My Top Ten Movies of 2010

Other than my year in comedy review (will post next week), the only thing I have spent more time on is probably watching movies.  Yesterday I posted my ten worst movies of 2010, so today it is time for a rare burst of positivity from JLCauvin.com – the top ten movies of 2010. But first some honorable mention titles:

  • The Town– being a mash-up of The Departed and Heat may be unoriginal, but that doesn’t stop it from being quite good
  • Waiting for Superman – A touching and powerful documentary.  Would have been in the top ten if they had spent even five minutes discussing the one problem schools will not be able to stop – bad parents.  It is easy to feel bad for and touched by the children of devoted and struggling parents, but even if schools were perfect, there would be thousands of bad parents whose children would fall between the cracks.  Still a strong movie though
  • Countdown to Zero– scary documentary about nuclear weapons
  • Tangled – Second best animated movie of the year
  • True Grit – a solid movie with A+ performances, but the movie fell short of my expectations and of the top 10
  • The King’s Speech – British people during Nazi aggression – any way this doesn’t get 10 nominations.  A very good movie, but not great
  • Client No. 9– works best as a companion piece for the stellar documentary Inside Job.  After watching both you will be convinced that powerful interests were at play in exposing Elliot Spitzer.  At this point, for all the good he tried to do I’d be okay with him having prostitutes in the Governor’s mansion.
  • Fair Game– Sean Penn and Naomi Watts were great in this movie about Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame (though I was disappointed that Gollum from Lord of the Rings was not cast as Robert Novack).  There were some fictional add ons which degrade the movie as completely credible, but the basic story is true – Bush administration lied about yellow cake – Joe Wilson wrote about it – Bush administration exposed his wife as a covert CIA operative.  Where was the Tea Party during that?
  • The Other Guys – some people may question this choice, but I did not laugh at any movie more than this one this year.

And without further adieu, here is my Top 10:

10. Green Zone

Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon teamed up before for the last two Bourne films, and Greengrass also directed one of the best movies ever made (United 93) and  this one did not disappoint.  Many people were disappointed in the lack of action throughout the movie, and the one-sided politics, but the story is clearly based on the true fact that the U.S. in its blood lust to seek justification to war with Iraq, trusted intelligence from a very untrustworthy single source.  Sometimes the truth is one-sided and Green Zone is outstanding and unapologetic.

9. Toy Story 3

The worst Toy Story movie is still excellent.  Pixar is basically assured of a spot on this list every year (though Cars 2 next year may be a push).

8. Let Me In

Normally I would be wary of a re-make of a film that just came out 2 years ago, but Let Me In, about a pre-teen vampire, is just as good as the excellent original, Let The Right One In.  And maybe liking this movie just fuels my disdain for a country that prefers poorly written and acted vampire films starring talentless turds.  Any other Twilight fans?

7. The Fighter

I have never thought Mark Wahlberg was a particularly good actor and yet, since 2006 4 of his films have made my list (if you count The Other Guys in the honorable mention – with The Departed and Invincible in 2006).  Of course, The Happening, was my worst film of 2008 so he is clearly hit and miss.  The Fighter is not Million Dollar Baby, but it is a very solid movie with no weak spots.  Christian Bale, Melissa Leo and Amy Adams are all excellent (Oscar for Bale is almost certain).  But is anyone tired of the Boston accent being so omnipresent in Hollywood now?

6. Catfish

In a year full of tremendous documentaries, this was the second best.  The Social  Network was a great movie making and very entertaining, but Catfish is so good at showing the real life implications of Facebook (what we all do, but to various, and for the most part, lesser degrees – living our lives on-line).  I cannot write too much about it because there is a twist.  And part of the twist is that it is a twist that you do not expect.  The final half hour of this movie is my favorite section of any movie this year that did not involve a van falling slow motion into a lake.

5. Carlos

The star of this film playing Carlos the Jackal, the infamous, but largely unsuccessful terrorist (I have dubbed him the Jennifer Aniston of terrorism) should definitely be nominated for best actor.  I only saw the 2 hour, 45 minute version of the movie (there was a 5+ hour version released briefly in theaters), but the movie is so epic, yet moves with a brisk pace that the best thing I can say is that I wish I could have seen the 5 hour version.

4. 127 Hours

Best actor – James Franco.  Done.  It may seem like a gimmick or a film school project to make a movie about a guy whose arm is stuck under a rock, but this is done so well and Franco is so engaging and entertaining (and the real life guy is a certified badass) that you forget how simple the movie is.  This movie could have been number one if I did not enjoy the top three so much.

3. The Social Network

I had wanted to write a pilot script about a year ago and around that time I began watching The West Wing.  8 weeks later I had made it through the entire season on DVD and was thoroughly discouraged.  Aaron Sorkin’s writing was so intimidatingly crisp and brilliant that I knew whatever I wrote would not measure up and would feel like a complete waste of time.  Well, Sorkin Wrote The Social Network and it was outstanding.  A great film with great performances (he has not gotten as much credit or hype, but I think the guy (one actor) who plays the twins should be nominated for best supporting actor.  The movie is 2 hours and it was one of the few films this year that I never checked my watch.  It just moved and flowed so well.  The only way to surpass Sorkin this year was to be even more creative or to just be a devastating true story.

