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So the last time I had a roommate (not a roommate in the Manhattan sense that you are actually apartment mates, but literally sharing a room with someone) was sophomore year of college.  Overall, having a roommate was relatively pleasant despite having had my laundry urinated on in a drunken episode.  (epilogue – my sophomore year roommate is now a Medical Doctor, which is actually a great ad for Williams College – See, at Williams College even people who appear to be potential fu*k-ups end up quite successful).

Well a 12 year streak came to an end last night at the Hartford Funny Bone comedian condo last night.

When Matt, the Funny Bone driver and doorman picked me up at the Amtrak station we had the following conversation:

J-L: Is the headliner staying in a hotel?

Matt: Nope he’s in the condo and you might have a roommate.

J-L: Where is the emcee from?

Matt: Florida

J-L: So when you said roommate you meant as in a guy in the bed 3 feet next to my bed.

Matt: haha Yes.

J-L: And since he is coming from Florida when you said “might” you meant “definitely”

Matt: haha Yes.

So the bad news was that I had a guy with a mustache sleeping 3 feet from me, but the good news is that the headliner Dean Napolitano and emcee Nick Cantone are both cool dudes and it turns out that the week should be pretty fun.  We also  have all swapped ex-girlfriend stories and I won by a landslide so I felt simultaneously like a winner and a huge loser.  I am hoping that Nick hooks up with a girl in the room though because I have always wanted to be a Jersey Shore/Real World person who is peeking out of their covers laughing while the person in the bed next to them has sex.  Hopefully that can get crossed off the bucket list.

The condo is both full of amenities and a semi-dump.  it has a laundry room, full kitchen, clean bathrooms, and also a 32″ flat screen tv.  But at the same time the 32″ tv is on top of a broken “60 tv and the furniture, carpet and comforters probably have the same amount of biological material as a bedspread in a hotel with hourly rates.

Last night’s show was fun, but I definitely delivered a B-.  For the first time I can remember the crowd was actually more generous than I deserved (usually they are right on or stupid).  I was trying to integrate about 6 newer minutes in my set, but I ended up meandering more than I wanted to.  Tonight will be good.  Hopefully a new video or two to my website and YouTube page from this weekend.  You’re welcome in advance.

The great film Inside Job, which was my #1 movie of 2010 has a peculiar ending.  After about 90 minutes the movie asks people to keep fighting and that things can change.  Perhaps the director is an optimist or perhaps he just thought no one would want to see it if it was 100% gloom and doom.  Well, it is less than a week into 2011 and just today there are four articles in the New York Times that have me incredibly depressed (admittedly I have not finished reading the paper today):

Pomp & Little Circumstance

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/05/opinion/05wed1.html?_r=1&hp

John Boehner and the Tea Party are a fu*king joke.  I cannot pussyfoot this point.  The Tea Party give Republicans populist street cred while the Republicans are the tit to American business’ greedy baby (some Democrats may be the rattle or toy for that baby, but the Republicans are startling unified in their unyielding support for big business).  It is stupid and sickening.  And turn the page to the business section…

GOP asks Businesses Which Rules To Re-Write

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/05/business/economy/05letters.html?ref=business

So the lessons the Republicans have learned over the last 10-30 years is that there has been too little regulation of business?!  Poor business – record corporate profits last year, high unemployment of average Americans – yeah, what we need is too let corporate America be more free of regulation.

Detroit Carmakers Post Robust Sales Increases

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/05/business/05auto.html?ref=business

Now that I am done fuming at Congressional Republicans, this one is for the American people.  Congratulations Detroit auto sales are up.  I guess Americans have smartened up and are now buying fuel efficient cars and are helping power Detroit into the next century as an automotive world leader.  Oh wait no, because gas prices are no longer as high people do not give a flying fu*k about the environment or giving billions to regimes in the Middle East and are buying up trucks and SUVs at high levels again (with the exception of the Ford Fusion).  Great job America.  Just like I believe we need Congressional term limits (3 terms in the Senate, 10 terms in the House would be a good start) we need a gas tax.  The majority of people in America care about their wallet, their bank account, maybe their family and nothing else.  So it is time to speak in a language America understands.

Friends With Benefits

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/04/friends-with-benefits/?hp

Goldman Sachs.  Enough said.  Good luck non-billionaire investors.  I wonder if there any internal e-mails at Goldman calling Facebook a “piece of crap.”

Thanks for reading my blog, following my website, comedy career, etc.  Not much to write now, but if you are one of the people who happens to see this post, thanks.  But here are my resolutions for 2011:

1. Finish my book
2. Write a screenplay
3. Get a manager
4. See my ab muscles again
5. Quit comedy

See if 1 through 4 don’t happen, then I am blaming all of them on comedy and can at least accomplish one resolution.

