 2009 in terms of financial success. Racist robots were apparently the cure for the summertime blues of Obama fatigue. This was also the worst movie experience of the year for me since I sat next to a guy who talked so much during the movie that I think he was conjured up in a stereotype machine invented by the Wayans Brothers a la Weird Science’s creation of Kelly LeBrock.
6) 2012. The biggest disaster film of the year not starring Tiger Woods (I am almost done making Tiger jokes). The effects were weak and at 2 1/2 hours long, the film was about 2 hours and 27 minutes too long.
5) The Proposal. In a year where 500 Days of Summer showed how good a romantic comedy could be, this film showed how bad they could still be (and people ate it up). Puritan sexual mores and too much religious fervor are some of the things that people point to to show how unenlightened America is compared to some of its less powerful, but equally Disney and McDonald’s craving European allies. I think looking at the collective grosses of Sandra Bullock’s movies make the case much more strongly. (I have not seen The Blind Side yet, but am looking to get a free ticket, which will allow me not to financially support a great white hope story that looks terrible).
4) X Men Origins: Wolverine. My hopes ran high a year ago when I saw The Dark Knight for the 432nd time. Perhaps people would demand higher quality action films. And the trailers for this film looked promising. What was delivered was the worst thing from Australia since Yahoo Serious.
Let’s take a breath here and recognize that the next three films are even dangerous to say out loud they are so bad.
3) Antichrist. Here is the review I posted on Facebook after seeing this film:
I wanted to see this movie based on the preview, despite mostly bad reviews. Upon seeing the movie, here is who should see this movie:
1) Want to see a montage in which Willem Defoe sexually penetrates (shown) an actress while his character’s son (approx 4 yrs old) falls out a window to his death.
2) Want to see a fox eat its own wounds (take that Fantastic Mr Fox)
3) Want to see Willem Defoe receive a handjob and then ejaculate blood.
4) Want to see a woman self-circumcise herself.
If you have answered yes to more than one of these questions (I appreciate morbid curiosity in small doses) then please de-friend me. 🙂
2) Paul Blart: Mall Cop. One of the surprise hits of the year and that is what made me watch it. However whenever something that I am initially skeptical about generates popular success (Mamma Mia! the musical, The Fast and The Furious to name two) my initial skepticism is always correct. This may be the greatest example of this in pop culture history. It seemed to have the quality of a student film, but with far less quality work on the part of the actors. A movie of truly devastating crappiness. To paraphrase the Dude from The Big Lebowski: “Well, you finally did it America, you’ve killed fu-king comedy.”
drum roll please
1) Amelia. Perhaps Amelia Earhart knew this movie was coming, because I would disappear too if this bag of sh*t were attached to my name. Hilary Swank and Richard Gere both producing the worst film of their careers (yes I am counting The Next Karate Kid). And here is the worst thing I can say about a movie. This was not only worse than Paul Blart, but was worse than last year’s worst film – Twilight. ‘Nuff said.
This morning I spoke to three high school classes in Brooklyn about civil liberties and related issues joining the ranks of Mr. Holland, John Keating, Dewey Finn and Dana Marschz (Hamlet 2 – an underrated gem of a comedy). At least that was the plan. As a former prosecutor and person who now currently makes a “living” at speaking/entertaining strangers, a law school classmate recommended me to a friend of his who is a teacher in Brooklyn. In other words I would finally be given an opportunity to crash and burn at the three professions that have ever crossed my mind in one morning(law – former profession, teaching – thought about seriously and comedy, the one that has made me turn to Crumbs cupcakes the way Nicholas Cage turned to booze in Leaving Las Vegas).
When I woke up this morning at 620 am I had flashbacks to what it was like to be a normal human being and I did not like it. Then I started to feel anxiety with the knowledge that I would be doing law related stuff. It genuinely made me tense and uncomfortable, which would manifest itself on the stairs down to the V train.
As I walked down the stairs, a narrow stairway, I was blocked from going down as quickly as I wanted because of a father who thought 815 am in midtown Manhattan was the perfect time to teach his 3 year old son how to walk down approximately 50 stairs. I felt tension build up, but then eventually it began to recede. Just at that moment, like two-thirds of the way through a science fiction or horror movie where the villain appears dead, but you look at your watch and go, “but that is so soon, uh oh…” a twenty-something bitch basically shoved me out of the way with about ten stairs to go (and no train in sight since the platform was visible at that point). Although I wanted to send her the way of the Priest in The Exorcist down the rest of the stairs I settled for “Excuse you cu-t!” Not my finest moment, but a truthful moment nonetheless. Naturally I blame morning and the law for my poor attitude.
When I arrived at the school I was greeted by the following sign:
“No Weapons Allowed Beyond This Point” – Do you think there’s money is establishing weapons storage facilities near schools so that kids can keep their guns safely and conveniently near school without violating pesky school rules?
I then went through the metal detectors and waited to speak to kids about the 4th Amendment.
They say that when a lawyer speaks before the Supreme Court he/she is lucky to speak for a minute before being interrupted incessantly by questions from the Justices on the Court. Well, the same is true for speaking in front of 11th grade classes in Brooklyn, NY. But overall, they were a great bunch of kids (it is amazing how childlike 17 year olds look to me now, which makes LeBron James’ old mug when he came into the league at 18 even more astounding) and here are the highlights of the experience:
These kids have a really bad perception of the police. Not unanimously, but for most it seemed as ingrained as religious or sports team affiliations. But many were very thoughtful and open to new points of view with respect to what constitutes a reasonable versus unreasonable search.
Reviewing the 4th Amendment for three hours led me to say the word reasonable more than that short, bald guy had to say inconceivable for The Princess Bride.
I got into a friendly argument about Kobe Bryant in the elevtor with two young men. All was resolved when one of them told me he thought Utah’s Deron Williams was the best point guard in the NBA.
Kids find it as funny as comedy audiences when you refer to them by articles of clothing. Which is very funny.
I am now being offered a movie deal called Reasonably Safe Minds.
And here’s a photo of the bathroom at the school – the bathroom was really the only thing that reminded me of the Welcome to The Jungle montage from Lean on Me (the school was quite safe in Park Slope, but the concentration of minority students is, I am sure, what generated the metal detector need that is miraculously not present at other Park Slope area high schools, something which the kids were quite aware of):
See kids, this would be an unreasonable use of toilet paper
A very worthwhile time in Brooklyn. Hopefully the kids got something out of it since I only addressed about 5 of 14 points I wanted. Time flies when you are having fun I guess.
