Inspired by the thought-provoking, inspirational and fairly one-sided documentary Waiting For Superman, I wrote and directed (and have a quick and violent cameo) a theatrical trailer for a sequel. For your viewing pleasure I give you Waiting For Superman 2:
I hope you enjoy it. Please pass it on to friends (especially friends who work in education).
Thanks and please continue to check out the videos on www.YouTube.com/JLCauvin
The insanity over Hurricane Irene (just downgraded to Tropical Storm in NYC moments ago) is another reminder of how selfish and short-sighted we are as a people in America. Weathermen have been sounding the alarms for the last few days and most people have heeded those warnings without much second-guessing. Sure there are those old people or angry people who are held up as silly for not heeding the warnings. While watching Fox News to see if they could find a way to bash Obama based on weather patterns, I observed Shep Smith basically go Drago on residents who would not leave Long Island or Queens; “if they die their funeral will not be free” and “they are stupid” were two of my favorite soundbites.
The basic lesson is that we will respond if we believe there is an immediate threat to our safety and/or material possessions. We will trust weathermen, who are to science what def poetry slammers are to art, because the risk is scary and immediate. No one wants to engage in a substantive debate or conduct more study to determine if they should stock up on water (or toilet paper for some reason to the people of midtown) and yet, climate change, which will cause more frequent and more ferocious weather-related catastrophes is something we cannot get people to mobilize behind.
This is a dangerous trend in our society that seems to be experiencing an ever-growing lack of scientific curiosity and attention span. Our society is too paralyzed to become a leader in green technologies, the sure to be big industry of the 21st century. The election process in this country discourages long term developments because all elected branches of government are concerned with re-election (even the Senate which was supposed to be the branch with longer vision and fewer concerns with re-election pressures according to the Founding Fathers). Obama has attempted some ambitious long term developments and we all see how his half-measures approach worked for him.
But weather is the greatest example of what cave men we really are. Al Roker can get us to respond more definitively and with more urgency than a dozen Harvard PhDs. Because long term sacrifice, vision and change are not things we want to do in America anymore. This storm is proof. If a doctor tells you you need heart surgery you will seek a second or third opinion at most before deciding to have the surgery. But if an overwhelming consensus of experts in their field of science tell us things must be done 50% of Americans say, “no thanks.”
Oddly enough a lot of the climate change skeptic community appears to coincide with the “Christianity is under attack in America” crowd (the other part being the “don’t tax me for anything and I am willing to believe whatever scientist’s opinion will lead to fewer taxes, regardless of how compromised that particular scientist is” crowd). Ironic that a people who base their lives on a future promise of a better life to come can be visionaries when it comes to telling people how to act in their homes and schools, but lack vision or passion for the planet when it comes to scientific predictions for what will happen. Perhaps a nice mix of Christ-like caring and scientific know-how is what we need, but that sounds like two things that are no longer cool in America: compromise and smart.
Last night at about 11 pm I went to Food Emporium across the street from my apartment to buy some bread. I find Food Emporium a soothing place at that hour. They have air conditioning going full blast, a selection of rock ballads playing on their sound system and almost no one there. Even if I only need to buy one item I will take my time to soak up the cool, calm emptiness (possible title for my CD in November).
But last night was not an ordinary night. When I got to the register there was only one woman in front of me in line, but nothing was happening. She had bought only what appeared to be four items, but the cashier did not know the code for the particular vegetable she was attempting to purchase. I looked at the woman and noticed (in order) that she had the large perky breasts of a 20 year old and the old, stretched face of Joan Rivers, but more masculine. I had strange feelings happening because the breasts looked fantastic, but the face looked like that famous woman who looked like a cat for getting to much surgery.
She had a voice that was also ambiguous – is it a man with lots of hormone therapy or is it her lip injections and skin tightenings just manipulating her speaking style? Fortunately confusion, revulsion and erection were all suppressed by my most reliable emotion: anger. As my bread slid down the conveyor belt, she began to give my bread the Heisman. Even though her items were already registered except for the vegetable, which the cashier was holding. She must have stiff-armed my bread three times in five seconds before I could get the plastic divider down, which wasn’t even necessary because her items were done. Of course I was slightly less combative because her rack had just enough power to stop my anger from becoming verbal and confrontational. But right on cue to back me up, another person got on line behind me. And it was apparent from his bloodshot eyes, his all organic purchases and his fierce gaze that he was a gay.
