In his defense was Rihanna singing Umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh at the time?

Just as A-Rod was watching his Hall of Fame induction chances dwindle, another promising career vanished before our eyes.  Chris Brown, the 19 year old chewing gum pitchman, had just gone Ike Turner on Rihanna, the popular glamor girl accompanied by excessive production, known today as a singer.  Both men punched their respective women, but Chris Brown stopped his anger at biting Rihanna, whereas Ike went all the way to rape, as Lawrence Fishburne showed in What’s Love Got To Do With It. 

It is a reminder that teen domestic violence is not just a problem with trailer park trash kids and the South Bronx, but also with celebrities.  The lesson – celebrities are real people just like you and me!

The bad news for Chris is that this is very hard to recover from.  Athletes can get away with it.  Warren Moon, Mike Tyson, David Justice – all had fine post women beating careers.  But Chris is the first teen idol, that is still a teen, to attempt so bold a career move.  Plus side – instant headlines.  Negatives – until we see one of the Jonas Brothers beat up their boyfriend we won’t know how bad this can get.  Perhaps no one told Chris Brown that he was dating a poor man’s Halle Berry, not the actual Halle Berry, and that unlike the real thing, Rihanna does not enjoy fisticuffs.

Also, like may guilty celebrity douche bags, Chris Brown has hired Mark Geragos, whose specialty is getting famous clients convicted.  Not a good sign.

As a help to Chris Brown’s undoubtedly forthcoming rehabilitation effort here is a song I have penned for him:

(sung to the tune of Forever)

It’s you and me

Getting a domestic violence felony

Tonight we will fight

And I will be a bad boy celebrity

Feel my white teeth biting and my clenched fists hit

Around you, around you

Ima beat you here, Ima beat you there.

You best be scared cause I’m right here, ready

You can’t go anywhere, go anywhere

But first, it’s the cops, gotto run, shut your moth bit*h

It’s like I fuc-ed up my whole life with this one night

It’s gonna be me you and the state judge

Cause I beat you that one night

ruined my career, ruined my fun

cause you sang umbrella, umbrella, umbrella

 

I think if Chris Brown released this song we could all find it in our hearts to forgive him this one time.