Blog

The NBA season got started last night and Lebron James and the Miami Heat easily dispatched with the fully recovered Chicago Bulls.  With three Finals appearances and back-to-back titles for Lebron in the last three seasons, only those with Tea Party-to-Obama level hate/obsession with Lebron can still find fault with the man as a player.  He has delivered in every single way that critics demanded and now he is to that next level of “Can he be the greatest of all time” phase of his career, now that he is clearly “one of the all time greats.” (Please click HERE for last year’s tour de force post before Game 7 of the Finals or this gem from right before Lebron’s 2012 Game 6 against the Celtics, i.e. I have always been right). But before the Lebron Tea Party gets fired up and starts spouting Michael Jordan stats at me, that is not the point of this blog.  The point is that in our Internet troll, never apologize, just-move-on-to-the-next-potential-carcass-for-www-vultures culture, it is time to start picking apart NBA stars who are the next “he sucks because he has not won a title” guys.  Never mind that in history, if Lebron ends up as a top 5 or better player of all time we will eventually regard players who lost to him as all time greats anyway (no one really rips Malone, Barkley, Stockton, Payton, or Ewing anymore for not defeating Michael Jordan – in hindsight it merely elevates Jordan’s legacy for vanquishing so many worthy opponents).  And never mind that all of these guys on the list are under 30 years old.  Because we are in the age and spirit of Twitter, the Internet is sure to be full of blogs questioning the heart, commitment, skills and toughness of lots of guys in the next year or so.  So here are the guys I think are up for the New Lebron (for trolls) Award:

(Quick Side note – I think Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is sort of right to be annoyed that he is always left out of GOAT discussions – 6 MVPs, 5 titles, all-time leading NBA scorer and a high school and college phenom who fulfilled all of his promise – just a thought – even though his sky hook was sort of like a video game cheat move that respectable gamers would ban each other from using).

The formula I use is a non-scientific combination of talent + exposure + opportunity + fun to watch (because trolls especially love trashing people who are fun to watch so they appear more grounded and knowledgeable):

8. Carmelo Anthony – I think he barely makes the list because very few people outside of NY believe that Anthony really has the game or mentality to actually lead a team to a title.  I think after the Knicks get bounced in the first round of the playoffs this year people will sort of justifiably stop even worrying about whether Melo is a champion.  But for this year, being in NY will be enough for there to be lots of “Melo is not a winner” chatter.  I actually agree with this one.

7. Blake Griffin – one of the most fun players to watch makes him a prime target for armchair experts to question his commitment (HE’S ALSO IN LOTS OF FUN COMMERCIALS!) and whether he is working on his game enough. Because Chris Paul gets the “amazing leader/culture changer” label that Kevin Garnett got to have going to Boston, the main heat will continue to fall on the fun, but flawed star.

6. Steph Curry – Since he was so explosive last year (and as fun to watch as a guard as Griffin is as a big man, probably even more fun) that gives trolls an immediate chance to be the first to declare Steph Curry “overrated” or “lacking in championship DNA.”

5. Paul George – the darling surprise of last year’s playoffs is a very complete player. Young, rangy, plays well on both sides of the floor are all good qualities, but a year after America even discovered this guy if he loses to Lebron again, instead of giving greatness credit to Lebron they will start asking of a 24 year old, “Will he EVER win a title????”

4. James Harden-Dwight Howard – Dwight (or Da-Wight if you are any number of excitable black journalists on television) Howard is such a (somewhat deservedly) reviled doofus in the NBA that I think they will tire of bashing him and allow some of their hate to drip on to James Harden. Like George, Harden shocked dummies last year with how well he played as a number one target (which then forced people to switch from praising Harden to troll the Oklahoma City Thunder for being “so stupid” to let him go) that now trolls are hoping they can start calling him overrated and say that he and Howard are not winners, if they do not win in their first year together in a very deep western conference.