2. Inception

The reason why the mere existence of movies like Twilight, the A-Team, Yogi Bear, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker films, etc.  is bearable is because there are still some big studio filmmakers like Christopher Nolan who are so inventive, creative and dedicated to make high quality work are around making films like Inception.  This move had, by far, the best sequence of any film this year.  That quadruple dream sequence with people floating and the van falling in slow motion was, for lack of a better phrase, fu*king awesome.  Great cast, great script (I look forward to the original screenplay showdown between Sorkin’s dialogue and Nolan’s brilliant overall concept), great film.  For those that said it was too confusing I say to you – enjoy Twilight, the A Team, Yogi Bear, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker films, etc.  Hell, you might as well go see a Kevin James movie while you are at it.  But a movie about people who steal your dreams could only get second best of 2010.  The best film is about people who are stealing your money.

1. Inside Job

The last time I had this powerful a reaction to a movie I was watching the first 25 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.  For all the terrifying blood and fear of the battlefield that Steven Spielberg showed in SPR, that same feeling was brought out by the greed depicted and moral outrage I felt watching Inside Job.   When I saw Deep Impact I remember feeling terrified at how helpless we would be if a giant asteroid were headed towards Earth.  Well, the corporate greed in America and the government that is owned by them have steered America on what feels like an inevitable path of self-destruction.  Wealth disparity + government ownership = more wealth disparity +…

Both parties have been and are guilty, but the GOP is the principal actor and continues to manipulate the masses into believing that the American Dream is possible for everyone and that America is #1 in everything and anyone who contradicts that is un-American or unworthy of your vote or support.  And then behind closed doors they ensure that what they just promised all Americans is in fact, not possible.  This documentary is just a fact-by-fact explanation how unbridled capitalism has brought us to this place.  It certainly is not a feel good film, but I think it should be required viewing in ever 9th grade class in America.  When my girlfriend saw it on my recommendation she said that someone leaving the theater dismissed the film as “well, that was one-sided.”  Well sometimes the truth is one-sided.    We are too eager to find compromise on issues in this country because compromise always seems best, but not when one side is completely wrong.  That just means you are edging away from the truth.  I always thought it was some leftist, hippie cry that “corporations own the government.” Well it is not some liberal, hippie cry or some apathetic surrender – it is the truth and Inside Job is your guidebook.

The Ten Worst Movies of 2010 (that I saw)

Another year is coming to a close, which means I have once again seen a lot of movies.  This year, unlike last year, I made an attempt to avoid awful movies (for example I did not see or rent Grown Ups because Adam Sandler and Kevin James are the closest thing to crack-cocaine in terms of brain cell destruction, nor did I see Saw VI because I believe it is wrong for a film franchise to have three consecutive films that claim to be “the final one”).

Sidenote- seriously does Kevin James ever wake up and think, “Man if I sucked di*k for drug money on live television I would be less of a disgrace to my family. I have made three of the worst films ever recorded – Chuck and Larry, Paul Blart and Grown Ups.  And I know it.  And I have tons of money, but I don’t care.  I want to make dumb Americans even dumber and profit off of them mercilessly.”  And can we stop treating Adam Sandler like he is some beloved entertainer?  I know he reminds you of that moderately cute and cool kid in your Hebrew School class, but the dude is done.  Mr Deeds, Chuck and Larry, Grown Ups, Little Nicky, Big Daddy, etc.  The guy has done everything he can to kill good taste.  Enough – please collect your cash and go away.   

So naturally, despite moderate efforts I was unable to avoid bad movies for several reasons.  Travelling to comedy clubs around the country and having spare time, Oprah Winfrey and wanting to see if Samantha Jones finally gets AIDS were all contributing factors to the several terrible films I saw this year.  Before I get to the Bottom 10 I want to share a special note of two movies that were not worthy of the “worst,” but based on critical praise and box office success, are the two most overrated films of the year:

Box Office Overrated Film of the Year

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Over $300 million is what this film pulled in.  Weird is the best way to describe it.  Boring is a very accurate way to describe it.  Johnny Depp – you were cool and talented the first eight times you played a weird character, but now it feels redundant.  For a change, try playing a male with genitals who does not talk like a pretentious college student who has returned from a study abroad semester and now pronounces Barcelona as Barthelona.

Overrated Movie of the Year – Critics

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT

For me, the reason to give gay people all the rights they deserve is selfish: I am tired of Hollywood patting itself on the back for showing gays as regular people and then acting like they re-invented the wheel.  But that was ok for me with Brokeback Mountain, which I thought was pretty damn good, but what really gets me is when a mediocre movie that is lathering itself in every indi-film cliche is praised as a great film.  Enter The Kids Are All Right.  Granted there were other movies that will be nominated for best picture like The King’s Speech (will be this year’s “we have to nominate at least one movie with British people and one movie related to the Holocaust, so why not nominate this one which has both?) and Black Swan (dark artsy-fartsy, but interesting in parts), which were interesting, but incredibly overrated, but the Kids Are All Right really stands out.  It just is not that good.  The movie is a B- at best, but critics have treated it like The Godfather fu*ked Amadeus while Goodfellas watched.  If you have not seen this or have and thought it pretentious enjoy this brief cinematic interlude:

But none of those movies were worthy of being on:

J-L CAUVIN’S TEN WORST FILMS OF 2010

10. The Deuce – (tie)

Sex and The City 2 and Iron Man 2

Two sequels – two bowel movements.  Iron Man 2 is shameless in what is becoming a Hollywood trend – we have a hit, we want at least three films and everyone will pay for the second so we can make it a huge bag of sh*t and make half of the movie about setting up and establishing things for the third film.  It is literally the middle child before there is a third child.  The movie was just mediocre, but because of how shameless it was and how much worse than the first it was – it earned a spot on the list.