I will be at the Hartford Funny Bone starting Thursday so please come again if you were one of the 20 Facebook friends I added my last visit there.

If there was an Oprah of bitter and tall New York City comics who are struggling just to attain the mediocre life of a working comedian, then it probably would not be me, but I might be the Gayle King of that group.  So before embarking on 2011, here are my ten favorite things of 2010 (it should be no shock that Manny from Modern Family and PMSports.com did NOT make the list):

10.  Gilbert Arenas.  The funniest/ballsiest photo of the year (and all due respect to Louis C.K. and his legions of hip fans – this was the ballsiest thing in comedy since Stephen Colbert’s address at the White House Press Corps dinner) was snapped in the first week of January and belongs to the former Washington Wizards guard.  He was facing federal gun charges and a suspension from the NBA, but that did not stop him for orchestrating a mock gunfight during player introductions.  Stupid, insensitive and hilarious.  Great way to kick off 2010

9.  My Brett Favre Wrangler Commercial.  Thanks to Comedian Nick Cobb and the rest of the cast who helped make this my most viewed clip on the web (5,000 views – not great, but I’m pleased)

After reviewing all of my posts in 2010 it certainly has been an eventful year full of ups and downs, except financially, where it has mostly been downs.  For all the fans and/or readers of www.JLCauvin.com or just looking for yet another year-in-review to read here goes.

JANUARY

• Took an 18 hour train ride to Detroit and an 18 hour bus ride back to NYC for a gig that netted me $12.  (one of the harsh lessons of 2010 was that club owners don’t give a fu*k in many cases, in developing careers for comedians or bringing in really good comedians, when they can skim a few dollars off of the top and just pay an ok local comedian).  The people of Detroit made it worth it though – they bought 22 CDs from me with all the money ($220 x2 = $440 because I gave it to a matching donor) going towards the Red Cross for earthquake relief in Haiti. 
• Saw LeBron James wearing a Cavs jersey in Cleveland in person in a basketball game.  I did not know that I would not have another opportunity to see this so I’m happy I did.

FEBRUARY

• Lost the father of a friend and a comedy fan – Mike Crotty Sr. from Belmont, MA.  Any comedian can appreciate this man when they read what I wrote.  In a business that can feel quite lonely and misguided – people of Mr. Crotty’s magnanimous spirit are worth ten thousand fans.

MARCH

• Was kicked in the face by an amateur stuntman in a College Humor Video.
• Was tripped by a woman (on purpose) after a set at Karma Lounge in NYC when she disapproved of my set
• Lost in the second round of March Comedy Madness
• Auditioned for Greg Giraldo for Last Comic Standing.  Did not get passed through.

APRIL

• Performing just outside of Baltimore for a weekend performed for a crowd that cheered (not ironically) for the Tea Party and Sarah Palin.  This became the first of many awkward moments  occurring around and below the Mason Dixon line in 2010.
• Unsuccessfully began a campaign to stop Betty White from hosting Saturday Night Live.

JUNE/JULY

• Big month of travel – great shows in Toledo, Ohio and Chicago, Ill.  Also performed to indifferent crowds in Asheville, NC and Atlanta (Atlanta was the best I did in the South in two years, but I graded out to a B at best.  If I had less optimism and more realism for the speed and intelligence of the Southern sense of humor I would have taped one joke in every club I performed at over the last two years and then stringed them all together – the four weakest reactions and slowest reactions would have come from the four southern venues I have worked).  The South will not rise again.  Sorry.
• Flew myself to the midwest on short notice (various Benjamins were spent) for an audition at a club, where if I did well I was told I could anticipate two weeks of work a year. Did 30 minutes.  Killed it.  Club told me I killed it.  Have contacted the club 8 times since then.  Have not heard back. 
• Finished second out of 72 comedians in New York’s Funniest Comedian contest (there were many, many NYers not in the contest that are very funny).  1st place won $2500.  Second place – second place in a comedy contest.

AUGUST

• opened for Patrice O’Neal in DC. I worked with several headliners this year, but none could touch what O’Neal did at the DC Improv in August.  I felt like a comedy fan for the first time in a while watching his sets.

