Blog

PART I

I am excited in a wholesome way that the Little Mermaid (deluxe 2 disc edition) will be arriving next week in my mailbox. I have been criticized, as recently as last night by comedian Pete Dominick for this purchase. Let me explain why the Little Mermaid is essential:

The Little Mermaid is the DR J. of Disney films. It ushered in the modern era (and brought us “Kiss the Girl” and Under the Sea”). Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast were the Magic and Larry and the Lion King was Michael Jordan. Now the NBA without Dr J is not the NBA. Likewise a Disney DVD collection without The Little Mermaid is not a Disney DVD collection. You may ask – why do you have a Disney DVD collection? Well, because they are good.

(Side note – the Pixar films are like the Steroid Era in baseball. Technically advanced in an unfair way, but a superior product. Cars will be in my mailbox in early November).

But TLM is also the Britney Spears of Disney movies. She made it ok for young girls in animated movies to be hot. After her it was ok to be country hot (Beauty and the Beast), Persian/Arab hot (Aladdin’s Jasmine) and beastiality hot (Simba’s chick) and gay (Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella as Timon and Pumba).

My point is that The Little Mermaid is a ground breaker and should be honored, not ridiculed. besides, it is only available for a limited time before it is locked in the Disney Vault.

MAJOR CAHNGE IN FOCUS: PART II

So what’s the deal with National Intelligence Estimates and Bob Woodward’s newest book?

I have friends who believe going into Iraq was the right thing to do. I personally believe we should have blasted the f–k out of New Zealand. I also have friends who think that the moderate Muslim world is largely against us and does not speak out against the violence (not according to the NIE which states the opposite, but I am sure my friends have good sources too, like Brit Hume (why the long face d-bag) and Bill O’Reilly, who always seek to give the whole story of George Bush’s divinity, not just half. And I have friends who think the world and America is safer because we are in Iraq. Not according to the NIE, but then again my friends point to the fact that we haven’t been attacked since 9/11. Unlike our President, terrorists believe in planning their attacks out, so I guess we are not out of the water yet. I also have friends who say you cannot reason with the majority of the people in the Middle East. That usually comes from people who are supporting the actions of an evangelical Christian president who will not let facts get in the way of his war planning (or lack thereof).

Then came Bob Woodward’s newest book. Apparently Bush and his staff did ignore specific requests to target Bin Laden early in his administration (score Bill Clinton). I’m sorry buck-toothed Condi I can’t hear you: “I believe the memo said, Bin laden determined to strike inside the United States.”

Also according to the book, apparently when American soldiers die, Bush wants to make sure that we killed more, because like a basketball game, wars are simply won by who scores more casualties. Counting Iraqi Civilians, we are kicking ass and taking absolutely no names.

According to Woodward the administration knows that violence is going to rise in 2007, but insist publicly that it is getting better.

I also like the argument that Muslim religious fundamentalists cannot be reasoned with or bargained with that my friend’s make. I admit that that is probably true. But that may also explain why some moderate Palestinians would be hesitant to discuss peace with the new tenants of their old homeland, who were given the keys to the house by Europeans based on a fundamentalist reading of a religious text. Sort of like Jennifer Connolly in House of Sand and Fog. With suicide bombing.

This is not to say that there aren’t crazies in the Middle East. President Superkallifrajolistic (I don’t think I spelled it right) in Iran is nuts. But the more lies we tell and the more we fu-k up the region the more loonies like him will look credible. Since we seem to be going back in time and enlightenment, perhaps we could re-colonize Africa on our way back from Mission Accomplished.

I wonder if any white women have disappeared recently so that Fox news can lead with something valuable and newsworthy because Lord knows, this whole NIE thing and Woodward thing are pretty insignificant.

Well, you know what a white girl is disappearing… off the store shelves! Get the Little Mermaid DVD on Tuesday October 3rd! Although if George Bush sees it he may wage war on the Atlantic Ocean to get Ursula the Sea Witch. The best part of that is that she lives in the Pacific.

Was this what the Civil Rights Movement Was About?

Tuesday was a great day. Two things happened in particular.

One – I had just been booked last minute to do a show at Medgar Evers’ College in Brooklyn – 15 minutes for $50. NICE!