Sex and the City 2: It was good to see these old bags who have influenced a generation of emotionally and spiritually lost women go out like Brett Favre – with a cinematic equivalent of an interception.  Here is the summary of the Carrie Bradshaw saga: she finally gets her man (women will give a good guy one chance, good penis a few chances and a super wealthy guy almost infinite chances – see “Mr. Big”).  And what does she do when she gets her better looking Trump?  She complains about the monotony of married life, makes out with an ex boyfriend in a foreign country and complains to her hubby when they eat dinner in for…wait for it… two consecutive nights!  The lesson for all the women who wanted to be Carrie, thought Carrie was fabulous, came to NYC to have a “Sex ad the City experience:”  Carrie was a bitch.

9. Black People Besides Tyler Perry Can Make Bad Movies (tie) –

Lottery Ticket & Copout

When I saw Lottery Ticket I was hoping for something in the vein of Barber Shop and when I saw Copout I was hoping that Tina Fey was writing Tracy Morgan’s material.  I was wrong on both.  Lottery Ticket, starring fully grown Bow Wow produced the unthinkable – it offered a movie where Mike Epps, an incredibly unfunny human being, was the funniest thing in the movie.

Copout, combined with his deplorable HBO comedy special, proved that Tracy Morgan is completely unfunny when Tina Fey is not writing his words.  I was harsh on Fey when she was the head writer of SNL, but this chick has apparently worked miracles to make Tracy Morgan appear funny every week on 30 Rock.

8. The Worst Thing Clooney Has Ever Done –

The American

Even George Clooney can go to far.  Here is how I think this boring movie was made: George Clooney spends time in Italy fu*king models so he said, what if you filmed me driving and looking thoughtful while I was on vacation in Italy?  And maybe throwin a few conversations, some guns that we barely use but just show me putting them together?  And what if this was all so boring and self-indulgent that when I do a sex scene with a woman who is off the charts hot, it still cannot save the movie?  What, Hollywood – you love me so much, like a quarterback who is also in an A Capella group, that you are afraid to tell me no?  Let’s do it!

The review for this film can be summed up by the young black woman who was siting in front of me while watching it.  With about 15 minutes left in the movie she just, “Damn, this movie SUCKS.”  Sometimes talking at movies is OK and this was one of those times.

7. They lost me when Adrien Brody fu*ked a lab creature –

Splice

I thought this was going to be a tense sci-fi thriller.  Instead about one hour in to a relatively mediocre movie Adrien Brody fu*ks a creature he created in a laboratory.  From then on it became one of the worst films of the year and the most awkward moment I saw in a movie since Willem Dafoe ejaculated blood in Antichrist (last years #3 worst movie on my blog).

6. I think it is time to admit that The Rundown was accidentally entertaining –

Faster

The Rock was the most entertaining WWF/WWE star of all time.   Then his first starring movie not associated with a Brendan Fraser franchise was the very enjoyable The Rundown.  Seemed like he was destined to do great things – maybe not Oscar great, but legitimately solid entertainment.  Faster is the death of that optimism for me.  When I saw previews for Faster I thought – “Man, that looks like Taken, but on steroids!”  What it was was Taken on creatine with a lobotomy.  How they managed to make a movie about a dude travelling the country murdering people for revenge somewhat boring is beyond my intellectual capacity.

5. Even low expectations could not save these bad westerns (tie) –

Jonah Hex and The Warrior’s Way

Jonah Hex I saw while on the road.  I would have been better off lying in the middle of a road.  I think it was written in about 14 hours because it felt like it had potential if someone had just written a story.

The Warrior’s Way I saw with a buddy because I had already seen everything that he had not promised to see with his girlfriend.  The Warrior’s Way is honestly one of the 20 worst films I have ever seen, but since I had no interest in it and my expectations were zero I did not think it deserved a higher spot on the list.

4. I really hated this fu*king movie and its awful 3-D –

Clash of the Titans

I am sort of shocked that this was not the worst film of the year but it is close.  Between Avatar, Clash of the Titans and Terminator Salvation it is obvious that Sam Worthington is unable to act with actual people.  And after Clash of the Titans, maybe he shouldn’t be allowed to.  A giant bag of crap (shame on you Ralph Fiennes and Liam Neeson) and the poster child for the other cinema scam – 3-D.  I actually was able to watch half of the movie clearly without 3-D glasses and the 3-D was terrible (James Cameron rightly criticized the filmmakers for scamming people for extra ticket money, but not providing legitimate upgrade in quality).  I hate 3-D and I hate how it is becoming an automatic surcharge on every other movie now.  No one likes watching movie with special glasses.  It is annoying and when it is accompanied by a giant piece of crap like Clash of the Titans it really sucks.  And yes, a sequel is being made.

3. Like Mexican sex shows – only the horse was entertaining –

Secretariat

If the horse in Secretariat only had two film credits – sex with Mexican prostitutes and Secretariat, he should leave Secretariat off of his resume.  Schmaltzy to the point that the entire dialogue could have consisted of Jon Favreau screaming “who’s the wild man now?!” from Rudy and it would not have been as corny and embarrassing.  The only thing that was good in the movie were the 15 minutes of horse racing.  Everything else was awful.  I wanted Seabiscuit (but about the greatest horse of all time), but instead got a terrible ABC Family made-for-TV movie.

