Last night I performed on a show in Hoboken at a bar & grill named Busker’s.  I have performed many times in Hoboken before (Pat Breslin, Jim Dodge and I ran a show for about 2 years at The Goldhawk) and have found the crowds almost always good.  Quick reference for what makes a crowd good:

1) They shut the fu*k up.

2) The get basic news and cultural references.

3) The do not want to fight the comedian.

Basic and simple requirements for a good audience.  Well, back to Busker’s…

So I take the stage and I am the third comic on stage (including the emcee) so by now a normal crowd is warmed up, or at least understands that they are at a comedy show.  I open my set with my bit about big n tall stores, which offends almost no one, is a clean bit and has been consistently (every time for the past year) working.  Well – it got some tepid applause and a few stares like I was either speaking too quickly or speaking the wrong language.

So then I go into my bit about breast cancer awareness month and as it relates to the NFL and more specifically Ben Roethlisburger, quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Some key point I make during this 90 second bit:

1. Ben Roethlisberger is quarterback for the NFL Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Ben Roethlisberger raped women
3. Michael Vick served 2 years for killing dogs, but Roethlisberger, who has “rape chicks” as a bulletpoint on his resume served no time and was suspended a measly 4 games
4. The NFL could have spent the millions of dollars they spent on outfitting players with pink wristbands and cleats on something more productive, like breast cancer research or keeping thei quarterbacks from raping people with breasts.

When the bit was finished, once again to record low laughs – though there was some – a woman, or more specifically a stupid woman, says: “Who is Ben Roethlisberger?”  Here is the exchange that followed:

JLC: I just said he is a pro football quarterback who rapes chicks!  See you can’t listen for five seconds every five minutes because you will lose things along the way like information and jokes.

Dumb Woman: But if he raped women he should be in jail.

JLC: excellent point (crowd laughing) – you are right – see I was making that exact point, but I was using something called sarcasm, which is where I state the opposite of what I mean, but in a way that is so obvious that only the dumbest person could not pick up on the fact that I mean the opposite of what I am saying,

DW: Ohhh – just keep doing sports jokes – tee hee (not her actual laugh, but that is the laugh of a dumb chick who thinks she is smarter than you).

I left her alone at that point because she was too dumb to insult effectively.  Referring to Ben Roethlisberger’s rape allegations as a “sports story” is slightly less embarrassing than someone saying they never heard of OJ Simpson because they never saw The Naked Gun.  But like much of America, when someone doesn’t understand something or know something she decided to mock me and make it like it was my comedy that was defective.   I was tempted to go after her more because it is rare in life that you get a full throttle opportunity to destroy someone who represents part of the essence of what you hate in the world, but just one night earlier a club owner told me I have to make a conscious effort not to be a dick on stage.  So I took a deep breath and moved on to my next bit.  Not one line into the next bit some older, leathery skinned woman who’s claim to fame is probably sleeping with a security guard for Skid Row in 1988 let her opinion be known as to my next premise by saying, “That’s not funny.”  Here is THAT exchange:

JLC: But I have not gotten into the joke yet

Tanned Whore: It’s Not Funny

At this point I start to lose my train of thought so I jump into a verbally clean bit, but one that is highly offensive (even I will admit that), which got some laughs from some of the crowd and the other comedians.  But TW kept yapping.

JLC: God comedy is great, sometimes you tell jokes on stage and other times you want to wrap the mic cord around someone’s neck.

TW: Bring it on!

JLC: (inner thought) Hitting women is 100% wrong, despicable, evil and totally justified in rare cases – the rare case where the woman actually and literally asks for it.

Calm down – I did not assault the woman.  I would never do that – but I am in the process of hiring a female ex con as my bodyguard and instructing her that she can assault women that I feel threaten me.  Because then it is just two women fighting and that is OK, even if one of the women is over two hundred pounds and has facial hair.

JLC: You are ruining the show for your boyfriend.

TW: He’s not my boyfriend.  We’re just friends.

JLC: Lucky man -dodged a bullet.  But I guess we’ll all be able to catch you on your new Bravo series – The Real Cu*ts of New Jersey.

And then I walked off stage.  Probably not a good start to finding the kinder, gentler J-L.  But comedian Andy Kaufman gained fame by wrestling women so maybe there’s still an avenue open to me.