And after about ten seconds of waiting he was none too pleased. Here is how the rest of the Food Emporium trip went down:
Cashier: What is the code for this? (holding up odd vegetable)
Cashier with more experience coming back from her break: 6563 (or something like that)
Cashier types in code with vegetables in bag. Nothing happens. Gay guy is steaming. Seriously. Puffs of white smoke are coming from both ears and his asshole.
Experienced Cashier: Oh that is because the bag is affecting the scale.
Experienced cashier removes vegetables from the bag and weighs them with the code. All seems well.
Titsface: That is what I was trying to avoid. Now they’re dirty. I am not sure I want them.
Guy Fierce: Are you serious??? They’re perfectly fine. Just buy them. They have been a million disgusting places – just wash them. God!!!
J-L inner monologue: Oh good lord. This is what happens when you mix Glee and alcohol. Calm down and save your voice for singing along at your next Britney Spears commercial.
Titsface: Oh you can wash these? You can wash them with soap?
(I assumed Titsface was being sarcastic)
Guy Fierce: Yessss!
Titsface: You can wash vegetables with soap?
Guy Fierce: Yessss, my nutritionist told me that that is the way I should prepare my food and it is perfectly ok.
J-L inner monologue: Dammit Glee! I was on your side against this Tit monster, but you bring your nutritionist into an argument?! Do your private yoga instructor and anal bleacher want to weigh in as well?
Titsface: You wash all of your vegetables with soap and water? (I suppose trying to catch him in some sort of lie or inconsistency about vegetable preparation)
Guy Fierce: Yeah! (“gotcha bitch” voice)
Titsface: Even lettuce?
Guy Fierce: No
Titsface: So not all vegetables! (I rest my stupid case!)
During these last few lines the cashier cashed me out and I left to the sounds of bickering. I had a smile on my face as I left Food Emporium, but that quickly went away as I realized that old women with too much surgery and shrill gay men with substance abuse problems are who I will need to impress if I am ever going to make it in this business.
This weekend I performed at Wisecrackers in Scranton, PA. Here’s the re-cap:
The Trip
Being only two hours, fifteen minutes from NYC it was obviously a Greyhound trip. Fortunately, since Greyhound knows of my love for long, uncomfortable rides, they decided to leave 40 minutes late. Other than that the bus trip was uneventful. In fact, Greyhound buses now have nice leather seats and extra leg room, which must be nice for the people six-three and shorter who benefit from the extra leg room. However, Greyhound continues to discriminate against the exceptionally tall.
The Hotel
The Wisecrackers in Scranton is located in a Clarion Hotel. My warning that I was no longer in metaphorical Kansas (but much close to the mindset of Kansas) was the sign outside the hotel:
Now gun lovers and “real Amurrrricans” are big fans of saying guns don’t kill people, people kill people. But for such inactive objects, apparently guns can still have a show and get top billing over the comedy show. As expected I did observe several guys who looked like Larry The Cable Guy in sleeveless shirts and camouflage pants. I was just happy none appeared to go to the comedy shows.
My hotel room was nice enough and as a bonus they didn’t even require me to use a black-light to see the stains on my comforter:
The Shows
Friday’s show was fantastic. Overcapacity and very receptive crowd (the emcee did a great job getting them to settle down and focus on the stage – for a while it seemed like it was going to be a crowd full of people going, “Watch this I am going to make this show better by shouting things and talking” kind if crowd.”). The show was so good I celebrated like a rock star with my favorite post show beverage:
Saturday’s show was a lot tougher. I would rate Friday’s an A and Saturday’s a B+/A- I did manage to get away with calling the crowd racist in four different ways without losing them so that was a definite high point (my favorite being “Everyone calls Obama a black President, but his Mom is white. Now I know in 1950s America or 2011 Scranton he would have to use a different water fountain, but he is half-white.”). But I will give Wisecrackers-Scranton some credit. For the two shows there were 2 black audience members, 1 Asian man and scores of white people. Almost always a crowd that homogeneous, my humor doesn’t hit well. There is often a series of correlations:
But this chain was broken. Somehow this was a segregated, white community (some of whom did boo non-political Obama references) who had more sophisticated senses of humor than expected. So maybe they were not afraid of minorities after all! Or there actually were some people from the gun show at the club and their heat gave them courage. Either way thanks Scranton!