2. Even when he tries, Tyler Perry sucks –

For Colored Girls

This year Tyler Perry finally got to show off his diversity as a filmmaker.  For so long he was known as the creator of shi*ty comedies.  Now we all know he can make a shi*ty drama.  This movie actually has several good performances, but it is a TERRIBLE movie.  One dude kills his own kids, one guy gives his wife HIV, one guy rapes his date, one (unseen character) abused his daughters.  The one good guy is a cop, but his wife cannot have kids because… wait for it… a man gave her an STD when she was younger.  I think the movie is for colored girls by default because it is definitely not for colored men.  It is also a lazy movie, because rather than adapt the original text to w workable film script he just has the character inexplicably delivering long, poetic monologues which do not work in a movie.  Tyler – just stick to your day job of making shi*ty “comedies.”

1. When steroid abuse doesn’t kill who it’s supposed to (and your 2010 champion) –

The Expendables

A tremendously awful film.  Just like when white women feel like they need some fulfillment they open a cupcake store with family money and pretend to be serious entrepreneurs; when old white men feel unfulfilled they make movies like this.  An absolute embarrassment for even half-decent action movies, men and decent taste this is your champion for 2010.

I could not say it any better than I did in August on my blog – so enjoy:

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=1798

Tomorrow – Top 10 movies of 2010.

The Award For Biggest Charade

The Christmas season is a time when awards and end of the year honors are talked about.  Whether it is the Golden Globes, Time’s Person of The Year or the Oscars this is the time of year when people suggest and nominate people for excellence or notoriety in the past year.  Of course there is a set of nominations named at this time of year that are nominally more relevant to me than the Golden Globes, but for which I have as good a chance of winning as I do an Oscar – the ECNY Awards.

ECNY awards stand for “Excellence in Comedy, New York.”  Now, I am unabashedly competitive.  I have always been competitive – academically, athletically, even when walking down the street and I feel like someone is trying to pass me and walk faster.  It is why I have repeatedly entered comedy contests to the point of possibly being insane;I hope and want to win (and win money).  If I was less competitive I would probably be a happier person with my comedy career and wouldn’t go ballistic whenever read a Facebook update about someone booking clubs or shows that I have not/cannot.

That’s me.  Asshole?  Perhaps.  But I admit who I am.  One problem I have with comedy awards is that this business is so littered with “real people” who pretend to abhor awards and competitions.  They are the folks who will strut around saying “awards have no place in comedy” and “competitions are stupid” and “how do you judge comedy with awards?” but then cannot wait to seek validation through giving and receiving these awards.  Comedy is like the acting world, but with less transparency of people’s ambitions.  The whole scene reminds me of the goth kids on South Park, who considered themselves too cool for mainstream and think that they are incredibly unique and uncompromising individuals, not realizing that they themselves had participated in forming their own group-think and cliche.

There is a parade of nominations that occur and I think a couple of people have nominated me for a few things, and I nominated my Brett Favre video (hey can 5,000 YouTube viewers be wrong?  absolutely).  But like TSA at airports, I believe the nomination process is cosmetic.   Any comedian on Facebook in the NYC area should be able to predict who will be nominated for these awards.  So with that said I will be re-naming some of the awards to reflect my predicted nominees.  Of course, this is (mostly) not aimed at the nominees, but simply at the process, for which the dye is already cast, and at the people who would act above awards and pretend to be artists but because of industry carrots dangling before them, are unabashedly competitive.  Your categories are:

Best Male Comedian – “Who has the most television appearances this year – Comedy Central Presents a Plus, Comix appearances also a plus.”

Best Female Comedian – see above

Best Host – “Who runs the shows most heavily promoted by Time Out NY”

Best Podcast – “All comics listen to Marc Maron, right?  So how about him and 4 others.  Did he already win? Fu*k.”

Best Sketch Video – “Have the people nominated last year done any new videos this year, because it would take too long to watch lots of videos from people we do not know.”

“Best Improv Group” – “Improv is painful most of the time, but to look all-encompassing as a comedy awards show here ya go”

Best Website – “What websites, regardless of design and innovation, are the best at promoting already established acts or acts with sufficient industry heat behind them, while never critiquing or offering substantive industry commentary or criticism beyond consensus beliefs for fear of risking their own access to events?”

Outstanding achievement in tweeting – “which hyper liberal with possible Comedy Central connections do we like?”

Emerging Comic – “If you are on Facebook enough and get enough invites to Time Out NY-favorite and Comix shows you will know at least 3 or 4 of the nominees (New York’s Funniest finalists from the contest preceding the NY Comedy Festival a definite plus.

Now of course, most of the people nominated will be talented and funny and I do not mean to disparage them.  And I have no problem with awards shows.   But the charade of a nomination process (sort of the on-line version of “open call” casting lines) coupled with the “awards are beneath comedy” hypocrisy make this sort of an offensive exercise.   Do you really think dozens of podcasts are being reviewed for quality, humor and insight?  Or that hundreds or maybe thousands of YouTube videos are being watched?   It is not that seeing 5 talented comedians get nominated is a crime – no one will be upset with the eventual nominees.  But the injustice is in promoting a charade as some egalitarian and official process, while I believe that if even one good comedian (let alone dozens) is not given equal recognition and consideration for his or her nominated work then the whole process is corrupt.  But there is some industry presence at these awards, which combined with an outpouring of delusional submissions for nominees gives an air of legitimacy that is far bigger than it should be.  I would have no problem with a committee picking all the nominees without an open process.  But like Presidential and Congressional elections, the powers that be need the proletariat to engage in the process to give it legitimacy, while simultaneously undermining their own interests by participating.

