And other stories from NBA All Star Weekend

I am convinced that professional sports need to get rid of All Star Games. Here is why:

1) Major League Baseball Tried to “Make it Count” by having the winner of the All Star game win home field advantage for their league in the World Series. The one problem with that is only a few players will care. The Kansas City Royal and Pittsburgh Pirate All Stars, who have never even heard of the playoffs, are not going to care who gets home field advantage. And then all it does is potentially screw over the better team in the World Series with something they may have only had little control over at best. It is sort of like having people in Ohio and Florida select who is going to elect the president for the enlightened part of the country.

2) No one watches your sport to begin with. See Major League Soccer and that other league with hockey.

3) It is hard to have an all star game when the goal of the sport is decapitation. The NFL “Pro Bowl” happens after the season so right away you know no one gives a sh-t. Also, it is hard to play football in a jovial manner making the game weird where either players look like they are trying too hard and are as-holes or they don’t try at all and they look like Condi Rice’s orthodontist.

4) The Games suck. This is where the NBA comes in. Basketball is my favorite sport and thanks to the Utah Jazz resurgence, I now have a rekindled interest in the pro game. However, the NBA all star game is atrocious. Any game where Shaq makes out with Tracy McGrady during a play is stupid. Besides, haven’t they learned their lesson from Magic Johnson playing grab ass with Isiah Thomas all those years back? And the fact that it took place in Las Vegas even heightened its worthlessness (although I’m sure there was plenty of off the court fun).

Sidenote: If you are a tall and athletic man and were in Las Vegas this weekend you probably hooked up with a woman who is your superior in looks (albeit there is a good chance that said looks were artificial). This is because she probably thought you were an NBA All Star or player (I have friends who can attest to the lack of the common woman’s knowledge of the NBA, but not their lack of awe of it – like those dollar signs flashing in the eyes of a Looney Tunes cartoon). If she had taken the time to do the math she might have realized that there are not thousands of NBA players, but she probably realized it when you got on to your Southwest flight the next morning.

Back to the All Star Game: The games almost always turn into blow outs because by the time both teams pretend to care, one team is up 30.

What’s more the skills competitions suck. The dunk contest used to be littered with stars. Now it is more like an obscure freak show. And the 3 point contest is the official competition for NBA losers. Steve Kerr, Craig Hodges, Tim Legler, Jason Kapono. Who the f–k are these guys?

So instead I spent the night of the all star game watching Little Miss Sunshine. It is about a family going to a meaningless competition in the middle of the desert with a bunch of girls who are dressed like sluts and are acting far older than they are.