Steroids in Baseball! What about Steroids in Rap?

Quick update on my CD sales. I am already 999,983 from going platinum. Let’s make it happen people.

I am a big sports fan. But I am tired of the discussion of steroids. Just go read Game of Shadows and you will see that half of professional sports is on some sort of undetectable steroid (track and field is probably the only sport dirtier than baseball, which is a pity because no one even gives a shit about track and even fewer care about field).

And I hate it when people make it like the hatred of Barry Bonds is about race. The hatred of Hank Aaron was all about race. Of all people I am privy to still existent racism (track 20 of Racial Chameleon), but to suggest that people are mad at Barry Bonds for anything other than his new bobble head and the fact that he is a royal prick (he dumped his white girlfriend of several years because he needed to marry a black woman for his image (he said it, not me) – who’s racist?). Until recently, no one gave Mark McGwire or Sammy Sosa any gruff because they made it fun. They demonstrated that steroids can bring out the best in us. They were like the steroid super heroes. While the same vat of radioactive steroids also affected bad people, like Barry Bonds and he became a steroid super villain, with guys like Jason Giambi being the guys who can’t decide what side of the steroid war they want to be on, like Pyro in X-Men 2. Meanwhile Jose Canseco showed that steroids can destroy weights and the English language in his crapoir “Juiced.”

But after all of this I am tired of the discussion. Barry Bonds is a great player. He is also a piece of crap. And he is a lot better because of steroids. But no one is talking about steroids in another field of American culture. Rap or Hip-Hop. All the artists who got physically huge saw gains in their careers, but also different types of injuries to their careers (just like ahtletes who do steroids). Here is the evidence:

LL Cool J started it (maybe he is the Jose Canseco of rap – “I never injected 50 Cent personally, but I know he was interested.”) He has always been a weight room guy, but in the last 3 years he became NFL size with bodybuilder cuts. And his music is not as good now.

Then came Treach from Naughty by Nature. He was intimidating and made it on to this Season of the Sopranos (benefits of steroids), but he also banged Peppa of Salt N Peppa, and that is his injury. And Naughty by Nature is nowhere to be found.

Then came the McGwire of rap – 50 Cent. This guy has bigger breasts than half of Playboy. But it did get him In da Club. Perhaps his album “Get Rich or Die Tryin'” really means “I don’t care if these ‘roids give me a heart attack, I need to get paid.” Like McGwire’s andro, 50 Cent’s gunplay is just a cover for his steroid use. However, since becoming a gigantic rapper he has suffered numerous injuries. His film was an insult to the memory of Mariah Carey’s Glitter. And if anyone saw the video “Candy Shop” I think we can see that 50 Cent’s C-Cups may need some support in the near future.

And then came Ja Rule, who like an undersized second basemen named Brett Boone, decided he wanted to get big and paid. And he did, but he still sounds like Scooby Doo going through puberty. And every movie he is in sucks (Scary Movie 3, The Fast and The Furious, Assault on Precinct 13)

(Side note – the 3rd installment of the Fast and the Furoius is coming out this summer. Note to movie audiences – if VIn Diesel decides that a movie series is not worth it (for the second installment) it probably sucks. If Paul Walker decides not to make a movie it probably means the world will end when people pay money to see it. That said The 3rd one stars megastar Bow Wow)

And now we come to Busta Rhymes – the new test case for steroids in rap. I enjoy most of Busta’s music. It is varied and most of it is pretty good. He has also been in at least one decent movie, Finding Forrester (“YOU’RE THE MAN NOW DAAAAAAAAAG”). But now he has gone from a Rasheed Wallace-lanky-type build to looking like Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens. Immediately the impact was felt on his career. His bouncer was shot and he refuesd to cooperate with the authorities. Now he has a new album coming out. If history is any indicator Busta could be in trouble.

I personally have done the opposite with my album coming out. I have made a concerted effort to get in progressively worse shape, you know, so my work doesn’t suffer.