3. Deron Williams – not as good as a few of the players listed below, but trolls love burying guys forever and if Deron cannot make a serious title run with Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Jason Terry, Joe Johnson and Brook Lopez then he will have done the least with the most among top tier teams.  And Brook Lopez and Joe Johnson are not serious enough to hate and Pierce and Garnett are now 45 year old champions so it all falls on Deron.  He may not be considered as good as some players on this list, but haters and trolls smell a carcass near the end if he fails to win and that makes them salivate.

2. Derrick Rose – Injuries and hate of the Heat have given Derrick Rose a pass (hate of Lebron forced people to ignore that Lebron shut Rose down late in the 2011 series when they played), but now that he is healthy, has a team people think can challenge the Heat and he stayed out all last season (the haters and trolls started to take a whiff of Rose when he sat out the whole playoffs, as if preparing for a full attack on him if he fails to dethrone Lebron in 2013-14).  The nation loves Rose as an anti-Lebron, but he may become their new Lebron if he fails to make noise this year.

1. Kevin Durant – I saw it happen last year on social media and it pissed me off.  Durant went from “I might take him ahead of Lebron if I had to start a franchise today” guy to “He cannot lead a team and is not complete enough (even though he went to the playoffs without his two best players that he had going to the Finals the year before).”  Ignoring that he was a 3 time scoring champ by age 24, that he led a team to the NBA finals at 23 and that his game continues to methodically improve, haters did not have Lebron to hate anymore so they moved on to the next best thing. Which is the best compliment one can give to Kevin Durant.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

This weekend I did a fun reunion show with buddies/comedians past and present that I ran a show with for a couple of years in Hoboken, NJ.  The show was fun, the crowd was good and my wallet was one $20 bill heavier after the show.  We ran the show from 2006-2008 at Hoboken’s The Goldhawk and in the middle of what was a successful run (successful in comedy terms meaning fun shows, fun crowds, no loot) we were featured on the cover of a Hoboken free paper.  Here is what we looked like then:

Now the joy you see on Josh’s face and arms is symbolic of the fact that he would be the first to bail on comedy.  It should also be noted that my shirt is tucked in. Something I have not done in 4 years to hide my frame’s transformation from NBA starting small forward, to retired NFL long snapper with a taste for cookies.

Well this is us from Saturday night at our reunion show.

A fun night doing a show with some good people for some nice people.  Why haven’t any of us made it yet you ask?  Well, between the four of us our average age is 37 and our average facial hair is 11 year old Puerto Rican kid with a mustache (Jim’s barely there mustache and goatee = 11 year old mature Latino when divided by four).  So at least we had fun and that is what it is all about according to all the younger comics with success tell me on Facebook.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

Every year there is some new way for people to help identify with people who are suffering and/or raise awareness (ugggh) for some plight.  Over the last couple of years I remember reading about people intentionally living on a dollar a day budget for food, New Jersey Senator-Elect Cory Booker eating on a food stamp budget and Kim Kardashian marrying a guy for three months who was only making $10 million a year before she got out of the financial dumpster and started dating Kanye West.  In other words people in the western world are always finding ways to identify with those less fortunate than themselves.  Well, this week a friend of mine inadvertently had a very profound experience identifying with the frustrations of a talented, but largely unrecognized comedian… me.

On Monday I launched my video of the month. It was a parody of the Bill de Blasio ad for NYC Mayor that completely shifted the Democratic primary race.  It is not a national ad, but it was omnipresent in NYC and brought de Blasio from 4th in the Democratic field to the overwhelming winner of the Democratic primary.  So I made a parody of it. If you missed it here it is (it is only 50 seconds):

I never expected the video to go viral, though with a few weeks until the NYC Mayoral election I do expect views to sort of trickle in. I also figured it would give me a head start on an impression of a soon-to-be national figure.  And the video is a really well shot parody if I do say so myself (kudos to video maker Dana).  But years of producing content has calloused my soul, despite my constant protestations on this site, to disappointing results when it comes to comedy.  However, my good friend, who for years has been a political junkie, as well as sometimes political volunteer, was convinced that the video would be a hit.  And he even went beyond his usually passive support for my comedic endeavors to look up over 50 Twitter handles for political operatives and reporters within the New York City area for me to send the video to.  At the end of the first day, the video was around 300 views and the text I received from my friend said it all:

“I can’t believe it hasn’t blown up.  Now I sort of understand your frustrations.”

