My idea is Peter Braunstein.

I have been tinkering with going as Peter Braunstein for Halloween. He is the crazy woman-hater that went dressed up as a firefighter and imprisoned and groped a woman in her Chelsea apartment a couple of Halloweens ago.

The costume would consist of a firefighter uniform, which would make me more attractive to women (apparently it is possible, although I thought owning two sets of Lord of The Rings DVDs would seal the deal). For God’s sake, the woman let him in to the apartment. Sure he said there was a fire, but half of us know that she probably thought it was some Playgirl fantasy come true. “There’s no fire here sir because I’m already wet…” You get the idea.

Then I would have a chloroform rag and duct tape. Voila – costume complete. It would accomplish many things: originality, sexual appeal and tastelessness. I have been given a few suggestions by my girlfriend – Green Giant, because I love broccoli and am a giant, Paul Bunyon, because I own flannel shirts and am a giant, and a T-Rex, because I make weird screeching noises and am a giant.

This is exactly the kind of type casting I am afraid of years from now when Hollywood realizes I am a comic genius and try to always make me a giant. I don’t want to be a Latin/Arab-looking version of Michael Clarke Duncan.

My girlfriend has the advantage of being little and cute which avails her of many more costumes as long as they Halloween appropriate (revealing and more revealing). This year she will be a vampire with a taste for blood and Christian Louboutins.

I am taking suggestions for a costume. I could always just wear a suit and carry around The Audacity of Hope.