SEPTEMBER

• A giant of comedy and my personal favorite comedian, Greg Giraldo passed away.  A terrible loss to comedy.
• Performed at a hospital for patients that did not have all of their faculties, but they still knew not to laugh at me.
• Opened for Paul Mecurio in Connecticut – meaning that the headliner and feature both had law degrees from Georgetown.  A sad day for GULC.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER

• Performed in Hoboken for a woman who wanted to fight me and another woman who criticized me for making such an obscure reference of Ben Roethlisburger.
• Got to hear a middle aged white man drop an N bomb at the bar of a Long Island club.  Then got to perform for that individual fifteen minutes later.
• Lost in contests in Indianapolis and Boston.
• Performed for 115 people in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  That was 115 people over the course of 4 shows.  At least 47 of those people laughed.

DECEMBER

• Had a brief spat with a “comedy” sports website.  I got paid my twenty dollars.
• Had great sets in Chicago and Verona, NY.  I have been paid for one of those gigs.

So it has been an eventful year, but at least one thing is already looking up in 2011 – I am going to get paid for at least one gig.

Other than my year in comedy review (will post next week), the only thing I have spent more time on is probably watching movies.  Yesterday I posted my ten worst movies of 2010, so today it is time for a rare burst of positivity from JLCauvin.com – the top ten movies of 2010. But first some honorable mention titles:

• The Town– being a mash-up of The Departed and Heat may be unoriginal, but that doesn’t stop it from being quite good
• Waiting for Superman – A touching and powerful documentary.  Would have been in the top ten if they had spent even five minutes discussing the one problem schools will not be able to stop – bad parents.  It is easy to feel bad for and touched by the children of devoted and struggling parents, but even if schools were perfect, there would be thousands of bad parents whose children would fall between the cracks.  Still a strong movie though
• Countdown to Zero– scary documentary about nuclear weapons
• Tangled – Second best animated movie of the year
• True Grit – a solid movie with A+ performances, but the movie fell short of my expectations and of the top 10
• The King’s Speech – British people during Nazi aggression – any way this doesn’t get 10 nominations.  A very good movie, but not great
• Client No. 9– works best as a companion piece for the stellar documentary Inside Job.  After watching both you will be convinced that powerful interests were at play in exposing Elliot Spitzer.  At this point, for all the good he tried to do I’d be okay with him having prostitutes in the Governor’s mansion.
• Fair Game– Sean Penn and Naomi Watts were great in this movie about Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame (though I was disappointed that Gollum from Lord of the Rings was not cast as Robert Novack).  There were some fictional add ons which degrade the movie as completely credible, but the basic story is true – Bush administration lied about yellow cake – Joe Wilson wrote about it – Bush administration exposed his wife as a covert CIA operative.  Where was the Tea Party during that?
• The Other Guys – some people may question this choice, but I did not laugh at any movie more than this one this year.

And without further adieu, here is my Top 10:

10. Green Zone

Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon teamed up before for the last two Bourne films, and Greengrass also directed one of the best movies ever made (United 93) and  this one did not disappoint.  Many people were disappointed in the lack of action throughout the movie, and the one-sided politics, but the story is clearly based on the true fact that the U.S. in its blood lust to seek justification to war with Iraq, trusted intelligence from a very untrustworthy single source.  Sometimes the truth is one-sided and Green Zone is outstanding and unapologetic.

9. Toy Story 3

The worst Toy Story movie is still excellent.  Pixar is basically assured of a spot on this list every year (though Cars 2 next year may be a push).

8. Let Me In

Normally I would be wary of a re-make of a film that just came out 2 years ago, but Let Me In, about a pre-teen vampire, is just as good as the excellent original, Let The Right One In.  And maybe liking this movie just fuels my disdain for a country that prefers poorly written and acted vampire films starring talentless turds.  Any other Twilight fans?

7. The Fighter

I have never thought Mark Wahlberg was a particularly good actor and yet, since 2006 4 of his films have made my list (if you count The Other Guys in the honorable mention – with The Departed and Invincible in 2006).  Of course, The Happening, was my worst film of 2008 so he is clearly hit and miss.  The Fighter is not Million Dollar Baby, but it is a very solid movie with no weak spots.  Christian Bale, Melissa Leo and Amy Adams are all excellent (Oscar for Bale is almost certain).  But is anyone tired of the Boston accent being so omnipresent in Hollywood now?

6. Catfish

In a year full of tremendous documentaries, this was the second best.  The Social  Network was a great movie making and very entertaining, but Catfish is so good at showing the real life implications of Facebook (what we all do, but to various, and for the most part, lesser degrees – living our lives on-line).  I cannot write too much about it because there is a twist.  And part of the twist is that it is a twist that you do not expect.  The final half hour of this movie is my favorite section of any movie this year that did not involve a van falling slow motion into a lake.