I will put this statement into the same bin of exaggerated and misplaced sympathy as “I know losing someone is tough, my dog died last year,” but it was still nice to have a friend experience a little bit of the personal disappointment first hand.  Of course if my friend took his feelings of one day and then multiplied it by about 1600 then he would have a full appreciation of being a creator of solid, but largely unrecognized content for the last 5 years.  But there is the point.  People who read this blog and listen to my podcast generally think I am a miserable pessimist (you come for the negativity, but stay for the truth-telling and gallows’ humor).  But the fact remains to persevere in comedy, especially in its modern format, one requires a core that is either wildly optimistic or sadomasochistic and delusional.  People like to say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  So I am either at my core an optimist or insane.

I guess I would advise people to do like my friend and imagine yourself in the shoes of a hustling comedian.  You will either appreciate the work and see the optimism it takes to carry on or.. you can go insane with us.  Either way it makes comedians look better.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

The most significant, game-changing moment of the 2013 Mayoral Race in New York City was the “Dante” ad, which featured Democratic nominee Bill de Blasio’s son Dante, explaining why his father would be a great mayor, al underneath Dante’s now famous afro.  If you are not from NYC then you may not be familiar with the ad. If so – here it is:

Well, after the huge bump the ad gave de Blaiso (he went from 4th place in polls to a chokehold on 1st and the nomination after the ad) it appears it was time to repay the favor.  It turns out Bill is not the only de Blasio with a taste for politics.  Dante is running for student council at Brooklyn Tech and he has employed his father to give him an endorsement.  Enjoy the new commercial here:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

If you do not listen to my podcast then the beginning of this blog will seem new, but if you do listen, then endure this paragraph before getting to the good stuff.  This year, feeling a sense of creative and economic depression (I have raised my debt ceiling for the last five years and I hate myself – I am like Obama and Ted Cruz in the same body – dear closeted gay Tea Partiers this is NOT a sexual image for you to flog yourself to), I embarked on a plan to raise my profile and when my name recognition was at its highest (at least relative to my own career) release my best album and hope for the best.  So the plan started off with a bang with “Louis CK Tells The Classics” the viral video of my Louis CK impression.  I then made subsequent videos (Alt Wolf, Scared Straight) that got spread all around and promoted within the comedy world.  I then had an album recording that went well, but not as well as I wanted (plus three critical bits were forgotten) so I recorded another set a month and half later and killed it to the point that instead of integrating the missing bits into the original recording I ended up integrating two bits from the original recording into the later show for the album.  I then got a PR person to book me on some podcasts, get the album reviewed (to some glowing reviews), was on Sirius XM as their Intergalactic Premiere album of the week, was 24-7’s guest comedian of the weekend said a couple of prayers.  I even got a retweet for my album from Amy Schumer (her half a million followers indicates a slightly larger reach than my 1200).  In other words, in a world without a manager or an agent or fame I sort of did all that could be done to produce and promote a good album and my name.

Also giving me hope was the fact that my previous album was downloaded 1000 times (granted it was a free download) and received 70+ ratings/reviews on iTunes. So the only barrier to reaching that level (if not beyond) was the price tag on iTunes of $9.99 (or $8.99 on Amazon).  I figured that might create a dip from 1000, but at the same time I thought it might not be as big a dip because I am more well known in October 2013 than I was in February 2012 when Too Big To Fail was released.

