I am available as a scab writer.

The writers’ strike is finally starting to impact my television world. The Big Bang Theory and South Park are now running on repeats, leaving the nerd portion of my sense of humor unsatisfied. Fortunately Cane and Heroes are still running, but for how long – who knows.

Sidenote – for those of you who watch Heroes – I think Milo Ventimiglia, who plays Peter Petrelli, may be the worst actor in television history. He looks like a mediocre high school actor whose drama teacher told him that he had real talent and all the high school theater parents thought he was really talented, but somewhere freshman year of college realized that he sucked at acting and decided to pursue an accounting degree and lift weights to catch up for lost time acting effeminately. Milo never had that moment (to his credit, neither have the people at NBC).

So all that is left on my TiVo now is The War by Ken Burns and the October 3rd episode of The Late Late Show. Two things highlighting landmarks in American culture.

So with less and less entertaining television I have watched thought provoking television like:

Oprah – “Her favorite things episode” – conclusive proof that a woman cannot be president. It proves that the things women love most are Oprah and stuff. You’d think that the word “exfoliation” meant “we have a cure for cancer.” Obama ’08.

Keeping Up with The Kardashians – This E! Channel show about three whores (two attractive, one ogre-ish and all stupid) who were spawned by an OJ defense attorney and a plastic surgeon’s canvas, who is now married to Bruce Jenner, the former Olympian and current loser. This show tackles important issues like should a mother be happy or sad that her daughter is in a sex tape all over the internet.

The reason I had to watch this light entertainment is because last week I finished Band of Brothers on DVD. It makes one feel inspired and like a loser at the same time. They were the generation that freed Europe, re-started the economy at home and forced Sony to go back to square one. We are the generation that is committed to doing very little and not being bothered while we do it. That is why we need the draft to be reinstated. We could either go and fight and everyone would care (WWII), or we could all protest and everyone would care (Vietnam). Or, to ensure that most people care, we could draft reality television stars and film it.

“Oh my God, Kim Kardashian banged that jihadist, but then they still killed her!”

“Can you believe they put the entire cast of The Hills in one humvee? You’d think someone would have told Blackwater Security that they were Americans. Perhaps the fake baking threw off the guards.”

I have a lot more of these ideas so any TV studio looking for scab writing – call me.