5. Carlos

The star of this film playing Carlos the Jackal, the infamous, but largely unsuccessful terrorist (I have dubbed him the Jennifer Aniston of terrorism) should definitely be nominated for best actor.  I only saw the 2 hour, 45 minute version of the movie (there was a 5+ hour version released briefly in theaters), but the movie is so epic, yet moves with a brisk pace that the best thing I can say is that I wish I could have seen the 5 hour version.

4. 127 Hours

Best actor – James Franco.  Done.  It may seem like a gimmick or a film school project to make a movie about a guy whose arm is stuck under a rock, but this is done so well and Franco is so engaging and entertaining (and the real life guy is a certified badass) that you forget how simple the movie is.  This movie could have been number one if I did not enjoy the top three so much.

3. The Social Network

I had wanted to write a pilot script about a year ago and around that time I began watching The West Wing.  8 weeks later I had made it through the entire season on DVD and was thoroughly discouraged.  Aaron Sorkin’s writing was so intimidatingly crisp and brilliant that I knew whatever I wrote would not measure up and would feel like a complete waste of time.  Well, Sorkin Wrote The Social Network and it was outstanding.  A great film with great performances (he has not gotten as much credit or hype, but I think the guy (one actor) who plays the twins should be nominated for best supporting actor.  The movie is 2 hours and it was one of the few films this year that I never checked my watch.  It just moved and flowed so well.  The only way to surpass Sorkin this year was to be even more creative or to just be a devastating true story.

2. Inception

The reason why the mere existence of movies like Twilight, the A-Team, Yogi Bear, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker films, etc.  is bearable is because there are still some big studio filmmakers like Christopher Nolan who are so inventive, creative and dedicated to make high quality work are around making films like Inception.  This move had, by far, the best sequence of any film this year.  That quadruple dream sequence with people floating and the van falling in slow motion was, for lack of a better phrase, fu*king awesome.  Great cast, great script (I look forward to the original screenplay showdown between Sorkin’s dialogue and Nolan’s brilliant overall concept), great film.  For those that said it was too confusing I say to you – enjoy Twilight, the A Team, Yogi Bear, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker films, etc.  Hell, you might as well go see a Kevin James movie while you are at it.  But a movie about people who steal your dreams could only get second best of 2010.  The best film is about people who are stealing your money.

1. Inside Job

The last time I had this powerful a reaction to a movie I was watching the first 25 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.  For all the terrifying blood and fear of the battlefield that Steven Spielberg showed in SPR, that same feeling was brought out by the greed depicted and moral outrage I felt watching Inside Job.   When I saw Deep Impact I remember feeling terrified at how helpless we would be if a giant asteroid were headed towards Earth.  Well, the corporate greed in America and the government that is owned by them have steered America on what feels like an inevitable path of self-destruction.  Wealth disparity + government ownership = more wealth disparity +…

Both parties have been and are guilty, but the GOP is the principal actor and continues to manipulate the masses into believing that the American Dream is possible for everyone and that America is #1 in everything and anyone who contradicts that is un-American or unworthy of your vote or support.  And then behind closed doors they ensure that what they just promised all Americans is in fact, not possible.  This documentary is just a fact-by-fact explanation how unbridled capitalism has brought us to this place.  It certainly is not a feel good film, but I think it should be required viewing in ever 9th grade class in America.  When my girlfriend saw it on my recommendation she said that someone leaving the theater dismissed the film as “well, that was one-sided.”  Well sometimes the truth is one-sided.    We are too eager to find compromise on issues in this country because compromise always seems best, but not when one side is completely wrong.  That just means you are edging away from the truth.  I always thought it was some leftist, hippie cry that “corporations own the government.” Well it is not some liberal, hippie cry or some apathetic surrender – it is the truth and Inside Job is your guidebook.

Another year is coming to a close, which means I have once again seen a lot of movies.  This year, unlike last year, I made an attempt to avoid awful movies (for example I did not see or rent Grown Ups because Adam Sandler and Kevin James are the closest thing to crack-cocaine in terms of brain cell destruction, nor did I see Saw VI because I believe it is wrong for a film franchise to have three consecutive films that claim to be “the final one”).

Sidenote- seriously does Kevin James ever wake up and think, “Man if I sucked di*k for drug money on live television I would be less of a disgrace to my family. I have made three of the worst films ever recorded – Chuck and Larry, Paul Blart and Grown Ups.  And I know it.  And I have tons of money, but I don’t care.  I want to make dumb Americans even dumber and profit off of them mercilessly.”  And can we stop treating Adam Sandler like he is some beloved entertainer?  I know he reminds you of that moderately cute and cool kid in your Hebrew School class, but the dude is done.  Mr Deeds, Chuck and Larry, Grown Ups, Little Nicky, Big Daddy, etc.  The guy has done everything he can to kill good taste.  Enough – please collect your cash and go away.   