Well the results are in (at least on iTunes) and downloads dipped a whopping 90% for Keep My Enemies Closer compared to Too Big To Fail.

Huh?

I have been wondering how this happened.  Obviously people like free stuff, but at least for me I would not download a free album from someone whose comedy I did not care about and by the same token I would absolutely purchase the album of a comedian whose work I like.   So the question is how does someone go from 1000 downloads and then produce a better album, with an upgrade in publicity and name recognition and then dip 90%?

The album did its best work on day one when it peaked at #12 on iTunes, but because it is not attached to any label or manager it failed to get into the new and noteworthy category.  So now it just hangs out on iTunes telling my other albums that it peaked at 12 as they go “bulllsh*t – you are just another J-L anonymous album – you are not better than us so shut the fu*k up.”

Now I know this blog can sometimes read like a comedy career suicide note, but this is really an open question (feel free to leave comments in the blog’s comment section) – is there something in the comedy world (the deluge of free content, the ever increasing importance of managers and power brokers in comedy to raise the profile of comics to the larger public, etc.) to explain this?  This is not me wondering why KMEC is not above Eminem and Pearl Jam on the iTunes chart, but rather how a better product (even if you think I suck at comedy (i.e. idiots), this album sucks least of anything I have produced) with better name recognition and better promotion can fare so much worse all for adding an $8.99/$9.99 price tag?  This year has sort of been an experiment by me – if I offer quality products (blogs, videos, podcast appearances, podcasts, etc.) for free and then ask for people to pay for one comedy thing (the album), then all the free stuff and the effort would pay off with one nice pay day.  But it did not really pan out.

So what I am asking or saying is that like the American Dream is sort of a myth that very rich and fortunate people tell the masses (the increasing poor and the decreasing middle class) so that they continue to grind away in the myth machinery, is the do-it-yourself concept the same for entertainment?  Then you become a vilified as lazy or unworthy if you are not making ends meet.  The story America tells you is that hard work is the respected value, but in reality success, regardless of how attained, is the value of the day.  Plenty of wealthy people work hard for sure, but we now value results or “winning,” rather than how you play the game (but how many people would really work as hard if they knew the game was rigged?)  Similarly, I feel like the comedy industry loves telling people that it is a great time to be a comedian and that you can make your own success.  Then they point to the 1-2 examples in existence of people without connections who made it big on their own (and just like tax schemes and campaign finance law that help ensure that the rich shall continue to increase their share of power and influence – places like YouTube have changed over the last year or so to reduce the power of the random video at the expense of promoting preferred content providers) and therefore it is possible and all fault for lack of success lies with the comedian/content provider.

But using my own career over the last decade (but especially over the last 20 months) this is sort of debunked, isn’t it?  All things equal I have had 50,000 unique visitors to my website in 2013, had my podcast listener average increase from 200 to about 400+ people per week, gained over 310,000 YouTube views to name a few metrics, which were huge increases from 2012 and yet by charging $9.99 for an album instead of free, led to a massive drop off in downloads.  I know this sounds like complaining, but it is really more confusion than anything else.  I long ago gave up on getting rich from comedy, but this year has taught me that producing high quality content, building your circle of fans/viewers/listeners means little in increasing your bottom line, if you are truly a do-it-yourself artist.  I am a sample size of one so take it for what it is worth, but the very fact that all things were equal because it was me.  The only variables were I was a lot more well known in 2013 (a good thing), had a lot more PR (a good thing) but I charged $9.99 instead of free (death).  The question is then how can you make money off of your art if without fame or industry backing people will consume your free content, but not pay for even a small amount of it?

So if you have not, please check out Keep My Enemies Closer on iTunes or Amazon and join with me in being confused why it has been less successful than Too Big To Fail.   Have a nice week.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

Kenan Thompson, long running member of the Saturday Night Live cast recently gave the desperate, hungry beast known as Manufactured Internet Outrage (MIO, not to be confused with the drink additive that Tracy Morgan pitches) a morsel to feast on.  Saturday Night Live is particularly white and has always seemed to have a lack of women of color.  In a TV Guide article, Thompson said, regarding the casting issues (please hide the children and be careful reading the following sentence): “Like in auditions, they just never find ones (women of color) that are ready.”