But a sincere good luck to most of the eventual/already decided nominees – you all work hard at what you do and comedy is a great thing, even if the comedy business sucks.  But if we can be honest about this: there is a new award category this year for the ECNYs – where people can nominate their own category.  How about: “biggest charade.”

But here is the most telling thing I learned about comedy over the last couple of years.  I wrote a blog not so long ago that basically denounced the comedy industry (not comedy itself) as just a microcosm of American capitalism run amok.  I bashed bringer shows and open call lines in particular, but generally the culture of a profession that could take people’s dreams and personal work and manipulate those for one-sided financial gain.  The blog was forwarded around extensively and I had many people comment on it and tell me in person that they thought it was great.  The thing you need to know about comedy is this – over half the comments posted to the blog and supporting what I had wrote were left under pseudonyms or anonymous.  Good thing there’s no award for courage in comedy.

Spider Man – Broadway Style

Last night I saw a preview performance of Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark – the $65 million dollar musical that from all reports seems destined to join Cutthroat Island, Rupert Murdoch’s purchase of MySpace and the money I have asked my friends to invest in bringer shows over the last 8 years as one of the biggest financial flops of all time.  There are many reasons why it may flop:

  1. Bad publicity – the delays, the high cost, the early accidents are all spelling doom.
  2. The nerds – the so-called purists (a/k/a comic book reading freaks who would be virgins, but for the hormones of ugly girls) who will not see this because Spider Man does not belong on Broadway (really – an awkward teen with a muscular physique who likes wearing tights does not belong on Broadway?).
  3. Judgmental theatergoers who do not believe Spider Man is worthy of Broadway (really – an awkward teen with a muscular physique who likes wearing tights does not belong on Broadway?)

Well, there is a big reason why it can succeed – the first half of the play is fantastic (or fabulous/fierce in Broadway speak).  Here is my breakdown of last night’s Broadway event.

So I arrived with my girlfriend for the preview performance (regular engagement tickets will be $140 which J-L the unhappy lawyer could afford, but J-L the unhappy comedian cannot) we were greeted to a speech before the show.   It was explained to us beforehand by one of the show’s producers that because of the scope of the play, previews could not be done in Europe to prep the play because there are no stages that can handle the show besides the Foxwoods Theater in NYC.  That is why there have been errors and delays that normally would not occur in New York.  This reminded me of my flight to Chicago a couple of weeks ago where the JetBlue pilot actually gave us the “this flight is going to suck badly” speech before one of the bumpiest flights of my life.  But I survived that flight and I assumed that unless Spider Man or the Green Goblin fell on me from 40 feet above me I would survive the show as well.

The first act was terrific – amazing, injury/mistake free stunts, terrific sets (seriously the best I have ever seen) and mostly good songs  (written by Bono and The Edge of U2).  So despite being crammed into a seat next to an unusually aggressive old man who wanted to fight me for an arm rest, me and the lady were really enjoying the show. If the musical had stopped then (which given the plot of the show, it actually could have) I would guarantee good reviews and huge success.  Then the second half occurred.

The second half is pretty boring, full of so-so solos, about a tenth of the stunts and excitement of the first act, and a plot that had it been a season finale of a television show or an M. Night Shayamalan film, Twitter would be going crazy with comments like “cop-out!”,  “Bullsh*it!”, etc.  Now the problem for the show is that they are obviously going to want to attract families in big numbers, but if me and my girlfriend were bored and physically uncomfortable in the second act, how is some 8 year old obese turd with ADD going to sit patiently while some Spider Lady moans on about some ancient curse?

So overall I would grade the play a B+.  An A for the first act and a C- for the second act (but the first act weighted more because it is longer and the set work is outstanding throughout).  But for anyone who is worried about whether Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark is true to the spirit and culture of Broadway, rest assured – this photo was taken backstage:

Casino Royale

After a tough start to the comedy week things have been looking up.  First, my dust-up with PMSports.com has been resolved in a favorable fashion (I will be paid and have been told that it was an accidental oversight).  Second, I got to  feature at the Turning Stone Casino in Verona, NY on Wednesday.

Last year I emceed a show at Turning Stone in December.  The show was in a theater that held several hundred people, and with an audience of twenty-three it was near capacity.  It was like having sex with Madonna – you are in the space, but if feels cavernous and lonely.

Well after a 4 1/2 hour drive up to the Casino, through 3 brief snowstorms, I arrived to find us performing in a much smaller venue. The crowd was about 40, but the capacity appeared to only be about 150 so it was a much more fulfilling experience than last year.  Considering that we were competing directly with Kenny Rogers at the same casino I think we did pretty well.  After the show a couple was kind enough to pick up the tab for me at the casino bakery because they thought I was hilarious.  Or they were swingers.  Either way it was a rewarding evening.

Special thanks to Mr. Hunt, father of my friend and college teammate Matt Hunt, who made it out to the show.  As a resident of nearby Clinton, NY Mr. Hunt’s attendance proved the virtue of having spent a quarter of a million dollars on a B.A. and a law degree – friends and friendlies all over the country to make lightly attended shows slightly less lightly-attended.

Chicago Trip – Part 3

Like any great trilogy, this third and final installment had its share of desperate moments, but eventually ended in triumph.  Let’s take a look back at the final two nights in Chicago.