In what amounts to a historic drought for me I will most likely not be seeing a movie for the second week in a row. I am on the road and only a mile from a movie theater, but neither Conan The Barbarian nor Colin The Barbarian in Fright Night appeal to me in the least. But since I do not want to disappoint readers who look to my guidance and/or hatred and/or humor each week on movies I have a new J-L original (I went crazy this month filming four, and I think four of my best ever, sketches) to share with you.
This one is basically where I think the future of the E! channel is headed as they progress along the lines of large-assed women and the black men that love them reality shows. Enjoy Booty! (and please pass along to friends/facebook/twitter if you think it is funny):
I realized this morning that in a few months it will have been four years since I appeared on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, my only modest claim to fame. I think at this point I may be able to call myself a comedy one-hit wonder. And being on Ferguson is not like having a #1 one one-hit. It is more like I peaked at #27 on the charts back in late 2007.
Sadly, for comedians there is not the same effect of being a one-hit wonder as there is in music. I remember being in Birmingham, Alabama back in 2009 and hanging out with some guys after one of the shows who were in a rock band. Their claim to fame was that they were opening up for Hinder (a one hit-wonder band from the mid 2000s). The conversation consisted of them telling stories of what their favorite threesomes were. In other words they had had enough threesomes (and from a comedian who knew them – the women they had were quite attractive, which is not surprising since southern women only come in two varieties: women who love pastries or women who look like porn stars/beauty queens) to then rank threesomes. And they were the opening band for a one hit wonder a few years removed from their one hit. Meanwhile in Ferguson land, the closest I ever got to sex for fame was when a buddy of mine told a girl that I had been on TV in a bar, asked her if she wanted to see the set and then got a blow job from her in his apartment.
In all fairness I was engaged when I did Ferguson. I remember after I did Ferguson I got several MySpace friend requests and comments (see how long ago it was) and one was from a woman who said “When will you be back in LA?” because Ferguson is filmed in LA and this woman had no reason to believe that I was a lawyer and not a full time comic at the time. My significant other at the time told me she found the comment overly suggestive (especially when she read it back to me over the phone in a 1-900 sex hotline voice). I replied – “I think she was just a fan – I have never met this person.” She responded: “You don’t have fans.”
And of course I got a great response from a then-up and coming comedian who is now pretty well-established who decided to sh*t on me (behind my back of course, but overheard by a friend) about me getting Ferguson (“who watches that anyway?” I believe was the mocking statement he made). Of course his success as a comedian should dispel any notion of karma.
So that was basically what I gained from a Ferguson appearance – a blow job for a friend, an insult from a comedian and a piece of humble pie intended to choke me to death.
If this were music I could look forward to that retro-comeback reality show bullsh*t world that exists for them, but no one is wondering, whatever happened to that guy from that one appearance on Ferguson? And of course without management that is most likely the outcome for me.
I do have something to do with my one-hit wonder status (here is the cautionary tale part for all you newbies or people starting to get some heat). After getting Ferguson and another regional tv spot (both of which I did well on), my manager parted company with the management agency (a big outfit well known in comedy). Being new and nervous I decided to stick with the management company and learned too late that it had been the individual manager who had pushed for me, not the company. So like Don Corleone after the strangling of Luca Brasi, I was left unprotected. Without him I was worthless to them. So after one mediocre showcase and one admittedly awful NACA audition (but I did not think that eating it in front of a few hundred college students from Montana could derail a budding career) I heard nothing for about 6 months (every 4th e-mail I would get a useless response from the person who I had been assigned to). They then told me at the end of a fruitless six months that I should seek representation elsewhere. I don’t know how I would have had the foresight to make the right decision there, but obviously I will be more careful in the future.
That is it folks, in those few easy steps you too can become a one-hit wonder in comedy.