RACIAL CHAMELEON

An unbiased review of my debut CD, by Me

Well, the day has arrived. My debut cd is ready for shipping and sale and to assist you in your decision to purchase it I offer the following review by me.

The buzz started early for this 71 minute comedic masterpiece. These were two of the reviews for the live performance:

“It’s hard to be funny for an hour.” – My Uncle

“You didn’t suck.” – friend from law school.

The CD starts with hilarious observations of my family and then moves into lampooning my Catholic faith. (Family and Religion – I am amazed no comic has yet tried to tackle these sources of humor).

Topics that resonate well with the crowd on the cd and are sure to have dozens of people laughing at their cd palyers include Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Pope, Holiday stereotypes, and the always hilarious prison rape. The true highlight of the cd is probably my insightful commentary on what dating a woman with a kid is like. I am already on ACS’ 10 most wanted if I ever become a parent.

Overall I think the CD is a masterstroke of comedy. I take the crowd on a journey of impressions (George Bush, Arnold S, Aaron Neville, Owen Wilson, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jack Bauer, Nicholas Cage) and insensitive comments that will surely have my friends, family and the occasional accidental visitor to my wrebsite rolling with laughter.

However, some comedy fact checkers may take issue with some liberties I take in my routine and I will let the truth be known now.

POINT 1 – Gary Glitter is not American and therefore cannot technically outsource his pedophilia to Southeast Asia. However, his tour de force Rock N Roll Pt 2 is an American sports institution and by that he is like an American. Also, he was not having sex with 11 year old boys as I say on the cd. It was 11 year old girls. I hope that I did not portray him in an unfair light with my misleading facts.

POINT 2 – Jean Claude Van Damme in the film Nowhere to Run was seen naked by a 6 year old girl, but he was not toweling off as I indicate on the cd. He was just standing there. What an actor.

Point 3 – I have been asked by a fan if I would be doing a signing at Virgin Megastore in Times Square. I will not be, but I will be intimidating midwestern families who venture by Vigin Megastore into buying several copies of my cd.

So go to the store and enjoy what J-L Calls “a masterpiece” of comedy.

In all seriousness, it is a good cd and I hope you enjoy it. Thanks

The Scariest Movie Ever

Move over Exorcist

For my entire life there have been very few 100% undeniable truths. But one of them has always been that The Exorcist is the scariest movie ever made. However, I must now call that into question with my viewing yesterday (in keeping with our tradition of honoring dead soldiers by watching movies) of An Inconvenient Truth, starring Al Gore.

Before getting into what frightened me, I must say that everyone should see this movie, if for no other reason than to observe that Al Gore is the greatest user of Power Point presentation in history.

The movie itself is basically a 90 minute lecture by Al Gore, with lots of graphics and video demonstrating that we humans, are destroying Earth and Americans are the biggest culprits. If we do not stop global warming, there are going to be some major problems. Among the places that will most likely be flooded in 50-70 years is lower Manhattan, which will probably be attributed to Saddam Hussein. When leaving the theater I heard a 20-something male say to a friend, “Man, when I saw Manhattan flooded that freaked me out.” The intersting thing here was that among the things shown to be flooded before lower Manhattan were the state of Florida (which probably made Gore a little bit happy) and the country of the Netherlands. This illustrates one of Al Gore’s points. Even when there is massive catastrophe, no one is shocked until they realize that their favorite Starbucks is underwater as well.

While watching the movie I could hear the Ghostbusters: “Seas boiling, dead rising from the graves. Cats and Dogs living together – MASS HYSTERIA!” It is a really intense movie and as Gore’s (apt name to star in the scariest movie) old book title indicates Earth really is in the balance. I personally think he should run again for President. And I want Jeb Bush to run for the Republicans. It would be like Drago’s brother coming out of nowhere to challenge Rocky in Rocky 13.