So naturally, despite moderate efforts I was unable to avoid bad movies for several reasons.  Travelling to comedy clubs around the country and having spare time, Oprah Winfrey and wanting to see if Samantha Jones finally gets AIDS were all contributing factors to the several terrible films I saw this year.  Before I get to the Bottom 10 I want to share a special note of two movies that were not worthy of the “worst,” but based on critical praise and box office success, are the two most overrated films of the year:

Box Office Overrated Film of the Year

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Over $300 million is what this film pulled in.  Weird is the best way to describe it.  Boring is a very accurate way to describe it.  Johnny Depp – you were cool and talented the first eight times you played a weird character, but now it feels redundant.  For a change, try playing a male with genitals who does not talk like a pretentious college student who has returned from a study abroad semester and now pronounces Barcelona as Barthelona.

Overrated Movie of the Year – Critics

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT

For me, the reason to give gay people all the rights they deserve is selfish: I am tired of Hollywood patting itself on the back for showing gays as regular people and then acting like they re-invented the wheel.  But that was ok for me with Brokeback Mountain, which I thought was pretty damn good, but what really gets me is when a mediocre movie that is lathering itself in every indi-film cliche is praised as a great film.  Enter The Kids Are All Right.  Granted there were other movies that will be nominated for best picture like The King’s Speech (will be this year’s “we have to nominate at least one movie with British people and one movie related to the Holocaust, so why not nominate this one which has both?) and Black Swan (dark artsy-fartsy, but interesting in parts), which were interesting, but incredibly overrated, but the Kids Are All Right really stands out.  It just is not that good.  The movie is a B- at best, but critics have treated it like The Godfather fu*ked Amadeus while Goodfellas watched.  If you have not seen this or have and thought it pretentious enjoy this brief cinematic interlude:

But none of those movies were worthy of being on:

J-L CAUVIN’S TEN WORST FILMS OF 2010

10. The Deuce – (tie)

Sex and The City 2 and Iron Man 2

Two sequels – two bowel movements.  Iron Man 2 is shameless in what is becoming a Hollywood trend – we have a hit, we want at least three films and everyone will pay for the second so we can make it a huge bag of sh*t and make half of the movie about setting up and establishing things for the third film.  It is literally the middle child before there is a third child.  The movie was just mediocre, but because of how shameless it was and how much worse than the first it was – it earned a spot on the list.

Sex and the City 2: It was good to see these old bags who have influenced a generation of emotionally and spiritually lost women go out like Brett Favre – with a cinematic equivalent of an interception.  Here is the summary of the Carrie Bradshaw saga: she finally gets her man (women will give a good guy one chance, good penis a few chances and a super wealthy guy almost infinite chances – see “Mr. Big”).  And what does she do when she gets her better looking Trump?  She complains about the monotony of married life, makes out with an ex boyfriend in a foreign country and complains to her hubby when they eat dinner in for…wait for it… two consecutive nights!  The lesson for all the women who wanted to be Carrie, thought Carrie was fabulous, came to NYC to have a “Sex ad the City experience:”  Carrie was a bitch.

9. Black People Besides Tyler Perry Can Make Bad Movies (tie) –

Lottery Ticket & Copout

When I saw Lottery Ticket I was hoping for something in the vein of Barber Shop and when I saw Copout I was hoping that Tina Fey was writing Tracy Morgan’s material.  I was wrong on both.  Lottery Ticket, starring fully grown Bow Wow produced the unthinkable – it offered a movie where Mike Epps, an incredibly unfunny human being, was the funniest thing in the movie.

Copout, combined with his deplorable HBO comedy special, proved that Tracy Morgan is completely unfunny when Tina Fey is not writing his words.  I was harsh on Fey when she was the head writer of SNL, but this chick has apparently worked miracles to make Tracy Morgan appear funny every week on 30 Rock.

8. The Worst Thing Clooney Has Ever Done –

The American

Even George Clooney can go to far.  Here is how I think this boring movie was made: George Clooney spends time in Italy fu*king models so he said, what if you filmed me driving and looking thoughtful while I was on vacation in Italy?  And maybe throwin a few conversations, some guns that we barely use but just show me putting them together?  And what if this was all so boring and self-indulgent that when I do a sex scene with a woman who is off the charts hot, it still cannot save the movie?  What, Hollywood – you love me so much, like a quarterback who is also in an A Capella group, that you are afraid to tell me no?  Let’s do it!