So this Fall I will be making a big attempt at getting management again. Some people may say that management is not necessary, but those people are often those who got a head start thanks to management or are just full of sh*t. For example of the “New Faces” at Montreal, only two of the comedians were without representation. They are the gate keepers to a lot of this industry. Whether you like me, love me or hate me, I am objectively a much better comedian than I was 4 years ago. Significantly better. So it should stand that having been on television already and having had a very good set, it should not be that hard to get back on, right? All I can say to that is I will not be looking for the television cameras at Wisecrackers Comedy Club in Scranton this weekend where I will be performing.
This may sound bitter and it some ways it is. But I am happy with some areas of improvement – I am a better comedian and I have gotten more gigs each year than the year before for four straight years. I really want to get more TV credits to just increase the bookings I get because the life of the up and coming feature is not economically sustainable and not mentally healthy. So hopefully efforts I make this Fall will pan out, but if they don’t my experience is still no less instructive to up and coming comedians.
Now let’s crank up some Hinder!
As much of a movie addict as I am this weekend presented a rarity, especially for the Summer – there is nothing I want to see in theaters. I saw two movies last weekend (Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Crazy Stupid Love – both fantastic so if you have not seen them you have your assignment) and it has left me with nothing this week. Here are a couple of the options that I am rejecting:
The Change Up – between horrible reviews, horrible box office results, Jason Bateman’s tongue-in-cheek endorsement of the movie last week on The Daily Show and the fact that Ryan Reynolds is movie poison I cannot subject myself to it.
30 Minutes Or Less – I will not see this movie for one major reason: I am tired of Danny McBride diluting the Kenny Powers brand. For those of you that don’t know one of my favorite shows on television is Eastbound and Down, which is Danny McBride’s comedic vehicle about a racist, arrogant down-on-his luck baseball pitcher. He is great on it and the show is great (season 2 was an A-, but season 1 was an A+). However, Danny McBride is starring and co-starring in a lot of mediocre movies as basically a derivation of Kenny Powers, which is annoying because as new people gravitate to the show they may be inclined to say “Oh, he is just doing his shtick from (insert title of 8 different movies).” So I cannot support Mr. McBride’s movie career as long as it can potentially harm the Kenny Powers brand.
The Help – Never had an interest in this one (part 80 in Hollywood’s series of one singular, great white person helping black people do good things) even though the reviews seem to have been pretty good. If you want my fuller take on this please check out my video below from a little while back – a trailer for The Blind Side 2:
So I will save my money and my time this weekend.
I am in DC currently providing babysitting services for my two nephews so I have not had many funny or angry things to report on. I return to NYC tomorrow to celebrate my Dad’s 80th birthday (Black Gandalf), so I am sure I will get my writing mojo back soon. But in the spirit of both Crazy Stupid Love and Rise of the Planet of the Apes, both of which I saw last weekend, I am providing my own contribution to excellent entertainment.
Here is the behind the scenes look at FX’ new show: Tough White Guys Who Say S**t A Lot. If you are a fan of any shows on the FX network I think you will see that we are very true to their brand. Enjoy:
It has been a long Summer with many terrible movies, some good, but no great ones. Until now. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is absolutely fantastic. And for any readers of this blog who are Tea Party members, no this is not a documentary about the 2008 Presidential Election. And please stop visiting my website.
I will start with the one negative and that is in casting. Everyone is good that is in the movie, but there were some missed opportunities. Ron Perlman of Sons of Anarchy and Patrick Ewing, former NBA star, could have both been in the movie (perhaps in the next Ape movie about a white-black buddy cop film about ape cops). But other than that there is really nothing bad to say about the film.
I don’t want to spoil anything in the movie, but it has a great pacing, the CGI work is incredible and the emotional work with the Apes, who are all CGI, is off the charts great. The plot is great and the movie moves along with an entertaining confidence. What I mean by that is the last 45 minutes of the movie are incredibly exciting and action packed, but the filmmakers and writers were not in any hurry to get there because they were doing such a good job establishing the story. It is two hours of steady and entertaining build up to an incredibly entertaining finish.
I will keep this review short because there is not much funny to say about it because it is so good.