So I guess the point of this is that you should see this movie if you give a shit about anything besides yourself and your immediate circle. And then rent The Exorcist and tell me which you thought was scarier.

Memorial Day Musings

I woke up this beautiful Memorial Day and immediately turned on VH-1 to see if they were playing Shakira’s “My Hips Don’t Lie.” This is the best video on tv right now because although her hips don’t lie, Shakira’s hips do just about everything else humanly possible. And it features Wyclef Jean, which makes my Haitian-half proud to see him getting some work again.

But before Shakira’s truth-telling hips I saw a tragic music video. It was Mary J. Blige re-making U2’s “One,” with U2 playing background. Now I respect Mary J. Blige as an artist. After all she is the Queen of Hip Hop Soul, a genre that contains 1 artist, Mary J. Blige. And she did give us the words “hateration” and “danceree.” But her version of “One” is just bad. “One” is such a great song and hearing her do a Taylor Hicks to it is painful. I think U2 probably allowed her to do it, knowing that it would not be as good and that no one would dare re-make their songs again.

I think I worry about this because my greatest fear is that some group is going to come along and remake a Guns N’ Roses song, which will mark the end of mankind. But re-making U2 is pretty close. And the song is only 15 years old. Shouldn’t we wait a little bit longer? If the majority of your fans know the original, they will not choose your version Ms. J. Blige. So stop.

But this weekend made me reflect on something else. X-Men 3 opened this weekend for that coveted “Memorial Day weekend” movie spot. Yet another holiday that we seem to have lost sight of. How did honoring the sacrifice of troops become Movie Weekend? Well as long as your car has loads of symbolic ribbons in the Mall parking lot, I guess it’s ok. I am not judging or trying to be Mr. Patriot, but I am truly curious how this happened. Was it like 30 years ago after Vietnam and some family went to see Jaws or something like that and little Johnny said, “Mom, why are we going to see a movie today.” And Mom said, “Because Daddy and Grandpa would have wanted us to. Now do you want Junior Mints with your popcorn?” And a tradition was born.

CD – TOMORROW – BUY, LISTEN, ENJOY

HBO

The beginning of the end?

Not so long ago Sundays belonged to HBO. Between The Sopranos (seasons 1-5), Sex and the City (which paved the way for other “empowered” qwhoretets like Desperate Housewives, which I maintain is why terrorists hate us for our freedom), Entourage, The Wire, Rome, Deadwood, etc. HBO was so dominant that even Arliss, the worst show ever made, lasted around 5 seasons. But now 2006 may mark the end of HBO’s dominance.

The Sopranos has failed to beat the Houswives like Bada Bing strippers (“First of all Tony, she was a who-uhre” – Season 3 – Ralphie if you don’t know). And the Sopranos has sucked this year. Did David Chase get fooled by Brokeback Mountain into thinking that the driving plot of the season should be how mobsters deal with homosexuals? And, unlike many of my friends, I enjoyed the Tony in a coma part, but with an understanding that the season would go somewhere. Awful work by the Sopranos. This season was the Artie Buco of the 6 seasons, an annoying waste of time. And to make us wait 2 years for it is criminal.

That brings us to Deadwood – HBO’s second best show (now that the Sopranos is languishing in the Carnivale territory). HBO recently announced that Deadwood may be ending after this season. Just when you thought cunt and cocksucker finally found a home in mainstream America, there they go taking it away. Ian McShane is tremendous as Al Swearenjen, funny, vicious and the best voice on tv (Hugo Weaving – best voice in movies – Agent Smith, Elrond). Furthermore, great supporting cast, led by Timothy Olyphant, who plays Seth Bullock, or as I like to think of him – Michael Biehn, if Michael Biehn could act (The Abyss, The Rock, Terminator 1-his only good performance). It would be a huge mistake to cancel Deadwood.