Two – I am a representative for my office at a Police Precinct in the Bronx. At that meeting I learned that an abandonned baby had been found and that the officer who found the baby and brought it to the hospital had just recently adopted the baby. It was one of those moments where someone like me, who has seen their faith diminish every year since law school and the Bush administration began, paused and said, “There really is still good in the world.” Then my show at Medgar Evers’ College occurred tonight and all those good thoughts went far, far away.

Medgar Evers’ was a Civil Rights figure killed by James Woods, married to Whoopie Goldberg and avenged by Alec Baldwin (in Ghosts of Mississippi). I don’t know much about him, but Iearned an important thing about him. Apparently he fought and gave his life so that a 2/3 empty auditorium of students could boo, hiss, heckle and flaunt their stupidity on September 27, 2006 at a college named after him.

The crowd began heckling for the second comic of the night and they did not stop until I got off the stage (comedian Elon James White did command the aduience quite well after me). I made many mistakes during my set. Here are some:

1) I tried material. This crowd did not want to hear material. They wanted to hear themselves.

2) I did not check my IQ at the door. It is hard to get into witty exchanges with a heckling crowd when many of them are too dumb to get the retorts. In their minds you always suck because they shout at you, you make fun of them, they don’t get it and think you suck more. Furthermore – the crowd would “ooooo” and “aahhhhh” at jokes that were not offensive – ones that would rank a .5 on an offensive scale of 10. A heckler also shouted at me “You could play basketball,” when I got on stage. A keen eye like that will make sure that the appropriate level of salt is on my McDonald’s french fries one day.

3) I kept trying to get through material. When that did not work I then got the hook, almost literally. If the host had a hook he would have latched it to my neck and yanked me off.

This show was the worst show I have ever had in 3 years and 4 months of comedy. I am most mad that I am letting a bunch of dumb hecklers who probably forged their GED results to get the best of me. I left the show immediately because I felt bad things would happen if I stayed. Now it is Brooklyn so bad things would have probably ended with me and bullet holes, or I may have hurt someone.

And comedy is not about hurting other people. It is about hurting yourself through experiences like this show.

What’s worse for me is that when I told the crowd that I was half-Hatian, they seemed to turn on me. I guess they did not believe me and thought I was trying to claim the Haitian popularity that’s all the rage these days. They saw an Italian-looking dude on stage adn didn’t want to adjust their collective mindset. If Medgar Evers’ and the Civil Rights Movement stood for anything it was that people should be judged by their appearance alone and not on the basis of the character, experiences and background.

Now I do not want to just be a “club comic.” I want to be able to work colleges and other venues, but I don’t want to have to check my brain at the door and become a comic that I am not.

So I will get a good night’s sleep, lift weights tomorrow with a Drago/Clubber Lang-like anger and try ot work on my routine for Gotham on Tuesday.

But one thank you to a woman in the crowd when one heckler said “You ain’t funny,” she replied, “Yes he is!” Thank you, but I hate your classmates.

Some scary NYC public school stories

I am not sure where to start on this one, so I will go chronologically.

My uncle (public high school teacher in Bronx) told me a hilarious story from last week. And by hilarious I mean makes me want to punch a wall really hard.

He is in the middle of a lecture (approx 15 minutes into class) when a young man walks in late, looks at the attendance sheet, sees himself marked absent and asks: “Why you mark me absent nigga?” There are several problems with this:

1) He didn’t raise his hand.

2) The student is Latino and my uncle is white. Neither of these people should be using the N-word as a colloquialism.

3) You were 15 minutes late you dumb degenerate, that’s why.

4) “Why you mark me absent” is not correct grammar.

So my uncle, through experience, knows better than to “challenge” a student in front of the class, brings him outside and tells him that language is not acceptable and that he can’t interrupt a class like that. The response… poetry:

“Fu-k you – suck my di-k.” And then he walked away.

Now I am sure that at my current job I will run into this young man eventually or one of his soon-to-be-conceived gifts from Heaven, but I must say I am glad I am not his teacher. If I were, I would probably still be at my location of current employment, but probably with my hands behind my back in cuffs.

But I am sure his failings as a human being are the failings of the system and the teachers. Or maybe he didn’t get his latte at Starbucks that morning and he felt groggy. The happy ending to the story is that after my uncle filed a report with the school administration as to the student’s conduct, they walked the student back in and told my uncle that he cannot have his students walking the halls. For shame Uncle! Perhaps when this young man assaults one of his teachers they can blame the teacher’s face for hurting the student’s hand.