The review for this film can be summed up by the young black woman who was siting in front of me while watching it.  With about 15 minutes left in the movie she just, “Damn, this movie SUCKS.”  Sometimes talking at movies is OK and this was one of those times.

7. They lost me when Adrien Brody fu*ked a lab creature –

Splice

I thought this was going to be a tense sci-fi thriller.  Instead about one hour in to a relatively mediocre movie Adrien Brody fu*ks a creature he created in a laboratory.  From then on it became one of the worst films of the year and the most awkward moment I saw in a movie since Willem Dafoe ejaculated blood in Antichrist (last years #3 worst movie on my blog).

6. I think it is time to admit that The Rundown was accidentally entertaining –

Faster

The Rock was the most entertaining WWF/WWE star of all time.   Then his first starring movie not associated with a Brendan Fraser franchise was the very enjoyable The Rundown.  Seemed like he was destined to do great things – maybe not Oscar great, but legitimately solid entertainment.  Faster is the death of that optimism for me.  When I saw previews for Faster I thought – “Man, that looks like Taken, but on steroids!”  What it was was Taken on creatine with a lobotomy.  How they managed to make a movie about a dude travelling the country murdering people for revenge somewhat boring is beyond my intellectual capacity.

5. Even low expectations could not save these bad westerns (tie) –

Jonah Hex and The Warrior’s Way

Jonah Hex I saw while on the road.  I would have been better off lying in the middle of a road.  I think it was written in about 14 hours because it felt like it had potential if someone had just written a story.

The Warrior’s Way I saw with a buddy because I had already seen everything that he had not promised to see with his girlfriend.  The Warrior’s Way is honestly one of the 20 worst films I have ever seen, but since I had no interest in it and my expectations were zero I did not think it deserved a higher spot on the list.

4. I really hated this fu*king movie and its awful 3-D –

Clash of the Titans

I am sort of shocked that this was not the worst film of the year but it is close.  Between Avatar, Clash of the Titans and Terminator Salvation it is obvious that Sam Worthington is unable to act with actual people.  And after Clash of the Titans, maybe he shouldn’t be allowed to.  A giant bag of crap (shame on you Ralph Fiennes and Liam Neeson) and the poster child for the other cinema scam – 3-D.  I actually was able to watch half of the movie clearly without 3-D glasses and the 3-D was terrible (James Cameron rightly criticized the filmmakers for scamming people for extra ticket money, but not providing legitimate upgrade in quality).  I hate 3-D and I hate how it is becoming an automatic surcharge on every other movie now.  No one likes watching movie with special glasses.  It is annoying and when it is accompanied by a giant piece of crap like Clash of the Titans it really sucks.  And yes, a sequel is being made.

3. Like Mexican sex shows – only the horse was entertaining –

Secretariat

If the horse in Secretariat only had two film credits – sex with Mexican prostitutes and Secretariat, he should leave Secretariat off of his resume.  Schmaltzy to the point that the entire dialogue could have consisted of Jon Favreau screaming “who’s the wild man now?!” from Rudy and it would not have been as corny and embarrassing.  The only thing that was good in the movie were the 15 minutes of horse racing.  Everything else was awful.  I wanted Seabiscuit (but about the greatest horse of all time), but instead got a terrible ABC Family made-for-TV movie.

2. Even when he tries, Tyler Perry sucks –

For Colored Girls

This year Tyler Perry finally got to show off his diversity as a filmmaker.  For so long he was known as the creator of shi*ty comedies.  Now we all know he can make a shi*ty drama.  This movie actually has several good performances, but it is a TERRIBLE movie.  One dude kills his own kids, one guy gives his wife HIV, one guy rapes his date, one (unseen character) abused his daughters.  The one good guy is a cop, but his wife cannot have kids because… wait for it… a man gave her an STD when she was younger.  I think the movie is for colored girls by default because it is definitely not for colored men.  It is also a lazy movie, because rather than adapt the original text to w workable film script he just has the character inexplicably delivering long, poetic monologues which do not work in a movie.  Tyler – just stick to your day job of making shi*ty “comedies.”

1. When steroid abuse doesn’t kill who it’s supposed to (and your 2010 champion) –

The Expendables

A tremendously awful film.  Just like when white women feel like they need some fulfillment they open a cupcake store with family money and pretend to be serious entrepreneurs; when old white men feel unfulfilled they make movies like this.  An absolute embarrassment for even half-decent action movies, men and decent taste this is your champion for 2010.

I could not say it any better than I did in August on my blog – so enjoy:

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=1798

Tomorrow – Top 10 movies of 2010.