That takes us to The Wire, simply the best show on tv. I have nothing really to say about it. They gave The Wire a Season 4 (fall ’06) as a gift for its quality, but Season 4 stands a very good chance of being the last. That would mean that 2006 would be the death of The Sopranos (8 episodes in Jan/Feb ’07 notwithstanding because it may have killed itself with the past 11 weeks), Deadwood and The Wire. That would be like telling Disney that it had to destroy the prints of The Lion King, Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast. Horrible indeed.

That leaves HBO with Rome, Big Love, Entoruage and Dane Cook’s Tourgasm. HBO I appreciate the effort with Tourgasm, but it may be overkill putting a show about 4 comedy buddies touring the country having fun, getting chicks, being famous right after Entoruage, a show about 4 acting buddies touring the country having fun, getting chicks, being famous. We get it, being young and famous is cool. But needless to say I will be watching both, but under my alternative title of “The Jeremy Piven/Gary Gulman Comedy Hour.”

Rome was an excellent addition to HBO (coming back in ’07), and the world of full frontal male and female nudity on primetime tv (think Real Sex with british accents and blood), but with the death of Julius Caesar, the show could go good or bad from here.

Big Love. Have not watched it yet, but the ads intrigued me a negative amount. At best it could be a Six Feet Under, a decent show that I don’t watch.

It just hurts to see a network that has been far and away the best on tv losing a substantial amnount of quality and wathcing shows like “Lost” and “Desperate Housewives” and “CSI” dominate the ratings. I used to be able to say, “Ha you stupid people who watch only network crap.” Or, “Ha, you poor people who cannot afford HBO.” Now, if HBO keeps it up, the networks will be better.

So HBO – keep The Wire and Deadwood for ’07/’08. let the Sopranos die with dignity, not with a pool cue up its ass. And if you have to, bring back Sex and the City, so women will know that if you want to be insecure whores with shitty dialogue you don’t do it in the suburbs. You do it in the city.

2 Movie Weekend

protests and popcorn

So this weekend I saw two films. On Friday evening I saw Poseiden on the IMAX and then I saw DaVinci Code on Saturday.

POSEIDON

Where to begin with this film. The effects are good, but not great. It helped seeing it on the IMAX, but that just made the dialogue enormously bad. And when a filmaker wants to cast Josh Lucas, they should not use his name, but rather, they should be required to label him, “We Wanted Matthew McConoughy But He Was Doing Another Shitty Romantic Comedy.”

Secondly, for me, whenever I see Kurt Russel I think that some studio needs to cast him and Dennis Quaid in a film called “Rugged White Men Who Almost Became A-List Actors.”

Thirdly, Kevin Dillon cannot act, unless he is Johnny Drama on Entourage. I love his character on Entourage, but his brief performance in Poseidon is one of the worst performances in film history, along with the kid in Over the Top and Sofia Coppola in Godfather III.

Lastly, in Poseidon approximately 6 of 2000 people on the boat survive the disaster (sorry to spoil it, but when a movie is not good I do not feel bad about spoiling). The worst part is you end the movie wishing the other 6 had died.

Grade – C-

THE DAVINCI CODE

I arrived at the theater to protests. Some had funny signs:

“Dan Brown sold out for 30 silver pieces”

“Only Catholics go to Heaven”

I told them that I did not know Over the Hedge was such a controversial film, but I am Catholic so no harm, no foul.

The movie was interesting and aroused deep concerns for me. It raised a fundamental question about a very large, powerful group in this country. The book and movie claim that Mary Magdelene, known as the Bible’s official prostitute, had a kid with Jesus. And they were married.

Where has the outcry been from the Hip Hop community?

A popular mantra of hip hop has always been “You can’t make a ho a housewife.” And here comes Dan Brown claiming that the most famous Ho in history was a housewife. Think about the turmoil the platinum-and-diamond crucifix industry will go through with this news.