But in case you are worried about the present state of high school, the NY Daily News has an uplifting story today about the future minds of my home county and city.

61% of 4th graders in NYC passed the standardized reading and writing exam, prompting the Bush administration to change their education program to “Only 2/5 children left behind.” And they plummet as the children get older when in 8th grade the passing rate is just under 40% for that level. Remarkably, these are improvements since 2002.

Now I understand that in NYC 8th grade is an important time and 8th graders are probably busy just learning how to get high and breast feed, but enough is enough.

The worst stat was that at the Morrisania 4th grade (the neighborhood just north of where I work) 4.8% passed. That is not a misprint. That means for every 40 4th graders at that school, 2 pass. That means their 4th grade valedictorian could, in theory, have a D+ average. My 21 month old nephew appears to be at the same reading level as a lot of these kids. But rest assured I am not just a complainer. I have solutions:

1) Criminalize giving Game Boys and video games to children who cannot read. The bottle has been replaced by the sippy cup. But it has also been replaced by the Game Boy. I have seen more than a few little Einsteins playing Game Boys on buses and trains, even though Mommy needs to turn it on for them and explain the instructions. Rule of thumb – if you cannot read the booklet or the names of the characters in the game – you are too young. Even video game manufacturers, who are basically intellectual drug dealers, put an 8 year old minimum age on systems. In light of these new stats, perhaps it should be 15.

2) God needs to find something besides conception of human life to make the easiest thing for a human to do. Conception should rank with Calculus and Latin in difficulty. Not impossible, but you really need to focus and be committed to do it. Hell, make it as difficult as learning to read and we’d be better off. Right now conception seems to require the same effort as saying, “nice ass, can I holla at you?”

The problem is one of mathematics. Schools and ACS case workers will continue to have exceedingly heavy numbers and these issues will multiply at an exponential rate, while those willing or able to help will increase at a linear rate.

Perhaps it is like Chris Rock said, “We don’t need prayer in school; we need the Tossed Salad man in Schools.” Heck, if you are going to meet TS man at some point, better that it be to learn to read than to choose jelly or syrup.

random stuff

Well, after an August and September that saw a torrent pace of blogs I took some time off to reflect. Here is a summary of what I have been doing over the past several days:

1) After receiving my promotional DVDs in the mail I mailed them out – approximately 110 of them, with headshots, cover letters, and resumes. It is amazing how I was not similarly motivated to do that during law school (and they just need the letter and resumes). I will keep you posted on how the comedy industry feels about my jokes. My guess is that they will love them.

2) I saw an 8 year old Latino kid drop the N-word (in slang), making him the youngest ignorant fool I have ever seen. Once again, let me reiterate that the n-word is a terrible word, but if anyone should be using it before it hopefully becomes extinct, it should be black people. And Paul Mooney. Latinos were given their own racial slur and should embrace it, not steal the black racial slur. I will be doing a routine based on this that will either win me critical acclaim or beatings from black people who do not believe I am half black.

3) I watched Season 2 of Lost. Pretty good. Adebesie from Oz is on the island in Season 2, but shockingly no one got raped.

That is all I have done with my time. Now I will start busying myself for a flurry of October shows.

And AJ’s Mom is not too pleased

Several months ago many comics were asked to sumbit jokes for a book called “The Idiot’s Guide to Jokes.” I decided to just submit two and after purchasing the book at a book signing I saw that both jokes made the cut. 2/2 = 100%, best percentage in book, with minimum of 2 submissions.

One joke pertains to Rocky. The other pertains to the abbreviation AJ.

It was a thrill, but I realized I might be in trouble with AJ’s Mom when a fellow comic saw the joke, looked at me and said simply, “Now it’s forever.”

(too understand this you must listen to Track 17 of my CD)

What Aj’s Mom does not understand is this: If I become famous, AJ is a possible financial benficiary of this success and can buy all the therapy he needs to feel ok. If I do not become famous, the joke will never gain enough success to garner AJ’s attention. It’s a win-win.

Fellow comic Josh Filipowski will be snding me pictures soon of my own book signing I held. Check for them soon.

Have a nice weekend.

On my way home from work (yes, despite my strong 55th place showing at the Boston Comedy Festival I still have my day job) I saw something interesting. Passing through a neighborhood known as Kingsbridge Heights I was walking to the bus that would take me home. I saw the usual thing: young men hanging on street corners, woman ranging from the pornographic to the diabetic, and then I saw her: A woman in her late 30s in a wheel chair.