Saturday – 3 Crowds Enter, 1 Group of Douchebags Leave

Three shows is a fairly exhausting enterprise and this was no different.  However, in a major surprise, the 9pm show was the worst.  The shows were at 7, 9, 11:15, so the conventional wisdom is the the 7 pm show will be people just starting their evening, coming from an early dinner so they might not be ready for a stand up show.  The 11:15 would be expected to have a bunch of rambunctious drunks and sleepy people, which leaves the 9pm show as the perfect show.  Right time of night, the quickest one to sell out – all things pointed to it being the best.  But it was the worst.

The 7pm and 11:15 pm shows were packed and great.  But the 9pm show seemed to have imported several tourists from the South (this was not true, but given my public opinions of Southern comedy crowds you know this is not a compliment) and most notably had a group of 15 people celebrating a birthday.

This group, which I will call “Jersey Shore 40 Somethings” did not stop talking.  They were having their own show in the back of the room and just kept talking and annoyed at least one of my friends who came to the show.  It was a group that basically consisted of stupid people who still think they are “cool.”  To prove that it was not me, after the show the group of men and women were posing fro drunk photos with a homeless man.  If you are 19 and you did this I’d call you a douchebag, but excuse it to poor youthful decision making.  When you are in your forties and this is how you conduct yourself, you should be driven off a cliff because you are not progressing as a human, nor are you capable of contributing to humankind.  And you also suck as a comedy club audience group.

Sunday – Wherever Two or More Are Gathered in My Name My Jokes Will Be There

Small crowd on Sunday, but they were great.  Of course after the show I complained to my friend that almost no one took my contact cards, doing my best to focus on the negatives, as I sometimes do.  So leaving the club on a sour note I walked down the block after the show was over feeling sorry for myself, but then a woman with her boyfriend walking down the street said, “Hey, I saw you Thursday.  You were awesome!”

So for once, I left a comedy gig on a high note.  Let’s hope the good times continue.

Thanks very much Chicago. It was the pleasure I though it would be.

Chicago Trip – Part 2

Well after an odd start to the week, Thursday and Friday turned out to be fantastic comedy nights in Chicago.  Let’s start with Thursday night:

Thursday – Great Set, Awkward Sexual Encounters

Thursday was the first show I would give myself an A or an A+.  I felt great, consistent energy throughout the set and great crowd response.  Then the awkward after-show activities began.

As people were leaving the club I stood by the exit handing out my cards.  I try generally not to be too intrusive – sort of a mild encouragement to take one, rather than an automatic hand-off to everyone so that I guarantee at least the people who take one had some affirmative desire to get my contact info.  And sometimes comedy show attendees want to take a picture with you – perhaps it’s my borderline circus height in some cases, other times it might be because they want to remember a comedian they liked or some just want masturbation material.  Well, the only person who asked for a photo after Thursday’s show fell into this third category.  And yes, it was a dude.

During my set, a gentleman raised his hand during my set and attempted to ask a question.  It was rather bizarre since stand up comedy is not usually a Q & A, unless you are some douchey college comedian who tries to “engage the audience with post show discussion on social issues” so that you seem like more than a third-tier college grad who tells base fart and race jokes under the guise of relating to young people.  The guy seemed nice enough so I did not mock him too much for his raising his hand. (by the way I am in the process of trying to do exactly what I just criticized two sentences ago with a couple of racially ambiguous comedians – what a fu*king sell out!)

Well after the show this man, although slightly drunker at this point, came up to me and told me how great I was and asked for a picture.  Now at this point, based on his slight handshake, effeminate facial expressions and erection poking from his khakis I was able to surmise he was gay.  But since I don’t discriminate when it comes to people who like my comedy I said sure.  Well, as his partner tried to take the photo there were some malfunctions which allowed my new fan to keep his arm around me for what would be an uncomfortable amount of time had he been a large breasted women, let alone a dude.   But I had reached a point of no return.  I just had to bear a creepy hand on the small of my back for about 15 seconds or 45 minutes in creepchill factor.

The photo has not been tagged on any Facebook pages yet, but if anyone sees my face in any gay porn photos they are photoshopped.  I am not homophobic, but I am homophotophobic.   An ex of mine once said to me that she thought every straight man should have to hang out in a gay bar so they can experience what women go through with men (because every man apparently wants to alter the sexuality of a woman with an act she finds contrary to her very being? just more dumb woman logic from someone who thought herself smart).  Of course this is the same woman who defended her having had HPV by saying that “all women get it” (official stats – 25% of women contract it, which is only slightly above “all whores get it”).  Needless to say I disagree and won’t be hanging out in any gay bars unless they start buying my CDs.

After the show I went to a local bar with the headliner Jimmy Shubert.  At the bar we were greeted by some fans from the show.  Lets just summarize that part of the evening by saying women take rejection a lot worse than men.  I have a girlfriend and have no intention of coming back to NYC with anything, but a bunch of unsold CDs and 5 more pounds of fast food body weight.  A man has no problem with rejection because, like a sexual terrorist, we only need to be right once.  If a guy hits on 100 women in one night and one of those women agrees to have sexual relations the guy calls the night a huge success.  For a woman, the name of the game is national defense.  Reject everything until she decides that someone is worthy of a vaginal green card.  But if a woman tries to throw herself at a dude and he is not interested for any number of reasons, she is almost invariably a rude nightmare for the rest of the time that you are in the same room.  In this day and age of sexual equality (which is a myth – it’s just women wanting more money at work, less pressure to have kids (which is sometimes a sour grapes reaction to men getting to have more pre-martial sex than earlier generations) and still wanting the man to provide and pick up the tab like it’s still the 1950s) women need to start getting better at handling rejection.