Final Grade – A
1) Helping Somalian Children
I am fascinated by a few stories (or in some cases non-stories) in America today. One is our non-involvement in Somalia. We are all scarred by Black Hawk Down, both the actual incident in 1993 and the disappointing film by Ridley Scott. But every day the news and the newspapers report the fact that around 500,000 children are close to starvation in Somalia. The options for the innocent in Somalia are go to a Taliban-style Muslim section where freedom is non-existent, or live in a war zone. Now that would seem to be all the things “real” Americans care about – there are children at stake. After all, the Super Bowl was never the same after “the children” saw Janet Jackson’s nipple, so naturally if half a million kids are dying we should surely care. Plus, it is a chance to take on the scourge of radical Islam, which has provided a nice replacement for the Red Scare in post Cold War era (admittedly real in many cases, but used as a boogyman in others). But we can do nothing? It is the world’s worst humanitarian crisis. I was all for fighting in Afghanistan, but once again this is related to the decision to fight in Iraq. All the money and international good will it cost us is still relevant even though people have “It’s Bush’s fault” fatigue. Who gives a sh*t if you are tired of hearing that – it doesn’t make it any less true! And why is it so hard for so many “real Americans” to wrap their heads around the idea that sometimes a problem that took between 7 and 30 years to develop (our Frankenstein-esque de-regulated capitalism), might take more than 2 1/2 years to solve? As a country we are just seeing the tip of the iceberg of how warped a spoiled nation, with increasing ADD and an overflow of information sources, both credible and absurd, can become.
2) Building A National High Speed Rail System
This could be the stimulus the country needs. A WWII level stimulus project that employs people in 48 states, uses real American labor and builds something that doesn’t involve a dot-com, but rather a tangible product to be used by Americans. It could help reduce the use of oil as a nice bonus. And it would be a long-term project, not some 12 month replacement of a small bridge (I am talking to you Cleveland). These are all the advantages I see for building a high speed national rail system. Admittedly, I have only been to two foreign countries (and neither is Canada or Mexico), but my more well-traveled friends tell me that in developed nations in Europe and Asia the rail systems put ours to shame. So if we pride ourselves as a nation as being number one (even if only in our own minds) why do we have such a substandard rail system.
I am a huge fan of rail travel and have travelled most of this country by Amtrak. Imagine how many more people would if they tripled or quadrupled the speed of it. Instead of 21 hours to Chicago from New York it was 6 or 7. Instead of 17 hours to Atlanta, it was 5? All presumably built with some form of updated green technology. Why can’t Amtrak be this decade’s Man on the Moon? Well, of course there are several reasons. One is the oil lobby. Another is the aviation lobby. Another is we have been conditioned to see the rail as some sort of purgatory between the Heaven of aviation and the Hell of Greyhound. But how could America not take a renewed pride in the rail system if it was a massive and beneficial national project? Well, of course that probably sounds like socialism so I guess if we got beyond negative perceptions of Amtrak and intense lobbying we would still have to compete with American stupidity.
3) Use a Dictionary and an Encyclopedia
With the Internet providing any “fact” that anyone wants to support their pre-existing belief I think we need to get back to agreement that words and facts exist and are sometimes not up for interpretation. A standard Merriam-Webster dictionary and an Encyclopedia Britannica should do (if we can agree that those are not tools of the radical left or right). These texts used to provide a basic presentation of facts that we could all agree with if we bothered to read them. I would not go as far as to suggest that the New York Times, which until the advent of Fox News Propaganda (which it is – brought to “real Americans” by an Australian with a pro-business agenda), was known as the public record because of its thorough and excellent worldwide reporting, could possibly be this in our current society.
I have a selfish reason for suggesting this. Yesterday I made the mistake of getting into a Facebook discussion with a conservative on his Facebook page. His ignorant cabal of friends then proceeded to jump on me with the usual Tea Party rhetoric that is more faith-based than historically based (random assertions of “The Constitution says” as if there are not actual words that can be verified). Here are some of the highlights that I think an Encyclopedia and a dictionary would have helped:
So in sum, my platform is simple:
20 years ago this would have seemed sensible. Today it seems too ambitious. Sadly in another 20 years it may seem like a fantasy.