As I waited for the bus I noticed that the woman was not bad looking. Not great looking, but nice enough that most people will have a more sympathetic reaction, as if to say: “Awwww, she was nice looking – it’s a shame what happened to her,” while implying, “If she had been ugly she may not have found a mate anyway, so the wheel chair is more of an inconvenience than an actual life-changing event.”

But more striking than her looks, which were not very striking was the fact that she was a drug dealer.

As I stood in my suit and government issued haircut I noticed a woman approach her and hand her a ten dollar bill, to which drugs on wheels said: “Why you doing this sh-t out in the open?” and handed her a small baggie for the money.

So from now on I think it’s important for people to know that just because someone is handicapped does not mean that they too can’t be a piece of sh-t. She is helping her community mirror her legs, atrophied and decaying. Doesn’t she know that is the government’s job to maintain a permanent underclass? That’s why we pay our taxes, so please leave it to the elected professionals. But then before I got too serious I thought to myself, what kind of jokes can I make at this drug dealer’s expense?

1) What does the sign on her bathroom look like – is it one of those wheelchairs, but instead of a stick figure it is Scarface sitting slouched in the chair?

2) Has she lost her amateur status or can she compete in the Special Olympics’ “Deal and flee from the police” event?

3) I wonder if she can still have kids. There are a lot of people who shouldn’t be having kids having kids. I guess the next step is that those who can’t have kid have kids. It would be like a miracle if she did have a kid though. My guess is that his name would be Jesus.

Just thought I would share that story with you. Have a nice primary day.

The Dream is Over, as is the Greyhound Nightmare

So, I went on stage approximately 9 hours ago. I am very happy with the set I had. Good laughs, felt good. But I did not advance.

One guy who advanced was very funny. Two guys who advanced did not strike me as that funny. Including one guy who blatantly ripped off a bit by Dana Carvey about guitar players. Absolutely shameful.

So for the second straight year I am beaten in part by good comedy and in part by questionable comedy. I think this will be retitrement, not from comedy festivals, but from comedy compeition. Too much of a crap shoot. But a few people cam e out of their way to tell me that they thought I was really funny. Always gratifying.

So I actually left happy because I felt that I had a good set, or maybe because losing was the better part of my night since I had to catch a 12:30 am greyhound so I could get to work on time today.

My right knee will probably require surgery because of the pain it endured for 4+ hours.

The highlight was a truck stop in Connecticut we stopped in. When you see 38 year old men with coke bottle glasses and beer guts playing video games at 2:15 a.m. on a Sunday, you realize that losing a comedy compeition is not a very big deal.

Good luck to Logan Jacobson, who advanced form Prelim 1 (a NYC open mic guy) and to Danny Rouhier, who gets to be funny tonight on 9-11.

September 9th

So yesterday was travel day. I decided to go up a day early so as to avoid any travel problems that might arrive if I left Sunday, just to be safe.

So I get on my 2:00 pm Amtrak and it is empty. Awesome. That means I will not have to share a seat with anyone, which usually forces me to bring my legs together which leads to my knees hitting the seat in front of me, which on a crowded train usually means some jackass in front of me HAS to recline the whole way.

Just before the train pulls out, a young Asian man sits in the seat across from me. I mention the fact that he is Asian because he reminded me of Lloyd on Entourage. But more gay. It may have been the fact that he weighed 98 lbs, has well gelled hair and had a soft appearance. Or the fact that he pronounced Stanford with eight “S”‘s.

So Lloyd squared is sitting right next to me as I am trying to write and then he gets on his phone and proceeds to have a loud hour long conversation. Horribly annoying, but not ass annoying as what would come next.

When we hit Old Saybrook, Connecticut we are informed that a barge hit a bridge up ahead and engineers need to come and inspect the structural integrity of the bridge before we can cross it. Good thing I left a day early. DAMN you Al Qaeda – attacking such prime targets like the Old Saybrook bridge.

So we were able to get off the train and walk around and I will tell you, Old Saybrook has a grat train platform.