The Christmas season is a time when awards and end of the year honors are talked about.  Whether it is the Golden Globes, Time’s Person of The Year or the Oscars this is the time of year when people suggest and nominate people for excellence or notoriety in the past year.  Of course there is a set of nominations named at this time of year that are nominally more relevant to me than the Golden Globes, but for which I have as good a chance of winning as I do an Oscar – the ECNY Awards.

ECNY awards stand for “Excellence in Comedy, New York.”  Now, I am unabashedly competitive.  I have always been competitive – academically, athletically, even when walking down the street and I feel like someone is trying to pass me and walk faster.  It is why I have repeatedly entered comedy contests to the point of possibly being insane;I hope and want to win (and win money).  If I was less competitive I would probably be a happier person with my comedy career and wouldn’t go ballistic whenever read a Facebook update about someone booking clubs or shows that I have not/cannot.

That’s me.  Asshole?  Perhaps.  But I admit who I am.  One problem I have with comedy awards is that this business is so littered with “real people” who pretend to abhor awards and competitions.  They are the folks who will strut around saying “awards have no place in comedy” and “competitions are stupid” and “how do you judge comedy with awards?” but then cannot wait to seek validation through giving and receiving these awards.  Comedy is like the acting world, but with less transparency of people’s ambitions.  The whole scene reminds me of the goth kids on South Park, who considered themselves too cool for mainstream and think that they are incredibly unique and uncompromising individuals, not realizing that they themselves had participated in forming their own group-think and cliche.

There is a parade of nominations that occur and I think a couple of people have nominated me for a few things, and I nominated my Brett Favre video (hey can 5,000 YouTube viewers be wrong?  absolutely).  But like TSA at airports, I believe the nomination process is cosmetic.   Any comedian on Facebook in the NYC area should be able to predict who will be nominated for these awards.  So with that said I will be re-naming some of the awards to reflect my predicted nominees.  Of course, this is (mostly) not aimed at the nominees, but simply at the process, for which the dye is already cast, and at the people who would act above awards and pretend to be artists but because of industry carrots dangling before them, are unabashedly competitive.  Your categories are:

Best Male Comedian – “Who has the most television appearances this year – Comedy Central Presents a Plus, Comix appearances also a plus.”

Best Female Comedian – see above

Best Host – “Who runs the shows most heavily promoted by Time Out NY”

Best Podcast – “All comics listen to Marc Maron, right?  So how about him and 4 others.  Did he already win? Fu*k.”

Best Sketch Video – “Have the people nominated last year done any new videos this year, because it would take too long to watch lots of videos from people we do not know.”

“Best Improv Group” – “Improv is painful most of the time, but to look all-encompassing as a comedy awards show here ya go”

Best Website – “What websites, regardless of design and innovation, are the best at promoting already established acts or acts with sufficient industry heat behind them, while never critiquing or offering substantive industry commentary or criticism beyond consensus beliefs for fear of risking their own access to events?”

Outstanding achievement in tweeting – “which hyper liberal with possible Comedy Central connections do we like?”

Emerging Comic – “If you are on Facebook enough and get enough invites to Time Out NY-favorite and Comix shows you will know at least 3 or 4 of the nominees (New York’s Funniest finalists from the contest preceding the NY Comedy Festival a definite plus.

Now of course, most of the people nominated will be talented and funny and I do not mean to disparage them.  And I have no problem with awards shows.   But the charade of a nomination process (sort of the on-line version of “open call” casting lines) coupled with the “awards are beneath comedy” hypocrisy make this sort of an offensive exercise.   Do you really think dozens of podcasts are being reviewed for quality, humor and insight?  Or that hundreds or maybe thousands of YouTube videos are being watched?   It is not that seeing 5 talented comedians get nominated is a crime – no one will be upset with the eventual nominees.  But the injustice is in promoting a charade as some egalitarian and official process, while I believe that if even one good comedian (let alone dozens) is not given equal recognition and consideration for his or her nominated work then the whole process is corrupt.  But there is some industry presence at these awards, which combined with an outpouring of delusional submissions for nominees gives an air of legitimacy that is far bigger than it should be.  I would have no problem with a committee picking all the nominees without an open process.  But like Presidential and Congressional elections, the powers that be need the proletariat to engage in the process to give it legitimacy, while simultaneously undermining their own interests by participating.

But a sincere good luck to most of the eventual/already decided nominees – you all work hard at what you do and comedy is a great thing, even if the comedy business sucks.  But if we can be honest about this: there is a new award category this year for the ECNYs – where people can nominate their own category.  How about: “biggest charade.”

But here is the most telling thing I learned about comedy over the last couple of years.  I wrote a blog not so long ago that basically denounced the comedy industry (not comedy itself) as just a microcosm of American capitalism run amok.  I bashed bringer shows and open call lines in particular, but generally the culture of a profession that could take people’s dreams and personal work and manipulate those for one-sided financial gain.  The blog was forwarded around extensively and I had many people comment on it and tell me in person that they thought it was great.  The thing you need to know about comedy is this – over half the comments posted to the blog and supporting what I had wrote were left under pseudonyms or anonymous.  Good thing there’s no award for courage in comedy.

Last night I saw a preview performance of Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark – the $65 million dollar musical that from all reports seems destined to join Cutthroat Island, Rupert Murdoch’s purchase of MySpace and the money I have asked my friends to invest in bringer shows over the last 8 years as one of the biggest financial flops of all time.  There are many reasons why it may flop:

1. Bad publicity – the delays, the high cost, the early accidents are all spelling doom.
2. The nerds – the so-called purists (a/k/a comic book reading freaks who would be virgins, but for the hormones of ugly girls) who will not see this because Spider Man does not belong on Broadway (really – an awkward teen with a muscular physique who likes wearing tights does not belong on Broadway?).
3. Judgmental theatergoers who do not believe Spider Man is worthy of Broadway (really – an awkward teen with a muscular physique who likes wearing tights does not belong on Broadway?)

Well, there is a big reason why it can succeed – the first half of the play is fantastic (or fabulous/fierce in Broadway speak).  Here is my breakdown of last night’s Broadway event.

So I arrived with my girlfriend for the preview performance (regular engagement tickets will be $140 which J-L the unhappy lawyer could afford, but J-L the unhappy comedian cannot) we were greeted to a speech before the show.   It was explained to us beforehand by one of the show’s producers that because of the scope of the play, previews could not be done in Europe to prep the play because there are no stages that can handle the show besides the Foxwoods Theater in NYC.  That is why there have been errors and delays that normally would not occur in New York.  This reminded me of my flight to Chicago a couple of weeks ago where the JetBlue pilot actually gave us the “this flight is going to suck badly” speech before one of the bumpiest flights of my life.  But I survived that flight and I assumed that unless Spider Man or the Green Goblin fell on me from 40 feet above me I would survive the show as well.

The first act was terrific – amazing, injury/mistake free stunts, terrific sets (seriously the best I have ever seen) and mostly good songs  (written by Bono and The Edge of U2).  So despite being crammed into a seat next to an unusually aggressive old man who wanted to fight me for an arm rest, me and the lady were really enjoying the show. If the musical had stopped then (which given the plot of the show, it actually could have) I would guarantee good reviews and huge success.  Then the second half occurred.

The second half is pretty boring, full of so-so solos, about a tenth of the stunts and excitement of the first act, and a plot that had it been a season finale of a television show or an M. Night Shayamalan film, Twitter would be going crazy with comments like “cop-out!”,  “Bullsh*it!”, etc.  Now the problem for the show is that they are obviously going to want to attract families in big numbers, but if me and my girlfriend were bored and physically uncomfortable in the second act, how is some 8 year old obese turd with ADD going to sit patiently while some Spider Lady moans on about some ancient curse?

So overall I would grade the play a B+.  An A for the first act and a C- for the second act (but the first act weighted more because it is longer and the set work is outstanding throughout).  But for anyone who is worried about whether Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark is true to the spirit and culture of Broadway, rest assured – this photo was taken backstage:

After a tough start to the comedy week things have been looking up.  First, my dust-up with PMSports.com has been resolved in a favorable fashion (I will be paid and have been told that it was an accidental oversight).  Second, I got to  feature at the Turning Stone Casino in Verona, NY on Wednesday.

Last year I emceed a show at Turning Stone in December.  The show was in a theater that held several hundred people, and with an audience of twenty-three it was near capacity.  It was like having sex with Madonna – you are in the space, but if feels cavernous and lonely.

Well after a 4 1/2 hour drive up to the Casino, through 3 brief snowstorms, I arrived to find us performing in a much smaller venue. The crowd was about 40, but the capacity appeared to only be about 150 so it was a much more fulfilling experience than last year.  Considering that we were competing directly with Kenny Rogers at the same casino I think we did pretty well.  After the show a couple was kind enough to pick up the tab for me at the casino bakery because they thought I was hilarious.  Or they were swingers.  Either way it was a rewarding evening.

Special thanks to Mr. Hunt, father of my friend and college teammate Matt Hunt, who made it out to the show.  As a resident of nearby Clinton, NY Mr. Hunt’s attendance proved the virtue of having spent a quarter of a million dollars on a B.A. and a law degree – friends and friendlies all over the country to make lightly attended shows slightly less lightly-attended.