Let me put you on hold while I find out.

I believe I have found out what the new American way is. If you are paying money you will be communicated with politely and in perfect English. If you have a problem that you need resolved you will be directed to a foreign country or not have your call returned.

I am moving into my new, crane-free apartment in eight days and have been making some substantial purchases. A new computer, a new television, etc. When I purchased each of those items I was on calls that “were recorded for quality assurance” and spoke with patient people who were helpful and nice and taking several thousands of dollars from me. With those purchases I needed to make follow up calls to arrange for delivery and other such issues. The key fact here is that I had already paid my money. So now these follow up calls, which coincidentally are NOT recorded for quality assurance are directed to somewhere in Asia where women fake American accents poorly and claim their names are “Michelle” or “Sam.” The fun in these calls is that you do not know the delay is because your call is traveling 6,000 miles or if the language barrier is not being broken. In this global economy that is the new economics, money talks and it talks English, whereas concerns, complaints and issues talk softly with a delay and an accent.

But this ethic has invaded (or was always present) in the world of comedy as well. I recently broke a vow to myself to never do a bringer show again. Nearly eight months since my last bringer I have decided to do another one. I was called 6 times in two weeks by the producer of the show, promised great opportunities and a great show and I finally gave in because I have a show later that week that is of great importance so I needed the warm-up. I got a call back the same day giving me instructions of how many people I needed to bring ($$$). Well I did not know how long my set was and that is important in preparing and picking jokes. So I called back the next day and left a message wanting to know how long my set will be. And then I called back two days later and left another message. Apparently now that I had a concern my calls were not properly routed to Bangalore. See the last time I did a show at this club I was promised 10 minutes before the show, told I would get 8 at the show and then lit at 5 (meaning 6 minutes) during my set. So naturally I want to make sure I do not have another screwed up set, especially since this show will effectively be a dress rehearsal for a more important show.

That is why my new life strategy is just to carry around a wad of $20 bills and throw them at people like Sonny Corleone when I have a complaint (as opposed to breaking a camera). That way people will listen and will hopefully respond with their real name and useful information. And the theme song for my HBO series will be Money Talks by AC/DC