Just imagine an industry built upon the degredation of women as a foundational element of its success learning now that one of its cornerstones was baking bread and having a kid! Videos like Big Pimpin; will have no more meaning. All those bikini clad women will have to be re-cast in tasteful clothing doing chores and balancing check books. Album sales would plummet. White suburban kids would have no idea who to imitate.

The movie was pretty good (B+), but like Michael Moore films and Fox News, the people worldwide are basically just flocking to a fictional film (second biggest opening world wide) to seek a factual basis to their support their faith that faith is not real. I would never do that.

Now I have to get back to watching Passion of the Christ.

DaVinci Code: Calm Down

Before I start two important news items:

-Racial Chameleon will be ready to ship in less than 2 weeks. Go to the store to pre-order.

-The long-awaited Gulman-Cauvin photos are up in the media-photos and the blog-photos section

Now on to what promises to be one of the biggest movies of the summer. The DaVinci Code is opening today and I couldn’t be more luke-warm excited. I thought the book was good, but like Harry Potter I simply read it because I did not want to be behind on a major pop culture phenomenon, in case there were jokes to tell. It was a decent book, but I have some major problems with both sides (my Catholic homies and my secular homies):

First for the Catholics:

-It is just a book.

-Some of those Opus Dei dudes are kind of crazy – see e.g. Robert Novack, formerly of CNN’s crossfire and full time angry penguin-looking fellow.

-If you can praise the Passion of the Christ (which I did) then you can’t hammer a book/movie that isn’t as favorable. Love thy neighbor’s movie as you love thine own. But do not covet thy neighbor’s movie, key distinction, especially if they are home movies meant only for persoanl viewing.

-Tom Hanks’ hair will guarantee less box office power

-Unnecessary and exagerrated measures (hunger strikes, boycotts, etc.) are absurd and only galvanize the people who think you are loony to begin with (see Passion of the Christ again)

And for the anti-Bible people:

– See the irony in reading a fictional book to discredit the New Testament. Even if you are not inclined to believe much or any of the Bible, two fictions do not make a fact. Tom Cruise is married to a woman. She gave birth to a baby. It does not make him straight.

-Of course some Christians and Catholics will be upset by the story. Boycotting is unnecessary and ridiculous, but if someone believes Jesus to be the Son of God, it will be a little alarming and jarring to think that before he was crucified he had to take Jesus Jr. to a soccer game. And the mother was a prostitute. Short of Julia Roberts, no one would really be confortable with that notion. Especially becasue that means Richard Gere would be playing Jesus and that is just weird.

– No one complained when Battlefield Earth came out and questioned its authenticity. Everyone was just fine listening to John Travolta talk about giant aliens coming to Earth thousands of years ago. In all fairness though, the Scientologists are the Pittsburg Pirates of religions, whereas Christianity is the New York Yankees – everyone hates the big dog.

So as you go to see the DaVinci Code just remember, both sides, that it is just a movie and that we should be concerned about far more pressing matters. Taylor or McPhee in American Idol. Cauvin out.

GULMAN IS THE MAN

and hecklers do not stand a chance

Last night I went to Gotham Comedy Club in NYC to see Gary Gulman. Just to prove to how popular he is, my blog last blog which compared yours truly and the Gulman was tied for the most commented blog I have so far written (3 comments, tying my Reggaeton-bashing blog – meaning that my fans like tall comics and hate Reggaeton). Also that blog earned an e-mail of praise from none other than Gary Gulman. Cool, but back to the story.

The show began simply enough with some gin, tonic and good comedy, especially comedian Buddy Bolton (who, when a female patron left to go to the bathroom, grabbed her camera and placed it down his pants and took a photo). And then it was Gulman time.