Oh. My. God.

Obviously there could be many reasons for Saturday Night Live‘s  lack of diversity, especially in the women of color category. Perhaps they represent a small sample size of people available to audition (coming from the Stand Up, Sketch and Improv ranks it would not be surprising), perhaps Lorne Michaels is hugely racist or perhaps the small sample of women of color who may audition did not do as well.  There are many reasons both benign and pernicious that could justify the whiteness of the SNL cast over the years, but the response to Kenan Thompson’s quote is simply a desperate and angry overreaching of people craving a villain for the day. What exactly did Thompson say – that IN AUDITIONS, there never seem to be women of color ready for the spotlight?  So he is speaking of the auditions he seems to have observed.  He did not say black women are no good at sketch comedy or comedy.  He was very specific and not very harsh or definitive in his condemnation of sketch performing women of color.  But did that stop the Internet from finding outrage? Of course not.

“Kenan Thompson blames black women for lack of black women on SNL” – Jezebel

“Kenan Thompson Blames SNL‘s Diversity Issue on Lack of Talented Black Comediennes””- TV Guide

“Kenan Thompson Blames “SNL’s” Lack Of Black Female Cast Members On Black Women” – The Urban Daily

“Stephen from Django Unchained Calls Black Female Sketch Performers Worthless Trashy Hoes” – Huffington Post

OK that last one is fake, but this is just the latest example of web traffic driving the presentation of content, instead of the actual content itself. What Kenan Thompson said was not controversial or mean or sexist or racist.  It was a half-hearted explanation based on his personal observations.  This just represents this year’s “Girls” controversy or Eddie Brill situation where a group feeling slighted generally parses and latches on to something someone said to create a straw man upon which to place their anger.  Why not direct the anger at Lorne Michaels?  Because his show has been on for four decades and he is not going anywhere or doing anything he doesn’t want to at this point.  So let’s get mad at today’s straw man monster Kenan Thompson. ZUT ALORS!  And just remember the flood of women (under five I think) that have appeared to do stand-up on Letterman since Eddie Brill stopped booking it? I would look for a similar deluge on next year’s SNL.  Because sometimes there are bad people doing bad things, but other times there aren’t but someone still has to get blamed anyway.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

Friday was the rare double dip for me – I was booked on a gig at Gotham Comedy Club at 7pm and then headlining the 1030 show at Jokers Wild in New Haven. The Gotham show went quite well… for the other comedians, but I closed it to such mixed response I was hoping a Daily Beast correspondent might be tweeting about it so I could vent some aggression after.  The crowd was not large and I got great response from the comedians and half the crowd, but I am still haunted by the face of the older woman rolling her eyes and shaking her head at me during numerous bits.  It was actually a very good lineup of people I have never seen do comedy, which means Vegas has the odds of all of them advancing past me in the business within 6 months.

After the Gotham show, Danny took me and another comedian over 6’5″ named JP (seriously – height and initials – GET YOUR OWN GIMMICK!) into his two door car and we hauled ass to New Haven for the 1030 show. With about 70 pounds and a whole lot of anger advantage over JP I was granted shotgun.  The ride to New Haven turned out to be quite fortuitous because it turns out JP does an impression of Anthony Jeselnik that is so perfect that I have cast him (instead of me) in my November/December sketch “Comedy Academy” (I will still be portraying 4-5 comedians, but I know enough not to let JP’s impression go to waste – expect a Kickstarter/shameless campaign for this one).