Friday – 2 Great Shows and a Card in the Snow

Friday’s shows were awesome.  Same as Thursday, but even more people in attendance than on Thursday made these shows even more electric (please gay dude from Thursday’s show, if you are on this blog, do not read anything into me using the word electric in my description.  The Rock referred to himself as electrifying and if a buff dude running around in tights on a stage isn’t the model for heterosexuality than I don’t know what is).  Then some fun things after the second show

I have a bit about Big and Tall Stores –

Well, a “rather robust woman,” to quote Shallow Hal,  came up to me with a look that was either “I think he’s funny” or “I fu*king hate him” and said “Just to let you know I give great head to my black boyfriend.”  Only in comedy or pornography could you have done your job well and hear something like this afterwards.

Leaving the club I observed one of my cards on the ground in the snow.  Maybe that woman came back from “Chicago Trip Part 1” came back for revenge.  So no matter how well a night goes in comedy, there is almost always a chance for something to ruin it.  Last night it was seeing my picture on the snowy ground of Chicago.

3 big shows tonight at Zanies – 7, 9, 11 pm

My final Chicago write up will be Monday when I return to NYC.

Chicago Trip – Part 1

On Tuesday I departed JFK on Jet Blue for a 6 day stint in Chicago.  The trip got off to an inauspicious start when the pilot came out to address the passengers in person before the flight.  Here is basically what he said:

(grim face) Hey everyone – we’re getting set to take off soon and I need to let you know that it is going to be pretty bumpy up there, not just taking off, but basically the whole way to Chicago.  We are passing through a pretty bad storm and the weather in Chicago sucks ass and to the tall fu*k in seat 4B who decided that he would leave his parka at home and just bring a thin jacket because it looked less bulky and would be more comfortable – you are an idiot and you should listen to your mother.”

And the pilot was not lying – the flight was moderate to heavy turbulence for about 100 of the 130 minutes of the flight.  As someone who pees a fraction of an ounce every time a plane hits a bump it was a tough flight, but about halfway through I think my system just overcame my brain and said, “you cannot physically sustain this much pussy-ness for the whole two hours so just relax and read your Adam Carolla book (great read by the way – “In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks”).

So I arrived in Chicago with just over 10 hours to spare so I wandered the city, looking like either a terrorist or a homeless person, but I scared no one as much as I did the parents at the 420 pm show of Tangled at the AMC Theater off of Michigan Avenue.

I am a movie buff, some might say I have a “problem,” but those people suck.  I also really enjoy animated movies.  Some might call me “immature” but those people suck.  But it dawned on me that I am not just a “sir” or a “man” or a “sexual deviant” to small children, but to the entire world now.  I may look slightly young for 31 (I can pull of 26 to some drunk girls), but I certainly don’t look 19.  And the worried looks from the parents who saw a guy the size of an NFL defensive end plop down in front of them wearing 3-D glasses to see a princess with long hair sing about how her life sucks may have been justified.  In any case, great movie and for the record – I was masturbating to the hot, evil step mom in Tangled, not to any of the theater patrons.

So after catching pneumonia during the day in Chicago it was finally time for shows.  Here’s my review of my performances and the Chicago crowds Tuesday and Wednesday nights:

TUESDAY

Packed house.  My first joke – a bit about big and tall stores started strongly, but faded quickly.  My entire set was a masterwork in getting an audience to laugh and then giving them an opportunity to show what great people they think they are as the “awwwwwww”‘d several of my jokes.  I believe a decent amount of the awwwww’s came from women under the age of 27, who anyone knows, are the worst people on Earth.   So they let me know that they did not approve of my humor every other joke.  I would give myself a B, but the crowd a C-.  But weirdly enough, after the show I was getting a lot of enthusiastic praise from most of the people there.  Weird.  Lots of people took my cards, none were found on the ground outside and one guy even tweeted that people should go see me.

Sidenote – I did not “retweet” this tweet, because I believe people who retweet compliments so their followers can see that someone complimented them are narcissistic, even for Twitter, and should be hit in the face with a shovel repeatedly.  Seriously.

WEDNESDAY

Smaller crowd, twice the laughter from Tuesday.  This crowd was the opposite of Tuesday – show was amazing and I give myself an A and the crowd an A- (a little chatter from… you guessed it – a table of chicks under 27, stopped them from getting the 4.0).  The set went well, I could not even do all the jokes I wanted because there was more laughter than anticipated.  Great feeling.  And then after the show it all went to sh*t.

Some people were complimenting me – felt good, but then three things occurred that just left me feeling weird and wishing I had gone to teach high school right after college:

  1. Several people asking me “how tall are you?” after a show.  I don’t mind the callback to my joke – it is a nice compliment that you liked or at least re-called one of my jokes.  So thank you.  But please don’t give me a look like you want me to laugh super hard at a joke I wrote and have told 500 times.
  2. A woman shook my hand and said, “You were hysterical” so I handed her one of my cards with all my on-line content links on it (they are really nice – shout out to Steve Axworthy of Worthy Concepts Inc.) and she took it, walked two steps and then walked back and said, “To be perfectly honest, I will probably just throw this on the ground outside.”   Perfectly honest would be, “Im going to throw this out so don’t waste it.”  Being perfectly cu*ty is saying you will throw it on the ground.  Even in hypothetical situations you can’t have manners or decency – you both disrespect me and litter in your imagination?
  3. Last group of people leaving the show were a group of women in their mid 40s to mid 50s.  The first 5 said, good job, really funny, etc.  Then the last one walks up to me and says nothing about the show.  She asks, “have you been tested for (name of disease I cannot remember)?”  You have long legs and long arms and are very big and it affects men, like that basketball player who died (not sure who she meant)?  You should really be tested for it.”  And then she left, without comment on the show.