He took the stage and began to go into one of his signature bits on The Pill, when some people, who apparently came to Gotham to hear themselves tell Gary Gulman jokes, started shouting out bad alternative punchlines to Gulman’s good jokes. What Gary did for several minutes is nicely make fun of the ideas these people had so that the crowd could still enjoy the show even though these people were fucking it up. So everyone continued to enjoy the show even though there were some speed bumps early. At one point Gary said “I have told this story 500 times and this has never happened.” Comedian for: “As comedy audience members go, you hecklers are historic pieces of dung.”)

Personally I have not mastered this skill that Gary flaunts so effortlessly because when someone messes with me on stage I calmly say “FUCK OFF!!” and then stage dive on them Axl Rose-style. I need to work on that.

So the show went on nicely and the hecklers realized that they sucked and no one wanted to listen to them. So Gulman continued his routine and my girlfriend leaned over to me and said “He’s good looking.” After I slapped her for being insolent I realized my girlfriend likes tall, good looking, funny men. Phew – I have at least 2 of those, if not 3. But what if she decides one day to come at with me, “No, I said tall, good looking, funny AND successful.” That might have been her last Gary Gulman show for a while.

So the show ended and we got to meet the Gulman, who actually spotted me, probably by the fact that everyone in the Club was 5’8″ and shorter and like two Trees in The Lord of The Rings with hobbits all around us we could easily spot each other. He pointed to me and said “J-L” and I said “Yes.” Some key points from our brief encounter:

-When I shook his hand we did not explode, proving that we are in fact not the same person at different stages of our comedic lives, a la Timecop and that when I cut my face a scar did not appear on Gulman’s face. Apparently my last blog was just a collection of coincidences and nothing more.

-Gulman is really cool. He told me he liked my blog and I told him that another comic had just called them digusting and self-indulgent. Gulman replied – well they are, but I stil like yours.

– Gulman said he would listen to my cd when I have a copy sent to him. And that he would tell me what went wrong and what I should re-record. Laugh at me or with me on this one.

– He was nice enough to take photos with me and with my girlfriend (for scale – but when the photos get posted in the media and “blog photos” section – notice where she chose to stand).

-He also told me that my career looked like it was on its way. I told him, “thanks, so does yours.” He chuckled, which tells me in a room full of Gulmans my material would kill.

-He did not accept my challenge for a Walk-Off.

So I say thank you Gary Gulman – great show – cool dude.

To everyone else, buy my f—ing CD. Please.

GULMAN vs. CAUVIN

Meeting My Comedic Role Model

In less than one week I will be venturing to Gotham Comedy Club in NYC to see Comedian Gary Gulman. If you have looked at my links page you will see that he is the first comic listed under my “favorite comics.” I suggest that you check out his site and buy his cd. It is hilarious. But enough free advertising.

Other than his comedic genius I think the real reason I appreciate Gary Gulman is beacuse there are many startling similarities between our lives (and last names – 6 letters each). You be the judge (side note – all info listed for Gary Gulman is from his cd and myspace page and in no way reflects a White Goodman-esque use of the Freedom of Information Act – “finally the hippies got something right”):

HEIGHT

GG – 6’6″

JLC – 6’7″ (+1 for me)

HOMETOWN

GG – Boston

JLC – NYC (+1 me)

COLLEGE

GG – Boston College

JLC – Williams College (According to US News and World Report +1 me, but both located in Mass.)

COLLEGE SPORT

GG – Football

JLC – Basketball (D1 football = +3 for Gulman, benchwarmer in DIII = -1 me)

LIVED AT HOME UNTIL…

GG – 26

JLC – 27 and counting (+1 Gulman, although struggle and sadness is supposed to enhance a comedy career so this may end up proving huge for me, plus I have grad school loans)

GRAD SCHOOL

GG – Last Comic Standing

JLC – Georgetown law (-1 me)

MY SPACE FRIENDS

GG – 2000+

JLC – 91 (let’s just call this one +1 for GG)

DAY JOB

GG – former accountant

JLC – lawyer (draw)

HBO SPECIAL

GG – Tourgasm w/ Dane Cook

JLC – Prema-Tour Ejaculation (GG +1)

OLDER SYBLING MAKING MORE MONEY

GG – yes (as of cd)

JLC – doubled up by older brother (draw)

WEB DESIGNER

GG – Worthy Concepts Inc.