We arrived in New Haven and it turned out to be mostly my favorite demographic for a comedy audience – white chicks under 26 who are friends with one of the comedians on the lineup.  I did not go up until around 12:15 am, when about 20% of the crowd had walked or passed out, but I was very proud of the set I had.   It was a combo of using good material and taking time out of each bit every few minutes to verbally spar/flirt with a group of drunk women who would not allow the show to be about anyone but them for more than the length of a Beach Boys song.  It was one of those shows where I said to myself: “I am glad for all the good gigs and especially the bad gigs that allowed me after ten years to have a combination skill set to make this a fun show, even though I had to work harder than usual.  And why have I spend over ten years honing this skill set for half a day’s pay from a law firm?  What if I just run in front of traffic right now?”  Naturally I sold no CDs after the show, but I did get about 9 appreciative handshakes, which were heartwarming.  Danny, JP and I then headed to a 24-hour Wendy’s for a victory meal (and it was also a rest stop with showers available – I wanted to check them out just to see if I would see a Republican member of the House having a gay rendezvous and break the story for a nice finder’s fee, but alas I did not – just a bunch of truckers making tender love to each other).

But for all the comedy excitement that Friday contained, it was just the undercard for the weekend.  The main event was the wedding of John Moses, a great comedian and The Great Over 30 Hope (in boxing they are always looking for a great white hope, but in comedy circles, good comedians over thirty who have not gotten their shot are looking for a Great Over 30 Hope).  Here are the notable highlights:

• As the bridesmaids entered to a string duo playing the theme from Game of Thrones, Moses began to tear up with a smile. As I tweeted (#MosesWedding) on Saturday, it was the wedding and comedy equivalent of Rocky opening a cut on Drago in Rocky IV (“The Red Headed Tough Guy is Crying!”). He also shed tears during the vows at which point I stood up during the ceremony and yelled “If he can change, then we can all change. Everyone can change (yes I have mixed the Rocky-Drago metaphor)!!!”
• Picking out John’s most intimidating groomsman – easy call.  Given John’s great performance on my podcast, detailing many of the brawls he has been involved in, there was one groomsman who was clearly the Ty Domi (a famous hockey enforcer who played for John’s Toronto Maple Leafs I believe) of the group – a guy who looked about 6″0″, 230lbs of ass kicker.  The kind of receding hairline that looked like his hair was just slowly sneaking away to avoid his wrath.  Basically the guy looked like an angry Stanley Tucci on a protein and creatine diet.
• I got a laugh during the best man’s speech.  The best man was giving a great, heartfelt speech about how John did not understand “why kids were beating him up because he just wanted to be their friends” as a kid.  I let out a huge laugh (once again listen to the podcast for context), which then got a nice echo of laughter from John and some of the crowd.  I then ran up to the best man, grabbed the mic and dramatically dropped it to signify that I was done.
• Hearing John sing a not half bad “It’s not unusual” during karaoke, which led me to believe that his management is really trying to destroy any semblance of tough guy John to try and get him a sitcom as a triple threat in the Broadway sense, instead of the criminal justice sense.
• Sitting at a table with John’s manager.  I resisted to stand on the table and scream “I’m the fu*king Louis CK impersonator!”  Instead I just introduced myself and within 20 minutes he left the wedding.  But comedian Owen Bowness, sitting next to me, did the right thing and told the wait staff that “he didn’t know if they were still there” so that extra pieces of cake would be left at their plates and subsequently buried in my stomach.
• Getting a ride home from the aforementioned Owen Bowness, saving me two hours on NJ Transit.

All in all a fun weekend in and around comedy.  Time to get back to submitting resumes for day jobs.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

A few years ago my then-girlfriend called many comedy clubs on my behalf (never representing herself as an agent or manager, but simply “calling on behalf of J-L Cauvin” to create an impression that someone besides me cared about my comedy career) soliciting work on my behalf.  She got several good responses, several non-responses and one from a manager at a major club that was meant to be rude and sarcastic.  His advice was that “[J-L] should dump his girlfriend, get in a car, travel the road for 2 years going to every club and one-nighter, change his name to something Jewish and start sucking dick.”  Now I took every piece of advice this manager offered, except changing my name because my Catholic faith is too important to me, but I thought today, based on a couple of irritating e-mails I received yesterday that maybe I could offer readers and comedians a couple of pieces of unconventional comedy advice.