90 minutes later we get moving and I see that Lloyd has made a special friend on the train. A 40-something man with ball bearing looking earrings in his ears, who apparently missed his flight to Thailand. The next 90 minutes of the trip was them discussing “tops” and “bottoms” and “penis.” Fascinating stuff really. I was waiting for them to go in the bathroom and join the 120 mph club. But then I realized something – gay dudes on trains have it made over straight dudes.

Every guy at some point, hopes a hot chick will be in their car and will strike up a conversation with them, in the off chance that that day is the day that their life becomes a porno.

“Hey, so you like trains?”

“Yes, do you want to make out?”

“YES!”

Pretty simple fantasy, but one thing gets in the way. Girls, with their, “I don’t know you,” or “Let go of me, this is my stop.” But not the case with gay dudes. They are two dudes, so they know what’s up. Only problem with that scenario for me, no girl.

So we arrived at Bosotn 90 minutes late. I checked in at the Doubletree and ate a delicious wam cookie and then walked to the local theater to catch a picture show to kill some time.

I went to see Little miss Sunshine. Greg Kinnear for me is one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood. It is a very good movie (it may be slightly better than Cars, which would give Greg Kinnear the top two spots on my summer movie list (Invincible and LMS). Really hilarious ending that is also sweet at the same time.

So tonight is the night. 1st round. 5 minutes. Tune in tomorrow to see how my set went, whether I advanced and how my midnight Greyhound back to the city fares.

September 8th

Chinatown is fascinating to me. Everytime I walk through Chinatown I feel one of three things:

1) I am off to buy a Gremlin

2) I am about to engage in some drug deal or watch some underground fight, like the Kumite in Bloodsport.

3) Funny

I arrived at the Teabag Variety Show in Chinatown at 8 pm. There was a good crowd and I got up and delivered the goods. The crowd , however, just reacted like I was delivering the alrights. I think the crowd looks at me like I am Godzilla (yes I know that was in Japan, but you know what I’m saying).

I thought I was done with shows until Boston, but I was off to meet Pete Dominick (www.petesbigmouth.com) a great comic and a greater person. After my show at Gotham on 8-22-06, Pete has been doing a lot to help get my name out at the clubs. To put in terms 80s film fans can understand, let’s say I am Teen Wolf. Gary Gulman is the blond acting chick that Teen Wolf falls for for understandable reasons, great talent, great hair. But Pete Dominick is like my comedy Boof (Bouf?). Enough said, except for the fact that this will make no sense if you have not seen Teen Wolf and I am not gay.

So I go to Stand Up NY to meet Pete to discuss some poeple he thinks I should send my tape to. But as it turns out because of Pete’s good word of mouth and a cancellation I got to go up on the prime time Friday night pro show at Stand Up NY show for 10 minutes. Awesome. I did a pretty good job, but I will admit that I was a little nervous. But 10 people came up to me and told me good job. The other 40 ignored all eye contact.

So thanks to Pete Dominick (check out his website and buy his CD) and Stand Up NY. Time to go for my morning run and then catch amtrak to Beantown.

LET’S GO YANKEES!

September 7th

So yesterday began the same way. Running (Monster Ballads were the tunes de jour on the Ipod). Ate breakfast and went to work. Uneventful day at work. Then I had the Gothem Open Mic.

I don’t always have great sets at Gotham’s open mic because sometimes I am working on new stuff or experimenting, but I had a kick ass set (for an open mic) last night. 3 weeks earlier I had a great open mic set and then had a great show 5 days later at Gotham. I am hoping the same holds true for September 10th at Comedy Connection.

The routine last night consisted of yesterday’s Haiti-terror joke, and zingers about my lady’s kid. Job well done.

Then I went to a going away party for a co-worker who is leaving the office. Those things are always weird for me when it is not the person’s last day of work. Like when you say good bye to someone and then find that you are walking in the same direction for 6 more blocks with that person. I had a few light beers, a burger (but with salad, not fries)and said to my co-worker, “See you tomorrow.”

I then went home and watched 2 more episodes of Lost Season 1, post Steelers win (Go STEELERS). On second viewing I am changing my review of Lost from a B+ to an A-. That said it is quite solid, but still behind 24 (but barely since I have felt the last 2 seasons of 24 are A- as well), The Sopranos (once an A+, but now an A-), Deadwood (A) and The Wire (A+). That said though I am now looking forward to watching Lost Season 2 (although I hear it is not as good).

Tonight is a cool show in Chinatown – see my calendar for info. And then I will make my way to Boston.