JLC – Worthy Concepts Inc. (imitation is the sincerest form of flattery – draw, +1 Steve Axworthy)

So right now it appears that Gulman is kicking my ass like Bill Romanowski (steroided ex-BC football player). Even worse is that when I see Gulman in 6 days I will not yet have my cd (it will not be available until the end of the month). The reason that this is bad is becasue I wanted to do my own version of Hustle and Flow. Allow me to explain:

In the movie Hustle and Flow a pimp (Terrance Howard) learns that a hometown hustler turned platinum rapper (Ludacris) is coming back to town for a show. He decides to work on his demo to get it to Ludacris. He gets it to Ludacris and thinks that he has made a connection, only to find out that Ludacris threw it in the toilet in the bathroom. In response, Terrance Howard shoots Ludacris, goes to jail, but has one of his “bitches” bring the tape to radio station and Howard’s “Whoop that trick” becomes a radio hit.

Now I am aware that I do not have a gun, hustling abilities or whores, so I was just hoping to deliver my cd to Gulman and mumble “let me know what you think please.” But I won’t have the cd yet so I will have to just say, “Funny stuff man.” And then I will try to awkwardly explain one of my jokes to him and why it is awesome and he will politely laugh and say “that could be funny, but right now some chick wants me to sign her cleavage.” And then I will ask my girlfriend what the f–k is she doing? +1 Gulman

WEIRD SCIENCE

Fe = irony

According to the NY Daily News, there are 11 middle schools in NYC with the word “science” in their official title. At 6 of these 11 schools, a majority of the eighth grade students failed the State Science Exam last year. NYC has been pumping out lots of ads for Science and math teachers. Unforunately, they have not been advertising enough for science and math students. Interestingly enough, these statistics do once and for all disprove the theory of intelligent design.

Leading the way was my hometown borough, the Bronx, where at the “Math, Science and Technology Through the Arts Intermediate School” 13% of eight graders passed the exam. Perhaps instead of teaching science “through the arts” they should try teaching students “through the science” or change their names to “Burger, Fries, Large Coke Through Inattendance Intermediate Babysitting.”

As a side note, before getting back to science, The article also cited the “Bronx Writing Academy,” where over 80% of eighth graders failed the English exam. When asked to comment the school’s principal said, “The tests results is wrong.” Through an interpreter. I have since learned that they have re-named the school the “Derek Zoolander School For Kids Who Can’t Read Good.”

At the Academy of Environmental Sciences, 15% passed. When asked whether he thought global warming was real or required more study, the school’s principal replied, “Never heard of it.” Then he was appointed head of the EPA.

Through student interviews I have discovered the causes for these declining test scores. Here they are in the students own words:

“I’m in the middle of a Madden Franchise on PS2,”

“The school still does not provide the eighth graders with day care facilities,”

“if I already made it to eighth grade without studying or going to class, why starts now?”

“F–k that S–t”

I think what we are losing sight of is that 8th grade science is not rocket science. In fact it is not even biology. In most places it is Earth Science. Rocks. The kids of NYC are failing rocks! The phrase “dumb as rocks” has now been replaced with “you’re as dumb as a kid who failed rocks.”

One person in the article did offer a legit response. She said that you cannot judge a kid’s ability on one test. Many of the kids at her school have trouble reading and doing math. That is an excellent point Principal. So, how did he or she get to the 8th grade in the first place? I remember making fun of kids who had trouble reading. It was not nice of me. I was also in the 1st grade. In 8th grade if you cannot read, you either require braile or should not be in the 8th grade.

Next week the city will be releasing the foreign language results. I received early results and only 33% passed. In all fairness English is very difficult.