Advice #1 – If you are a new comedian or a “soon-to-be” comedian, don’t send this to an actual comedian:

Some aspiring comedian (a guy who says he plans to be a comedian) wrote this exchange with me after sending me a friend request

STBC – I’m a soon to be comedian

J-L – Ahh

STBC  – Me as a comedian I have the whole package (reminder he is a guy who is planning to do comedy)

J-L – Congrats. Why are you telling me?

STBC – some have the talent to it but not business material not knowing and preparing well you can be talented you don’t know the business very well as a superstar

This was the entire exchange.  I understand people like this exist, but my advice is if you are a swaggering tool who has never picked up a mic, don’t email comedians you do not know telling them how great you are.

Advice #2 – Do not join a group of comedians if you are the only one with chops and/or ethics.

Yesterday I spent the whole day e-mailing clubs and schools for gigs.  I received an e-mail back from a school that I performed at twice as part of a group and the e-mail said “Oh no – we had no idea you were not still in the group when we re-booked the group.”  Never, I repeat, never join a group with unfunny people, no matter how industrious or friendly they appear to be, because if they do not have the chops to do comedy then they are just playing a money grab game.  And they will grab your money when they get the chance.  I’d name them and detail all their transgressions, but that wouldn’t do anything unless you want to track down some unfunny content from insignificant, amoral people. And who needs that?

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

In the wake of losing Breaking Bad I, like a lonely person after a break-up, have reverted to bad habits.  I wanted to give up on Sons of Anarchy for a variety of reasons. The first was once a biker gang was involved in international arms smuggling and getting in Civil War style battlefield escapades (but with rocket launchers), without a hint of law enforcement intervention I sort of had my eyes permanently rolled back in my head.  Then there was the burning of people alive.  And this season, in addition to the usual throat slitting and head bashing (this show is on basic cable – they cannot say fuck so they overcompensate with the word shit and insane violence – see this sketch as an example) there was a school shooting massacre by a 12 year old, which felt so out of place that it really just felt like the show’s creators said “I don’t think we are offending/shocking/repulsing enough people – PLOT AND SENSE BE DAMNED!”

On the other end of the living spectrum, but even further along on the violence spectrum is The Walking Dead.  The Walking Dead is like Breaking Bad’s dumber, sluttier, less attractive sister that I have decided to hook up with in an attempt to hurt Breaking Bad’s feelings.  Thanks to Netflix I have been able to “binge watch” The Walking Dead.  It is a show that I must admit, considering I bashed it for an entire podcast episode, that benefits greatly from the cinematic feel of binge watching.  I always maintained that the first season of Walking Dead was a strong season and that season two, for several reasons articulated on the podcast, was weak.  I actually enjoyed it a lot more on a second viewing (in two days), though my main complaints are still valid (lack of black people in Atlanta, Shane’s varying accent and enhanced physique despite wandering the earth in a gym-less apocalypse, etc).  But watching the show in the aggregate like that led me to see about 1000 head smashes, ligament tearings and eye gouges in a short amount of time.  The show really is incredibly violent and it is not restricted to “dead” people. As season 3 progressed (I am 4 episodes in) it seemed more slashes and rips and blood poured forth from living people.