So I finally ended a show with the will to live restored only to have some lady from Chicago tell me I’m going to die anyway.

Shows and adventures continue tonight at 930pm at Zanies.

Chicago Bound

Had a good weekend in Long Island this weekend at Governor’s Comedy Club.  Had two shows that were good and then the third show was dominated by talkative, drunk women celebrating a birthday (at least it was not a bachelorette party, but given the group’s average weight of 345 pounds and the dirth of black men in Levittown, the likelihood of this group having a bachelorette party was unlikely).  So I posted a 2-1 record in Long Island, which is better than the 2-2 record I posted in Baton Rouge.

So on to Chicago tomorrow for a 6 night, 9 show run.  Anything less than 9-0 will be a failure (I like setting myself up for failure).

Posts forthcoming from Chicago…

J-L’s Time Person of the Year

One of the most anticipated magazine issues every year, besides the 114 that discuss whether Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston will get back together, is Time’s Person of the Year issue.  The criteria, according to Wikipedia, is  a person, couple, group, idea, place, or machine that “for better or for worse, …has done the most to influence the events of the year.”   Now clearly Time has not always honored that, most notably when Osama bin Laden lost in 2001 (rumor has it he will never attend the awards banquet ever again) to Rudy Giuliani – which was basically the Dances With Wolves over Goodfellas of  Time’s POTY.  But this year I think Time can get it right.

Many people got talking when the finalists were announced – on my Facebook page LeBron James got a lot of attention (ironically people obsessing over him for the last 6 months thought it absurd that he could be a finalist).  But for me the winner should be obvious.

My pick, of the numerous finalists, is Lady Gaga.  Now in 2001 Time clearly feared their choice would be seen as an award, rather than as mere acknowledgment and the fear of appearing a joke may stop Time from naming Gaga, so here’s the argument for her.

First off, she won a bunch of MTV video awards and in a year without Kanye West interruptions, that makes her the biggest music story of the year.

Now technically that is basically it for her actual accomplishments this year.  She is a hard working performer who has become a major force in music.  But that alone would just make her a minor irritant.  However, what she represents is basically the direction of  our entire culture.  Here’s why.

1) She has become the dominant figure on the Internet.  All due respect to Mark Zuckerberg, who created the Internet’s most pervasive medium since e-mail, but Gaga dominates all of our pithy forms of communication.  Her video Bad Romance is the most watched video on all of YouTube.  She has the most Twitter followers on Twitter (President Obama is 5th).  In other words, in a society that is increasingly turning information and entertainment into 140 character brain farts and 30 second, seizure-inducing visuals intended to keep the attention of morons, she is the Queen.

2) She takes pithy political stands.  In a country that is increasingly mired in a struggle to choose the less complex answer and choice for increasingly complex problems she took the brave stand of asking for the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  It is nice to use your fame and clout for good social issues and I think that is a worthy cause, but for a pop star who is next in line to lead the Kingdom of Gay Dance  Clubs (should Queen Brittney Spears die) I don’t think it is a particularly bold stand.  But that is our politics – does it affect me (Gaga’s dancers and fans)?  Is it already fairly popular or at least popular enough that I will not feel like an outcast if I join?  Then Yes!

3) She could have written the anthem for the anti-Immigration movement.  In a country where many people are anti-Immigrant and come out of the woodwork every election cycle, one of Gaga’s big hits of the last year was “Alejandro.”  The chorus:

Don’t call my name.
Don’t call my name, Alejandro.
I’m not your babe.
I’m not your babe, Fernando.

Don’t wanna kiss, don’t wanna touch.
Just smoke one cigarette and hush.
Don’t call my name.
Don’t call my name, Roberto

We get it Gaga – you don’t like Latinos.  Perhaps you could do a concert for the militias that patrol the border.  Just don’t bring your gay dancers.

4) She is a distraction.  The days of musical artists being relevant beyond the current minute are here.  Unlike Madonna or Michael Jackson or the Rolling Stones or the Beatles artists today are just flashes in the pan, in part because of a lack of creativity and perhaps even more due to our lack of attention span.  Madonna would take years to come out with a new album.  If Lady Gaga took years to release her next album, her next album would not come out because a dozen copycats would have taken her place.  Lady Gaga’s tireless effort is an acknowledgment that she, like the Justin Biebers of the world do not have staying power (at least as musical artists), both because of us, as well as themselves.  Madonna could change her image over a decade. Gaga changes her image every commercial break both because we need it to stay focused and she needs to do it to stay in the spotlight.  She labeled her album the Fame Monster and that is appropriate – because she is a monster and American consuming society is her Dr. Frankenstein.  So her influence is technically our doing, but she should accept the recognition on behalf of our culture.

5) Bad Romance is a pretty good song.  Got to give the devil her due.

Of course – if I were a betting man, I would guess that Time will go for an intellectually safe, discussion-creating choice like…