The fact is with language restrictions and sexual restrictions still on basic cable shows it seems like the only envelope they push is violence and it is now pushed to the max.  I hate to sound like an old fogey (for the last time stop texting and walking!), but the violence on basic cable in these two shows is ridiculous.  I am just assuming that child rape is really the only place left to go.  And I am betting that Sons of Anarchy will be the one to do it.  It would make no sense on The Walking Dead, since most of the villains are zombies, though in season 2 a now-deceased character alluded to a roving gang that raped two teenage girls while their father watched.  But I think Sons of Anarchy is the show with the “courage” to actually showcase this as a climactic scene.  That show literally has nothing left to do except that when it comes to a checklist of awful things to show on basic cable, other than make Ariel Castro an honorary executive producer.  Either way I think we can all agree that the parents who bring their children in for that fateful/eventual audition should be arrested on the spot, or at least be featured in Bruno 2.

On a lighter note, it has inspired one of my new sketches for this month. Considering how crushing a skull to the point of hearing a brain get squished (that sound that sounds like moist fruit being stepped on) is the most in-demand sound in cable television (Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Sons of Anarchy to name a few that now show that merely beating a guy to death just doesn’t get America hard without hearing the brain squish), my next sketch character will be the Spielberg of Skull Crushing Sound Effects.  Look for it in a couple of weeks, along with my Dante de Blaiso/Bill de Blasio parody.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

One of the harsh realities of the comedy business is that it is tough to make a living.  As one comedy club booker on the road told me “it’s a buyer’s market” for comedy talent so unless you are a) a local or grandfathered-in favorite, b) have management extorting spots for you, by using their more prominent clients as leverage with clubs or c) are independently and/or unlimitedly wealthy or have a measure of fame, the road is no longer a really viable existence for a working comedian (look no further than the unregulated comedy club management business to see what a marketplace does to workers without any regulation or fair standards – workers get paid the same or less than 20 years ago).  As a NYC resident there are many clubs around and I can get a guest spot at almost all of them (guest spot generally means unpaid).  Guest spots are sort of like being a dumb slut of comedy – you have value and are respected for things you can do at night, but not enough for clubs to acknowledge your connection publicly.  So just being funny and working hard are not enough to make a living and focus full time on comedy without belonging to one of the aforementioned categories.  Of course producing things like podcasts and high quality videos, necessary ways of expanding your comedy portfolio to gain more notice, also take money.  Sometimes people say you need to spend money to make money.  My comedy saying is you need to have money to make money.  So that means it is time to dust off the real resume and update it.

The first problem when you have been doing comedy full time for 4 1/2 years (and over ten years overall – it is a nighttime business so the only things I was missing out on for the first 6 years was road work) is that you have a gap in your resume of real employment.  Now with my last full time source of income being a sizeable law firm in New York City the gap may look to subsequent employers like I was caught up in some sort of corporate fraud, or given my size, perhaps a violent incident.

“So, what have you been doing since 2009.”

“Getting my soul raped.”

“Oh, prison?”

“”No. comedy.”

Now I understand my situation may not be unique in the comedy world, though it may not be commonplace either.  So I have been working to figure out how to help comedians adjust their resume to make their full time comedy experiences appear more enticing to regular employers. So here are my ways of bolstering your resume comedians:

1) Run a weekly podcast for only a few listeners = “have successfully sound engineered audio programming for over a dozen clients”

2) E-mail bookers without responses = “routinely corresponded with and advised corporate leaders on ways they could improve their businesses”

3) Travelling on Greyhound and Southwest to gigs because the gigs pay little money = “spearheaded green energy initiatives to reduce greenhouse emissions in public transit”

4) Producing YouTube videos = “Coordinated with Google to produce on-line content”

5) Embarrassing or offensive tweets = “engaged in social media outreach on controversial and hot button media topics”

6) Guest spots at clubs = “engaged in volunteer work and community service with local businesses”

7) Sleeping with club waitresses = “organized and scheduled events for food service industries”

8 ) Selling hacky t-shirts after shows = “successfully created and sold artistic designs to market”

9) Running a bar show/Barking = “coordinated social events for numerous small businesses and engaged in community outreach for those events”

10) Out of money from comedy = “currently seeking new and challenging opportunities to utilize my skills A/K/A great around the water cooler”

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday!